Hey Everyone,
Well, busy busy busy. I find relaxation in sitting in my
pajamas all day. Today was the first day all summer I've spent in my
pajamas. I got a lot done, i slept, ate loads of junk food, went
online, and wrote letters to Joe and Dan in South America. They're
probably there now. Dan left early Sunday morning and Joe left after
dinner time. I thought they left Saturday together, guess I was
wrong. Joe got upset when he found out that I called Dan and didn't
talk to him and told me that he would "await" my phone call before he
left. I called him and when I came home he had sent me an email
before he left with his and Dan's addresses in South America. This
means I can keep in touch with them so I don't go insane...he
probably won't even get them till he leaves anyways but it's nice he
gave them to me for my own piece of mind anyways.
Well, Mel's birthday was at the end of the month. That marks the middle of summer for me. We didn't have a fancy thing for her but surprised her at the new house. Dad and I went early to "paint" and instead we went to get a bunch of balloons and wrap her presents. It was cool since she didn't expect any of it. We even got her a small cake and took her to Chevy's. I"m glad we went to the Chevy's @ Stonestown Gallaria here in the city too. The waiter who showed us to our table was realllllllllly gorgeous. There were two hott waitiers that evening and we got one of them. He kinda looked like Chris from the Real World Chicago. I was walking out and we exchanged "Looks" haha. I'm not going to go into detail anymore.
Anyways, I have a little pearl of wisdom for all of you, do what makes you happy just as much as you want your parents and others to be happy. I was talking to Jayden the other day and we were both talking about our lives and the topic of my schooling came up. He told me that my true happiness is what's important and there are some things I need to do that are more important than making other people happy. It's true and I took it to heart. Ironically, I spent maybe 30- 45 minutes crying my eyes out to Amber. (Who is probably one of the only girls I'd do that to after an argument.) I realized I have spent the last 16 1/2 years of my life trying to make more people happy than I make myself happy. This column will probably be as candid as I'm going to get in any of these columns. Luckily I'm on a norm, a very happy person. But still I'm more of a people pleaser than a self pleaser. My little sister is like that too, we're both soft in that sense. I get on Melanie's case all the time to stand up for herself when she tells me some girl at school took advantage of a situation or used her or stepped on her and I get mad. But in some respects I'm just as passive. Talking to Amber and Jayden made me realize that in tough predicaments I get passive and fold. I'm not saying that any of you should go out and not give a damn about the rest of the world, but please yourself as much as you please others.
I laid awake till about 3 that night. Trying to find how to fix me and how to push myself to be stronger but not too strong. I walk a thin line between logical worrying and paranoia sometimes, I get it from my mom. I got up and wrote a letter to my mom explaining how I felt and taped it to the bathroom mirror at 12:30 in the morning. It was two pages back and front basically spilling my heart out. For me, it's easier to write my feelings than say my feelings. I have probably eight to ten diaries from before i could even right an "N" the right way. I drew my feelings. I have stick figures of what I guess is me with a sad face. When I was able to put simple words together I would write things like "I'm Mad" or "My feelings are hurt" or "So and so was mean to me today." It soon progressed into literary chapters of my life of all the good and bad I have experienced and my feelings. From being crushed that Nick Carter had a girlfriend to my first concert in seventh grade on a Sunday night. I also had the deep self exploration moments where I suffered from losing or not being able to grasp an identity growing up. There were times where my self confidence was strong and I felt like I could hold the world up, but there were times just as much where I felt so invisible that not even my best friend could see me.
My trials and tribulations are things I have always written down in my diary but i NEVER re-read them. I write them at the time to "someone" is listening and that "someone" never talks back at me. It then feels like I have more power in the situation. But I will ALWAYS re-read the golden moments in my life that I write in my diary. Maybe someday when i'm old and wrinkly I'll read both kinds of entries and laugh at what a young and dumb teenager I was.
All of us try, endlessly to establish an identity that we can be proud of, an identity that we can be loved for and have confidence in. We strive to do the right things in situations that we encounter, sometimes to succeed and other times to be shot down and realize what a stupid mistake we just made. Life's full of these moments that we can't control. Amber reminded me that God always has a plan, we can't change it, we can't alter it, and we can't bribe the man upstairs to fix it in our favor. Sometimes without us knowing it, we try and fix our personal plan, we then learn that things happen for a reason. Religion or not, all of us have this book that we're writing. We write a new chapter every time we learn something, every time we want, need, love, or even loathe something. Our passions in life come in material and non materiallistic forms that we sometimes want for no rhyme or reason at all. But some day when we've become a week, a month, a year or even a decade more of a person, we realize that the event that happened was an event that contributed to who we are.
Sure we all seem invisible at sometimes or another but there will ALWAYS be someone who sees us, whether it's you sister, your dad, your mom, your cousin, your best friend, or a boyfriend. Someone will always see you. Joe and Dan's 11 year old brother Matt came on the other night. I was probably in the crappiest mood since after the last season show of 3rd Watch. He talked to me though. Matt was telling me how he doesn't think his mom loves him. How she tells him the be quiet, or that he did something stupid. I came back at him to tell him that his mother loves him more than words could say and that she says it because she's teaching him. He didn't believe me. I told him that I was preaching this all to him because not only have I known his mom my entire life, but that ALL moms are like this.
I have this reoccuring dream that there's someone chasing me. I feel like it's a threat to me and I have no experience to defend myself. I feel like it's trying to take me away and everything that I ever knew. At one point in this dream I feel so tired I can barely run and move my limbs. You know that starbucks power drink commerical where it shows a person trying to run with mud up to their knees? That's how I feel I feel like I can't walk or run because i'm so out of breath and tired. I end up resorting in this house. It's full of people I know. They don't know what's going on except for that I'm out of breath. It comes into the house and I can feel my heart pulsating and it starts to head directly for someone I know and I feel a rush of anger and I start looking for something to defend the person with. The person doesn't even see it coming and it's going to hurt her. I think it's one of my friends so I grasp whatever I can find and run up behind it and bash the person over the head. When I do he disappears and the girl turned around and it's me. It's the wierdest dream I have. But part of me thinks, how could this mean anything? Did I eat something bad last afternoon? Well, I don't know. I think that it's me and that the dream represents how oblivious I am to a lot of happiness I'm oblivious to because I have never gotten rid of the opposite feelings that come up to me in the middle of no where.
I won't deny the fact that I"m happy. Most of you who know me know that I"m a mostly extremely happy person. Proclaimed dork by...more than one person. I get joy out of making people happy, making people smile, and being the happy-go-lucky-silver-lining person to situations that need livening up even it's at my own expense of doing something out of normal for me. I enjoy it because it pushes me out of my comfort zone and makes it bigger, I push the limit. But I do have moments where my shy passive ways come in play and I let things go...including a smile or a laugh. I let it slip like grains of sand through my fingers.
When I see people happy, it makes me happy. I like seeing people over and over again, even at school i see the same people day after day...but it's fun. Because sometimes I'll look how we went from lonesome...almost helpless freshman in the beginning. Now we're upperclassmen awaiting the arrival of the next yearbook. This doesn't go for just school buddies, it goes for a few people you may know. Maybe you've seen them before. There are two blonds, wait let me rephrase it better...there are two natural blonds, 2 guys who look alike but not enough to be twins (duh), and 1 GQ sexy guy who is so hot it makes you want to jump him. Yeah so getting on...NSync seems to be very happy in all of their notions and doings that I see....JUST KIDDING. Gosh...i'm going to hear about this for a while, I can feel it.
Ok so TOWNSEND (want me to say it again?) put on a great show on the 4th. That day made me particularly happy. I got to spend time with Bob and Wendy at the fair and got to see the guys perform. I came home with two tattoos....one of a butterfly on my shoulder and one of Amy of the street teams nifty Townsend tattoos (which by the way...almost hurts too much when I take a shower to run over it with my loofa sponge). Don't worry...both of them are removable...even though I do have doubts about getting the Ryan tattoo off my ankle. During the concert I spent time with Joy, Court, Sara, and Amy. I have to tell you that standing shoulder to shoulder with Amy behind me and Sara next to be is probably the most amusing and entertaining things in the world to me. This concert was probably the most entertaining, not for the guys...but me.
Would you like to know what they were wearing? Well jeans and tank tops but Todd was Todd and did the Tshirt. You know how they call it "Basic Black"? Todd's Basic Todd. I think it's cool how he defies authority...what a rebel. When they were on the news they went through 2 costume changes (1 set of which was provided by Bloomingdales.) I heard Rye had Versace jeans...he looked good in them...but don't forget...Rye could make a burlap sack look good so don't go running out to get your boyfriend Versace jeans.
Anyways if you saw them on the news on KRON 4...you probably got impatient. And if you didn't...you would too if they ran the same story on a goat with a number 3 on its side who everyone thought was the re-incarnated Dale Earnheart. They did the star spangled banner...their own rendition might I add. In the words of American Idols' judges...they made it their own. Then performed part of PSSOM. I'm assuming the guys' story was last because they were saving the best for last (which therefore explains the goat, spam, and Julia Roberts stories). If you saw it, you probably saw plenty of familiar faces, including Sara, Amy, Courtney (who was sporting glasses provided by Bloomingdales...just kidding), Amber, Meg, Holly, Jen, and of course the Dream Team. All of who got up and the freakin crack of dawn for the guys. Was I there? HAHA...in spirit yes, physically...oh no...I watched in the comfort of my PJs with coffee. I love the guys, but I love my bed just as much...and my bed was really warm.
I did get there with Bob and Wendy and walked around and met some people and Amber for a bit. We went to fine arts, the toilet displays, and ate lunch and the 3 of us got a tatoo. But Bob got a Henna band on his arm. Eventually we made our way to the tent and watched Matthew Vaughn (who's 15), Myra, Chepo (+ a homie), and Sweet Addicktion do their sound checks. I kept amused by talking with everyone and making new friends. Including 2 hotties at the Myra table...don't ask lol. Eventually the people performed and yaddah yaddah yaddah...and Sara, Court, Amy and I moved up to try and get close to the stage. After I believe it was Chepo (+ a homie) performed Freestyle Franco came out and tossed freebies out...which therefore made everyone run up to the stage and which therefore allowed Sweet Addiction come out to perform. Everyone up to NOW did 10-15 minute sets. I don't know if someone can double check me on this but the 3 girls were up there for at least half an hour. Maybe it just seemed like it because we were all eager for the guys. Amy and Sara were HIGHLY amsuing the entire time. We all kept ourselves amused by either just talking to each other or talking to the big brother and little sister standing next to us (who were totally cool). There was talk earlier in the day that the guys would NOT be allowed to do PSSOM because of the risque lyrics. Matthew Vaughn, who is a FIFTEEN year old sang highly suggestive lyrics of "Faded" by soulDecision while Sweet Addicktion was girating, skantily dressed, danced as if they were in a night club, made flirtatious (yet entertaining) movements at EVERY guy on stage (ok well they really only did have a total of 4 guys on stage lol), and sang lyrics some so explicitly insinuative that I had brought my daughter to this concert I would've taken her and left. Just to give you an idea of their songs they sang Kandi's "Don't Think I'm Not" and some song that used "All night, you and me," in the same sentence with dance moves that belonged in any place BUT a radio disney show. I wasn't sure what to think of someone around my age who felt the desire to wear a denim jump suit with a denim bra exposed enough to make the little boys in the crowd stare. It made me angry that Radio Disney had a stick up their...moral intuitions. Amy came by and said that we would chant "Pour Some Sugar" at the end of the supposed set of the guys. But first we had to get through a decade's worth of Sweet Addiction. They ended with a slow song called "Myles Away" which is sweet but at the same time makes you think, restraining order. Then some fast song which I wasn't paying attention to very much.
THANK GOODNESS they ended. I thought if I sat through ONE MORE song that I'd either jump on stage to sing a song of my own or chuck a blunt object at a furby toy that appeared to be on stage. All I wanted is for the boys to come out. And they did. So, we were talking about this after the show (and I mean "all of us we" sara) and decided that ALL the guys had a special quality to them on stage. Ryan was probably one of the most audience involved of all the guys constantly coming to the front, smiling, and shaking hands, Todd was so incredibly happy up on stage that his smile was maybe 5 miles wide at max, Matt turned into some sort of sex symbol because he had this very serious yet sexy Junoesque (is that right? I spell checked it) look to his face, Nick the entire time had the cutsie smile on his face, enough to make me smile at his smile. At one point he came towards the section we were standing at and I must've had the "My face is going to crack but its okay because I like your smile" smile on my face because he winked and either was laughing, or smiled bigger (my bet was he was laughing...I'd laugh at me too), Nick just has that smile that's addictive so it was a fun thing for me to stare at when he was on our side, and Dom, you could just see how happy he was...he was practically, how should I put this...glowing I guess you could say, yeah he was um glowing. It's hard to explain and but you could tell he loved...and i mean loved being on stage, you could see how excited he was to be in a room full of happy little girls who ate up the whole twin thing...as did I.
The guys were wonderful doing renditions of songs with a style that was clean (except for maybe the pelvic thrusts...) and familiy oriented. No girating, no touchy feely moments that were questionable, no bad language, no bad examples. The coreography was highly synchronized as were the harmonies. I suppose after an entire day of warming up in every way possible it was most likely they would be ready. One thing I noticed about ALL the guys was, they looked so proper. They had the right idea of shaking hands constantly throughout their set, pulled up one of the shyest girls on stage to sing to, smiled at every person, let out those habitual winks, and smiled throughout the show. With the lights on them and other elements, it looked like they belonged exactly there. If I could describe the route they have taken to this point in one word, it would be perfection. While every road has a speed bump the guys made it look like cake. They're succeeding in a dream come true and ultimately happy, how does one achieve it? Ask them.
Throughout the performance though I would turn to Amy or Sara and do entertaining things like wave our hands in the air and serenade each other. I was actually more entertained with Amy and I singing Just Say Goodbye to each other than the guys singing it on stage. We tried constantly to start the chant after certain songs but the cheering was loud or the guys went into the next song. Once we knew that the last song planned had been sung we immediatly started all together as did other fans placed throughout the crowd, even some people next to me and in front of me who didn't quite get the concept of fans pelting sugar at the guys chanted it to see what would happen if the cheer had a purpose. After the first bag of sugar Ryan asked "What's this? Sugar?" With fans still going. Dominic actually went to the edge of the stage to tell someone that Pour Some Sugar On Me was track one and to play it. I personally think that Radio Disney did it because they knew we wouldn't shut up and they wouldn't be able to do some contest if the guys DIDN'T perform it. So what happened? The guys performed it, rocked it, and they wore the stage the stage didn't wear them. Regardless of what anyone may have thought about how risque or "inappropriate" the song was, everyone sang along, danced, and was satisfied at the end of their peformance.
Amy, Courtney, Sara, and I all left the crowd immediately after to get some things we hadn't gotten since we got into the crowd....air and room. I walked over to Bob who was standing on the side to tell him i was really warm and we sought out to go find where Wendy had found a spot on the lawn. The Radio Disney people started to realize the crowd was literally disintigrating and decided to suspend all meet 'n greets till the end of the Myra performance. Some people stayed, some people went to go get in line at the autograph booths. I sat on the lawn with everyone as the sun set to relax. Sara, Amy and Courtney came and sat with us as did Joy and her friend Monica and Meg and Jen stopped by for a bit to chat it up. The sun was setting quickly but everyone's energy didn't. We sat for a while telling Townsend related stories or just stories about wierd things and school. Courtney, Sara and Amy got up to go check on the guys, and then got sucked into running errands while Joy, Wendy and I were on the lawn talking about the guys' and the little things about PSSOM, in a visual aid for a story I was telling I stood up and since my foot was asleep, lost my balance and actually fell and stepped on the guys sitting besides us. Embarassing? actually I'm used to being balance challenged so I actually felt bad for the guy and apologized. Eventually everyone came back and hung out for a bit. People were getting cold while I basked in the weather that was just comfortable for me (I was the only San Franciscan).
I went to go find Bob and in the process stopped by to see the guys at their table. They all looked good, and comfortable in the chairs, I got to Matt (sitting in the middle with a backwards cap...almost trading looks with Todd) and he stood up to give a huge hug and then Rye did too. I told Matt how he looked on stage and he was pleased with the opinion that I thought would scare any performer out of the water. What did I say? I told him something I would probably only tell the guys or a close friend...it was something to the effect of "Matt you looked like a GQ man." Why would it scare anyone? Because of the wording I used. He smiled and laughed as if he didn't believe a single word I just said. But Ryan agreed...so at least i wasn't the only one. I saw Todd and the only thing I wanted to do was give him a huge hug. We talked for a bit and took a picture and I told him where all of us would be and gave him a hug to head back before I would get lost in the dark. Fireworks soon began and they were absolutely gorgeous. Amy, Sara and Courtney had taken off to avoid traffic and because of exhaustion from the day as did Joy, Monica, and Joy's parents. I watched it with Bob and Wendy and it almost looked like they were going to come down on us. It got scary for me since I had never watched a fireworks show at the site of the fireworks. In the end we got up and headed towards the tent a bit on our way out and saw the Dream Team (always awesome people to talk to). Kaitlyn mentioned she had to get pictures with Matt and Ryan still so I went a few feet over to go help her with that. Rye was kinda fun to get the attention to. He didn't answer to his name at a louder than normal volume of my voice but when I mumbled "Sexy Torres" he looked around as if he thought he had heard something. Eventually "Rye" worked and he took a picture with Kaitlyn as I attempted to work a camera. The next task was getting Matt to take a picture...I think we should have a "Matt Call" for him to answer to since the only thing that works is Todd shouting 3 feet away "Matthew Roy Yoakum." For me it's a bit too long but maybe we should go "MRY!" just for short or maybe we should just scream "MY!" and it might work. We tried for maybe 10 minutes and retired after we realized that there was still a line of girls at 10PM. Bob, Wendy and I were Parking lot bound and were jammed in the lot for nearly an hour. It was fun though. Normally after a day like that I'm tired and fall alseep but I didn't. To keep us occupied for the jam we looked at the pictures Wendy took in her digital camera and they were so cool. I'm not high tech so a digital camera is like showing a baby a mobile.
We got to San Francisco and I said my goodbyes with a hug. I climbed up 3 flights of stairs to my apartment and ended up staying up till about 3:30 talking to Melanie about the day's events and then fell alseep. I woke up at 8 the next morning and then decided that daylight wasn't as much fun as the day before and slept it off in my pajamas all day to wake up in time for dinner.
Stay Safe & Stay You
Love Always,
Kristen
Townsendette_Kristen@yahoo.com
xoxoxo