Your Weekly Townsend Fix Column 16

OK I have like a bunch of columns on "stand-by." It's amazing how many times I think about Townsend everyday and I truly can't decide whether or not to make a column longer or just put it off. I'd hate to make your reading too long! I know I get boring! I get bored of me! Anyways, first off congrats to my Irish and Notre Dame San Jose! Thanks for a great time in the last day of WiLD 94.9's HIgh School Survivor Contest! Have a great time at the Peace & Unity Bomb, Los Altos have a great time with your dance, and Irish....CITY HIGH & DOMBEI CONCERT w/ WILD! Thank you so much to every school and everyone that voted for Sacred Heart Cathedral Prep here in San Francisco, we appreciate it!

Now, I need to write about this for this column because of just the response I had recieved after the whole Guest Insider's Column. Let me tell you I have gotten the most touching emails and the most touching phone call I have ever recieved. I recived an email that literally brought me to tears. So many of you have told me that you have gone through a similar experience of losing someone you loved. And for that I would like to dedicate this column to people who have lost their loved ones. There will be a link to Townsend but I wanted to voice out on this because after the emails, I feel like I need to voice myself on this. It's been almost 5 months since I lost my grandfather. He was my Gramps, my inspiration, my biggest influence. I lost my other grandfather before I was able to fully comprehend the meaning and the event of death. I figured it was like a goldfish, you get a new one. Little did I know that it would hurt me more 10 years later when I lost something that can never be replaced. June 18th I woke up, still getting used to summer. My mom was at work after a weekend. I had spent every day with my Grampa since really towards the end of May. I gave up seeing movies and stuff to go hang out with Grampa at home after I began to realize that his time was running out after his chemotherapy stopped. (He was too weak for it.) My dad said that Gramp's went to the hospital. As an instant deja vu I was scared that I may have missed something vital. In a way I did but it was probably good that I didn't go. He said that Gramp's just had a bit of an insulin scare and that he was fine and being stablized. I went on the internet since it seemed to be ok. I couldn't stop thinking about Gramps though. I had just seen him the day before for Father's day. I sat beside him on the floor while he lay on the couch reading him a card I wrote him for Father's Day and ate pizza while he told me about his village in China. We even joked around about me getting married. We talked about everything, including Townsend. It was funny because he said I had a glowing smile whenever I talked about them. (He picked up on that a while ago and mentioned it whenever I talked about them.) He gave me my bit of knowledge and our family was the last to go since we live only 5 minutes away. I remember helping him to bed and just saying "I love you, I'll see you tomorrow." He smiled, told me he loved me too and gave me a hug. I turned back one last time and my last happy memory of my grandfather was smiling and waving goodbye.

I planned to go to my grandparents house as soon as I could. The thing was he wasn't home yet. It was odd because when my mom called she said that the ambulance was taking him back home. I was actually kind of worried by it but mentally assured myself that it was simply because he was too weak to go to my aunt's car. That same morning was the first day back for my cousin, Travis, who had just graduated from Santa Barbara State University. He was there so I knew it would be ok. My mom said she was heading home but she had to "take care of things" so we could go visit with Grampa while she did some stuff. I didn't expect to see my mom teary eyed when I went downstairs to the car. She looked like she had been crying. I hadn't seen her this upset since he was diagnosed with cancer. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't want to think about it, "just get there" I thought. I got there. Travis and his sister Jenn were sitting on the apartment steps while dad parked the car. It was the first time I ever saw Travis teary eyed. I knew Jenn always got senstive to things like this but to see Trav like that shocked me. Jenn ran to me and took my hand up stairs to the apartment with Travis telling me that it would "be ok." The door was already opened and I could see it at the end of the apartment's hall. Only, I heard machines, they sounded like respirators and machines in the hospital. Odd, what was all this? I walked in, my great aunt, 2 aunts, cousins, uncles, and grandmother were all there. My Auntie Gail was at the kitchen table with my great Auntie Betty with a pad of paper and crumbled up tissues on the table. My two younger cousins were with my uncles and Auntie Judy being coddled. I hadn't seen my grandparents yet but before I could go in to the bedroom which was the only place left, Jennifer (who I'm really close with) ran up and just hugged me and started to wail. (No, not cry, wail.) I didn't know what to do. I stood there have surprised and kind of startled by her reaction but worried too. Auntie Gail (Mom of Travis and Jenn, eldest Dea Sister) came up to Melanie and I to tell us not to be afraid of Grampa, and that he looks different from yesterday. I figured that his dentures might have been left out but turned to the room to have repirators, oxygen tanks, and monitors blocking my path to the bedroom, I think I knew what was coming.

I turned to see my Gramma crying, she never cries. I looked to see who was laying in the bed and it was my Grampa. His mouth was open as if he was struggling for every breath with oxygen tubes and his eyes were closed. I walked in to hear my Gramma repeating the words, "it's ok Eddy, let go, just let go." I kept my cool. I went up to the two of them and gave them both a hug and a kiss. I whispered to Grampa I was there and that I'd be in the living room with Jennifer. I went to the living room around the corner and started to head towards to Jenn while she ran to me and for the first time I cried like I have never cried before. I had never felt the grief that I had felt then. My heart sunk to my feet and I was suddenly, angry, sad, depressed, frustrated, and felt so helpless that it made me more angry. My dad came in and knew what was wrong. I ran to him and kept saying "It's not fair, it's not fair." I was literally going out of control. I kept asking him questions he had no answer to like, "how much longer does he have?" "do you think he can hear me?" "what's wrong with him?" The entire house was crying. I'm sure that the entire floor of the apartment heard it. I had realized everyone had gone in there to spend time with him. My aunts had gone to the hospital and talked to the doctors. The doctors that morning said that Grampa had a bit more than a week. I went into the room after somewhat containing myself. I sat along side of my Grandfather and told him how much fun I had yesterday. I apologized for leaving before Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune was over but he looked tired. (We always watched them after dinner and even though Grampa never got the Daily Double he always gave it a shot.) I sat and told him and Gramma how special they were to me. I would hold my grandfather's cold and sweaty hands and prayed I would feel a squeeze or some physical sign of recognition that I was there. I was in and out of the room because I could only contain my tears for short intervals of time. About the third or fourth time, I told them both that they were my inspirations and that no matter what, I know that there would always be a piece of them in me. While I was saying that Gramma started to feel his chest. She was feeling his chest throughout the time I was there but now was doing it more feverishly. And now she asked me if I could feel a heartbeat. I felt, I prayed hard that I couldn't feel anything because his heartbeat was already faint. Only, I couldn't. . My mom who had just returned came in and she told me to get my dad. I went to get my dad and he raced to the bedroom. Everyone looked at me for answers and I broke down crying going, "I don't know." The two remaining Dea sisters went into the room and I heard my Auntie Judy wail "I love you Daddy!" At that second everyone in the apartment lost it and we were all crying. At that point I couldn't breath, neither could Melanie. Melanie probably worse than me, she even said her stomach hurt. I started to get light headed, numb and just short breathed. But the worst part, was that my chest ached so bad that I had to sit down. It hurt right near my heart of all places. It ached so bad, everyone told me it would be ok but I couldn't see it. I had left the apartment. I couldn't stay there I went to my great Uncle Joe's house with my dad.

We had to drive on the freeway and the entire way I listened to "Just Say Goodbye." I couldn't stop listening to it. After heading back we stopped at Burger King to pick up dinner for everyone. I got like fries or something but couldn't keep it down so I stopped eating. When I returned to the house I had noticed that they had taken my grandfather's body to the mortuary. I knew it before I finished the stairs. I smelled flowers and knew that he was gone. The week moved fast. In fact part of me felt like this wasn't enough time to say goodbye at all. To this very day it's still hard but I wanted to tell the people who emailed me, it gets better. I can tell you now that it's hard to me for this very day. In fact I had to put writing this particular column on hold because I got too emotional at certain points. But it does get better. I have found so many supports and "crutches" in so many places and you will too. The thing is, such an incredible blessing came from such a horrible loss. I want you to realize that no matter what, you're not alone, and it's important that you know that. For so long I felt like I was the only one going through it but it's not true.Townsend & Community was probably the biggest support and the most helpful. My family was awesome but I needed to hear from someone else that it would be ok. Sure enough, I did. The thing is, there ARE people who have gone through it as well.

Please know that I"m here for any of you and all of you. If you need to talk I'm here, a lot of you have emailed me and asked me about my grandfather and until now, not a lot of people knew about the last days of my grandfather. I think I'm still trying to cope with it all. And honestly, it's still hard but Townsend and Community was everything I needed and I'm blessed. To this day I'm speechless to how grateful I am and I will never fully understand what I did to deserve such wonderful people in my life. I have built so many bonds with so many people. Although I lost my grandfather, I gained friendship and support, and that means so much to me, so thank you, and i hope most of your questions were answered!

Stay Safe & Stay You,
Kristen
xoxo

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