Your Weekly Townsend Fix Column 15

Hey everyone,Sorry I've taken so long...I'll explain another time sine I won't waste your time on other stuff... well this column was of course, one delayed one. BEFORE I go any further into this column....THANK YOU. Thank you for everything. Not just for reading my column here and on the website, but thank you for everything, thank you for making my job as a co-founder so enjoyable. I truly appreciate everything you've given me to help me and Holly carry on to try and make this club evolve. I chose to submit this one because in the column posted on the site, I said I'd explain my mood that day on October 15th, that's so close coming again! When I originally wrote this I was a bit sick. Then again, I also originally wrote this column when the world was normal. Since then I've resumed some sort of normality.

Ok onto the fix. So I want to write about someone who's very special to all of us. Why? I have written about all the guys and stuff but I want to zone in on this guy. There's plenty of good reasons to actually. I mean how often do you find a guy so yummy? Throughout this column you will see how I feel about him and why I love this guy so damn much....this is also about my mood Oct. 15th...but it comes later lol.... So, I want to do this like peeling an onion. First the exterior and slowly but surely, the core. Haven't seen the boys lately? Neither have I. In fact I'm majorly missing them A LOT. I've seen Matt and the twins since the airshow but not Rye or Todd. I don't know why fate's keeping me from seeing Ryan and Todd again...I miss them. I'm majorly in an emotional stage right now. OK anyways, yea for some reason life's being a pain BUT I do have the memories of Townsend to keep me going for tomorrow. I remember looking at this guy and just being like "Damn, he's hott." I know it's wierd but for some reason, I always find myself being attracted to a complete and total stranger. If I'm ever attracted to someone I know, I freak out and mentally make myself think it's wrong. But heck, he was one stranger I didn't mind falling for. In fact, I think I"d break my "don't fall for a friend" rule if the oppertunity ever came up. About 4 years ago, a stranger, who isn't such a stranger anymore came into my life, Ryan Torres.

Now, you've probably gathered from the things I have written about him that I'm insanely in love with him, think about him non-stop, and all that stuff that girls crushing do. I admit, I do think about him on occasion and I WILL admit that I may have a slight attraction to him. But then again I think all girls that he crosses paths with end up like me. But I also look at him as a good friend, that to me means a lot more than JUST a hott guy. It means so much to me that he is what he is to me. When I first saw him I was just drawn instantly to...ok this is going to sound wierd, his hair. I know it's wierd, and probably sounding a bit superficial, but I don't know I just liked it. When he turned around there were the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. I was stopped at stop light in the car but with my window rolled down, I saw the most beautiful eyes. There was such a mystery to him that really made me curious. At the time I was too shy, I just didn't have the guts to, in a way he intimidated me. Not in the sense that he was going to beat me up or anything but he was super attrative, what buisness did ME of all people have going up to talk to a super hott guy? Exactly. For 3 1/2 years I watched Ryan from afar. I DID exchange e-mails with him a couple times though, I never had the courage to tell him what event I would be at because I was afraid of opening up my mouth and stumbling over words and sounding stupid. (Well, it wouldn't have made a difference, I do all that today.) Eventually, I couldn't withstand not making verbal communication with a guy who's been in my field of vision multiple times over the past 3 1/2 years.

July 7, 2000. I was feeling good that day. I had in a wierd sense, "transformed" myself. Shedding my "grammar school image" of braces, long hair, and out of date, ugly glasses, I was able to rebuild myself for a coming freshman year in high school. I had taken off those braces that had given me chap lips, cut the long hair into short layers, and gotten contacts all that in the week leading up to that Saturday. I was so proud of growing out of Grade-school image horrors that I even went out, bought a new tank top, jeans, sunglasses and even dared to put on the makeup that I had been to scared to put on for the past couple of months. I felt re-invented. I think all girls should re-invent themselves at one point or another it feels good. Honestly, I was a dork in grammar school. Well, I think so at least, I never was daring, spontaneous, or as random as I am now. I always played it safe, never wanted to take a chance, and took every step as careful as possible, I was petrified of making any mistake. I think one day I'll even scan in an old picture to show you how different I was then. So I was clearly happy with "the new me." I realized I looked different when Tilky from Take 5, who I had seen after sneaking past security, took the time to stop what he was doing and make conversation with me without checking his reflection in my ugly glasses. When was the last time a hott guy did that? Let's try never. I saw him later when I went to the autograph table to get his autograph and he smiled and winked at me and said, "Nice tank top." I still felt like that dork from grammar school though. That day, that day changed my life and who I am today. I left the line for Take 5 and made my way to the WiLD booth a feeling took over and I found myself at the feet of Ryan asking him to sign my shirt. WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING?! I'm Kristen "Dork" Ramos! Girls like me don't talk to guys like that. I know they don't because I had been one for the past 3 1/2 years! He was more than happy to sign it, he even smiled at me. I remember he couldn't hear me when I was telling him my name (which I had forgotten moments before) and he put his ear next to me to hear me spell what I thought was my name. I remember just wanted to wrap my arms around him and pull him off that stage and hug him. But hey, baby steps people, I'm asking Ryan Torres for his autograph, re-invent myself, and talkin to Tilky all in one day, it's not like I was going to get my nose pierced too...baby steps! Well baby steps lead to toddler steps when I asked the twins to sign my shirt too. I lost it, what was I doing? I'm supposed to be hanging by my parents worring that I wasn't going to get separated from them and buying souvineers like key chains and stuff! Well nevermind getting separated from my family because I found myself in a sea of people and to hell with souvineers, the T-Shirt was the best thing in the house. That night I don't remember a lot except for clinging to that shirt for dear life. I told my dad if he lost it I would hurt him.

July 9, 2000. Todd Dolci responds to an email I sent him regarding doing some sort of fan thing for "Team Pretty Boy." My first initial thought was that Todd was thinking, "I'll send this girl some autographed stuff and move on with my life." NOT! Todd turned into this buddy typa guy who I'd talk to once in a while and would email. Next thing I knew, he was telling me he'd be in Seattle and Nick would be in NYC but "Dom and Ryan could come over for an interview." WAT?! Ok I had re-invented my image NOT my personality. Still a dork at heart, there was no way that I would be able to handle it! But it's not like you can turn Todd Dolci down people, if Todd told me, "Let's go sky diving" I'd ask "Do you want me to grab a parachute too?" Sure enough plans had come in the works and the interview was on. I knew Ryan would be in my house, I had to work on finding something to go with my new me.

August 8, 2000. Nervous as heck I got up that morning. I mean, I had talked to Dom on the phone, and probably sounded strange to him anyways, imagine what it would be like with Ryan! I saw Dom pull in and passenger seat was empty. Half of me was relieved because, me being me at that time, I never wanted to take a chance and was scared of chances, this took the pressure off of me to be a bit "risky." (I was still a dork on the inside.) Well before I could head over to Dom, I see a black car pull up. RYAN?! GOOD LORD. He looked hotter in that car than a four alarm fire in a woodshop. Man, when he got out of that car everything started happening in slow motion. It's a bit of a blur to what I said to him but I remember hugging him and for a second, my heart stopped. Come ON people! It's Ryan! Don't get me wrong, hugging Dom was nice but I have been scopin on Ryan for the past 3 1/2 years! October 15, 2000. I won't go on with this whole diary of Ryan but This day I truly felt myself being at ease around Ryan, I forced myself into thinking that I can't screw up. I ended up completely forgetting it and naturally being me. I realized that Ryan didn't mind talking to me and who I was as ME. There was no need to be someone I wasn't because I was talking to Ryan Torres as Kristen. Even though part of the big dork was still hanging out inside of me, it didn't really bother me as much. Ryan didn't seem to care, he didn't look at me funny or ignore me, he was just Ryan and I was just Kristen, what a guy.

We've gotten through a few layers of Ryan. He's hott, he's got mystery, he's got beautiful eyes, he's hott. But over the course of the time I've actually known Ryan beyond the computer screen (I started counting on August 8th.), I've realized how easy of a person he can be around after I let down my guard. I have a super thick shield to guys because, well, I think it's part of the dork I still have in me, I'm super scared of being hurt by a guy. In fact after my first high school break-up, I refused to let any guy close and to know a lot about me thinking they might use it to hurt me. Ryan, I don't know. He still has a mystery but it's not as mysterious anymore, there's a shyness but not as much anymore. I find that I open up myself a little more to him everytime I see him and in little ways, he does too. I think in a way it's good that I'm leaving more and more of my dorkness behind. But Ryan's really helped me to be more comfortable with being myself and doesn't even know it. Before I could become someone I'm not, Ryan made me feel comfortable with myself which I wish I could thank him for without sounding all Hallmark today.

He's very sweet. For a lot of reasons I could mention but it would take forever. Part of me wishes I was his age so I could have the same knowledge and experience as him, or at least freeze time and catch up 4 years to him. He's been there a lot for me. He, without knowing it, had helped me leave A LOT of my dorkness comfortably behind because I have forced myself to leave that security blanket and move on. I love that guy. There are so many things I could say about him that I remember but I don't want to embarass him or something like that. Remember, this column is all about MY embarassments and humiliations. Ryan's awesome isn't he? I know I'm going in a loop here, but I can't help it. He acts, got a model figure, sings, dances, and is great with people. I remember a couple times I've turned around to find him talking to my parents or Melanie. At the 98 Degrees concert I had to watch Mel to not lose her but I was talking to Dom and well, yea I completely drowned out everything and everyone else out. Come on people, Dominic Restani, you could freakin tell me that a swarm of killer bees were heading my way and I'd still be zoned into Dom's conversation. When he walked off I turned, almost scared to look for Melanie who might have disappeared and saw Ryan talking to her! It was the cutest thing, he was talking to her, Melanie was talking to him with more ease than I had in the earlier days of knowing him and it was just him and her talking! My heart melt, seriously, I found myself just going "aww." It's not like Ryan was bored, there were thousands of girls he could've been talking to but he was talking to my sister, wishing her well on her arm that was in a splint from an injury that occured that day. That SAME night I was talking with Nick, Dom, & Todd and I told them to hold on a second because I lost track of my family. I turn to see my mom give Rye a hug and dad shake his hand! I turned around completely so I could complete a double-take checking to see if that was actually Ryan Joseph Torres talking to my family. My mom, dad, and Melanie were smiling talking to him...WOW. I'm impressed, anyways that night my mom talked about how highly she thought of Ryan with my dad and Melanie backing her up. WHOA THERE...my parents talking about a guy and his friends that are my friends so highly? It was awesome to not hear "they're so rude, blah blah blah...." regarding my friends. My mom has even said that if arranged marriages were still being practiced she'd be more than happy to see me married off to Ryan....HEY where did this come from?! FREEZE! Ok, mom doesn't even want me dating a guy, she needs like head shots, social security numbers, and family history and bloodline before even inviting him for dinner, and she want's to send me on a one-way-trip to Ryanland...I think it scares me more than pleases me....BABY STEPS MOM!

I'm seriously running out of words but with so many thoughts running through my head...I think it's the sick thing. But I CAN say, Ryan's well-rounded and significantly important to me like the rest of the guys. For the past 4 years he's always captured my attention, it's like the first time, EVERYTIME. Everytime I see him it's like July 7th, I ask myself what I'm doing talking to a hott guy. I wish one day I can muster up the courage to just be like "I had the hugest crush on you." I know he probably has figured it out by now, but I think it might be different if I actually said it to him. The dork in me still lingers....so don't hold your breath for that to happen.

Stay Safe & Stay You.
xoxoxo,
Kristen

Return To Your Weekly Townsend Fix Index

Return To Main Page