An Insider’s Look at Townsend

Chapter # 21

 

Are you ready for a totally lame Insider’s Column? This one is so lame that I’m almost too embarrassed to post it. What ever you do, do not try to emulate this style of writing, especially at school. That is unless you want to be tossed out of school. The problem with this style of writing is that it lacks style. I started this column on Halloween and I thought that it would be kind of fun if I wrote a Townsend horror story. There are several real oddities about how I wrote this. Care to venture a guess? By the way, an abridged dictionary’s definition of Incubus and Succubus is not comprehensive and it is somewhat misleading. Do not be offended by the definition. If this story were made into a music video it would probably be rated R for bad taste.

 

Do you what to win a back stage pass to a Townsend performance? If so, read on.

 

 

Townsend Meets Incubus

It was early evening; it was not particularly dark or gloomy even though the sun had already set. Actually, it was quite bright. Strangely enough, there wasn’t a hint of fog in the City, quite unusual for San Francisco in October. It was rather warm. Five young men, of better than average appearance, were waiting to catch a train on the corner of Fourth and Townsend. It was Halloween night. They appeared to be in costume and on their way to a costume party.

 

Two of the five were dressed exactly alike. It was obvious that the two were twins. They were dressed as Buddhist Monks. Their heads were shaved. They looked Italian. From each of their necks dangled a medallion of the moon. One was so bright that it looked like it was made of pure light. The other was so dark that it seemed to cast a shadow in all directions.

 

The tallest and oldest looking member of the group was attired in the cloths of a Rabbi. On his head he wore a yarmulke. He didn’t look particularly Jewish. It seemed like a rather strange costume for a tall, blood haired, blue-eyed, Danish looking guy to choose to wear on Halloween night. In his right hand he held a long staff. One end was resting on the ground. On the other end a gold Mogen Dovid (Star of David) was attached.

 

An individual, who appeared to be the youngest member of the group, was dressed as an altar boy. He carried a bottle of holy water in his left hand. It wasn’t likely that it contained real holy water. By the looks of the young man, it was more likely that the bottle contained imported mineral water. This fellow didn’t look particularly pious. In truth, he looked rather mischievous.

 

The fifth member of the group was dressed in a black robe. His feet were clad in sandals. In his left hand he grasped a well-worn Bible. Hanging from his neck was a very large silver crosier full of rubies and diamonds. He also had a large wooden cross hanging from his neck. He looked like a skinny Monk. He also looked extremely pious. Resting at his feet was a burlap sack. The pointed end of several wooden stakes was poking through the burlap.

 

At 6:05 the five guys boarded the southbound train to Gilroy. Gilroy, the garlic capital of the world, was their intended destiny. Acquiring large quantities of fresh garlic cloves was their objective. At 7:47 they arrived in Gilroy. At the train station in Gilroy an elderly gentleman was waiting for the five young religious attired men. He handed each of them a necklace made of garlic cloves. They placed them around their necks. The altar boy sprayed his with ode de toilet of Dolci Gabana for men. It didn’t help. It made it worse. The elderly gentleman handed each of the twins a sack of garlic cloves. The odor was pungent and pervasive.

 

The five young men immediately re-boarded the train. The train was now on its return leg back to the City. Within moments the passenger car that they had boarded was empty of all passengers but the five. The care remained empty of all but the five until it reached the City. They disembarked the car at 4^th and Townsend. The car reeked of the pungent odor of garlic and ode de toilet of Dolci Gabana for men. It had to be taken out of service. It stunk.

 

The guys were clearly on a mission. They hailed a taxi and gave the driver an address in the Mission District. The driver needed a shower. They young men did not realize that. The driver could not smell the garlic and the ode de toilet of Dolci Gabana for men. This was good. The guys gave the driver a generous tip. The time was 10:00pm.

 

It was a bright night in the Mission District, brighter than normal. The moon was full. It was a blue moon, the first blue moon of the millennium, the one and only day in the last 500 years that Allhallows Eve (Halloween) coincided with a blue moon. It was the day of reckoning, the day of the Incubus and Succubus. It was the day that the Celtic people foretold that the evil Incubus and Succubus would return to earth and continue their evil ways. It only happened every 500 years that the conditions were right somewhere on earth where the creatures had the power to break free of their unearthly chains and terrorize the helpless. Tonight was the night and the Mission District in San Francisco was the place.

 

The Incubus and Succubus were demons that were believed in medieval times to suck the life forces from the living while they were asleep. The creatures came at night only at night and usually only in dreams. They were the worst kind of evil and only the righteous and pure at heart could stop them. If they were not stopped tonight they would be free to roam between the physical world and the world of dreams for the next 500 years.

 

The Succubus is a female demon and the Incubus is a male demon. Between 500 and 1500 AD these creatures of the night roamed freely. In 1501AD the creatures mysteriously disappeared. They had spent the last 500 years locked away in the astral place called Jabalkar. Jabalkar is a place in the ethereal region that is believed to exist throughout and at a higher level than the physical world. It had long been prophesized the creatures would escape from Jabalkar on October 31, 2001.

 

Neither the Incubus nor the Succubus can be destroyed. It is believed by many that they are pure evil and have tremendous power. When the moon reaches its fullest on All Hallows Eve, this very night, they will return to earth. They have only one weakness and only for a very short period of time. When the creatures first returned to earth they have to take on a physical form. They are unable to take on their unworldly mystical form between the times when the moon is fullest and midnight. If they are not banished back to Jabalkar prior to midnight they will remain free for 500 years. They will be able to travel back and forth between the physical world and the world of dreams at will.

 

When in their physical forms they look and act much like ordinary humans and they have many of the same human frailties, but they also have powers. Powers that only they knew of. No one knows for sure, but it is believed that they take on the appearance of extremely attractive people. The Succubus is said to look like the perfect woman. And it was believed that the Incubus is so incredibly handsome that women fall immediately in love with him. It is also believed that the Incubus and Succubus would immediately loose their physical beauty if they were discovered for what they really were. They would be transformed into the most hideously ugly creatures imaginable. When they returned to the physical world they have to do so on holy ground and they have to confront four nearly divine individuals and one who was not so nearly divine. Because the devil herself clearly had a hand in setting the rules for this encounter the divine were to be totally unaware of their mission.

 

On this night the moon reached it’s fullest at 10:00, the very same moment that the five guys dressed as men of the cloth disembarked the taxicab in front of Mission Dolores. The very moment that they stepped outside the cab a huge fog bank rolled in. It was ghastly cold and so thick that the bright night became black. The young men did not know what the evening had in store for them. They had no way of knowing. How could they? They thought that they were going to audition for an MTV music video. Several weeks prior, the young man that was currently dressed as a Rabbi received a package in the mail. The letter seemed credible enough. It came from a reputable source. The points of contact panned out. In the package was a cash advance and very specific directions on what needed to be done and when it was to be accomplished. The letter stated that if the five guys wanted to star in an MTV music video they needed to follow the directions precisely and they were not to discus the directions with anyone. Several days later another package was delivered. Everything that the five young men were wearing and currently had with them was included in that package. That is, everything but the garlic, and the deodorant that they were wearing.

 

The “Rabbi” pulled a piece of paper from a pocket in his robe. It appeared that he was consulting written directions. He pointed to the front door of Mission Dolores. The five entered the mission. As they were walking in, an extremely good-looking man and women in evening attire were just leaving. Four of the five noticed the incredible beauty of the women. The fifth wondered why anyone would want to dress up in such a hideously ugly customs. The masks were so well done that they actually did not look like masks. They just looked like extremely hideous faces. Their appearance caused him to shutter.

 

Again the Rabbi consulted the directions. The directions stated that they should stand before the statue of the Virgin Mary and the Christ Child and wait to be greeted by Father Pasquale Garbanzo De Pasta. In unison they looked at their watches. All 5 watches read exactly 10:02.

 

Seconds later, Father De Pasta greeted the five young men. He thanked them for coming and then told them that they were brought here under false pretense. There was no music video. He told them about the Incubus and the Succubus and about how they were selected to do the work of God; about how they and only they could save humanity from the tremendous evil that was about to be unleashed on the world. If they failed in their mission there would be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

 

Of course the five young men did not believe Father De Pasta. How could they? They did not believe in ghosts or goblins. They thought that it was all some kind of joke.

 

“Who put you up to this?” They asked. “Was it T Rex?”

 

“No, I assure you, this is no joke,” stated the Father. “This is an extremely dangerous mission that you are being asked to undertake. There is a good chance that one or more of you will die.”

 

“Even if we were to believe you, why us? We are nobody! We are nothing more than five guys trying to make it in the entertainment business,” stated one of the twins.

 

“I do not know who selected you, but I do know that you were selected because there is one among you that has been touched by the Archangel Michael, and because another of you is pure of heart. Two of you are searching for love and understanding and one of you needs to learn about the goodness of humanity,” said the Father.

 

“And who among us is the one touched by the archangel, and who is pure at heart and are the twins searching for love and understanding?” asked the young man dressed in the black robe. “And why are we wearing these costumes?”

 

“I do not know the answer to your first question and you shouldn’t assume that it is the twins that are searching for love and understanding. I do know that it will take the combination of traits and the holy artifacts in your possession to beat the creatures. You are wearing the clothing of religious people because the prophesy states that five young men wearing the cloths of four very holy men and one oblivious soul will do battle with the Incubus and the Succubus.”

 

Pointing to the young man dressed as a Rabbi the Father said, “You are wearing the clothes of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov. Rebbe Nachman was born in 1772 in the Ukrainian town of Medzeboz. He was an outstanding tzaddik (saint), Torah sage, teacher and Chassidic master. Rebbe Nachman was a Kabbalist and a mystic of the highest order. The staff that you are holding belonged to him and it is said that it contains much of his mystical power. You are the only one that has the power to use it.”

 

Pointing to the young man in the black robe, the Father said, “You are wearing the robes of Theodore de Celles. Theodore de Celles was a Roman Catholic Priest. In 1210 he formed the Order of Crosiers. The Crosiers are an Order of Priests and Brothers. Their official name is Canons Regular of the Order of the Holy Cross. The word, crosier means "cross-bearer." Father de Celles wore that large silver cross you are wearing. Those are all real rubies and diamonds. Many poor people gave all they owned to make that cross for Theodore de Celles. The rubies represent the blood of the dead and the diamonds represent the tears of the living. Under the standard of the triumphant cross, the Priests and Brothers put themselves at the service of the people of God, to bring the hope of the resurrection to the world in spite of the sadness or sorrows of life. The men wearing that cross performed many miracles. That cross has considerable power when it is used by the right person.”

 

The father then looked at the young man dressed as an altar boy. The father said, “The cloths that you wear mean nothing. They are new. You are the first to wear them. The water in the crystal bottle that you are holding is holy water. It is probably the last of its kind, that water was blessed and made holy by John the Baptist.”

 

Next the father looked at the twins and said, “The clothes that you are wearing are nearly 1500 years old. Yes, they look new, but they are not. They belonged to two Buddhist Monks that were believed to have great mystical powers. They also were twins. The medallions that you are wearing belonged to them. It is believed that they were given to Da-hsien and Hsienic by the Hindu god Indra. Those medallions have immense power. One is good; it represents the sunny side of the moon. The other is evil. It represents the dark side of the moon. Together they represent the power of good over evil that exists in the world today. They cannot be destroyed directly. But each one is linked to the physical and spiritual life of the person that is wearing it.”

 

“If the Incubus and the Succubus are not defeated the dark moon will turn the day into night and good will no longer prevail over evil.”

 

“Forgive me father for saying this, but I think that you’re bonkers,” said one of the twins. “Besides, what is the purpose of all this garlic and the wooden stakes?”

 

“Oh that. The Garlic is for my tomato sauce. The stakes are for my tomato plants. Thanks for bringing them. After all, I am Father Pasta.”

 

“Father you have me quite flummoxed to say the least,” said the Rabbi.

 

“And I’m very confused,” muttered the altar boy.

 

“That’s what I just said,” said the Rabbi. “Father, how do we know that you are telling the truth?”

 

“Ask your friends what they saw when they walked in here,” offered the Father De Pasta “You have very little time. You have less than two hours to vanquish the Incubus and the Succubus.”

 

The young man dressed as a Rabbi looked towards the twins.

 

One of the twins replied, “I saw a very beautiful women and a rather handsome man. They were walking out the door as we were walking in.”

 

“Yeah, that’s what I saw,” stated the other twin.

 

“You got to be kidding. What did you two see?” asked the Rabbi of the other two.

 

“That’s exactly what I saw. The women was the most gorgeous women that I can ever recall seeing,” said the monk in black.

 

“Oh yeah, she was off the hook,” said the altar boy.

 

“Guys, please tell me that you are joking. Please tell me that you saw a man and a woman that were dressed up in a very hideous costume. Their faces were beyond ugly,” said the Rabbi seriously.

 

The five young men looked at each other. They wanted to question the veracity of the young man dressed as a Rabbi, but somehow they knew that he wasn’t joking. Four of them had seen two very attractive people. One of them saw the same two people. Only, to him they were very ugly. In unison they turned to look at the father. He was gone! Again in unison, they looked at their watches. All five watches read 10:02. According to their watches, not a second had passed since they walked into the church!!!

 

Note from the author: Okay, I’m tired of writing this story. Besides, I started this silly story one week ago today. There is no way in the ethereal plane of existence that I will be able to get this done before this Friday. The truth is, I’m not sure how to finish the story. Seems to me I need to kill off one or more of the guys. If not that, they should at least be seriously maimed. Don’t you agree? I’m not even sure if I’m going to have them win the battle with the evil creatures or not. Hey, do you want to help me finish the story? If you want to help, post your answers to the following questions on the message board. Warning!!! I do not want any responses from anti-fans who would use this as an opportunity to trash Townsend.

 

1. Should one or more of the guys be killed off? Remember this is only a story!
2. If so, who should be terminated and why? There is a logical answer to this question. No, I will not allow T Rex to be written into the story to be a sacrificial lamb. I might consider sacrificing one of the other parents.
3. Should the evil creatures be allowed to roam our physical and dream world for the next 500 years?
4. What kind of powers should the religious artifacts have? How about the clothing?
5. What kind of powers should the Incubus have? How about the Succubus? No, the Incubus cannot have the power to play really bad rock music.

 

How many of you thought that Incubus was just a rock band?

 

From the list of fans that choose to post a message on the message board about this column, good, bad or indifferent, I will select a “winner” to be awarded a back stage pass to a Townsend performance. You do not have to answer any of the above questions to be selected. All you have to do is post a comment about this column. You can even post a comment like, “T Rex, this was a dirty rotten trick you pulled on us to get us to read your totally lame column.”

 

If you are unable to come to a concert because it will not be in your area, I will find a suitable replacement prize. Maybe, something like the first autographed CD by Townsend under the Spunout Record label. Heck, maybe I’ll do both.

 

Okay, so I broke my promise to keep these columns short. Sorry!

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