The Florencia Lozano Homepage - Fan Fiction
LIES FEARS & LOVE
BY TROG |
CHAPTER
15 |
chapter 15
THE SUN, LLANVIEW:
Todd sat behind his desk, tapping his fingers lightly against the hard, shiny wooden surface and watching the phone. Tap, tap, tap...tap, tap, tap...tap, tap, tap... The soft trimeter of the rhythm had hypnotized him into believing it would ring any minute and she would be on the other end. He had sent Tea flowers after talking to Vicki, the peach rose bush in her garden seemed like a sign of some sort to him and now he waited around like some love-sick fool for a reply. Perhaps he was wrong to have sent them, perhaps last night had been her farewell to him...but he couldn't let her go. And her note had indicated some vestige of hope to him, or, perhaps, he was reading too much into it.
He reached into his pocket and read her note again, fingering the nest of her hair as his eyes stared at the word...SOMEDAY. Shoving it back in his pocket in frustration, he turned on his monitor and sat back in his chair--her face was there looking back at him. Staring into her eyes desperately, as if practicing and trying to summon up the courage to face her, he realized this was just a lifeless image and had learned last night that this was no substitute for the real thing--his night with Blair had been an ugly and costly lesson in that truth.
The images of last night's sensual tryst flooded his mind. Last night their bodies had done all the talking--traitors to their rational minds. Only their bodies told the truth in their passionate and fearless exchange, exquisitely tortured and broken into submission, crying out the truth in a beautiful agony. Their bodies were weaker, yet, infinitely more courageous and honest than their brains with their fears and their lies.
When he awakened this morning he had felt ready to face her, but she had already left. This time she was the one to run away. She had offered herself freely to him and then she had run, just like he had done in Chicago. They were so much alike fundamentally, both scared to death of this thing between them that had the power to make their bodies weak and vulnerable to their reason.
He reached over for the phone and grabbed a piece of paper with her phone number on it. A detective had procured her private number in a matter of minutes this morning. Dialing quickly, he entered all the digits and sat back, closing his eyes and biting his lip as the phone rang. On the third ring someone picked up.
"Ms. Delgado's residence."
Todd's eyes flew open at the unfamiliar voice on the other end. It wasn't like Tea to have a maid and yet, that's what it sounded like.
"Uh...Tea Delgado?"
"I'm sorry, Ms. Delgado is unavailable. May I take a message..."
Todd hung up quickly. He rose from his chair, picked up his empty coffee mug and whipped it against the opposite wall of his office. It crashed loudly and he watched all the little blue pieces of ceramic pitter-patter to the floor, breaking the quietness only to replace it with an even more empty silence. He walked over to the window and leaned his head against a metal pole as he looked out onto Llanview.
He heard the door behind him slam.
"Get lost, Briggs...I'm not in the mood for you," he called out without turning.
When Briggs didn't respond, Todd turned around angrily, ready to rip open his face--ready to destroy something, but when he turned, it wasn't Briggs, it was Tea.
She was just standing there looking straight into his eyes, wearing low-riding, loose jeans and small, red tank top, her smooth belly just peaking out between the two. Her hair was in a loose pony tail and careless sections fell around her clean, unmade-up face. But all he really saw were her beautiful dark eyes.
He did not have time to look away as his eyes locked on to hers and they linked.
Todd walked slowly toward her, his legs feeling like marble pillars as he moved, and his chest was pounding with fear as their eyes remained connected with a magnetic power of their own that drew him slowly to her. When he finally reached her, they just stood there, mute, and a few inches apart.
Todd gazed deeply into her eyes for the first time in a long time.
He had not forgotten their simple beauty and warmth. Their inner corners dipped downward as they unfolded gracefully into a perfect orb rising up slightly at the outer corners. Their feathery lashes fanned uniformly across the top and bottom lids and their color was darker than the hairs of her perfectly arched eyebrows which hugged her brow bone gracefully. The whites of her eyes were like shiny porcelain without a blemish on their surface except for the rosy pink of the inner corners. The irises were milk-chocolate brown, perfectly solid and consistent without any imperfections, and their pupils were black satin with a white, brilliant speck of light in each.
Her eyes were indeed beautiful, but it was what radiated from deep within their luminous corneas that moved him--a profound understanding and acceptance of him. He saw laughter and forgiveness in their depth. But mostly he saw love--a love that beamed from her eyes into his and penetrated his soul. Her eyes loved him.
"Tea," he whispered, his eyes brimming with unshed tears, pleading with hers,"do you still...love me? After everything I told you...all the ugliness inside me...can you still love me?"
Tea's tears flowed over her cheeks and ran down her chin, dropping off its edge to the floor. She was too overcome to speak and at first could only manage an affirmative nod.
"Yes," she finally stammered, "I love you more...if that's even possible."
Tea gasped as Todd pulled her into his arms with savage force, sighing deeply into her neck like some wounded animal who had finally found his lair--his safe haven. He rocked her against him as her body dissolved into his and he whispered "I love you" over and over again into her ear.
A few minutes passed before they calmed down and separated slightly--smiling and nuzzling and crying. Todd held her wet face between his hands as Tea tried to wipe her tears away. He smiled down at her emotional state.
"Well, I must look a fright," she said, laughing with joy.
Todd just smiled and nodded his head.
"Yeah, you do, Delgado--frighteningly beautiful," he said looking into her eyes.
Todd brushed her tears away delicately, placing his fingers under her chin and lifting her face to his. He bent down and kissed her eyes gently, then leaned in and found her mouth, warm and waiting. When their lips met Tea reached up, placing her arms around his neck to draw him closer. Moaning softly, he felt her body cleave to his as his own body came to life against hers.
Tea encouraged his kisses with her own, allowing herself to be seduced by his passion--to hide herself behind it--distracting herself for a moment before she could summon up the courage to divulge the true purpose of her visit, a purpose that would not produce this euphoric response. She allowed this brief reprieve of passion and love, before her deception was to be revealed and it would all come to an end.
Todd pulled away from her, breathlessly.
"Delgado, let's get out of here. Let's go back to The Palace, I still have our room there from yesterday," he whispered huskily into her ear. The look in his lusty eyes resolute.
Tea smiled, strangely touched by this, that he had kept their room. She wanted to let him whisk her away to that room--to that bed--and let him beguile her with his body and his love. But they had both used their passion to hide from the truth for far too long. This great deception had become such a burden for her and she could no longer bear it. Lourdes told her she must be strong and risk his anger, even though he may not forgive her. Reaching up and caressing his face, looking deeply into his golden-flecked, hazel eyes--Thomas Leon's eyes--she knew that this was her moment of reckoning.
"Querido...there is nothing that I want more right now than to make love to you until we both pass out from it..."
"That's fine by me," said Todd interrupting her and pulling her toward the door as they both laughed.
"No, Todd...we need to talk. I need to tell you something," she said, her voice and eyes becoming gravely serious.
Todd felt a shiver run through his body. He put his fingers to her lips to prevent her from speaking.
"No! No, Tea, I don't want to talk...talking ruins everything. Is this about Blair, cause Tea I'll take care of that, I promise you...I'll make her understand that it won't work with her."
Tea pulled away from him.
"This isn't about Blair, well not directly, anyway. This is about us."
Todd looked confused.
"What? What do you have to tell me? Is there...someone else, Tea," he asked, the fear in his question palpable.
"Yes. But not in the way you think. Please, Todd, sit down and let me explain."
"I don't want to sit down! Damn it, Tea, just tell me. Is there another man...in your life?"
Todd stood still as a statue, feeling that his world was about to collapse.
"Yes, Todd, there is. His name is Thomas Leon, and he's my son....he's our son."
Todd and Tea stood silently.
Todd stared at her but his face registered no emotion that she could read. Finally she noticed him taking a deep breath and the rage beginning to darken his eyes as his body tightened and tensed. She saw all his walls, all his defenses rise up and snap shut around him like some impenetrable fortress guarding against his approaching enemy. She knew him so well as she watched him prepare for battle, knowing he was capable of incredible violence and destruction when he felt betrayed, but...she was also certain of his love for her and still hoped to make him understand.
"What did you just say to me," Todd asked in a voice so controlled, so eerily calm, that it sent a shiver through her.
Tea took a deep breath and looking him straight in the eye, forged ahead into the battlefield.
"After you left me in Chicago, I went back to New York. I found a job and a place to live, an apartment in the building I grew up in, and a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. For a while I'd hoped that you'd come back, but you didn't. So I went ahead and had him on my own."
"He was born December 18th, a few weeks early but perfectly healthy. He weighed 6 pounds and 3 ounces and he was 21 inches long--a little small I guess. He had light hair and hazel eyes. And I named him Thomas Leon Delgado Manning, after you and my father. I call him Leo."
Todd took a few steps closer to her, his fists tightened and she felt his restrained anger as he shook his head.
"No! This isn't true...because...you're Delgado...and you don't lie to me. Everybody else in this fucking universe lies to me...but...not...you."
"It's true, Todd. We have a son," she said, consumed with shame.
"You're telling me we have a kid who's almost 9 months old, and you didn't tell me? How the hell could you do this to me," he said, looking more hurt than angry as he continued to look at her in dismay.
Tea looked away from him as she felt a thick lump rise up in her throat and fought back tears.
"I didn't know how to tell you," she whimpered.
Todd uttered an ugly laugh.
"What, that great advocate of the courts, Tea Delgado, defender of truth and justice didn't know how to tell me? But you're so good with words, Tea, that's your job! What, did you forget how to talk, or how to write, or how to pick up a telephone, or send a fax or a fucking e-mail," he was shouting at her, his restraint at its limit.
Todd started pacing, his hair flying and his eyes wild as he nodded his head.
"Now it all makes sense to me. That big seduction number yesterday and that sweet little act a few minutes ago...all lies, right? Just trying to butter me up, to manipulate me and lull me into some kind of submission to soften the blow of your lies! First you tell me you love me than...wham...you lie to me. Is that your game?"
"Is that really what you think of me?"
"I don't know what the hell to think of you," he said with disgust.
He turned his back on her and covered his face with his hands. Tea walked slowly up to him and touched his back but he pulled away from her as if her touch had scalded him. His rejection hurt her deeply, but she needed to get through to him.
"How was I suppose to tell you, Todd...you left me, remember?"
He turned sharply and came at her.
"Now it's my fault? Do you think if I had know that you were pregnant that I wouldn't have been there?"
"I didn't want that. I didn't want you with me out of pity."
"Well it wasn't just about you and what you wanted," he yelled,"this kid is half mine! What about me and what I wanted! What about my Goddamned rights, Tea? They don't count for anything? You took my son from me! You robbed me of 9 months!"
He walked over to his desk and swept his hands across the top sending everything on it crashing to the floor. The computer monitor with Tea's face on it smashed into two pieces as it hit the floor with a loud boom followed by a little puff of smoke. He leaned over a drink cart, staring down at the bottles and glasses, then flung it wildly, sending it wheeling across the room until it clashed with the wall shattering all the glasses and bottles into jagged little pieces.
A mousy, blond secretary rushed in, drawn by the noise in Todd's office but he threw her a menacing look.
"Go away!" he yelled at her.
She ran quickly. Everyone at The Sun was all too familiar with their eccentric publisher's violent temper and when he was in a bad mood, no one came near his office.
Todd walked over to the coffee table and flipped it over. Grabbing it by two legs, he smashed it against the wall with a few thunderous blows that shook the walls until finally it splintered and broke in half. He was panting hard with the exertion while Tea stood still in the center of this chaos, watching him quietly, letting him spend his anger on the expensive office furniture.
"Had enough?" asked Tea crossing her arms and tilting her head, raising one eyebrow like she did so many times before when she watched him take one of his famous maniacal tantrums.
He looked over at her, his hair in his eyes, angry and out of breath.
"Tell me the truth, Tea. Did you not want me near this kid because of all that...stuff I told you about...with my father? Isn't that the real reason you kept this kid away from me? Because you were afraid that...maybe I'd destroy him...the way my father destroyed me?"
"No! No! That never even crossed my mind, Todd. Not for a second."
He struggled to believe her.
"Then why? How could you do this to me, Tea," he shouted.
Now it was Tea's turn to lose it.
"How could I do this to you? Oh, I forgot, it's all about you," she screamed back," never mind that you left me out of my mind in a Chicago hotel room and never looked back! Did you forget how to write, Todd? Or how to telephone? Or how to fucking e-mail? Ha?"
"I didn't know where you were," he said rather defensively, caught off guard by her sudden anger.
"You're a millionaire, Todd! I'm sure if you had given a damn about me you could have found me in a minute! I wasn't hiding! But I suppose you were too busy fucking Blair to give me a second thought!:
Tea was screaming at the top of her lungs and Todd was silenced by he jealousy and rage.
"At least I made an effort to find you, but I can't say the same for you. Maybe if you had, things would have turned out differently. But I guess you were too distracted, letting Blair lick your wounds and all, while I was pregnant and alone. When I found you, you were with Blair and Starr, and now Blair's pregnant for God's sake, What was I suppose to do!"
He walked over to her, a little calmer than before.
"You were suppose to tell me the truth. The fact that you didn't doesn't make you any better than Blair!"
Tea's eyes blazed with fury. Walking up to him defiantly with her chin out and her fists clenched, she got so close he could feel her hot breath on his face. For a moment he thought she would strike him and he backed away slightly.
"Don't...you...ever...compare me to that lying bitch." She spat out her words. "I may be guilty of many things, but I'd have to sink pretty low into the gutter to get down to her level, like you have. And don't you stand there and call me a liar, not after all the lies you've told me. Or have you forgotten the months and months of DID...and all the other lies I've forgiven you for."
Todd avoided her eyes as she slung her own accusations at him.
"So, this is payback, Tea? For Blair, for the DID? Is this your revenge on me?"
Tea threw back her head and cried out in frustration.
"No! This isn't about revenge, Todd. I just wanted you to know."
"Why? Why now? You want my money? You want to use this kid to manipulate me and blackmail me," he said in an almost paranoid state, "why tell me now?"
She stared at him shaking her head in disbelief. Walking closer to him, she let out a long sigh and spoke in a soft, trembling voice.
"I would never use our child to manipulate you, or extort money from you and I think deep down you know that. I have wanted to tell you for so long, Todd, since long before Leo was born. It's been killing me inside. I came to Llanview to see Carlotta, but in my heart I know I came to see you and to let you know. I came to tell you because...I love you...and because I want my son to know what a wonderful man he has for a father."
Todd looked down at her crying face and felt his defenses weakening at the sight of her tears. He had accused her of being a liar, but it was her honesty that always disarmed him. Walking over to the sofa and burying his face in his hands, he shook his head slowly--his mind reeling with confusion and anger...and also, love for her.
"I'm going to go now," said Tea softly.
Todd's head snapped up. He looked at her, shaken and confused.
"What? Now you're leaving me? First you...you ambush me with this...now you're leaving me?"
"I think you need some time to absorb all this, but, when you're ready to see him, you're welcome any time. He's as much yours as he is mine. There are no limitations or conditions on your time with him. In the morning I'll file joint custody papers and I'll send you a copy."
Todd was stunned by her statement, and this act of faith and trust in him on her part. He watched her take some papers from her purse and placed them on his empty desk.
"This is my address and phone numbers in New York. I'm so sorry Todd. I know I was wrong to keep this from you for so long, but at the time I thought it was the right thing to do. I hope some day you can forgive me."
She made her way across the floor, her sandals crunching through the debris, and went to the door. She opened it and turned to him one last time.
"You know how I know I'm not like Blair? She never would have risked losing you by telling you the truth like I just have."
There eyes locked together, connecting in their mutual sadness before Tea looked away and walked out.
Todd stared at the closed door for a while.
Suddenly he shot up and ran out the door to the elevator, but the doors had shut and all he could here was the long, vacuumed drone of the elevator moving downward and farther away. He leaned his head against the cold, metal doors before walking back to his office dejectedly. Heading toward his desk, kicking rubble angrily across the floor as he went, he picked up what she had left. There was a piece of paper with her address and phone number along with her business card. There was also a white envelope and when he opened it, a photograph fell onto the desk.
Picking it up slowly, he saw a little boy with golden brown hair that fell way below his ears, and his own eyes staring back at him. Todd sighed deeply as tears welled up in his eyes and he choked with the indescribable joy of looking at his son for the first time.
"Leo," he whispered as a bittersweet smile came to his lips.
to be continued...
2001 Copyright by Trog
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