The Florencia Lozano Homepage - Fan Fiction
LIES FEARS & LOVE
BY TROG |
CHAPTER
12 |
chapter 12
LLANFAIR
The heavy, musky scent of roses hits Todd in the face as he approached the vast rose garden at Llanfair. He spotted Vicki in the distance, on her knees, pulling out weed after weed. She was wearing a wide brimmed, straw hat and gardening gloves, and beside her was a flat basket of pink and yellow, freshly cut roses. The lady of the manor, he thought to himself and smiled. For a moment he just stood and watched her in this fragrant serenity. Who would have guessed that she had been through so much suffering in her life.
He admired her. She had the ability, the strength to put her past where it belonged and go on with her life. She had found a way to be happy...
As he got closer, he was arrested suddenly by a large rose bush to his right. Looking down at the delicate peach buds and large blooms with their myriad of soft, peach petals, he thought of Tea - this was her favorite flower. Leaning over a large rose, he bent down and inhaled deeply letting the scent carry him away for a moment - its perfume smelled like hers, musky and powdery with just a hint of sweetness. Yanking off a few petals he shoved them into his pocket, where her note was, and he headed toward Vicki.
"You know, Vicki, you can hire some Guatemalan flunky to do that for you cheap."
Vicki looked up from her weeding, surprised by his presence, and smiled. Getting up, she pushed her sun hat back and let it fall behind her, held by a string around her neck, and she proceeded to remove her gloves off, one finger at a time, finally throwing them into her basket, never taking her eyes off Todd.
She noticed he looked much better than he had yesterday morning and he seemed more relaxed then usual, but she wondered what brought on this impromptu visit. He rarely sought her out unless there was a problem.
"Yes, I know, I have a staff for this sort of thing, but I love doing it...I find it relaxing. There's something very satisfying about planting something in the dirt, nurturing it and watching it grow into something splendid, like a beautiful rose - or like raising a child, I suppose. But I'm guessing you didn't come here to discuss gardening?"
She walked over to a small stone bench, half covered with English Ivy and sat down.
"So, little brother, to what do I owe the honor of your visit," she said, smiling at him inquiringly.
Todd put his hands in his pockets and kicked a pebble around a few time. He wasn't quite sure what he was doing there, but he had gone to The Sun for a while and couldn't concentrate on anything but last night. Looking straight into her eyes with perfect candor, he said the first thing that came into his head.
"I want to leave Blair."
A breeze brushed through the rose bushes and their flowers all swayed and whispered making the silence between them more audible. Todd noticed the shocked expression on her face as her mouth parted as if to speak, but than closed again.
"Go ahead, say it! Let's hear those moral platitudes of yours. Bring'em on. Tell me what a horrible excuse for a human being I am. Tell me what a miserable and heartless son-of-a-bitch I am for leaving her while she's pregnant with my kid. It's okay, I can take it, Vicki," he said pacing wildly, then stopping in front of her waiting to be chastised.
"That's not what I think at all, Todd...but...is that what you think?"
He looked down at his feet and then went and sat next to her.
"Vicki, I really need to know what you think....I don't want to screw up again."
Vicki sighed deeply and put on her analytical face.
"Well, Todd, I guess I would have to know why? Why do you want to leave Blair?"
Todd stood up again and looked across the garden at the peach rose bush on the end - it stood out quite vividly from the rest.
"I...don't love her...hell, I don't even particularly like her." Todd struggled with his words as he sat beside Vicki again. "When I'm with her...I just feel bad all the time..."
"Well than why did you take up with her again?"
"I don't know...maybe for Starr...maybe to have a family...maybe to stop thinking about...it all made sense in my head at the time. Hell, I didn't think she was going to get pregnant..."
"Well, Todd, I think you have to bear part of the responsibility for that part."
He stood up again, clearly agitated.
"Yeah, tell me about it. Can you believe we did it one time...you know...the sex part...and she winds up pregnant."
Vicki was surprised by his statement, he rarely discussed sexual matters of any kind.
"My, my, isn't she the fertile myrtle," said Vicki sarcastically.
"Yeah, it's the only thing she does really well...getting pregnant, I mean...not the sex part."
Again Vicki raised an eyebrow, stunned by his statement. She was getting the impression that particular aspect of their relationship was not very satisfying. She was not surprised, their childhoods had handicapped them both in that department.
"And, yeah, I know it's my faut...I mean, that's why I'm trying to do what's right...but in the end it's still another kid with Blair...and we suck together, Vicki. I mean look at what we've done to Starr - she's a little monster - don't think I don't see that just because I go around pretending she's just a chip off the old block. I mean what chip could be normal being chipped off the Todd or Blair block, right?"
Vicki laughed, shaking her head at his silly cliche`, and finally stood up and looked him straight in the face.
"What happened suddenly Todd to make you change your mind about Blair?"
Todd was surprised by her question. It always astonished him how perceptive she was and he moved away from her not wanting to answer her question.
"What I mean, Todd, is that you've been after Blair practically since you came back into town, one might say with a vengeance. You were instrumental in breaking up her marriage, you saved her from going to prison with your testimony, and you almost married her. Was this all another flawless performance by that great thespian of the Llanview stage, Todd Manning?"
Todd turned to her, only too aware of her implication.
"You better than anyone, Vicki, should know what a great actor I am," he said staring into her face.
Vicki nodded her head slowly, the pain of his DID lie, that brilliant performance, still stung sharply. It had been hard to forgive him for that particular betrayal, but it was a weakness in her - needing to forgive him. They were kindred spirits in many ways, sharing an ugly and heinous secret that made them understand each other...and, somehow...always forgive each other.
"Alright, Todd, for the sake of argument, let's assume that your time with Blair has indeed been one great big act. As I recall, your great deceptions are usually motivated by something else..Oh, like staying out of prison? So...what was the motivation behind this great drama?"
Todd looked away from her. Burying his hands deeply into his pockets and swinging his hair back he turned and stared at the peach rose bush in the distance. He said nothing.
"Did it have something to do with Tea?"
Todd swung around quickly and approached her, hostile and nervous as he barked at her.
"No! No! This has nothing to do with Tea...Tea left me...why can't you just accept that and move on?"
"Because it's obvious that you haven't moved on. And for the record, I don't believe that Tea left you - I gathered that much from our little talk at the country club. I can tell you're still in love with her, and I believe that she's still in love with you."
Todd's face softened and his voice came out softly.
"Did Tea say that...that she still loved me?"
"No, she didn't have to. It was the expression on her face whenever I mentioned your name, the same expression you get whenever I mention hers."
Vicki watched his eyes mist and his nostrils flare slightly as he turned away from her. Vicki could feel his sorrow and she walked up to him and touched his arm comfortingly.
"Todd, why did you leave Tea? You never talk about it, but you haven't been the same man since you parted from her. Don't think I can't see that...even with your brilliant performance."
Todd's face was contorted in agony. She knew he wanted to open up to her, but his defenses were so strong, his resolve to stay hidden so powerful, that he just shook his head and said nothing.
"Sweetheart, you can tell me anything at all. I won't judge you, or stop loving you for it. I know what it's like to live with shame and guilt, and to believe that no one could ever truly love you if they knew your darkest secrets."
Todd walked away from her gasping for air. She was way too perceptive and he wasn't strong enough to tell her. He'd already lost Tea because of it and he wasn't about to lose Vicki too.
"I can't. You're stronger than me Vicki, you always were. I can't let it go like you did and just go on like nothing happened."
"Todd, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my past, and heck, everybody knows about it anyway, it was in all the papers."
Todd stared at her quizzically.
"How do you deal with that, Vicki? With everyone knowing what happened to you - what my father did to you?"
"Because that's not who I am, Todd. I won't let myself be defined by what he did to me, that would make me his victim forever, and I stopped being Victor Lord's victim a long time ago."
Todd looked lost, and perplexed.
"How?"
"By letting people love me, and allowing my self to love them back. I gave myself the best gift of all, Todd....forgiveness. And that, dearest brother, is what you have to give yourself."
Todd stared at her as if she were speaking some foreign language that he couldn't quite grasp.
"Ah, gobbledegook! I ask you for an answer and you give me this simplistic, feel good crap?"
"I know it's not the answer you want to hear, Todd, but it is truly the only answer. Now...since you're obviously trying to avoid my question, I'll ask it again. Why did you leave Tea?"
He walked back to the stone bench and sat down. Resting his head against the back rest, he closed his eyes and felt the cool, rough stone against the back of his neck.
"Can you be too close to someone, Vicki...you know, that whole moth-to-a-flame thing?"
Vicki walked back and sat beside him, stroking his hair affectionately.
"No. I don't believe that. I think the closer two people are the better, and that comes from love and trust. Sometimes, Todd, two people are just meant to be together - soulmates if you will - I know that term is over used, but it's apt. I had that once with my first husband, Joe Riley. You would have liked him, Todd. We just connected on every level - spiritual, intellectual, physical - I never loved another man quite that way again."
"Lord knows you've tried again and again, and again..." said Todd smirking.
Vicki elbowed him playfully, laughing softly.
"I love Ben dearly, and I have truly loved all my husbands in different ways, but not like Joe. I could tell him anything and know he would always love me. It was like we could look into one anothers' souls. He was truly the love of my life, and I have never felt closer to another human being."
Todd watches her, obviously moved by her confession, then pretends to play the violin.
"Would you like some music to accompany this romantic garbage your feeding me?"
Vicki smiled at him, shaking her head in amusement. Whenever she got too close to something he always cracked a silly joke - it was unnerving, but also, strangely endearing.
"I think that's how it is for you and Tea. What happened, Todd? Did she get too close to you?"
Todd bolted up and walked away from her, his hair and jacket flying as he went.
Vicki got up quickly and followed him. He stopped in front of a peach rose bush and touched the flowers with unusual delicacy.
"I want her back, Vicki," he whispered, "And I don't know if I can get her back. I don't know how to face her now."
He looked so lost, and so devastated that Vicki took him in her arms and she felt him shaking with pent up emotions that he didn't want to release. He let her hold him for a moment before pulling away from her and getting control over himself. He felt the note in his pocket, and staring at the peach rose bush, he spoke in a somewhat dreamy voice.
"When I was with her...when we took off...Vicki, I never felt so good. I mean I missed Shorty like hell, but when Tea was with me I was...you know...the H-word..."
Vicki smiled at him.
"You mean HAPPY, Todd?"
Todd smiled back at her, almost shyly, but it faded quickly.
"It scared the living daylights out of me...it's like I lost complete control and just melted into her...I let her see everything...and then I totally freaked - I panicked and ran like hell. And I didn't stop until I wound up back here where I proceeded to make a holy mess out of my life. Now I'm stuck."
"No, Todd, you're not stuck at all! You just need to be brave, to summon up all your courage and face Starr, and Blair, and most of all, Tea."
Todd looked at Vicki with uncertainty.
"So you won't hate me if I leave Blair?"
Vicki walked up to Todd and looked him straight in the eye.
"To tell you the truth, Todd, I can't stand her at all. I think she's a hard, bitter woman, a mediocre mother, and a lying, scheming tramp. And she's not fit to wipe your shoes."
Todd laughed.
"Hey, careful, that's my fiancé you're talking about."
They both laughed.
"I'll support whatever you choose, Todd. And I know you will always take care of your children."
Todd walked over and gave her an awkward hug.
"Thanks, Sis. Now I gotta go before Briggs turns my rag into some dull, respectable newspaper like The Banner," he said as he walked away.
to be continued...
2001 Copyright by Trog
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