The Florencia Lozano Homepage - Fan Fiction
LIES FEARS & LOVE
BY TROG |
CHAPTER
8 |
chapter 8
LLANVIEW WATERFRONT
Todd stared out at the dark waters of Llantano river, looking into their dark expanse as if they were a mysterious oracle that would provide answers to his questions. Should he try to see her, or would that just drag out the torment of losing her yet again? How would she look at him now? What would she see when she looked into his eyes, a man she once loved, or a vicious rapist capable of destroying her? And how would he explain Blair when he didn't fully understand himself?
His senses were full of her. He could picture her so vividly as he closed his eyes--could almost hear her voice riding on the wind that blew off the water.
"Todd?"
He opened his eyes slowly and turned toward the sound of her voice...and she was standing there....an ethereal vision in robin's egg blue. The hem of her dress danced in the breeze as her gauzy shawl slipped from her shoulders into the crooks of her elbows, its silky fringe dancing in the wind. Her hair fell in soft, careless wisps around her face and her entire being was lit from above by the soft glow of the moon. This image floated toward him in the mists that rose off the water. Todd stared at his apparition for a moment and smiled for he had become a master at recreating her, an artist at capturing every detail of her likeness--so real he could almost reach out and touch her. But suddenly, his vision stepped closer and he heard her say his name in a voice that was unmistakable.
"Todd?"
She stepped closer. Her velvet-brown eyes searching his face, her lips parting slowly and saying his name.
Todd lifted his hand to his chest. It felt so tight, like it was being pumped with too much air--a, big fat helium balloon that had long reached its intake capacity--ready to explode. Feeling panic and desperation....and elation...he gasped for air. He couldn't handle this!
"Tea," he whispered, turning his back suddenly and starting to walk away from her.
"Todd! Please...don't go....don't you dare walk away from me, you coward," she shouted with an anger that caught her by surprise.
Her words stopped him in his tracks, but he kept his back to her as she walked a little closer until she was just a few feet away. They stood there in silence, each afraid to speak, each afraid of the words that would probably drive them apart again--terrified to stay, or to go--two ghostly images, hovering in the mists, looking for something.
"Why did you come here tonight," he asked quietly without looking at her.
The sound of his voice aroused her from her stupor. It had been a long time since she'd heard its perfect diction, its fine enunciation--she loved hearing it.
"I don't know....I just felt like walking and somehow wound up here."
He closed his eyes and absorbed her voice, marveling at its sound, the way it lilted softly through a sentence like a whisper with its pitch rising on her last word. It sent a soft, thrilling tremor through his body. He shifted sideways so he could see her beside him, but he avoided looking at her face, ignoring her eyes.
More silence followed.
"Are you happy with her...?" Tea asked this with her voice trembling, filled with trepidation--not certain why she asked this.
Todd was caught off guard by her question, ambushed once again by her directness. This was his Delgado--cut to the chase.
Todd dropped his head and turned away from her, not wanting her to see his pained expression, or the shame he felt for betraying her. He and Tea weren't married legally, but in his heart she was his only wife and sleeping with Blair, however ugly the experience, was a betrayal of everything they had shared. He sensed Tea felt it deeply from the sound of her voice.
"No...I'm not. That's the whole point of being with Blair."
"Then why the hell are you having a child with her," Tea shouted, her voice filled with rage. She was shaking--her control slipping away at his cavalier explanation. "It took us years to achieve that level of intimacy... and you came back here and gave yourself to her so easily? I hate you for that! You make me feel like nothing....like everything between us was nothing!" Her suppressed anger from this last year exploded and she couldn't hold back this avalanche of betrayal she felt at him. She thought she was passed this but being so close to him always brought every emotion to the surface.
"I never gave myself to her," he shouted back, pacing manically and raking his hand through his hair. "I was stupid...and desperate...and I thought maybe, for one second, maybe she could make me feel something, anything to take away the pain of being without...oh, who cares...it was one lousy, empty, stupid night with Blair and wouldn't you know it, she hits the jackpot....bing-bing-bing-bing....she winds up pregnant," he continued, almost hysterically.
After their sudden outbursts they were silent again, like angry steam had been released from some emotional valve inside both of them and now they were calmer.
"It happened one time with Blair, and the following morning I woke up feeling dirty and disgusting....and pathetic. Starr wanted us all together, she wanted her family back and God knows I owed her that much after abandoning her so many times. And...I was lonely. After us...Chicago...I felt like I'd been free-falling and like I was never going to land. I tried to grab on to something familiar, anything to keep from drifting, and I wound up back here with Starr and Blair. And now...Blair's pregnant...and that's it....that's all she wrote."
Todd had nothing else to say about Blair, she was irrelevant in the scheme of things. They used each other--two people caught in an entangled snare of their own secrets and lies, inextricably connected by the children they created--by-products of their deceptions.
Tea felt his sadness. Placing her hands on the railing she looked out at the water, standing beside him.
"Are you going to marry her?"
"Probably, for Starr, and the kid...but I'll never be a husband to her again. That part of our relationship is over for me. I don't want to sleep with her."
Tea stared up at him for a moment, shocked by his statement, but she knew him well enough to believe it.
"So, it's back to celibacy for Todd Manning, is it," Tea said lightly, smiling a little.
"I guess you spoiled me for anyone else, Delgado," he said smiling and giving her a sidelong glance. She started laughing and the sound of it made him ache for her as images of making love to her flashed vividly through his brain.
A minute ago they were yelling, now they were laughing. It was always like this with them--the ability to disarm each other emotional. His mood lightened slightly, but when his voice came out it was sad and serious.
"I wish I had gotten you pregnant."
His words took Tea by surprise. She felt tears rise to her eyes as she stepped away from him overwhelmed with guilt and apprehension of keeping Leo from him. Todd noticed her reaction and immediately regretted his statement, though he meant every word. He walked up behind her and spoke in a soft, comforting tone.
"Hey, Delgado. I'm sorry for saying that...it just came out. I didn't mean to upset you or anything."
Tea wiped her face and turned to him, but he looked away quickly--before their eyes could connect--and stared back at the river.
"Is that the only way you'll stay with a woman? If she entraps you with a child? I would never want that for you--for us."
"I know," he said, "you're not Blair."
"No, I'm not Blair. If I was, I would be living with you and having your children," she said sadly, the anger in her voice starting to resurface. "It's ironic isn't it? You can be with a woman who lies to you on a daily basis, a woman who doesn't want you, but only what you can give her, and you can't be with me, a woman who knows you better than anyone. In all our time together all I ever wanted was for you to open up to me, to unburden your tortured soul to me and you could stop hiding behind all of these fears and defenses...well, be careful what you wish for," she said with bitterness.
Todd moved away from her, his breathing audible. He did not want to have this conversation with her.
"You want too much, Delgado. I gave you what you wanted....now, everything is different."
"Nothing is different, Todd, only in your mind."
Todd began pacing again.
"How can you say that," he yelled, "everything is different! You know! You know what I am," he growled. "I don't want to look into your eyes again and see...that thing looking back at me." He gasped for air and bent his head, closing his eyes and speaking in a whisper,"I loved the way you use to look at me...it felt better than anything. Now, I lay awake every night wishing I had never told you...and now I can't change it. It's like Pandora's box."
Todd stared up at the sky, his voice dreamy.
"In school I remember reading this story about Orpheus and Eurydice. See, Orpheus fell in love with Eurydice and she became his wife. And everything was cool, they were totally happy until one day Eurydice stepped on a snake and died and went to Hades--Hell. Orpheus was lost without her and he traveled the world playing melancholy music on his lyre trying to forget her...but he couldn't. She was inside him and he knew in his soul he'd never be happy without her. So he decided to go to Hell and get her back. The Devil told Orpheus he could take Eurydice but there was only one condition, he couldn't look at her face, couldn't reveal himself to her until they had passed through the gates of hell, into the upperworld. As Orpheus walked slowly through the 7 circles of Hell, Eurydice followed quietly behind him. Finally, Orpheus saw the gates up ahead, and he became so filled with joy at the thought of having her back in his life, that he couldn't wait one more second of not looking into her beautiful eyes, of not revealing himself...and so...he turned around. He looked into her beautiful face and into her extraordinary eyes and for a brief moment they knew perfect happiness. As they moved closer to each other, their arms outstretched, Eurydice disappeared...right before his eyes. He'd lost her. He broke his bargain with the Devil not to look. He shouldn't have looked back. Orpheus was a fucking idiot."
Tea sighed and shook her head slowly in frustration remembering his note to her, "I can't look at you..."
"As I recall, Todd, Orpheus was later torn apart by harpies. Is that the punishment you're waiting for--will that be enough for you?"
Tea walked up to him, trying to look into his face but he kept it turned away from her. She was getting angrier and angrier at his complacent resignation.
"We're merely flies to the gods, Todd, they kill us for their sport? Ha? Well, life's not a Greek tragedy where our destinies are fated and controlled by some bored, shallow gods living on Mount Olympus. We control our own lives, our own destinies. What the hell happened to you, Todd? I'm looking at you but I don't even see the man I use to know, and not because your dark secrets changed you to me, but because you've become a coward, a pathetic weakling. I loved the Todd Manning who was courageous when he confided in me, the man who clawed his way out of hell and fought for everything he wanted like a lion, not who laid down like some sacrificial lamb and took Blair's crumbs, calling it a life!" Tea shouted.
Her words infuriated him because he knew them to be true. His nostrils flared with rage like some agitated bull ready to gore her with his brutality. He stepped away from her quickly, his hair whipping his face sharply as he turned with lightening speed, his fists clenched with fury. He took a hard swing at a stack of wooden crates that was piled nearby, grunting loudly at the point of contact as the wooden crates splintered and crashed all around them breaking the peaceful silence with a thunderous sound. Groaning with pain and holding his bruised hand, he stood there, taking long deep breaths in an effort to calm himself. No woman could incite him like her, and he was angry, but it felt so damn good to feel adrenaline pumping through his body again. He looked over at her, keeping his eyes on the blue of her dress and shook his head, a slow smile coming to his face.
"Are you trying to get me mad, Delgado."
"Yes. Anything is preferable to this zombie who bears a striking resemblance to the Todd Manning I used to know."
Todd shoved his hands in his pocket and walked back toward the railing, looking out toward the river again.
"I have no fight left in me, Tea," he said, looking into the depths of the dark water.
Tea felt intense pain at his defeated words. Confessing his father's brutalities had opened a lot of old wounds, but he needed that--a bloodletting to feel all those emotions, good and bad. But, there was something else and she suspected Blair had done quite a bit of damage to his self-esteem, much like his father had done. Peter Manning used rape to break Todd into submission, to exercise a control he thought he was losing when he saw Todd with Michelle. Todd's self-hatred festered inside him until he himself raped someone and confirmed his darkest fears--he was just like his father. Blair didn't know about the sexual abuse, but she knew enough about Todd's feelings of guilt and remorse, using his self-hatred against him in order to control him. And now she had another weapon to hold over his head--another child.
"You could get that fight back, Todd."
"Oh yeah, Delgado? How?"
She walked slowly up to him and placed her hand gently on his arm, turning him slowly to face her. His eyes were closed.
"Open you eyes and look at me, querido," she pleaded gently.
She was just inches away from him and Todd could smell her perfume, he could feel the warmth coming off her body. His body reacted to her closeness with a primal contraction and his need for her touch was staggering. He wanted to open his eyes, to look at her face and into the soul of her dark eyes but his face winced with the turmoil inside him--caught between a burning desire and a powerful restraint.
"Don't be afraid, Todd," she whispered,"open your eyes."
He came closer, leaning against her forehead for physical support--his legs weak with wanting her.
"I can't, Tea," he said, his lips quivering, just grazing hers.
Tea felt tears of disappointment rise in her eyes, but she did not pull away from him.
They stood there together on the dock in the misty moonlight. Her hand was on his arm, caressing it lightly while his hands remained in his pockets, afraid to venture out. Their foreheads were joined together and their warm, urgent breaths intermingled. They both needed this closeness, this connection. They were like recovering addicts, struggling to stay clean and sober, but the craving for one more fix, the need for one more high was too powerful to resist. They were junkies to an insidious need, the love that controlled them.
Tea pulled away from him and looked at his closed eyes and at his beautiful face, she longed to touch it, to kiss it. Her need for him was unbearable. She reached into her purse and removed something, laying it on the floor directly in front of him.
Todd felt her move away from him, and heard her footsteps disappear. When he finally opened his eyes she was gone...like Eurydice. He threw his head back, his face twisted in agony and let out a terrible cry.
"Tea," he called out.
Lowering his head, and sighing deeply, he noticed something on the wooden floor. He stepped forward and picked it up.
It was a key.
to be continued...
2001 Copyright by Trog
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