The Florencia Lozano Homepage - Fan Fiction
AFFLICTION
BY TROG |
CHAPTER
35 |
CHAPTER 35
As they drove along the freeway, Tea stared out the window, aware of the silence that had ensued since they had left Llanview. Todd’s eyes were fixed firmly on the road in front of them as they headed toward Windsor Lake to see Dr. Woolf. Tea noticed his knuckles...tight and white as he grasped the stick-shift nervously and, reaching over, placing her hand over his she caressed his fingers lightly as if to say “I’m here...it’s okay” and he turned to her and smiled briefly taking her hand in his before turning his attention back to the road.
Tea had spent the morning with Carlotta, and Todd had gone to check in at The Sun before visiting Starr and Jack at Dorian’s. From his mood Tea assumed he’d had another run-in with Blair about the divorce and it had not gone well. All he had said was that she was still unwilling to sign the divorce papers. Later Todd had visited Vicki who had not left her room since Ben’s funeral and had given control of the day-to-day running of The Banner to Kevin. Todd was dealing with so much she wondered how much more he could take.
“All the years I lived in Llanview I never realized Windsor Lake even existed,” said Tea as she watched the sun filter through the trees and glitter across the lake. “It’s quite lovely here.”
“Yeah...if you like trees and bushes...poison ivy...and ugly, hairy bugs. I prefer concrete...it’s simple...and strong...and safe. Concrete is impenetrable. Nothing can come crawling out of some dark hole to scare you and surprise you.”
“Well...I grew up in New York City...I’ve had enough concrete to last a lifetime. Sure it’s strong...but it’s also lifeless...and cold. A place like this...where you can take a walk after dinner...and hear the crickets singing at sunset...it seems kind of...wonderful...peaceful.”
Todd turned his Jaguar onto a private road that ran along the lake and continued for about a quarter mile until Tea saw a lovely, large colonial house set a short distance from the lake. The house was quite large... white with arched, gothic windows and extensive gardens divided by brick walkways and stone pathways that ran in different directions. There were all varieties of trees, trellises covered with ivy, arbors heavy with trailing plants and stone benches placed here and there. Cleary this was a place of healing, tended by a loving, curative hand.
“What a lovely house...perfectly situated,” said Tea, getting out of the car quickly and walking around the extensive grounds.
Todd watched her as she headed for the lake along a worn, stone path. Her hair hung long and loose and she wore a thin, white dress made of some flimsy fabric that became transparent in the afternoon sun with a long flowered scarf that flowed behind her, delicate and sheer as a moth’s wing. She looked spritely... faerie-like as he watched her...loving her like this...so free...so careless...so uncorrupted. This is what he had always wanted to give her...happiness.
Walking up behind her he slid his arms around her waist and pulled her to him, needing to feel her humanness, her earthly form against his body, as she leaned back loving the feel of his manly embrace standing on a small dock on the edge of the lake.
“You really like this place, Delgado?”
“I love this place. I’ve always dreamed of living in a house like this...”
Hearing footsteps behind them, they parted and turned around quickly to see Dr. Woolf walking down a path coming toward them.
He had stood by the window of his study, watching them drive up, but was surprised when he saw a woman getting out of the car and heading toward the lake. From the pages and pages of Todd’s writings he recognized Tea immediately...he had described her in tremendous detail...every inch of her...perfectly. Dr. Woolf walked up to them and extended his hand to Tea.
“Hello...I’m Hadrian Woolf.”
“I’m Tea Delgado. It’s a pleasure meeting you, doctor,” she said smiling radiantly and shaking his hand warmly. “I’m sorry...I didn’t mean to trespass without your permission but your home is just so beautiful...I’ve never seen such lovely gardens.”
“Thank you...these gardens are my pride and joy. Gardening is my avocation...my passion. The only thing that gives me more pleasure is to see someone appreciate their beauty as much as I do,” he said, smiling up into her shiny, dark eyes. “I’m specially proud of my roses...do like roses?”
“Oh yes...peach roses are my favorite.”
“Uh...you can let go of her hand, now, Wolfman...I think she‘s going to need it back,” said Todd, looking at Dr. Woolf with jealous annoyance.
“Well this is a surprise, Todd.”
“Yeah...well...Tea’s going to wait for me...that’s okay, right?”
“Certainly...shall we go in and get started?” he asked looking at Todd, as he started walking back toward the house.
“I’ll see you in a while, querido...I‘ll be waiting for you,” she said, touching his face before he turned and followed Dr. Woolf into the house.
As they walked into Dr. Woolf’s study, Todd walked over to the window to keep Tea in his line of vision. He heard him turning on the tape-recorder and sitting back in his chair as he picked up a piece of paper that laid on his desk and began reading aloud:
“Tea...she makes me smile inside. She has the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. In them I see...acceptance and forgiveness...freely given. Their beauty...their honesty...frighten me because they see so much...I’m afraid one day she’ll see what I really am...and she’ll leave me for good. I remember the first time we met...the way her eyes looked straight into mine...like...I was a human being...like I was her equal....like she respected me. Since I’d left prison people didn’t look at me...I mean they didn‘t see me, all they saw was a vicious rapist...a criminal...they avoided looking at me...but not Tea...she looked right into my eyes and shook my hand...and she never flinched...just took me at face value and made up her own mind. She just blew me away. I just couldn’t stop looking at her...needing to feel that connection with her...that feeling...that thing between us....I can’t explain it. But it feels so good...when she looks at me...when she smiles at me...when we laugh....and...when she touches me. I feel clean...free...when I‘m with her. I feel free. I barely recognize the man I am around her...but...I think that‘s who I would have been if it wasn’t for my father...and for all that other stuff I did.”
Dr. Woolf laid down the page from Todd’s bio and looked up at Todd who was still watching Tea.
“Tea’s very lovely, Todd...just as you described her. She has tremendous presence...much like you. Do you expect her to save you?”
Todd turned around and stared at him.
“No...that’s not what I want. I...just want...to be with her.”
“Tell me more about her?”
“NO! Tea’s mine...I don’t want to share her with you...or with anyone,” snapped Todd, almost harshly.
“Is that why you almost killed a man for touching her arm...because you didn’t want to share her? Or perhaps, you just didn’t trust her feelings for you.”
Todd lunged toward Dr. Woolf.
“HEY! THAT SON OF A BITCH WAS ALL OVER HER WHEN I WALKED INTO THAT BAR! You weren’t there! I wasn’t going to stand by and let him move in on her...let him....take her from me...okay?”
Dr. Woolf watched Todd, than rose out of his chair calmly. He walked around and peered out the window at Tea who was walking along the rows of neatly pruned rosebushes.
“You almost killed him, Todd...you lost control and beat him into unconsciousness and kept on hitting him long after he seized to be a threat. Why?”
Todd put his hand in his hair and shook his head slowly, closing his eyes.
“I...I don’t know. It just felt like...like he was a threat to me...like he was laughing at me, humiliating me...taking what was mine. You know...my old man wrecked every potentially happy moment I ever had when I was a kid...he took everything from me...”
“And this stranger, Todd...was it like with your father? When he took Michelle from you?”
Todd exploded.
“WHAT THE FUCK? HEY...I DIDN’T SAY MY FATHER TOOK MICHELLE AWAY FROM ME! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT?” shouted Todd. “ Michelle was just a girl I liked...that’s all.”
Dr. Woolf walked back over to his desk and sat down.
“You mentioned in your writings that your father drove Michelle away. How did he do that.”
Todd turned his back on Dr. Woolf, breathing with some difficulty.
“He...uh...he...just treated her...roughly...that’s all. She got scared and never came back to my house...or to school.”
“I don’t really understand, Todd. Why didn’t she come back to school?”
“THIS CONVERSATION IS POINTLESS! All I want is for you to help me...I don’t want to lose Tea, again! That’s all I want from you! What the hell is the point of dragging out the past...it doesn’t change anything! This is stupid!”
“Did your father hurt Michelle?”
Todd turned around and looked at him...at this calm, relentless little man who fired questions as precisely as Aaron Blackmoor shot bullets.
Todd’s eyes misted thinking about that day...when his father tied him to a chair and made him watch as he raped Michelle brutally and repeatedly...the sweet, virginal girl of his boyhood dreams. He closed his eyes, remembering her screams, her bruised and bloody body, her terror-filled eyes...like Marty’s had been years later. Todd buried his face in his hands, moaning softly with the anguish of these ugly memories.
“I don’t...want to talk about this...”
Dr. Woolf got up quickly and approached him, placing his hand on Todd’s shoulder, but Todd jumped at his touch as if it burned him and pushed him away violently, bracing himself against the wall like a cornered animal. Dr. Woolf returned to his chair, giving Todd some distance and shut off the tape-recorder.
“Did your father hurt Michelle?”
Todd looked away, nodding silently.
“Did he rape her?”
Todd looked up at him in despair.
“Yeah. He was my mentor...my greatest teacher,” whispered Todd, turning to the wall behind him, hiding his face.
Dr. Woolf got up and walked over to Todd, pulling him gently by the arm and sitting him down on the sofa. He waited as Todd took long, deep breaths and slowly became more relaxed. Getting up suddenly, Dr. Woolf walked behind his desk and pulled out a bottle of scotch and a couple of glasses. He poured out two measures and walked back to the sofa handing one to Todd. Todd stared up at the doctor, then down at the glass before taking it and swallowing it quickly.
“Does the AMA know you’re plying your patients with alcohol?” asked Todd.
Dr. Woolf laughed at his eccentric patients’ sarcastic wit.
“Only if you turn me in, Todd...”
Todd smiled a little.
“This is pointless...talking about this stuff doesn’t do any good. I already know my old man was a monster...and I already know that I’m not too different from him. I want to forget...that’s what I really want. Can you do that, Doc....can you hypnotize me and make me forget what my old man did...and what I did?”
Dr. Woolf shook his head and sipped his drink.
“No.”
Todd got up and walked over to the window, watching Tea as she sat on a bench, her face turned toward the sun with a dreamy and beautiful expression.
“How can I hold on to her if you can’t help me,” said Todd sadly. “I’ll mess things up...I always do.”
Dr. Woolf got up and walked over to Todd.
“Todd...every time you had a bit of love or happiness growing up...your father took it away from you...torturing and punishing you in response. Happiness became a conditional response that triggered...pain....suffering. Every time you allowed yourself some happiness...your mother, Michelle, sports....all the things that gave you any joy in life...they ended with the agony of your father‘s punishment. Years later, Todd...your still responding to the same stimulus...thinking love and happiness will lead to pain. And when it doesn’t happen you orchestrate events so that it will happen. All you really have to do is change the way you think.”
Todd stared at him, his brows furrowed as he pondered his words.
“I ask you for help and you give me Pavlovian psycho-babble? I‘m not a salivating dog responding to a plate of raw meat...I‘M A MAN, DAMN IT! Give me something I can use...something that will help me...not this crap!”
Dr Woolf laughed.
“You’re smart enough to know that there’s no miracle cure for what you have, Todd. You’re father hurt you...and when you got old enough...you hurt back...unfortunately, you misplaced your rage and it lead you to hurt some innocent women, instead of the person you really wanted to punish, your father. And now...you can’t forgive yourself...or allow yourself to feel love...because then...that would mean you had forgiven yourself...and you can‘t seem to let that happen.”
“You’re making my head hurt with this crap. Alright...I‘ll play along with your little game, Wolfman. Say you‘re right....say my fears are just a...what did you call it...a conditional response. How do you explain raping Marty Saybrook...or hurting Tea...or throwing my own kid away...ha?”
“Raping Marty Saybrook was an eruption of years and years of the suppressed rage of a boy who had been systematically abused physically and emotionally, finally manifesting itself in the one act that would prove to him...his own worthlessness....and his fear that he was just like his father. It was the one act you knew you couldn’t forgive yourself for and...it would insure a life of self-flagellation...because, deep within yourself, you still blame yourself for what your father did to you...and to Michelle. Giving your child away...the child that you had convinced yourself stood as a grand impediment to your fantasy of having a family with Starr and Blair...was just that...an obstacle to your perceived happiness...one that you invariably got rid of. It was the most cowardly of all because you used a defenseless and innocent child...it shows a disturbing lack of conscience...an emotional regression, that I think even you’re aware of. I don’t think you would have taken a child from Tea the way you did from Blair...it shows me that subconsciously you not only wanted to get what you wanted...irregardless of the consequences...but, perhaps, you also wanted to hurt Blair...to punish her for her numerous betrayals. Again...the way you never got to punish your father and perhaps your mother for their betrayals. Hurting Tea years ago...I assume you’re referring to that punch that knocked her unconscious...is probably the one act that was most natural...if violence can ever be categorized as natural. You were exhausted, sleep-deprived and in a high state of paranoia...when she flung Marty’s rape in your face...you reacted with a violent physical response...you punched her. The difference was that this was not a pattern of behavior between you two...and that you felt immediate remorse...and sincere contrition. I find it interesting that in your writings you devote so much time apologizing for hurting Tea and how you felt afterwards...like with Marty...it showed a certain emotional growth and maturity...an awareness of wrong-doing. But what you did to Blair...and the lack of remorse for her grief...shows me that you think she deserved what she got on some level.”
“SHE DID DESERVE IT! SHE’S A LYING BITCH! SHE LIED TO ME ABOUT THE PATERNITY OF MY OWN KID FOR NINE MONTHS--EVEN AFTER I DELIVERED HIM MYSELF! WHAT KIND OF MOTHER DOES THAT TO HER KID! HA?,” yelled Todd from across the room, out of breath by this sudden burst of rage. “She doesn’t deserve to be a mother...”
“Do you think she deserved to have her child taken away and told it was dead?”
“Hey...do you know how long she mourned? About five seconds...until I put a ring on her finger and gave her a present of a substitute kid. And when she found out what I did...she pretended to be pissed off for about five minutes...then,” Todd walked over toward the Dr. Woolf’s desk with a look of complete astonishment on his face, “then....she just forgot about it...like it was nothing. To this fucking day...I can’t believe that she just continued on with our life...like it was just fucking normal...like what I did was normal...like what we do to each other is normal.”
Dr. Woolf watched Todd in his confusion, shaking his head and staring at the wall.
“You wanted her to react, Todd...is that it? That’s how you had set it up. She’d find out what you’d done and hate you...calling you a monster...and thereby confirming your own worthless... destroying your happiness...just like you’d planned subconsciously. If she had reacted with rage and disappointment...as most “normal” women would have...than you’d know that she...truly loved you...that she’d been devastated and disappointed in you because she had thought you were better than that...that you weren’t capable of that. Isn’t that it? Instead...however...she didn’t react because she didn’t expect any better from you...she does believe that you’re capable of what you did...and no better. This is when you began to realize that you were with someone who is probably incapable of deep and selfless love for anyone...perhaps even her own children. You were with a woman who believed the worst parts of you are all that you are...a woman who will never expect anything better from you than that.”
Todd nodded slowly.
“Blair truly sees me for what I am...she accepts me...I guess that’s why I keep going back to her...but...when I’m with Tea...I’m not that man...that’s not who I am.”
“One woman sees the best in you...and thereby...makes you better. The other only accepts the worst in you and that’s what you give her...and how you see yourself when you’re with her.”
“So...what...I keep going back to Blair to prove what a fucking bastard I am?” said Todd. “But...I don’t want Blair...I want Tea. She’s who I want to be with.”
“Why?”
Todd walked over to the window and watched her, sitting pensively...playing with the silk scarf around her neck.
“Because...I...don’t hurt so much when I’m with her. I don’t hate...myself so much when I’m with her. Tea, doesn‘t take my shit...she doesn’t forgive or forget the lousy things I’ve done...not like Blair...Tea let’s me know that my crap isn’t acceptable to her...but...she deals with it, you know? I can’t explain it...she makes me feel good about feeling bad. Does that make sense?”
“Because she’s proving her love for you...telling you that she knows...she believes...you’re capable of better by calling you on improper and unethical behavior. And deep down...that’s what you believe too.”
Todd stared at Dr. Woolf for a while then sat down in the chair opposite him.
“But...Tea forgave me too. I...told her everything. More than I’ve told anyone...even about Jack...and she forgave me. She still came back to me. After everything...she still...loves me.”
“Because obviously....Tea is a very smart woman. You told her about giving away your son because you wanted her anger...the anger you didn’t get from Blair. You needed someone to confirm what you already felt down deep inside...that you committed a monstrous act. Tea saw the heinousness of your act because she expected so much more from you and therefore her forgiveness held a lot of weight...that’s why you told her. Wanting forgiveness shows sincere remorse...and acknowledges wrong behavior. That’s probably the most mature thing you’ve done in the last few years...you should be proud of yourself for coming clean with Tea. I’m sure she saw that as well...that’s why she’s able to forgive you...she sees your sincere remorse when others don‘t.”
Todd sat back in his chair staring at the doctor intently as Dr. Woolf felt a change in the air. His patient brooded over the doctor’s observations quietly. Suddenly, an evil grin crossed his face as he got up and walked around Dr. Woolf’s desk, hovering above him menacingly.
“You think you’ve got me all figured out, Wolfman? You think I want forgiveness, do you? What if I’m just scamming you! How do you know that I’m not feigning remorse with Tea in order to hold on to her? I once beat thirteen kidnapping raps by faking a personality disorder! I’m a brilliant actor...I’m probably just fucking around with your head! How can you prove that my being here isn’t just a scheme to convince Tea that I’ve changed? I’ll do anything to have her. You know...I‘ll do whatever I have to to get what I want...I‘m capable of anything...rape...kidnapping...giving babies away...hell....even murder! What makes you so sure I‘m not scamming you,” Todd said quietly.
Dr. Woolf stared up at Todd, looked at his defiant, hazel eyes and pondered his challenging patient’s remarks. He was not unfamiliar with Todd Manning’s history, even before Todd offered up his biography, he‘d read about his propensity toward violence. Looking up into his Todd’s grinning face he saw a darkness beneath his handsome exterior...behind his mysterious eyes...a touch of evil struggling to escape, waiting for the opportunity to reveal itself.
“I’m an old man, Todd and a qualified doctor. I’m trusting my instincts in both of those credentials...and they tell me that you’d rather peel off your own skin with your teeth than talk to me about your past...and what happened with your father.”
Todd turned away quickly.
“You said your father tortured you....burned you, beat you, starved you...but you learned to deal with that...your threshold of pain increasing...comfortable pain. But that incident with Michelle changed things...tell me more about that day. I noticed a gap in your writings...a sort of break in your thought process at this point. What else happened?”
Todd stared at him then moved away, walking toward the door.
“I think I’ve had enough, Wolfman...that’s it. No more for today.”
“Did he hurt you...sexually?”
“ENOUGH!” shouted Todd as he disappeared through the doorway and ran down the hall, leaving Dr. Woolf alone, sitting quietly in his chair.
to be continued...
2002 Copyright by Trog
FanFiction Home
Home
