The Florencia Lozano Homepage - Fan Fiction
AFFLICTION
BY TROG |
CHAPTER
8 |
CHAPTER 8
Todd stumbled into the crowded bar at the Palace Hotel. He wanted a drink so badly, but he still felt the dull gnawing in his stomach even though he’d doubled the dosage of pills in his prescription.
“What can I get you, Mr. Manning,” said a bartender who recognized him.
“Give me a tall glass of milk with three rocks,” said Todd.
The bartender laughed but went ahead and gave Todd a tall glass of milk with three ice-cubes. Everyone in town was familiar with Todd Manning’s eccentricities and his infamous temper and he wasn’t about to question what he wanted.
Todd took a long swallow of his milk, and made a sour face at the taste while eyeing the bottle of Chivas Regal scotch on the mirrored, glass shelf before him, taunting him with its golden elixir. That’s really what he needed, a magic potion to make him forget the last few days and those vile and vicious lies he hurled at Tea with such malignity. Yes, he had hurt her deeply, brutally, but that had been his intention...now he found himself haunted by those lies. He needed to see her--to explain his cruel assault. After Tea witnessed that seemingly lovely moment with his family, she must have believed everything he,d said to her about his happiness with Blair, now he found he couldn’t go on without her knowing the truth.
That had always been the way with Tea, from their earliest meeting, this need to unburden himself to her, to be completely honest--it felt so good, better than anything. Her beautiful brown eyes had the power to understand and accept him like some dark and warm confessional where all his sins could be revealed and forgiven. He had told her everything about himself when he’d laid naked in her arms night after night, bearing his body and his soul with the same urgent abandon, with the same desperate need for revelation.
As Todd sat there he took another swallow of his milk and remembered there time together, allowing the memories he’d tried so hard to nullify to fill his weary brain. Making love to her was the real revelation, the months of losing himself inside of her. It was the first time he’d ever felt like a man, a lover...a true husband. He’d only fucked women before that--taking, but never giving--realizing he’d never understood that term before, “making love,” as he did now. When he touched her he wanted her to feel his love, he wanted his hands, his lips and his body to translate what his mind and voice could not, to transform his intangible words into palpable caresses, kisses, thrusts and embraces that would define his love for her. When he made love to her he wanted to sear his soul into hers with his fire, a strong, sweaty blacksmith pounding away to achieve amalgamation, fusion, oneness--forging his body to hers forever.
Their passion was a double-edged sword for him--wanting her more each time they made love, but coveting her more, as well, his deep-seeded fear of abandonment following them wherever they went. As the months passed and they grew closer, a fear took root inside him--the fear of being without her. Nightmares of her leaving him began to invade his sleep and they began to go out less frequently--he not wanting to share her with anyone. He feared the waiter who refilled their water glasses who happened to smile in her direction, or the stranger who brushed against her in the hotel lobby and excused himself politely to her. Every man in her vicinity became his enemy--a dangerous nemesis looking to take his lover away from him. That night in Boston, when that stranger had dared to touch her, a dark fear took possession of him and he lost control. He wrecked everything.
He had been foolish to think that all his demons had released him. There were still a few devils lurking in his dark soul and that night one escaped and inhabited him, laughing wildly with demented glee, taunting him, encouraging him to destroy his own happiness with Tea. Loving her had made him weak and careless, and in the end, he had lost her to his devils. Lost control. Lost everything.
What was left to him after that? He came home...to his daughter...to his past. Back to living with his fears, afraid to let down his guard again, being content with the familiar, the tried and true...only now...it wasn’t enough for him. He had tasted truth...the forbidden fruit of love...and this false Paradise that he had created for himself was making him whither and die from the inside. This sickness had manifested itself inside him and he could feel it festering, eating away at him. He wanted to feel love again...to taste love again...to make love again...to love Tea again.
Todd caught a glimpse of himself in the mirrored wall in front of himlooking like hell--thin, pale, unshaven. Aaron Blackmoor was an Adonis by comparison. Male perfection. The nurses at the hospital were all watching him...fantasizing about him, Todd thought. Why would Tea want him when she had Aaron Blackmoor? In many ways his fears had been right, if it hadn’t been that stranger in that bar in Boston, it would have been an Aaron Blackmoor that would woo her away from him, but in the end he would always lose her. He was sure of that. To love her and to lose her was the greatest torture his devils had devised for him, just allowing him a glimpse of happiness before plunging him back down into damnation. But his devils be damned, he still wanted her....
Todd put his hand to his belly, feeling the gentle gnawing warning him to stay away from her...his demons whispering to him. As he looked back up at the mirror he noticed Aaron Blackmoor’s tall, blond figure walking by, heading for the front door of the hotel. Getting up quickly, Todd followed him out and saw him getting into a taxi.
He rushed back inside, passed his bartender some cash and asked him to get Tea’s room number for him. In a few minutes the bartender returned and slipped him a piece of paper. Jumping off his stool he headed for the elevators.
**********
Tea and Aaron had not made love. She had told him she was menstruating and in his trust and love for her he had believed her and respected it. Sitting on the bed, she felt guilty and saddened having lied to him so blatantly. Lying did not come easy to her, it went against everything in her nature, yet, she had done it and she hated herself at this moment as a darkness seemed to invade her body like a black shadow afflicting her spirit.
She didn’t want to make love to him here--in this town. It seemed like some sort of betrayal to her soul. In her mind this place belonged to her and Todd--to their past--and, somehow, she wanted to be faithful to that even though he’d gone on with his life with Blair.
Getting up, she walked around her lonely room, aimlessly and lethargically, watching her reflection in the mirror and examining her face. She had never considered herself very pretty, though others told her she was, but having grown up among Ivy-league blonds she had developed a lot of insecurities. It was only in Todd’s eyes she had felt truly beautiful, validated by his love somehow. His words came back to her, “a poor, mousy substitute for Blair,” that’s what she had been. Such simple words and yet he knew how they would hurt her, tapping into her deep-seeded fears, her insecurities about her poverty and her pedigree, her jealousy of Blair and her own maternal guilt. Yes, he knew how to hurt her.
She watched her reflection carefully, her own harshest critic as women tended to be about their own images. Her small breasts, her plain, brown eyes and hair, her pale, olive skin, she had learned to make the best of them and over the years she had learned to love and embrace her own particular brand of exotic beauty and so had others. Aaron told her every day that she was beautiful and yet, it didn’t have the same legitimacy as when Todd used those words on her with his eyes. Perhaps, love defined beauty.
Todd would watch her for hours, his eyes devouring her naked image, after making love. His fingers and his eyes exploring her body inch by inch, touching and tasting every part of her, planting his flag at every new found location, claiming it as his own forever. It felt like that sometimes, like Todd had discovered her body and only he knew all the secret passageways to her soul.
Aaron was a wonderful lover and he certainly knew how to satisfy her, but it was different with him. She never experienced that same feeling of oneness, of completion that she’d felt with Todd. Often, after making love to her husband, she would lie there as he slept peacefully, listening to his breathing and she would cry softly, feeling guilty and empty and lonely. As much as he gave her, there was always something missing inside her and sometimes she felt like she would die from it--like some slow growing disease that was ravaging and disfiguring her --like a part of her was decaying and slowly fading away.
A sudden knock on the door alerted her and she rushed quickly to open it thinking Aaron had returned. When she swung the door open Todd was standing there.
“I don’t want to see you,” she said and slammed the door closed in his face.
Todd didn’t move. Taking a deep breath, he placed his hand on the door and knocked again, but there was no answer even though he felt her right behind the door.
Tea leaned her head against the door, feeling the vibration of the knocking as he continued to tap on the door every few seconds.
“Please, go away, Todd,” she said gently, hoping that he’d leave...praying that he’d stay.
He leaned his head against the outside of the door, his voice was trembling when he spoke.
“Please, Tea...I need to talk to you...I won’t stay long.”
Tea struggled with her reason. Nothing good would come of this and she should just let him drift away...out of her life...but the sound of his trembling voice, so full of contrition and remorse, always persuaded her to ignore her better judgment. She knew what he was there for, for confession and forgiveness, and she felt compelled to listen as if it was her calling--his high priestess giving him absolution. To forgive and be forgiven...it was their mutual addiction.
Todd closed his eyes dejectedly and pulled away from the door. As he started to walk away he heard the lock turn and saw the door opening slowly.
She stood there looking up at him, then, looking away, she stepped aside to let him in.
Entering her room, he made several observations which put his mind at ease. The bed was made up and she was still dressed, all in black, wearing the same clothing she’d had on at the hospital. She and her husband had not made love, he was sure of it and it gave him some strange sense of relief. The thought of her with someone else, even her own husband, still caused him the greatest pain, the pain of betrayal deep down inside him, just like when he had fucked Blair. It felt wrong.
When he turned to face her she was leaning against the door, holding the brass knob in her hand as if ready to run from him at any moment. Her stark, poignant beauty was defined sharply by the backdrop of the simple, white door, like some beautiful, x-ray, and for a few moments all he could do was stare at her, something he had not dared to do at the hospital. When his eyes found hers she held his gaze only for an instant before looking away at the floor--a small, but painful rejection.
“What do you want ,Todd?”
Suddenly he looked anxious, his eyes looking around, his hands hanging by his sides opening and closing nervously.
“I just wanted to say...to tell you...I’m sorry, Tea. All that stuff I said at the hospital yesterday...all that crap about Blair and my happy, happy family, all those ugly lies I said...about you...about us...they were lies. Everything I said was I a lie. Everything.”
Tea didn’t say anything she just watched him and her heart ached looking at him. His skin was pale, his eyes were hollow and bloodshot, his clothes were rumpled and wrinkled, and his hands were shaking as he spoke, like a man who was uncared for and unloved. She recognized the look of sleep deprivation that he’d suffered from when they first met and the ravages of a dark depression were apparent in his face.
“And this morning...when you passed by my room...and you saw us together...I thought...I thought maybe you’d believed all that junk I said...and I...uh...just wanted you to know that I lied.
“I know, Todd. I know they were lies,” she said, looking away from him. “But you came there to hurt me...that was no lie.”
He stared at her.
“That’s true...I wanted you to feel pain...like I did when you left me. You know me...I always have to get my revenge...you know how petty I am, Tea,” he said quietly.
She nodded slowly then walked into the room, keeping a careful distance from him as his eyes followed her around hungrily.
Silence. Tea played with the silky fringe of the pillows on the sofa as Todd shifted his wait from one foot to another.
“So....you’re happy?” he asked, looking at his feet.
More silence followed.
Tea looked down at her wedding ring and nodded.
“Yes...my husband is a wonderful man,” she said without looking at him.
When she said those words “my husband” an agonizing pain shot up through his body into his throat and he opened his mouth slightly, taking a deep breath to keep from choking on it. Her words confirmed her happiness but her eyes betrayed her words. There was something different about her eyes, they seemed dull and lacked the brilliancy that he remembered so vividly. He knew her eyes so well and they were filled with sadness.
Silence.
Todd noticed a bouquet of roses--red roses--on a desk with something sticking out from its center. Walking over to it and reaching in, he pulled out the object. It was a sterling silver baby rattle. He turned around quickly with the rattle in his hand, the tinny, shaking sound causing Tea to look in his direction.
“Are you pregnant?”
Tea walked over and took it out of his hand, placing it back in between the roses and walking away from him she stood by the window looking up at the crescent moon.
“No. But Aaron wants to have a baby right away. He wants a family....and so do I,” she said.
Todd stood there staring a her slender back, the side of her face bathed in soft moonlight. The pain in his abdomen becoming so profuse he placed his hand against it as if it was a bleeding wound and he could compress it to stop.
When Tea turned around, she noticed he had grown quite pale, slightly hunched over with his eyes closed and he was clutching his stomach in obvious pain.
“Todd...are you alright?” she said walking to him quickly. “Here, sit down. Vicki told me about your ulcer.”
Todd sat on the striped sofa at the foot of her bed.
“Vicki has a big mouth. I’m alright...it’s not serious...it’ll pass,” he said, resting his head against the back of the sofa and closing his eyes. Tea noticed the back of his hand was caked with dry blood and panic ran through her.
“Todd, what’s that,” she asked, pointing to his hand.
Todd looked down and noticed the place where he had ripped out his IV for the first time. It had bled considerably and the blood had dried causing the wound to look larger and more serious than it was.
“That? Oh...that was my IV thing...it’s not as bad as it looks.”
Tea rushed into the bathroom and returned with a wet face cloth and a bandage. She sat beside him and gently took his hand. Her touch exploded inside him as she cleaned his hand tenderly and placed the bandage over the puncture from the IV. Her closeness intoxicated him with a familiar delirium--her scent overwhelming him. As she placed the bandage across the back of his hand her hair brushed against his cheek and when she looked up there faces were only inches apart.
They were completely still, the powerful, magnetic pull between them drawing them closer to each other as their eyes locked. He lifted up his bandaged hand and touched her lips, feeling her warm breath against his fingertips as he leaned in to kiss her, but she pulled back quickly and walked back into the bathroom. His hand hovered in mid air, still in the act of touching her mouth, as he let it fall to his lap dejectedly.
Tea leaned over the sink and took a few deep breaths before reentering the bedroom. Todd was still sitting in the same place, looking at his hand.
“You need to take better care of yourself, Todd,” she said, keeping her distance from him.
“Who cares...”
“You have to care, Todd. You have responsibilities...you have two children who need you to stay healthy.”
Todd rose up, suddenly angered by her concern and cold politeness.
“WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME, TEA?” he shouted, coming closer to her.
“Because you almost killed a man for touching my hand, Todd! Then you paid him off...like a coward who couldn’t face the consequences of his own actions...just like all the times before! I couldn’t live with that man...and you know that! You destroyed us...in one, stupid moment of unwarranted jealousy!”
“I could have gone to prison...is that what you wanted!”
“I wouldn’t have let you go to prison...I’m a lawyer! I’m a damn good lawyer and I would never let that happen...but you didn’t trust me. It was the stupid DID thing all over again! You will never trust anyone...and I can’t live with that!” she yelled, as tears formed in her eyes.
“Tea...I just lost it...that’s all. I...I was afraid of losing you...” he whispered.
“I know that too...but it doesn’t change what you did. Your fears will always be stronger than your love and until you decide to do something about that...things will never change for you,” she said sadly.
“What...you want me to see a shrink? No fucking way...I don’t need to see a shrink!”
“I don’t know what you need...”
Todd walked up to her and took her face in hands, shaking desperately.
“Yes you do...you know what I need. You know what we both need...” he gasped, staring into her eyes and bending down to kiss her.
Tea pulled away from him and turned her back on him.
“You’re married to Blair...with two children. And I intend on staying married to my husband, Todd. I can’t help you. Not anymore.”
Todd walked up behind her.
“Are you in love with him?”
Tea’s face was flushed with anger when she turned to face him.
“YOU DON‘T HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASK ME THAT!” she yelled.
“YOU‘RE NOT, ARE YOU?” he shouted.
“Aaron is the kindest man I’ve ever known! He’s decent, and mature and responsible and completely honest with me! And he trusts me, Todd! He loves me. He treats me with tenderness and affection and respect. He loves me and I come first in his life. And Yes...I do love him.”
“LIAR! You’re lying, Tea! I know you...I know every part of you and I can see that you’re pretending...and it’s killing you inside! JUST LIKE IT‘S KILLING ME!” he shouted.
“You’re wrong!” she screamed, “I’m happy! I’m happy, damn you!”
Tea walked quickly to the door and opened it.
“GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE!” she shouted.
Todd headed angrily for the door but instead of walking through it, he slammed it shut and shoved her against it. Tea struggled against him, her body strong and rigid with anger, but he pushed his body forward with such force, it pinned her to the door. Grabbing her face in his hands, he put his mouth close to hers as her body wriggled and squirmed to push him away.
“I love you” he said before his mouth covered hers.
Tea continued to struggle but the moment the flesh of his lips touched hers, the moment she felt his warm, desperate tongue fighting its way into her open mouth, she fell limply against him, surrendering to his passion and melting into his kiss. Her arms came around his neck as she pulled him closer, her hands pulling on his hair to keep from falling as her control imploded and she succumbed to her love for him.
They kissed frantically...furiously until they were out of breath and their weakened legs gave way as they slid down the door to a sitting position on the floor--their mouths still connected, kissing wildly. Tea tried to pull away but he wouldn’t let go of her, his mouth sucking her tongue, her lips and finally her whole mouth, his hand behind her head locking her mouth against his, wanting more of her. She yielded to him, releasing her tired and imprisoned spirit and letting herself love him again. As the searing heat of their kisses traveled down the length of their bodies and their insides buzzed with a dangerous desire they finally fell apart, gasping for air.
“Querido...we can’t do this,” she whispered, putting her hand to his mouth to keep him from kissing her again. Todd leaned back against the door, closing his eyes and breathing hard.
Finally, he looked at her, a strange look in his eye.
“Let’s go away, Tea...right now. Just you and me...let’s go.”
“I have a husband...you have a wife and two children. Things are different now,” she whispered sadly.
He took her hand and kissed the palm tenderly, holding it against his face and closing his eyes.
“They don’t matter...nothing matters but us.”
“Todd...you don’t mean that.”
His eyes flipped open.
“Yes...I do mean that! Let’s go away, Tea.”
Tea pulled her hand away and stood up, shaking her head.
“Things have changed. We have other responsibilities now. We married other people.”
“FUCK THEM! All of them! Come on, Tea...let’s go,” he said standing up and reaching his hand out to her.
She stared at him, looking at his trembling hand recalling that time in Vicki’s cabin when she had taken it and they had run away, like illicit lovers.
“I can’t,” she said.
Todd lowered his hand and leaned his back against the door.
“So what...now we live like this?”
“These are the choices we made, Todd. We took vows, made promises.”
Todd stared at her.
“And what just happened between us...are we suppose to forget that too?” he asked.
Tea nodded her head.
“We shouldn’t have let that happen. And besides, I’ll be gone in a few weeks and you won’t have to see me again...I have no intention of coming back here.”
“And what am I suppose to do ...without you.”
Tea walked closer to him.
“You’re suppose to make your marriage work...and raise your children.”
“Make my marriage work? That’s a joke!” he said walking up to her. “Nothing works without you.”
“I’m married, Todd! You can’t just walk in and out of my life when its convenient for you!”
“YOU...LEFT... ME!” he shouted.
“AND YOU FUCKED BLAIR, GOT HER PREGNANT AND MARRIED HER!” she shouted back.
They barely heard the phone amidst their shouting, but it startled both of them into silence before Tea walked over to answer it.
“Hello?” said Tea into the phone. “Oh...I see...I’m sorry, Renee...it won’t happen again.”
Tea hung up the phone and turned to Todd.
“That was Renee at the front desk...apparently, our shouting is disturbing the couple next door.”
Todd looked over at her and they both started laughing. Tea wiped tears from her eyes as she sat down on the sofa still laughing. Todd came over and sat beside her.
“I wrecked everything, Tea! I wrecked us. Tell me...how do I fix it?”
“You can’t fix this Todd. Too much time has passed. Too much has happened. All we can do is make the best of our lives.”
“You don’t...love me anymore?” he asked her. Tea started to get up and walk away from him, but he followed her and turned her around. “LOOK AT ME! Tell me that you don’t love me anymore.”
Tea stared up at him, his tired, hazel eyes burrowing into hers. She tried to force the words out but in the end she just leaned her head against his chest and he held her.
“You need to go, Todd. And you need to let me go. We need to stay away from each other...I think it‘s best,” she said, pulling away from him and walking toward the door, holding it open and waiting for him to leave.
Slowly he walked through the door but turned to her before walking away.
“The biggest lie I told you was about your eyes...about them being plain and ordinary,” he said, touching her face tenderly. “They’re the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen in my life.”
Tea smiled up at him sadly before he turned his back and started walking down the hall. As he got close to the door of Tea’s neighbor he suddenly stopped and pounded on the door. A middle-aged, bald man came to the door in pajamas looking confused.
“Next time two people are trying to have a private conversation mind your own fucking business, blabber mouth,” said Todd before walking away.
Todd smiled, listening to Tea’s laughter behind him, ingesting it, letting it heal him as he turned the corner.
to be continued...
2001 Copyright by Trog
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