My television has been on for the past five hours, bringing the time just past 3:30 in the morning. I want to get up and release some of this excess energy; having a roommate precludes me from doing anything that could possibly. I think a mug of tea might be just the thing I need, so I decide to make a cup.
"Oh my god, you nearly gave me a heart attack!" I exclaim, putting my hand over my heart.
"You scared me too, you know," Rachel says, holding her chest as well.
"What are you doing up?"
"Couldn't sleep. You?"
"Same. Why are you lurking around in the dark? Keep it up, and I'm going to have to start calling you the Princess of Darkness."
"Speaking of the Mister of the Dark, he called." She's waiting for some sort of reaction from me, but I don't give her the satisfaction. I attempt to act nonchalant, even though my stomach is doing some sort of dance.
"When?"
She shrugs her shoulders and answers, "I don't know, maybe an hour ago. You know, when a man calls this late, it's nothing but a booty call."
I smile and reply, "you'd know all about those. And why didn't hear the phone ring?"
"I was on the other line."
Judging from her quick answer, she was talking to Jared. I would love to know the nature of their relationship, but I didn't dare ask. Something told me, things weren't as "deep" as they appeared. Rachel loves men, loves dating them and being around them, so he could be another one of her temporary companions. "I'm gonna make some tea. Want some?"
"Yeah." She follows me into the kitchen, taking careful note of where everything is stored. "I didn't know you still talked to him."
"Who, him?"
"Todd."
"We don't really talk." She raises her eyebrow, giving me that look. "Relax. We don't do that either."
"So, are you going to let my imagination run wild, or are you going to tell me what's up with the two of you?"
We both know how wild her imagination can run if left to her own devices. She would have us engaging in S&M in no time. "I ran into him in Llanview and-"
She cut me off. "Now he's trying to get back?"
"Not really."
She gets up and starts fixing her tea. "Guess you're not going to tell me."
"Well, it's just complicated, that's all."
"Always has been with the two of you." She starts to leave the kitchen, and then turns around. "Answer me this."
Uh, oh, I think. "What?"
"Did you at least get to sleep with him?"
How did I know that was coming? The thought of making love to him, once he had rid himself of his inhibitions, is a beautiful remembrance. I try to stop it, but a huge grin appears across my face.
"Never mind, there's my answer."
"G'night, Ms. Gannon."
"Nite, roomie."
Just like that, she's gone. I might as well forget about sleep tonight, it simply isn't going to happen. No, she mentioned the "T" word, which means, my every thought for the next several hours will be about him.
*****
"Tea, will you hurry up?! If you wanna drag me on this stupid tour thing, you better come on."
"Relax, Todd."
"I don't do relaxation."
We both know that's a lie, considering what transpired last night. I can't describe what it was like making love to him for the first time. I'm not sure what I expected; I knew it would be good, but it was more than that. It was the merging of our souls and I feel like there is no beginning or ending of me; we are one.
Me feet have still had not hit the ground from our night of passion. I was still so tired from our night together, but all I wanted to do was repeat it. I awakened alone in our bed, the shower was running and I relaxed just knowing fear didn't chase him away.
Now, we're on our way to visit an old plantation. It's something I've always wanted to do as a reminder of how far we have come, and how much further we still had to go. It's also something Todd can't understand when I tried to explain it, not that I'd expect him to. He sees it as a day wasted; we could still be in bed making love. I agree with the making love part and promise to make it up to him several times once we make it back.
"I'm just goin' along for the ride," he said with a wicked smile on his face.
I come out of the bathroom looking as carefree as I ever have and feeling the same way. My hair, still wet, is pinned to the top of my head and I have only a light shade of lipstick to add a little color to my lips. My jeans, while not too snug, fit my form and I chose a slight mid-riff baring black shirt to complete my ensemble.
"Ready?" I ask, grabbing our room key from the dresser.
"Am I ready? You're the one walking around half dressed."
I laugh at him, kiss him on the lips and say, "let's go, you nut."
We barely made it back to our room before our desire takes over. I admit I am the one who initiated it, just to see how far he would let me go. He doesn't stop me, to my surprise. Before I know it, he relinquishes all control to me, letting my body cover his and dictate the pace.
*****
Sunlight pouring through the kitchen window awakens me. I am slightly disoriented; I really did not want to wake up from this dream. "God," I mutter, stretching my tense body.
Rachel is apparently still sleeping; I wish I could say the same. No, my day has to get started, first a return call to Todd, then a trip to the office. I just hope this conversation won't go as badly as the last; I don't think I can handle hearing her in the background and knowing I'm the one who should be warming his bed.
I want to talk to him, too badly. There's something about his voice that's like a calming force in my life. Maybe "calm" is the wrong word, considering the amount of chaos he generates; I don't know what it is, but something about it feels so good.
I decide to call his office; I won't have to deal with her if I take that route. I dial the number at record speed, barely feeling the numbers beneath my fingers. The phone rings just once before he pounced.
"What do you want?"
"You have impeccable phone manners."
"When are you takin' those other tests?"
I swear, sometimes I think he knows more about my life than I. "How did you know?"
"I have to find out some way since you don't tell me anything."
"I'm taking them as soon as I can."
"Do you-"
"Do I what?" I asked.
He doesn't say anything for a long time and then, "need me to come there?"
Sometimes, he is too confusing for words. I have to remind myself that he's married and simply not available to me anymore. He has another family for God's sake and that family does not include me. "You belong with your family."
"That's not what I asked."
"Thank you for asking but I'll be fine."
There was no sound from either of us. In some ways, silence is the best thing for us; we won't hurt each other that way. It's so much better than the screaming matches we were so good at.
"I was thinkin' about…I don't know…maybe coming to visit you."
That's not something I expected to hear from him; not after the way I hurt him. I wonder if he's forgiven me, or if he's methodically working some master plan to hurt me right back. That's the way his mind works, keep your enemies closer. If it's true, then Blair had better watch her back. Then again, that bitch deserves everything she gets, and so does Todd for that matter. God, I'm so confused; my emotions are all over the place. Why am I so angry with him? For once, he's acting like he cares.
"Delgado?"
"What?"
"What do you think?"
"I think it's a bad idea; you're married and I'm living with someone."
Another long silence; he's breathing raggedly on the other end. I wish I could channel myself to where he is and wrap my arms around him, but that would be untrue to his relationship and to myself. I opened up a can of worms, so I braced myself for his wrath. It didn't come.
I double over from the force with which the knife was thrust and twisted into my stomach. I did this to him; I did this to myself. "I'm gonna go, okay?"
"Yeah, fine." Almost as an afterthought he adds, "Call me after the tests."
"Okay. Bye."
"Bye, Delgado."
I listen to the dead air long after he'd hung up. I miss him so much, and this contact we're having is so dangerous for me. So dangerous, because I need him so desperately and that need terrifies me.
