What the hell is going on? I bolt upright, unable to move my leg. A pain shoots all through me, from my leg, up my spine and it's now resting in my neck. I hate it when I have these pains; they put me out of commission for awhile. I need to work; I need to do something to feel like I'm worth something.
I can't do anything, other than lie here and cry to myself. I am paralyzed, in a sense. I glance at the empty space next to me and I wish like hell I didn't have to go through this all alone. It seems even crueler for me to be here, scared and alone, not knowing what the hell is going on with my body.
This is what I know:
My cholesterol is good. Heart rate is normal. Blood pressure is fine. Glucose is normal. I'm thin for my age and height, but there's nothing wrong with that. I have low body fat. In short, everything is where it should be or below. So, what the hell is wrong with me?
I have to remind myself to breathe because I noticed that I sometimes stop. The pain in my body takes everything out of me. Thank God I haven't had one of these things in public.
Think Tea, think. I'm trying to leave my body, the way Todd did when he was a child. Anything, I'll do anything to just get rid of this.
*****
It's light out now and I've only slept three hours. It's going to be a cranky day and I have to meet with four clients. I feel like I'm trapped in some movie, existing in a surreal world, watching myself as I try to lead a normal life.
The light on my answering machine is still blinking; I forgot to check the messages from last night. I check the time, realizing that there's time to sit and relax. I sit at my desk, press the button and listen to the familiar voices fill the air.
"Tea, it's Miriam, I found this fine ass man for you. Give me a buzz, okay? Later."
"Tea, it's me, call." I shake my head, quick and to the point, that's Todd.
"Tea, it's me, pick up the damn phone."
"Tea, girl, it's Rachel. Just wanna see how you're doing. Give me a call later. Bye."
I erase all my messages, check my appearance one more time and head to the office.
*****
"Morning, Jazz."
She waves at me, not missing a beat with the bopping of her head. "Your messages are right there," she says, pointing to the corner of her desk.
"Thanks," reply.
My desk resembles my life, I think; neatly ordered to the naked eye, but chaotic if you dare attempt to wade through the mess. I don't know where to begin because honestly, there's too much here. I don't want to be here and in another hour, I have a client coming in.
I've got to pull it together; I've got to get at least one part of my life back on track. All of this shit, from Todd, to my body, it's all taking an emotional toll on me. I half expect to have a complete breakdown; in fact, I can almost feel it happening.
"Dr. Morgan's on line one."
"Oh, thanks, I'll take it." I take a deep breath before answering, attempting to prepare myself for the worst. "Hello, Dr. Morgan."
"Hello, Tea. Listen, I'm going to get right down to it. We've found nothing so far. So, I'd like to go ahead and schedule an MRI and see what that turns up."
"Okay. I'd like to do it as soon as possible."
*****
My days are all beginning to run together; there is nothing to break the monotony. It almost makes me miss Llanview; at least there was some excitement in my life. I think one of the things I miss most is having friends. I have a couple here, oh, and speaking of friends, I should call Rachel.
Shit, then there's Jared to contend with. He's something else entirely. Jared and I go way back; our bitterness reaches just as far. People talk about how bad Todd is, but at least he's not a hypocrite about it. He's an asshole and doesn't pretend to be anything else. Jared is much more dangerous, snake cloaked in Armani; the kind of man that can literally get away with murder.
I know I should tell Rachel all about him, but I don't think she would believe me. I know all too well how easy it is to be sucked into your lover's lies, no matter how absurd they might sound.
It's close to seven and I'm still working. Well, the day hasn't been all about work; I've been daydreaming quite a bit. I should call Rachel because, at this rate, I'm going to die of boredom.
She called me before I had a chance to call her. "Now you're not returning my calls?"
"I know this is going to sound like such a cliché, but I was just thinking about you."
"Yeah, right."
"I was. So, what's up?"
"I wanted to run something by you. Are you free tonight?"
"When am I not free?" I ask, sarcastically. Okay, maybe I should've taken a different tone because it's not her fault that I have no social life. "Sorry."
"Honey, I have a feeling that somebody needs some."
"More then 'some.'"
"So, let's have a girl's night in. Your place, say, in an hour?"
"Yeah, sure, fine."
*****
An hour later, she is waiting in the hall with grocery bags. I know she doesn't think we were going to do some female bonding over a meal we cooked? It's been so long since I've even turned on my stove, I think I've forgotten how.
"Don't look at me like that. I know the drill, real New Yorkers order in."
"That's right, so what are the bags for."
"Chocolate chip cookies."
I can't get the door open fast enough. Cookies are my biggest weakness, next to Todd that is. This must be serious; she's trying to butter me up. I drop my briefcase on my desk while she unloads the bags on the kitchen counter.
"What are you up to, Rachel Gannon?"
She gives me that wide-eyed and innocent "who me" look. It works on her father, but not on me. After all, I am a woman; I know all the tricks of the trade. "You have a nice place here."
"Thanks, now answer my question."
"I'm up to making cookies."
"Yeah, right. That's okay, I'm patient person. There's hand soap in the bathroom," I say, disappearing to wash my own grimy hands.
A little while later, we are pigging out over cookies, milk and "chick flicks." I can see her trying to be slick, watching me out the corner of her eye. "Okay, Ms. Gannon, spill it."
"How would you like a roomie, roomie?"
Shit, that's not what I expected. I loved it when we lived together, and I would probably love it again, but I can't take having to deal with that son of a bitch on a regular basis. My mouth must've dropped to the ground because she was looking at me like I said something out of line.
She fidgets uncomfortably; I can only imagine how my silence is making her feel. "It's okay; it was a bad idea anyway."
"No, now wait; I was just taken off guard, that's all."
"You don't-"
"Wait, I didn't say no, I'm not even thinking it." I take a deep breath; honestly, the only thing that's holding me back is Jared. "I'd love to have you as a roommate again, you know that-"
"But."
"But…okay…here's the deal. I'm a little concerned about Jared; he and I don't get along."
"Why is that, by the way?"
"I don't really want to talk about it, but let's just say there's no love lost between us-"
"So, the condition is, you don't want him here under any circumstances for reasons you refuse to talk about?"
Now she's angry and I'm getting there. He's going to come between us and ruin this friendship; I can feel it in my bones. I can't let that happen, but wait, my husband almost went…you know what? I'm not going there…water under the bridge. "I'd be happy to have you as a roommate again. And you know what? We're all adults; we can deal with this Jared thing."
Her face lights up and the cheesiest grin forms across her lips. "Are you sure?"
"Yes. So, are you going to tell me why you're moving here?"
"I want to start over."
"Ah, seduced by the city, I see?"
"Among other things, yes." She leans over and hugs me, "thanks Tea."
"You're welcome." Everything in me is screaming to not go down this road, but I am deaf to it. My life would never be the same.
