Abuela used to say to me all the time, "Teita, you are drawn to darkness. Those dark men you like, they cause you nothing but pain. You'll see. You'll see. But as much pain as they cause you, they will give you just as much pleasure."
Of all the lessons she's taught me, that's the one that I hold closest to my broken heart. I have a history of going for the so-called bad boys, but it wasn't until I crossed paths with Todd Manning, that I truly understood the meaning of my grandmother's words. It's been almost six years since I first walked into Todd's office, arrogant as usual, sizing him up from the first moment our eyes met.
I felt something in his office that day, something with a soul; something I'd never felt before and I would never feel again. I can't really explain it, other than to say there was electricity flowing between us, although I was too cocky and he was too…he was just Todd; neither one of us would admit the energy in the air. I guess you could say a part of me came alive that day, just as the calm, reasonable, rational part of me died.
Sometimes, I sit in my comfortable, Fifth Avenue office, tilting backwards in my thousand dollar leather chair, looking down at the scrambling pedestrians, and think about how that man, Todd Manning, breathed life into my lifeless soul. I think back to how far my love for him took me and how far my heart has fallen since. I know I will never truly be happy again; I accept that as my fate and despite all the pain and suffering, I'm blessed to have known and loved him.
Todd Manning is the most complicated, infuriating, angry, loving man I have ever known. He's sexy in the most shallowly, obvious, physical way. But it's what comes from the inside, that beautiful, loving, tortured soul that kept me running back against my better judgment. He had me, every part of me, yet it wasn't enough.
That's why I'm here now, hundreds of miles away from him, working and thinking well past business hours. It's not like I'm in a rush or anything; I haven't had a life since I had to leave him almost two years ago. Ever since then, the only constants in my world have been work and my love for him. Ultimately and ironically, it's love that forced me to walk out of his life on that stormy May night.
*****
"What the hell do you expect me to do?" Todd screamed at me.
I have never seen him so angry and so out of control in all the years we'd been together. Never one to let another person get the last word, I screamed right back at him, "Todd, I LOVE you! I don't know how many more ways I can prove it to you. Dammit, I'm sick and tired of expending so much energy trying to make you believe that."
"You have a fine way of showing it," he said more softly. He fell into our black leather sofa, dramatically draping his arms over the back. "Why do you do this to me, Tea?"
I shook my head at him in exasperation, burying my head into my hands as I sat next to him. "I can't live like this," I said, looking up and trying to get him to look at me.
"I'm trying, Tea. I'm trying so damned hard but I can't take the way those guys look at you."
"Do you trust me?" I asked, already knowing the answer. He would never trust me, and that would always be the main obstacle between us.
"I'm trying."
"It's a yes or no question."
"No, all right? I've never trusted anyone in my life."
I got up then, wanting to put as much physical distance as I could between us. I stood in front of the fireplace, my back turned to him, watching the firelight dance. I always thought I was the fire in our relationship, and Todd, he was my oxygen. He kept me going and it was at that moment I realized, maybe I had been wrong all the time. Maybe he was the fire, sucking the oxygen from my body. I was dying.
Without a word, my body started moving toward the stairs. I could hear him saying something to me, but, for the moment, I had gone deaf. It wasn't until I stepped into our bedroom, that I regained my senses and once again heard his voice.
"I love you," he said, "I love you and…and I'm sorry. Tea, I know I'm not good enough for you, everybody knows that and I just wait for you to see that too, you know?"
"You are everything to me. I don't know how many times I have to tell you, Todd, that you're the only man I ever want to be with." I said it in such a way that both of us were struck mute. We let the words hang in the air. I sat down on the bed, watching Todd for a reaction, mentally packing because I knew I could not spend one more day exhausting myself, trying to get him to believe.
Todd sat next to me on our bed, and he just watched me for a long time. He slowly lifted his hand to my cheek, caressing it, almost like a blind person, memorizing my facial structure. I leaned into him, willing his hand to become a part of my face. He invaded my space; I didn't have to meet him halfway, he came to me and touched his lips to mine. He had never kissed me like that before, it was a combination of hunger, fear and all the love he felt but couldn't express.
We couldn't get enough of each other, touching and memorizing and caressing until our passion was too much. We didn't even think about protection when he slid into me. The closeness, we needed the closeness to last an eternity. It wasn't our first time making love, but it had never been like that. We were trying to merge our souls so when it was all over, each of us would have a piece of the other.
I lay in his arms, staring out the window. The rain pelted incessantly against the shutters of our old, country home, the one he bought because my eyes lit up when I saw it. I didn't want to leave, God I didn't want to, but necessity dictated it.
Todd's body is scarred with many marks, and while he slept, I gently traced each and every one of them with the tip of my finger. I wanted to remember him, the wounded man, the abused child; I wanted to carry his essence with me. I kissed him lightly on the lips and smiled when he "smacked" as we touched.
I slipped out of our bed as quietly as possible and sat in an armchair that Todd once called "a big waste of dough." It came in handy as I watched the love of my life sleeping so peacefully. It only took a few seconds of watching him before I felt the tears dripping from my chin.
It was all over.
I left that night in the pouring rain. I took nothing with me, other than a few pictures that someone managed to capture of Todd and me together. I missed him even before I slammed the door to the taxi. Countless times I wanted to scream to the driver, "NO! TURN AROUND! I MADE A MISTAKE! I FORGOT SOMETHING!" Instead, I sank deeper into the backseat, crying until my face stung.
*****
It's so late; I know I should be home. The briefs I was preparing could wait a day or two. The case studies I'd been reading were truly lost on me, as my mind could not function at this late hour.
I thought of calling Abuela and crying on her welcoming shoulder as I'd done so often. I think she was used to hearing my quaking voice as I talked of my love. Not tonight, though. It's late and I am so tired. So very tired.
I unplugged my laptop and threw a ton of paperwork into my briefcase. Looked around for a minute or two, taking inventory of everything I'd accomplished. It didn't mean very much anymore. Accumulation was not what life was about.
What was it that they said in the movie, "Moulin Rouge?" Something about the greatest thing you'd ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. I think that's how it went. I learned to love all right, and that lesson is tearing me apart.
*****
It's morning now and I stretch my arms high above my head, working out the kinks that knotted my body. Todd used to take that opportunity to climb onto my body; I think he liked the feel of my bare breasts against his chest. We made love in the morning, afternoon, night. We made love all the time, everywhere, once we took our relationship to that level.
I'm pathetic, sitting here, thinking about a man who hasn't been part of my life in almost two years. I punched my pillow in frustration, punched it until I had no more energy. The anger turned to tears; my body collapsed in a fit of sobs. And this was the beginning of a new day.
