Roseanne was one of those people who needed others to validate every part of her and every decision she made. Life, it seemed, had turned into a series of decisions she had to be the one to make. Starting with having her baby and continuing with leaving Christian, going back to him and losing him again. It also seemed like every decision she made was the wrong one. Tragedy hung over her like a low, dark cumulus nimbus.
This was the part of growing up that she never had to deal with. Everything was up to someone else, her life, in essence, was someone else's. While she loathed it in the past, or at least thought she did, someone making decisions for her would have been a welcome change.
She didn't really know who she was anymore, maybe she never did. She thought she did with her low cut tops and tight pants, she thought she was a sex symbol, the Hispanic Marilyn Monroe without all of the assets. Lately, she learned that the Monroe thing was nothing but an image, who she wanted to project, but the real Roseanne was someone more complex.
Without Tea around, she was more lost than ever. She had no one to help define who she was. No man around to tell her she was beautiful and when she looked in the mirror, she didn't see a trace of the gorgeous girl that everyone used to say she was. She was in a sort of state of perpetual blue, could have probably made a pretty good bluesy song from her mood.
Del said something to her before he left her and went back to his hotel centuries ago, it seemed. Said for her to not get "sucked into that black hole of so-called love that Tea was to be destined to sink into." At the time, she didn't really know what he meant. From her vantage point, where Tea "lived" was much more desirable than the so-called life she reluctantly called her own.
There were too many judges; too many juries, too many damn people walking around looking as sad as could be. Kind of like the image that reflected back at her when she looked in the mirror. Kinda, but not quite. Where they were was a little better than the cell that currently held her captive.
She had all this time on her hands with no idea of what to do. All this time when she couldn't find Tea and needed to talk to her doctor but she wasn't around either. All this time where she could flip through Tea's tired and depressing cd collection, filled with singers who were in a state of constant mourning. All of this time…ticking away.
There was guilt in her heart; actually, it overflowed. She thought about Carlotta and everything she didn't say. Thought about Carlotta and how good she had been to her. Carlotta, loving her like she would a daughter. Carlotta's heart breaking when she saw her hooked up to all those damn machines and her face when she told her that they lost the baby. Lost. The doctors said 'lost" as if it somehow lessened the pain, like it was less harsh as death, died, kicked the bucket, keeled over…died.
She hadn't talked to her since she left Llanview. Well, ran away from Llanview would be a more accurate description. Carlotta said to her once that she couldn't love her more if she had given birth to her. She didn't know what made that thought cross her mind but it did and caused a smile to cross her face.
Without much thought, she picked up the phone and called the diner. The phone rang several times before anyone answered and when someone did pick up, she was relieved it was Antonio's voice on the other end.
"Diner."
"Antonio."
"Sorry, I can't hear you."
She cleared her throat and spoke a little louder. "Antonio, it's me."
"Roseanne?"
"Yeah. Is Carlotta around?"
"What?"
"Is Carlotta around?" she yelled a little louder, her soft voice drowned out by the sounds of the busy sounds of the lunch rush. The phone landed on the counter with a soft thud and a few seconds passed before she heard the faintest of whispers. She couldn't make out the words; only imagine what was being said on the other end about her.
"Roseanne? Mija, how are you? We've been so worried," Carlotta said with genuine concern in her voice. The background noise became more distant as she moved away from the anxious crowd and into a room in the back.
"I'm, you know," she began, unable to go any further as she crumbled beneath a flood of tears. No matter how hard she tried, she could not stop them from continuing to drip from her face. She didn't really know why she was crying, only that she couldn't stop.
"Oh, mija, mija, talk to me. It's okay, we love you so much and I'm so sorry for everything you had to go through. Why don't you please come home to us?"
Home? She wasn't even sure she had a home. She had "places" or residences where her body resided, but nothing close to having a home. Tea's place wasn't bad, she felt safe there but she also felt so alone. Tea wasn't around much, not anymore and disasters seemed to keep happening.
"Roseanne? Talk to me honey."
All at once, words tumbled off her tongue, seemingly beyond her control. "I don't know what's wrong with me. Every time I think I'm doing fine, something else happens. Why can't I ever get it right? I've got a storm cloud over me and it won't go away. And I hurt much. I wasn't ready to be a mom but nature did whatever it had to do and I was going to be one. And then nature took it away from me. And I loved Christian so much and he did what he did to me and now we're over. I can't do anything right. Now, I'm out here and Tea's not around much. I'm so alone and I don't want to be alone like this," she cried, barely taking time to breathe. There was no time to breathe, her situation was urgent and she was being sucked into this black hole of nothingness.
Carlotta closed her eyes and listened to the pain in her voice. Where had she heard that kind of pain before? It was in the voice of Rosa, the night she killed herself. That was the night when she called in so much pain, crying, crying like it was the end of the world and it was the end of her world, but Carlotta had no idea. She thought it was just another time, another fight, another night where they would reconcile in the bedroom. But it wasn't like any other night. It was the end of her world and her heart sunk to the tips of her toenails with the horrible thought that history might indeed be getting ready to repeat itself. Where were her words of comfort? Where were her maternal instincts as she listened to Roseanne struggling and failing to hold it together on the other end?
"Tea said I'd get over it, or move past it, or whatever and some days, I believe that. Most days, like today, I don't feel so good and I don't know how to make the pain stop."
"Mija, mija, I want you to stop talking like this. It's going to be okay. Where is Tea now?"
"I don't know," she sniffled. "Probably with Todd, I guess."
"Todd?"
"Yeah. I don't see her much these days."
That news came as a shock to Carlotta, seeing as how the last time she spoke to Tea about him, she said she never wanted to see him again. Of course, at the time, she knew Tea's reaction would be completely different if they did happen to run into each other. See, they had something different and she knew that. She also knew that man had a hold on Tea like no other. Her girl, that's what she referred to Tea as, had gone from being this strong, independent woman to something else, a woman in love, a woman who was no longer in control of her emotions. That was scary and as hard as it was to admit, she saw similar signs in Roseanne. Granted, it wasn't as severe as what she saw in Tea, but it was the beginning stages of getting lost in someone. This wasn't about Tea though, and she had to remember that, it was about Roseanne. "I want you to forget about our differences and come back to me. I love you like my own daughter…and…and…I was wrong for treating you the way I did…after…you know."
"It's not that," Roseanne cried, "Carlotta, I don't know what's wrong with me. A part of me, a living, breathing part died and I can't go on from there. I thought I was doing fine and then, I don't know, something happened and I'm not…fine."
"Mija, you're so precious and you'll move past it. I promise you."
"What about Christian?"
"Roseanne, before you started dating my son, we were good friends, more than that really. I swore that no matter what happened, you would always hold a special place in my heart. You are hurting, amiga, and I hate to see such suffering in someone I love. Christian is not completely without blame and I have spoken to him about it. We need to mend this thing between all of us and the only way we can do that is for you to come home. I have forgiven you for your part in this, now please forgive me for abandoning you."
"There's nothing to be forgiven."
"Oh yes there is and there are plenty of things that need to be said. Come home Roseanne."
"I can't just leave."
"Tea will be fine and so will you."
"I'll think about it, okay? Thank you, Carlotta."
***** Roseanne's afternoon was spent much like every afternoon for the past few days. She sat around and did nothing but think about the people in her life and the people that left her life. Seemed that everyone left her, and the worst part was, somewhere along the way, she left herself. Got right up and checked out of her life, settling for the familiar place of self-pity.
The couch had grown used to her weight, bending to fit her body. She started watching television, something she hadn't done much of in the past. There was nothing else for her, other than the remote and food when her stomach decided not to reject it. It was a pretty pathetic existence but it was all she had.
Where was Tea? That was the question she'd been asking herself ever since her father barged into their lives. No matter how hard she tried to shake the image of Tea's tears out of her head and her cries, the memories were still there. They had the common bond of losing an unborn child and now the common bond of losing a family member. And while she was sitting around, eating and flipping channels, Tea was getting on with her life.
She tried to settle her mind enough to take an afternoon nap. It never worked though, every time she closed her eyes, she saw her father and heard his voice. She shook her head in disbelief at her gullibility and her belief that he was the end all, be all. There was no reason for her to not see what he was all about, but she didn't see it and the signs that were there, went ignored by her loving eyes.
She reclined on the couch, letting her head sort of fall over the edge of the armrest. It had been a long time since she slept, really slept and she found her body getting sick of its deprivation. When it got like that, she had to obey it, go with it, close her eyes and let the sleep overcome her. In fact, when her body demanded sleep, her time was always dreamless.
Tea found her that way, with her head hanging over the edge of the couch, her mouth slightly agape and the quietest of snores coming from her mouth. She stood over her and watched her eyes flutter as she became firmly ensconced in REM, and the edges of her mouth curl up when she obviously delighted in some scene that played in her subconscious, or maybe when nothing at all played in her subconscious. The wrinkles in her forehead, instead of being smooth, were crinkled and worried.
She drew her hand to her forehead, feeling the same places where wrinkles were etched in Roseanne's face. Was that what she looked like when she was sleeping? Did she look so troubled, as if the world was hanging in the balance on her shoulders? She gave a slight shudder at the mere thought.
What happened to her? When did she become so sad? And she knew she was sad, so sad inside, but not as bad as before. No, she had someone there to help carry the weight and she smiled thinking of Todd. He was so there with her, so in the moment and so in step with her. The weight was still there, in her heart, but it was so balanced.
He had dropped her off with the promise of picking her up later. There was a time when she would have paced up and down the rug, burning a hole in it, waiting for "later." "Later" could have been just about any time, from hours to days to weeks and she would drive herself crazy waiting for him. Not anymore. When he said later, he meant later that day.
The time they had spent together was somewhat of a miracle. Never had she thought they would make it to the place where they were, that place of contentment and whatever else people who had been together for a long time would call it. They were there and it felt natural and good. Roseanne didn't have that luxury, not a hint of the stability she felt with Todd. Roseanne, in reality, had nothing.
Tea realized that their time together had been too few and far between. She had been so wrapped up in her life that she neglected the hurt young woman that had been occupying her home. Now, as she stood over her, there was the same pain that she saw so often in her face, when she bothered to look. That wasn't too often; her reflection was something she rarely had the courage to look at her.
She gently lay her hands on her shoulder, and shook her. Not in a jarring way, but just to wake her. She wanted to see those almond shaped eyes with the near-black pupils. They told the truth, just as her eyes told the truth.
Roseanne sensed someone in the room and that's what woke her, not the shaking. That part, well, it seemed a little like it was a part of her nightmares, those where her body thrashed around uncontrollably as she felt something being taken from her body. The other presence in the room was a relief, so she wasn't upset when Tea woke her. So lonely, was all she could think as she floated back to consciousness.
"Hey," Tea said as soon as she saw Roseanne peeking at her through the cracks of her eyelids. "How ya doin'?"
"I'm okay," she groggily replied. She slid her feet back, making room for Tea on the oversized couch. She sort of shifted under Tea's unwavering gaze. She was being studied, watched, observed like some lab animal. And she didn't like it. She moved around, tucked her hair behind her ear, averted her eyes as Tea tried to read them.
Tea chose a different tactic since Roseanne wasn't giving her much chance to read her. Like the brilliant attorney she once was, and she did consider days of lawyering greatness as a thing of the past, she chose to lure her into talking about her heart. "You sure you're okay?"
"Oh, yeah, yeah."
"I'm sorry I haven't been around much. I've been-"
"No, it's okay. I've been, you know, hanging around the city, getting to know things." She shifted her weight again, leaning even further away from Tea. "I'm kinda thinking of going back to Llanview."
"What?"
"Yeah, I think it's time…I guess."
"What happened? What's going on?"
"Nothing, I'm just, you know, ready to go back, I guess." She took a breath before speaking again. "I talked to Carlotta today and she sort of forgave me."
That's when Tea became angry. What did Roseanne have to be forgiven of? She didn't do anything wrong. Nothing other than try to make her son happy, forgetting about herself in the process. Where had she heard that before, she thought. People had said the same thing about Todd yet there she was, trying to make him happy and she lost herself in the process. She looked at Roseanne for a long time, thinking of how she was in the same place as Roseanne and she wouldn't listen to anyone just as Roseanne wouldn't listen to her if she tried to talk sense into her.
"Look, it's not like I'm going back to him or anything."
"Is this about me not being around? I know I haven't been here for you the way I should have and I can't make excuses for myself. I fucked up."
"No, no you didn't. You've got shit goin' on in your life too."
"That's no excuse."
"I didn't say it was."
Tea looked into Roseanne's eyes, realizing that they never talked about Jose. Tea hadn't been around to talk about her about that day when she stormed out of the penthouse. It was clear that Roseanne missed her father, just as it was clear she wanted to talk about him. So, Tea brought him up. "I bet you're wondering what happened between your father at me?" She was answered with silence. "There's a history of bad blood between us and, well, to put it bluntly, he's the reason I lost my baby." Still, nothing from Roseanne. "We've caused each other a lot of pain and I'm so sorry you were caught in the middle like that.
"It's not your fault, Tea."
"I know it must've hurt you and where was I? I wasn't here for you. That doesn't mean you have to leave though."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Why didn't you tell me about my father before?"
Tea took a breath before answering. The truth was she knew Roseanne believed the sun rose and set on her father. He was a God, a superhero, and the greatest father in the world, in her eyes. She and Roseanne had too much to deal with, too much baggage between them to add Jose into the mix. She chose to be silent about it, hoping that she would come to her own conclusions with time.
"I think I had a right to know what he was all about. Tea, he hurt you so bad and you didn't say anything to anyone about it. Not even Todd and you always tell me I should open up and I should be honest. The same rules don't apply to you?"
"Sometimes you have to come to your own decisions about people. I love you Roseanne, and I would do anything to protect you. What would you have gained if I told you about my loss, huh?" There was no response. "Exactly, so I kept it to myself."
Roseanne buried her face in her hands but she did not cry. Her voice was muffled when she spoke again. "I don't know what's going on. I felt fine, I really did and now, all of a sudden, I'm hurting all over again."
"I know and the best thing I can tell you is to talk to someone. I know it's a difficult thing to do, but when things get this bad, your only option is to talk to someone."
"You mean like a shrink?"
"Yeah. There's no shame in talking to someone and it doesn't make you crazy. I'll pay for it, so you don't have to worry about it."
"Can I go back to Llanview? Is that offer still open if I go back there?"
She saw that it's what she really wanted, to go back to Llanview. Sometimes, you just have to let go, that's what her therapist once told her. Sometimes, you have to let go, she repeated to herself. Reluctantly, she nodded her head and said, "The offer is still open if you want to go back to Llanview."
