As soon as Misty was out of Todd's sight, he let out a frustrated scream that reverberated throughout the then empty corridor. He pounded his fist against the door until the wood of the door splintered and a hole appeared where there was once none. "Damn it," he yelled. "Damn…damn…damn," he said, banging his head hard against the door, nearly knocking his head through that too.
He tried to stop Tea before she walked too far out of his reach, but she did not respond to his voice. In fact, she didn't respond to anything, just kept walking. She didn't acknowledge anything about him, maybe a wave of her hand or something like that, he really wasn't sure. It was like watching his whole life, his entire future walk away into a "visibility zero" fog.
It took some doing to get Misty out of his life. Even had to go so far as to rip her keys from her purse and snatch the one to his apartment off the ring. He'd get the locks changed too, he vowed. Damn that Misty, reminding him all over again of how deep his hatred ran for Blair. There were similarities between the two that he'd noticed before, and her behavior earlier was vintage Blair. Throwing an impromptu tantrum, spewing monosyllabic words of hate was her m.o.
Tea hadn't called all day. Not that he expected her to but it would have been a pleasant surprise. He had called her office a couple of times but Caitlin cut him off at the pass, saying things like she was busy or she'd call him back. It wasn't true, she needed time to think and that time didn't include him.
So, his day was spent hanging around his apartment, thinking of her and waiting for the phone to ring. With each passing hour, his heart sunk a little more. He knew she needed time, knew that, it didn't mean he had to like it. He moved around from place to place; the couch to the window, to the bar stool that overlooked the kitchen.
Her scent still lingered in the air. It was one of the reasons he loved for her to visit. Her presence was always felt long after she left. What he would have given to lie in her arms again. What he would have given to lie in her bed, inside of her, uttering words of love in her ear.
He called her a couple more times, waiting until later in the evening when Caitlin should have gone home and Tea did her best work. She could think when she was alone, he thought too much when he was. Hours and hours passed and still she had not called him.
Discouraged, more than a little, he closed himself in the bathroom. There were so many options open to him in there. He had the medicine cabinet. There was the bathtub, which he could easily fill with water and sink into oblivion. There were blades, fresh out of the package, their sharp edges calling to him. Took a look at himself in the mirror, his clothes from the day before still on, wrinkled, looking slept in.
His hair was greasy and he was in dire need of a hot shower. He wondered if that's what Tea saw when she opened her eyes that morning or if she saw that same someone she fell in love with. Looked at himself in the mirror even more closely, especially at the shadowed sacks that hung beneath his eyes. They made his face take on a different appearance, a darker one, a more sinister one.
"Hey there, Lost Soul," he heard someone say but he was the only one there. "Hey, Lost Soul," they repeated.
"Mr. Jazz Man?" Todd questioned, seeing the image appear before him in the mirror.
"Yeah, it's me. Say, whatcha gonna do with her father? You got him holed up in some hotel, livin' off your money. You know he's lovin' this, don't you? Yeah, he's lovin' livin' off you. Better do somethin', Lost Soul, he's a scavenger. Kinda like you, with a little less heart."
"Can't think about him, Jazz Man. Got too many other things goin' on in my life."
"Yeah, I saw her. Man, saw that girl come in on you. Looks like she has your number, too. Hit you where it hurts, didn't she? Hurt your real lady. Remind you of old times? Open yourself up to that woman Lost Soul, she'll forgive you. Love that woman, Lost Soul, take her and over her, she's there for you."
Todd ran his fingers through his hair and stared into his own eyes. Jazzman had gone somewhere; at least he couldn't see him. "Where'd you go?" he whispered.
*****
Tea's Penthouse
It was late in the evening when Tea finally had the courage to go home. All day she spent wandering around in search of something she really couldn't' identify, maybe it was some sort of peace and had she been in her right mind, she would have known that there was no such thing as peace on the New York streets. They were crowded and cluttered with people all doing their thing, concerned with their life, forgetting that there was a world outside of their own. She was a little teary eyed but nobody noticed. They just kept moving. In a city of millions, she never felt more alone.
Roseanne was sitting on the living room couch when she walked in. Tea had been so distracted and Roseanne had been so to herself that she had almost forgotten about her guest. She was a little startled to see her watching television, dressed, with a little more color to her skin. With a heavy sigh, she attempted to let the tension fade from her body, plastered on her fake smile and joined her niece on the couch.
"Hey. You're looking good," Tea said, reaching to feel her forehead. "Is today a good day?"
"Yeah, I'm feeling okay. I was worried when you didn't come home last night."
"I was at Todd's. We had kind of a thing and needed to talk. Sorry I didn't call, guess I'm not used to having a roommate. Hey, what are you watching?" Tea had just taken notice of what was on the television screen, something she didn't immediately recognize from her extensive video collection.
"End of the Affair."
Tea nodded as she recalled the storyline of the movie. The couple reminded her of her tumultuous relationship with Todd and his incessant jealousy of anyone that dared enter her sphere. She hadn't dared watch the movie after the first viewing; it hurt too much. This time, she sank back into the inviting cushions of the couch and watched without relating anything to her personal experiences because she and Todd were no longer in that place. She sort of smiled to herself but somehow it made its way to her lips.
"What's so funny?" Roseanne asked as she caught a glimpse of Tea from the corner of her eye.
"Nothing."
Tea took a long, hard look at Roseanne, assessing her mood. Trying to decide whether it was the right time to ask her about her plans for the future. To ask if they included Christian and if they didn't, what her next move in life would be. She remembered that time in her life when she was faced with the exact same choices, and in a different way, she was faced with the same questions with Todd.
Roseanne felt the unasked question in the air, further tensing things between them. In a way, she wanted to answer the question before it was asked, if only because Tea had been in that place. But she didn't offer any answers and Tea decided against asking any, so they sat in silence, watching the movie without paying too much attention.
*****
Todd's Apartment
Todd looked at his watch again; it was three in the morning and he hadn't heard a word from her. She hadn't returned his phone calls and he was determined not to call her again. A couple of times he even called his home phone from his cell, just to make sure that it was working.
He wondered if she was missing him as much as he missed her. There were times in the penthouse, those little moments that no one else knew about when he would find himself pacing at his loneliest moments and sometimes he would go and check on her. Watching her was of some comfort, more than she would ever know.
Tea was a hard sleeper sometimes. He knew that because when she was really out, she let out the softest of snores, which she would deny if he ever told her. Sometimes he would move a chair really close to her bed and lay his head on her pillow. He would feel her breath against her face and sometimes she made a little sound, one of satisfaction or something and he would smile to himself, thinking she might be dreaming of him.
When they were married, there were instances when he would go up to her room and she would be leaning against a stack of pillow, with her light on, reading a book. He would hear her shuffle around when he walked down the hall. He knew what she was doing, hiding the romance book she was too ashamed to read in front of him and replacing it with a boring law book. He loved that about her.
Those days were so far in the past; he was surprised he still remembered. Especially with the things he had been going through lately, seemed his memory was getting fuzzier by the day. Pretty soon he was sure he would forget all of the special moments that no one knew but the two of them.
He jumped up when he heard the phone ring. Pressed the "talk" button and bellowed into the phone, "hello?" She exhaled and he knew without a doubt who it was. "Tea, god, I'm so glad it's you. I gotta explain what happened. Please let me explain it to you."
"I know what happened-"
"No you don't," he insisted, trying to find the right words to keep her from hanging up on him. He had made so many mistakes with her and of those, this was the biggest. Tea so often confused sex with love and he had to make her understand that what he had with Misty was nothing more than meaningless sex, made even more meaningless because he wasn't coherent enough to know what she was doing. It was such a familiar pattern with women, when they meant nothing to him, he could take that step, when he loved them, and Tea had been the only one he truly loved, his mind and body wouldn't cooperate. "When I was doing whatever with her, I was on stuff and I really didn't know."
"Todd, don't-"
"I'm not trying to make excuses, there is no excuse, I'm just trying to explain it to you. She kept coming around and I kept saying no, but she wouldn't listen. She was always poking her nose around and calling and coming over. You know, you know I love you?" He formed that last sentence in the form of a question because he needed to hear her say that she believed in that one constant.
"I know you say you love me, and I guess I believe it."
"Don't just 'guess' you believe it, know it. Know that I love you and I am so sorry for hurting you the way I did earlier." He was beginning to cry in his explanation, wanting so desperately for her to say she understood. He kept messing up with her, over and over he messed up and he was so afraid that one day it would be the ultimate fuck up and she would leave for good. That was his greatest fear in life because if he truly lost her, there was no reason to go on.
"I believe it, it's just that she's always done this and it still hurts, you know?"
"What do you mean?"
"Misty and I go way back. We grew up in the same building but while I lived in the basement, she lived in the penthouse." The memories came rushing back to her; walking in on them and listening to her boyfriend utter someone else's name and say it with the same passion he said hers. "We never did get along. She was one of the people who never failed to remind me that I didn't belong there with the white people and I was nothing more than the janitor's daughter."
"I didn't know."
"There's no way you could have." The line went quiet as they both thought of what to say next. She kept so much from him, probably nearly as much as he kept from her. It didn't seem right to be angry with him for not opening up when she was just as closed as he. She walked around her place, holding the phone, letting the rhythm of his breathing calm her.
They did have a rhythm, always had. He would be the angry one, anxious one, the one to lose control and she was always the calming force. The only person who could reach him during his most turbulent times. Now, here he was, the one who was doing the calming.
"Have I lost you?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. Seemed he was always asking that question, not understanding that he could never really lose her. She loved him too much.
"No, Todd, you haven't lost me. I still need some time like we'd discussed before. I think we rushed things-"
"Tea, we have been apart for so long, I don't really see the point. I mean, whatever healing we still have to do, can't we do it together. I know I need you to help me. I need you."
Tea closed her eyes at the sounds of his pleading. He was right and there wasn't a point to their healing apart. If time hadn't healed their separate wounds in all those years, it was doubtful that they would suddenly be healed. Her problem had nothing to do with her wanting to heal alone; it was her own shame at the dirty secrets from her childhood. And she wanted to be a part of his healing. He needed that and she wanted it. She saw with her own eyes what how much his past tormented him.
"Tea? Say something. Talk to me."
"I'm here. Todd, you don't know what you're asking. There's so much hurt inside of me and you know what it's like, but you don't know what my pain is like and I don't know what yours is like."
"What are you trying to say? I mean, didn't you always say you wanted me to let you in on my pain and you wanted to help me? If that's true, why won't you come to me now that I'm asking?"
Silence.
"Tea, do you love me?"
Without hesitation she said, "yes, I do."
"How much?"
"I don't know what that has to do with anything."
"Answer the question counselor."
"More than anything. More than I have ever loved anyone in my life."
Todd closed his eyes and memorized her voice saying those things to him. He loved her the just as much, much more than he ever thought possible. "Right and I love you that much too. So if we love each other so much, why can't we just be together now?"
Tomorrow's not promised, Thomas. That's what his mother used to tell him all the time.
"Tomorrow's not promised, Tea."
She could almost hear her mother saying that to her. "Teita, kiss your father and tell him you love him; tomorrow's not promised."
"Let's do all that healing junk together. I'll talk to you and you'll talk to me; who needs a shrink?"
"Can you really hold up your end of the bargain?"
"Yeah, I'll try. It's gonna be hard but for you, I'll try."
