Sometime in the night, they stopped kissing and caressing and doing the things that were their way of making love. They did love each other, though neither was able to verbalize it. Didn't have to, not really. Their electric touches and trust and kisses spoke a language that did not have to depend on words.
Their time apart had been the most difficult period of life that they had lived. If it could be considered living at all...that was, in all honesty, debatable. What wasn't debatable was the strong connection that existed even in their separation. They knew that they would cross each other again, and maybe they were a little scared that the love of the other would not be available to them. When they were in the same room together, all of that doubt disappeared, and so did the rest of the world around them.
It was a difficult, long journey, perhaps one that they both had to endure. Space created appreciation for what they had, didn't it? Space created a certain kind of assurance that they may be done with the past, but the past was not done with them? Space. Was it that time apart led to some sort of realization that they were meant to be together? It seemed that whatever "space" did for them, it was for the better. The feelings were stronger, if that was even possible and the trust, that missing element was there in spades.
Todd's eyes fluttered as he made his way back to consciousness. One eye opened, followed by the other. A feeling washed over him, like a domestic bliss that he had never experienced. He was "in" the moment, the woman he had grown to love more than life itself was resting her head against his shoulder, her hand against his chest. His daughter was in another room, her pink room, resting safely and within reach. The CD player was still going, having switched to Bette Midler at some point during the night. He wrinkled his nose at that, never having been a fan.
This was something he could get used to. The previous night was something he could get used to. The trust that Tea showed in him was nothing less than amazing. She let him touch her, without pulling away from repulsion. Quite the opposite in fact. She moved closer to him, she touched him, not always in a physical sense but it certainly felt like she reached inside his chest and massaged his heart back to life. He could literally feel that and he wished he could move inside of her, become a part of her, become a part of her; that warmth she emitted. How he longed to be a part of her.
As he looked down at her sleeping face and listened to her peaceful breathing, he regretted all of the time that was lost to them. He could've watched her sleeping every single night for over a year, a year that they could never retrieve. A year of their lives together, gone, just like that. He would try to make up for it; he would do everything in his power to make up for the past mistakes.
There was something around his neck, something cutting off the blood flow to his heart. His breathing changed and suddenly, he had to escape. It was too much for him, the happiness; something had to go wrong. It had to! He touched the collar of his shirt, pulling it outward as if that would somehow help him catch his breath. It did not. Panic started to rise within him, he had to get out, had to get away. They were coming for him, the voices, they were going to goad him and tease him and make him hurt her.
No, don't, he pleaded with the "thieves" that were coming from inside. They had stolen everything from him, couldn't he have these moments without interruption. He wanted to cry because he knew it was over and that they were coming to get him and that there was nothing to do but to leave her again, had to do it if he wanted to protect her.
"Oh, Toddie, tsk, tsk, tsk, you should've fucked her when you had the chance. Now, I might have to do it for you. I left you alone last night. I gave you the op…por…tun…it…y to be a man. But no, I should've known you weren't eager for the task." Peter taunted him in that perfectly menacing voice that he had mastered.
Don't hurt her. God, I couldn't bear it if you hurt her. Hurt me. I'll do what you want. If you want me, I'll give me to you, I won't fight back. Just don't hurt her. I'll go; I'll leave her alone forever. That's the worst thing you could do to me.
"Correction, the worst thing I could do to you is hurt her."
No, don't. Please don't touch her. You'll taint her, you'll make her as evil as me. It's me you want, here, I'm giving myself to you.
He started breathing raggedly, gently trying to move Tea away from him. Trying to protect her from the monster that promised to make his presence known. Gotta keep her safe from me. I love you, God I love you so much. I can't breathe. I love you.
Even in her sleep she could feel the change in him. Lying on his chest, she was close enough to hear the racing of his heart and the shallow breaths that he took. Fear was coursing through her veins; fear that she was losing him. And she didn't want to open her eyes to face the man that was in front of her. If she kept her eyes closed, then she could pretend that it wasn't happening. He wasn't slipping away from her. If she closed her eyes, she could pretend that everything was normal. But then she felt him letting go of her. His arms unraveling from her own; his hands leaving her body. She opened her eyes, only to see him cowering in a corner.
"Todd, what's wrong?" she asked, moving toward him. She stopped dead in her tracks when he jumped backwards as she stepped toward him. "Talk to me. Whatever it is, we can fix it. Mijo?"
"No, Tea, you gotta stay away from me. I gotta get outta here." He frantically turned his head from side to side, searching for a way out.
"No, I'm not staying away from you. You tell me what's wrong, what I can do to help and we'll deal with it together. Don't push me away this time."
Tears slid down the side of his face as he pulled his knees into his chest. "I knew this was a bad idea. You gotta stay away from me...forget about me. I'm too screwed up for you."
All at once, Tea felt the love and caring drain from her body, pushed out by anger and pain. It was happening all over again, that dance, that tango of emotions, forced out by an even stronger feeling. She could have strangled him. Him with his ever tortured soul, his pain, his hurt, his anger, what about her? When was she going to get the only break she wanted? The one thing she wanted more than anything, his love.
She did as she was told, backed away from him, retreated from the living room into her cave. Her bedroom where she was free to be herself, let the emotions take over because she just could not take his suffering anymore. What triggered it this time, she wondered. Had she done something to him in his sleep? It didn't matter anymore; it was over, whatever it was. Disappointed again, but that mistake would not be repeated.
*****
Alone. All alone, he was again. Sitting in the early morning hours, watching the sunrise above the earth. Alone. Anxious. Crying. Those were real tears slipping down the side of his face that he suddenly became aware of.
She backed out of the room, wouldn't even turn her back on him. She could have been afraid, that had to be it. "God," he spoke aloud, running his fingers continuously through his hair.
Nu uh, Toddie, God doesn't exist in your world. Isn't that what I told you? You never listen; you never listened. I see you got the bitch to leave before I could have my fun with her, but don't worry, I will get her. See, there's one thing I can count on and that's you to fuck things up for yourself. You can't stay away from her can you Toddie? She's your addiction; she's your drug. I know I'll get another chance with her because, my dear son, you have no self_control.
"You're not gonna hurt her, you bastard! I won't let you hurt her."
You won't let me hurt her? Do you think you have a choice? Oh, that's very funny. Let me tell you something, you sorry bastard, I'll do whatever the fuck I want to that bitch and there's not a damned thing you can do about it. I can go back there to that sweet smelling room of hers and charm the pants off her, isn't that what I used to do to you?
The more he fought his tears, the harder they came. Peter was right...Tea was an addiction. She had to be; otherwise, he would've left her place as soon as she went into her bedroom. If he left, went back to his apartment, it would've been even worse. At least there were other people around; Starr was sleeping, Roseanne was sleeping, Tea was probably crying, but at least he wasn't alone.
Peter stopped talking to him after a point. Figured he had gotten him worked up again, mind_fucked him a bit. Todd could feel his face cooling as he began to relax just a little. He had to force himself to stand up. Forced himself to walk down the hall. Forced himself to knock on her door. And forced his voice to say, "Todd," when she asked who it was. He didn't wait for an answer...he couldn't wait.
He opened the door slowly, as if he were afraid of what he might see on the other side. She was lying face down on the bed and he could tell from the way her body was rising and falling that she was crying her eyes out. "I'm sorry," he said weakly. "I'm so sorry. I didn't want to push you away, Tea, but_"
"I know, you can't help it," she sniffled mockingly. "Something just happens when you're with me, that same something that never happened with Blair, and you can't take it anymore. You have to push me away for my own good."
Her words stung. They more than stung, they were like bullets that pierced his chest and hit his heart, straight in bull's eye in the middle. "It's not like that, Tea. This isn't about Blair_"
"You're wrong," she said, turning over so she could look in his eyes. "Blair has always been here with us, along with all that other shit that you carry around and refuse to unload. You're always going to hurt and you're always going to push people away because you covet your pain. You hold it to you like some sort of badge of honor." She turned onto her side, away from him so she didn't have to look at pain her words caused, reflecting in his eyes.
The bed moved slightly as he sat down next to her. His hand hovered over her back, wanting to touch her again. He decided against it. "Tea, I wish I could let it go but I'm afraid of what'll happen. I don't want to hurt you_"
"And this doesn't hurt me? Wow, I'd really had to see what you could do if you were trying to hurt me_"
"You don't know what I've been through. You don't know what it's like being trapped in my head all day, everyday and all the shit I have to deal with. I don't want you to know about that, that's why I always pull away. I don't you to feel that."
"Give me a break. You open up when it's convenient for you. You opened up to your ex_wife. You opened up to, what's her name, Rebecca? You opened up to her. You opened up to Viki. Oh and the way you love your daughter is incredible. You seem to be able to open up to everyone but me. What do I expect though? My last name is Delgado, never as good as anybody, right?"
The back of his throat started to ache, a sure indication that he was going to lose it. The tears were going to come and there was nothing he could do about it. He brought his feet onto her bed, wrapped his arms around her body and moved himself closer to her. "I try to open up to you but I'm so scared, I'm so damned scared and I don't know what to do. I'm doing the best I can; I have always done the best I can when it comes to you. Rebecca is someone from a long time ago but I knew she wasn't the one; I knew it wouldn't last. Blair, she's nothing to me. I didn't really open up to her. She had my child but she never really had me. I never wanted to give her everything. Viki's my sister and she understands some of this. She knows and she can help me, she's lived it. But you, you're everything to me. You are the one. You have every single part of me and I'm trying, God, I am trying but I'd die if I hurt you."
How many times had he used death as a way to manipulate her? How many times had she fallen for it, tears streaming from her eyes, sacrificing everything to take his pain away? Was he using her again? Were his words nothing more than empty utterances from a desperate man? If she let herself believe it, there would be nothing but more pain in her life. That, she knew for a fact. But, in his arms, she experienced a kind of safety that she had never known. As inexplicable as it was, it was also the truth. With his arms wrapped around her, she could sleep, really sleep in a way that she hadn't in months. And in his arms, she could breathe the way that the untortured breathe, rhythmically, without conscious effort. And she could pretend that someone loved her. As much as she wanted her body to move away from his, she was paralyzed.
"I know that I should walk out that door and never look back. I know that Tea but I also know that I can't. I don't like the person that I am without you, I don't like the person I am with you but at least I'm tolerable." His grip tightened around her and he came very close to kissing her neck.
This time, it was she that turned away. It was she that said enough, pulled back and hid in her rock solid shell that protected her. She was fully aware that her pulling away would hurt him beyond words, but it was all she could do to keep her own heart from being broken. With great reluctance, she eased her body away from him, flung her legs over the side and walked over to the window. "I can't," she said without looking at him. "I can't do this anymore; I can't play this game. We have tried and tried and tried and still, we can't get it right. I think we should take that as a hint; we're not meant to be."
"Tea," he began, following her trail to the window, "how can you say that?"
He was so close; she could feel the heat from his breath tickling her ear. If he moved any closer, she wouldn't be able to take it. All of her resolve would be gone and so would the rest of her life. Because if he left her again, she would die. There was no doubt about it, she would give up and never breathe again.
"We're meant to be together, you know it. I hurt, I hurt all over the place and you're the only person that makes me feel like I'm not so bad; you make me feel like I'm okay."
She started to cry a little bit, sniffling as quietly as she could. She couldn't stop her body from trembling, still couldn't stop her body from convulsing and brushing against his. The next thing she knew, his arms were wrapped firmly around her. Unconsciously, she leaned her body back into his and let hold her.
"I know I'm not good enough for you. I know that and maybe if I never met you I could accept being alone and being that miserable son of a bitch that everyone hates so much. But I can't now. I want something more out of life and I know you deserve so much better, but I need you."
Things would have been so much easier if she had walked away from him at that moment. She should have cut him off without hearing such personal words. She didn't need to see his heart being placed at her feet, nor did she need to feel his lips as they lightly touched her cheek. Why couldn't she walk away once and for all?
"Tea, say something. Say anything, but I can't take your kind of quiet."
"My kind of quiet?"
"Yeah, you know, your quiet is when you're always thinking 'cause you're either mad or you're biting your tongue. You don't wanna hurt my feelings, is that it?" He pulled away from her abruptly, doing an about face and heading over to the bed.
"It's not that simple Todd."
"Why isn't it? You tell me why it isn't simple. You're the one who always said all I had to do was open myself up to love. Well, Tea, here I am, my guts spilled out in front of you and now what? You're going to tell me that it's still not enough?"
He was agitated; doing that thing where he was filled with so much nervous energy, he couldn't not move. For a long time, she stared at him, searching within herself for the words. Not that she knew what to say. In fact, she had no idea. There was a pain so great inside both of them; there was no such thing as pulling it all together and having a normal relationship. There was no doubt in her mind that her greatest desire was to be with him, but it hurt too much. It was too hard.
"I love you Tea. I love you so damned much that I feel like I can't take it. It's like a fire, sucking all the oxygen from me because you won't let me have you_"
"Have me? I'm not a possession, Todd."
"You know what I mean."
She strolled over to the bed where he was sitting and kneeled down in front of him. Taking his face into her hands, she let the words roll off of her tongue. "I love you too. I'm just trying to get my life together, and I have to do that alone. How am I going to be the woman you deserve, the woman you need if I don't even know who I am? I'm trying to find her Todd, I'm trying to get to know her but I just can't be with you until I can figure out what's going on with me."
"I don't get it."
"As I kneel here before you and I see you looking at me the way you are, I think there's nothing more I want in the world than to be loved by you. When you touch me, I think I was made to be with you. When you hold me, there is no doubt in my mind that you are the only man that can make me feel whole. Having said that, I have to also be realistic. I don't want to be hurt again and I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have. I figured something out."
"What's that?"
"I figured out that the problem with us doesn't begin when we're together; the problem begins with us as individuals. We are so damaged, so hurt, that it's impossible for us maintain any sort of romantic relationship."
"I already told you that you make me feel okay_"
"Yes, but I'm not okay. I'm not okay when we're together, or when we're apart. I guess what I'm asking is for you to give me some time. Please, just give me some time to work on me; don't give up."
At least she didn't say no, was all he could think. At…least…she…didn't…say…no. She didn't say yes either, but there was a glimmer of hope. With a feeling of newfound confidence, he kissed her again, leaning forward and into her, gently prodding her mouth open with the tip of his tongue. They stayed that way for several minutes, he leaning forward with his hands running through her hair, getting lost in each other. "I'll be patient," he said, finally pulling away from her, "I can do that."
