Tea tried to feel something afterward. In the past, she would feel some sort of power or control, knowing she could walk away with no remorse and always leave them wanting more. It was more like a drug, that the basement apartment dwelling girl made those snobby, uptown yuppies take notice, relinquish control to her and when she was finished, she could discard them. Treat them as so many had treated her in the past.
There was nothing there, but an emptiness that it was foolish to try and fill. That void, in its vastness, had always been there, filled only temporarily by "things." There was nothing there anymore, nothing she could dump into it, nothing at all. It kept growing and growing in size and strength until it was the only thing left. That well of sadness and despair and hurt and pain and all those other things she thought she could run from.
That woman in the mirror, the stranger, stared back at her with utter contempt. The eyes were emotionless, maybe it was disappointment. She shook her head at the stranger; looking so much like her mother they could have been twins. She splashed ice_cold water on her face, hoping the temperature would do something to make the stranger go away. She didn't.
"What do you want from me?"
Look at yourself. What do you see?
"I don't know."
What do you see?
"I don't know. I can't see anything. I just…I just…I just…I can't do this anymore. I keep searching for something and I can't find it. I'm not even sure I know what it is anymore. I thought it was love but it's never there for me."
What isn't there, Tea?
"Love. It leaves. Everyone and everything leaves. And I'm the one left broken into a million pieces. I want it so badly and I can't find it. I can't give it. Oh God, I am so alone and I don't want to do it anymore. I can't breathe. I feel like I'm losing it and I can't find it, even for a minute, I can't find it."
Tea, it's there. It is there for you to take. Look at you.
"I am looking."
And?
"And all I see is this little girl whose mother left her, whose father hated her, whose brothers aren't around, whose child DIED, whose heart was broken so young and who has never recovered. I see the woman who is always judged by her 'cover.' I see my darker skin and my darker eyes speaking before I can even open my mouth. I see my best client, my best friend, my husband, my everything walking out on me."
Do you see the little girl whose mother left because her father was going to kill her? Do you see the father who loved no one, including and especially himself? Do you see the brothers who may not be around in body, but their love is always there? Do you see the child that is in heaven? Do you see the broken_hearted young woman who grew into a strong, brilliant woman? Do you see the woman who blows the cover to pieces with the reality inside? Do you see the darker skin helping build the strength of the woman inside? Do you see that client, that best friend, that husband, your everything wanting the thing only you can give him?
"No."
All of that is there, and so much more. Tea, you have everything you need. Open yourself up to all the beauty you and only you possess. Love yourself…first…and go after whatever it is that you want.
*****
Tea's Apartment
The sun shone brightly through the windows that lined the walls of Tea's apartment. She could leave the heat on low and use the sun for a source of natural warmth. Sometimes, it was a little too bright and she had to run around closing the blinds, to block the blinding sun. Still, she liked it. It brought energy to her tired soul, or happiness to her broken soul. Either way, it was nice to see the sun.
When she walked in after being out all night, she felt warm. Not just warm from the sun, but warm inside. That was a feeling she had not experienced in quite some time. It rejuvenated her, made her feel like it was going to be a good day.
She checked her answering machine first, ignoring most of the messages. It was Saturday, the first Saturday in many that she was going to forget about business and concentrate on having fun. Those that called about business were quickly forgotten and erased. Viki had called, asking how she was doing, nothing about Todd. She smiled; somebody did care for her. Todd called, for no reason, he said, just to say "hello." Once she heard his message, forgot to listen to the others and returned his call immediately. Thanks to Caller I.D., she didn't have to wait long for him to pick up.
"Hey, I thought you were ignoring me."
Only a few months before, she would have been glad to let him know she spent the night with another man, now, she wanted to hide it. "Nope, I just got your message."
"Oh, okay. I was just, you know, wanting to know how you're doing and all that garbage. You seemed pretty_"
"Pretty what?"
"I don't know. I guess like something was bothering you at the hospital and I, you know, I guess I want to know if there's anything I can do to help?" He rolled his eyes at himself thinking he sounded like an idiot talking to her. He wanted her to need him in any way. He needed her to need him, to make him feel like he was useful to at least one person.
"I'm okay. There's so much going on right now with work and Roseanne and everything is happening at once, you know? It was good to see you though, I really needed that."
"You did?" he asked in shock.
She smiled. "I did."
"Why?"
"I don't know. I needed to see a familiar face or maybe I needed a hug. I don't know it was just good to see you. How are you? You doing okay?" It was her turn to be concerned. Had he been "indulging" all night? Would he even tell her if he had? Impossible to tell what he would and would not do anymore, so much about him had changed, and so much had remained the same. Like the sadness she heard in his voice when he responded.
"I'm doin'," he responded vaguely with a sigh. He could picture her on the other end, tilting her head as she pondered his tone.
"That doesn't sound very good. Do you want to talk about it?"
"Can I come by and take you to dinner? Nothin' serious, just dinner. I'm kinda hungry and you gotta eat, right?"
"Uh, yeah, sounds good but, Roseanne_"
"Look, okay, how about I come by around 7? That gives you enough time to pick her up and do whatever you gotta do, right?"
"Yeah, okay."
*****
A Restaurant
All day Tea found herself thinking about her "date" that night. It may not have meant anything, but the fact that she was going to be in familiar company was enough for her. He would have died laughing if he knew how many different outfits she changed into all for some…pizza. She had to laugh at herself as she dressed in a simple pair of jeans and a form_fitting, red sweater.
When he came to pick her up, she was as nervous as she was on her first date. She and Todd weren't going on a date; they were going to have an evening out…an evening between two friends. That's what she kept telling herself, trying to pound it into her brain.
There they were, at an upscale pizza place, sharing a pizza with the works. Todd always had a way of surprising her with something totally unexpected. Pizza was definitely something she did not expect. Not that she was disappointed, it was, in fact, just what she needed…something simple.
He liked the way she looked in the jeans and sweater, she seemed so relaxed. She used to look like that in the penthouse, when he would come home and see her with her legs folded on the couch, leaning on her elbow, reading a good book. It wasn't often when he saw her so unguarded.
She smiled, catching him looking at her. "What?"
"You look good today. Well, you always look good but you look really good today. It's nice seeing you out of those suits. I mean…you know…you look…I don't know_"
"Thanks. So, Todd, tell me what's bothering you?"
"Nothin', I wanted to see you, that's all."
He's lying, she thought. She had grown used to his "nothin's" which were always "somethin'" that she had to pull from him. She wasn't going to pester him anymore about his feelings. They weren't together so she continued to eat her pizza, sighing in resignation.
"Can I ask you something, Tea?"
"Sure."
"Why didn't you ever talk about your family when we were together?"
"I don't know. I guess it didn't seem important in the grand scheme of things. The past is the past, right?" She could have laughed out loud at herself. The past is the past? Then why can't you seem to let it go? The past was never really the past, it was always there, around, making its presence known.
"Sometimes."
"Why are you all of a sudden so curious about my family?"
"No reason, I guess. I just wanted to know if there's a reason why you didn't talk to your…dad." He spoke his words carefully, watching her expression…watching her eyes. They were unclear to him, so he moved his gaze down to her hands. She lay the piece of pizza she had been nibbling on onto her plate and pushed it slightly away from her. It was a very clear indication that her father was a topic she did not want to discuss.
She thought back to the one discussion that she had with Todd where she actually mentioned her father. At that time, she was still operating under the illusion that she had to make it seem like her childhood was better than it really was. She couldn't very well tell him that her childhood had been nearly as horrific as his. He had, no matter how emphatically he denied it, suffered from mental, physical and probably sexual abuse, though he never confirmed it. He had enough on his mind without thinking about how she grew up…so she hid it, colored it, twisted it…made it seem a little better than it was. As he sat across from her, waiting for her response, it struck her that this was her opportunity to let things out. Something held her back and she retreated behind her mask. "There's no reason."
"No?"
"No. So, Todd Manning, why did you really invite me to dinner tonight?"
Todd stirred his soda, wishing it was something else, something a little more potent. Something a little harder with more of a "calming" effect. Maybe then he would be able to tell her that he just wanted to look at her for awhile. "Can't a man just want to spend time with his ex_wife?"
She still didn't buy it one bit, but went along with the game. "Sure."
"So, did you get rid of that son of a bitch client you hate?"
"No, he's still my client and still making me miserable. We go to trial next week and then it'll be all over. What about you? Are you still doing those things," she lowered her voice, "you know you shouldn't?"
"I've been a good boy." He stared at her for a long while, watching the movement of her body. The way she stirred the sugar into her tea…the way she watched it dissolve into the mixture…the way she stared into space and frowned a bit when she thought of something she didn't want to deal with. Then, she would look at him, knowing she was had been caught in a "sad" moment and smile.
*****
Later that Night
Hours had raced by, unnoticed by either of them. Todd was too busy watching Tea. Tea was too busy getting lost in her own thoughts. It was peaceful though, peaceful for the two of them. The kind of silence that two people share who are content enough with each other's presence to not feel the need to fill the empty air with unnecessary words.
A couple of times he gave her hand a squeeze, only when he thought she needed it. Like when she would frown for too long or seem a bit too quiet. He would give it a quick squeeze to let her know that he was there for her. It calmed her, returned her attention back to him.
The spell was broken far too soon when the waiter announced that they would be closing shortly. Soon, they would return to their individual lives with their individual demons waiting in the wings to haunt them. They looked across the table at each other, both thinking that they didn't want the night to end.
It was a nice night, a beautiful night for walking. Todd paid the bill, reached for Tea's hand and they walked around the Village…without words. The sky was clear, both of them wishing upon the stars that did not "shoot" that night, for a little break, a little love, a little of what was missing from their lives.
