Todd motioned for Tea to give him a pen and he carefully wrote down the address that was given to him. He used his free hand to shield it from her prying eyes and shoved it into his pocket when he was finished. He wasn't trying to hide anything from her, as much as he was trying to protect her. From what?he wasn't sure. She never really spoke of her life before him unless it was in anger and she yelled how much she wished she had never met him. Other than that, a mention or two here or there was all he knew of her existence before he barreled through the door of her life.
There was no way he could predict how she would react when she laid eyes on her father again. Their relationship was more of a mystery than his with Tea; at least she would acknowledge that something existed between them. Ask her about her father and she would turn into the silky smooth lawyer who would answer a question without really answering it at all. Todd's greatest fear was that the reason Tea try to see her father was not because she didn't know where he was, but because he had hurt her in much the same way that Peter hurt him. Which was why he had to check things out first; make sure he was worthy of seeing his daughter.
"What was that all about?" Tea asked, unable to read his expression after he finished his conversation. He didn't look back up at her the way he had during their entire conversation. Prior to the call, his eyes never left her, her neck, lips, eyes, breasts, she felt as if he was trying to memorize her every curve. Now, he couldn't make contact.
"Nothin'?business."
"Ah?business. Is it legal?"
"Of course it is." He looked down at his watch, counting from the "hour hand" how long they had been together without fighting. It was three hours and counting, no angry words, no crying, nothing other than fun conversation.
"Yeah?how many times have I heard that one?" She knew it was going to be another one of those moments that she would save forever in her "memory bank,": conjuring up this very snapshot in her mind interlaced with the conversation.
"I should really get goin'. I mean, it's late and I know you probably want to get back to RoHo?I mean Roseanne," he corrected after Tea playfully jabbed him in his bicep.
"Stop it," she sad rather sadly, trying to hide the sadness in her voice. One of the last things she wanted was to be left alone again with her thoughts. Though that used to be okay, it gave her time to reflect on what was going on in her life, but when there was nothing there other than work, it made her seem all the more pitiful. She had to let go?had to let him go. Although she wanted to grab onto his arm and ask him not to leave, the best thing she could do was let him get on with his life. So she didn't protest when he stood up and prepared to leave.
"You've got a hell of a jab, Delgado. You know, if you ever decide to give up the law, there's always a career in boxing waiting for you."
"And don't you forget it mister."
"I'm sure you'll keep me in line."
Tea smiled, picked up their tray and dumped its remnants into the garbage can. "Wait," she said, returning to his side, "I'll walk out with you."
*****
They took the long way back to Roseanne's room, passing the same nurse's station at least three times. Not that they noticed. It wasn't awkward in the least for either of them. It was more natural than anything. She chatting about the law and the latest happenings in the world, he listening, nodding his head and saying something every now and then.
Neither knew how they had arrived at this place of friendship, if it could be called that. What they had was deeper than the word implied, but not quite deep enough to be called a relationship. Whatever it was, was growing faster then they could handle. It was good, but at the same time it wasn't right. There were those unresolved things that kept coming back whenever things got too intimate.
Finally, they ended up in front of Roseanne's room and again, gloom made its way into their world. Took them both by surprise and refused to go away. Every time they said goodbye, it felt like the last time. Like the gods couldn't be kind enough to either of them to give them one more chance. Especially Todd. His life had always been a tragedy of Greek proportions. His failure to make Tea happy was just one more of those tragedies and their inability to move into another phase of their relationship was just one more prank.
In front of the door they were able to hide in plain view, away from the prying eyes of those who judged their relationship. People recognized him in the hospital as the one that raped one of their own. They stared at him with the look of hatred oozing from every pore in their body, but for the first time in his life, he didn't notice the way that other people looked at him. He was too into Tea and relishing their time together.
But she noticed. She noticed every pair of eyes that glanced their way once and stared longer the second time. She watched the wave of recognition drain the color from their skin and tap their co-workers and point in their direction. Just as they shot him a glance, she threw one back at them that was equally, if not more powerful. Those big brown eyes turned black for a second and her face became heated with full-blown rage. They felt it too and went back to pretending to work.
She leaned against the wall, putting all her weight against it and propping her foot up on surface. She looked up at him, rather shyly, like a schoolgirl on her first date, waiting expectantly for the end of night kiss. She wasn't waiting for it though, she was trying to figure out what was on his mind. She wasn't waiting for him to kiss her because he didn't do things like that, he might move a little forward, closer to her lips, but he would never hit his mark. And deep down, she didn't want him too, not this time. It hurt too much to love him so much and to want him so much and to be so near but so unable to reach him.
In another way, she wanted him to leave before it was too late. For a while, she had forgotten that Marty was a doctor at that hospital. When she thought of it, all she wanted was for him to get out of there. Though he and Marty co-existed in Llanview, this was a different time and there were new wounds uncovered in his heart. Marty would only exacerbate the wounds, infect them, hurt him even more.
"Well, I gotta get outta here, I'm starting to itch," Todd said, cutting through the quiet that existed between them.
"Okay. Thanks for coming Todd, it really meant a lot."
"I'm just glad you're alright. You are alright aren't you? I mean, you don't seem like yourself." He was concerned for her. She had her usual quippy comebacks to his smart remarks, but her words didn't have the same "zing" to them. He thought that maybe he was intruding on her life and she didn't know how to tell him to leave her alone. But still, that wasn't the Tea he knew and loved. The Tea he knew and loved would tell him in a minute to get the hell out if she didn't want to be bothered.
She tilted her head and smiled thoughtfully at him. His concern made her spine tingle. "Yes, I'm fine. Like I said earlier, I have a lot on my plate right now and I'm just trying to compartmentalize everything."
"Yeah, you always did like things nice and neat and in little packages."
"Especially diamonds," she joked.
"Only the best for you Delgado. Only the best." He took her hand in his, debating whether or not to brush his lips against the flesh of her palm. He held it in mid air, they both stopped breathing?waiting. His mind talked him out of it, so he merely shook it trying to give the illusion that was all he wanted in the first place. "I'll see you?whenever."
"Yeah?see you?whenever."
*****
In Roseanne's room, Tea could see the sun setting over the bed. After Todd left, she spent the rest of the day in that very room. Nurses entered and exited, took vitals and left?Tea sat there saying nothing, missing nothing.
It was good that she had some time to sit around and think about what was going on in her life. There were so many things the she didn't understand, like what the nature of her relationship with Todd was and more importantly, where that relationship was going.
Those damned ties that bound them together were unbreakable. She finally figured that out. That wasn't the puzzling part. The puzzling part was why she stuck around after all the things he put her through. Why didn't she just cut him lose the way she did all the others that fucked her over one too many times. She had regressed, she felt, back into that little girl who let everyone dictate to her. Like the dutiful student, she took notes and did what they said, with reckless regard to what it did to her personally. It was that way with Todd, all those lessons she was taught as a child about honoring and loving and sacrificing her wants and needs, those behaviors that she worked so hard to "unlearn" were weaseling their way back into her life.
Against the chair, she silently chastised herself for even thinking about giving "them" another shot. They had opportunity after opportunity, each of which flew away like a kiss in the wind. Blew apart into tiny particles, too small to try to put back together again. She knew there were only a certain number of chances that each person was granted to make things right; their chances had long since gone. They didn't make one another better, only worse.
She looked up at the once bright white ceiling, resting one foot against the seat of her chair and leaning far back. It was her position?of prayer? She had never been one to pray, but it could be considered prayer; it was her one on one position to talk to the Creator. To herself, she began a dialogue of honesty, hoping that by some miracle, the answers would come to her.
Mami said that this works and so far, I've seen a little evidence of it, but I'm not completely sure. She said you were always listening, even if I didn't say the words.
I never thought I'd be thirty-two and walking around with no husband , childless, really without any ties to anyone. I have my family, but they walk in and out of my life sporadically. For all intents and purposes, I am alone and I don't understand why. Or is it just my payback for my lapses in morality?
You're the one with all the answers, so tell me why I'm not happy. I think I have a right to know why you won't allow me to have any happiness?none. I know I haven't been a perfect person, but I'm doing the best I can. You took Todd away from me. You took Starr away from me. You took everything that was good or at least halfway decent in my life?you took it away and left me with nothing. And now you taunt the very thing that I want most in the world right in front of my face and you expect me not to react? So I try not to react and you let his broken self find me and make me want to "save" him which is something we both know you won't really let me do. You just allow me to get more frustrated and you make me love him more. Well, what's in it for me? I'm serious?what's in it for me?
God, I am thirty-two years old?ha. You know what I've got? I've got nothing. I don't even have myself; lord only knows where I lost it. Wherever "I" am, I'm sure my mind is right along with it. Why did you leave me? Right, right?it's just part of the pattern. Everybody leaves me sooner or later. Ha?I even left myself.
*****
There, in the comfort of the hospital bed, Roseanne lay relishing the little bit of quiet time she had. Not that she was grateful for being in the hospital. That was far from the truth, but compared to the past few weeks of fighting and arguing, seemingly for her own sanity, it was a relief to her tired soul.
She pretended to be asleep, letting out a deep sigh every once and awhile to help with the illusion. She was grateful to Tea for being there for her, at the same time; she really wanted to be alone?to grieve alone. Tea had been through the something similar, but her pain was her own and it was different. She wasn't as strong as Tea; her body couldn't sustain the burdens that Tea's could.
Tea had been so quiet sitting in her chair. It was one of those "mouse piss on cotton" moments where the silence was enough to drive a sane person completely nuts. That worried her. It reminded her of the calm before the storm where she was wondering when the next shoe was going to go crashing down right in front of her. Something was brewing within Tea she could feel it.
With great trepidation, she turned over and faced Tea. She couldn't see much of her, not in the darkness. She could make out the shape of her body, kind of balled up in the chair with her head resting against one knee. She looked so young like that, especially with her hair pulled back into a short ponytail. One of those "why even bother" pony tails where the hair had to stretch just to make it into the holder. She was looking out at something and as Roseanne's eyes traveled to where Tea was staring, she saw one star that seemed to light up the entire sky. It was impossible, but that's the way it seemed. So bright it was, like a television in the middle of this gigantic cloud of black. Then she looked back at Tea, who didn't move a muscle but spoke instead.
"Finally decided to quit feigning sleep, huh? How are you feeling?" There was such exhaustion in her voice, Roseanne wondered if maybe Tea should be occupying the bed right next to her.
"I'm okay?considering. What about you? How're you doin'?"
She seemed to ponder the question for a moment, struggling with whether or not to let the truth come out. That she really wasn't okay and she would never be okay and that life was just so fucked up she didn't want to do it anymore and that she was tired?so damned tired. A lie was easier; it was her pain and she could handle it. File it in another compartment. "I'm good," she said, with zero honesty to be heard in her voice. In fact, it reverberated with the sound of her lie.
"Yeah? So when do I get out of this joint?"
"I don't know. A day or two maybe? They'll probably decide something for sure tomorrow."
"Why don't you go home? There's nothing you can do here so just go and get some sleep."
Tea sighed tiredly; pulling her ponytail holder from her hair and pulling it back even tighter. She repeated that action several times without making a move for the door or any other sound for that matter. She didn't want to go home to that big, empty penthouse. What she really felt like doing, in spite of having a tired body, was going dancing. Letting loose all the tension that filled her body.
"Tea, I'll be fine. You can't do anything here. Go home, get some sleep and bust me out of this place tomorrow."
"I suppose you're right," Tea responded, standing up and trying to shake feeling back into her legs.
*****
Tea left the hospital still in a dreamlike state. The cool air did nothing to snap her out of the depression she settled so comfortably in. Cabs passed by left and right, but she had no desire to step inside and let a stranger drive her the long way around time. Besides, she had no idea where she wanted to go. Wrapping her light jacket a little tighter around her body, she wandered aimlessly down the crowded streets.
Before she knew it, she had walked twenty blocks and still had no idea where she wanted to be. She had made her way into Soho, the place where everyone seemed to be. There were crowds in every doorway to get into the exclusive clubs, those "protected" by the red velvet rope, and she knew instinctively that she would not be welcomed inside. By the time she made it to the front of the line, the place would suddenly become filled to capacity and she would be turned away?again.
Characteristic of New York, she saw a little "nook" where she thought she might be welcomed. From the outside, it was obvious that it was a bar, what wasn't obvious was the ambience inside. Never would she have guessed that it was, in fact, a blues bar complete with the hypnotizing blue lights and smoky lounge. She smiled to herself, thinking she was finally at a place where she could sit back, relax and be herself.
