It had been a good day in Todd's life, which would amount to a pretty "average" day in anyone else's book. Love. He felt love that day. Allowed himself to feel it, roll around in it, savor it the way he hadn't in the past. He was almost happy, not quite, but almost. Love did that to him. Tea did that to him, made him feel her love and felt this sense like everything might be okay?someday. Possibly, it could all be okay. She didn't say that she loved him, didn't almost let it roll off her tongue, but he could tell that there was still something very strong between them. She wanted to say it, he knew that much. That magnetism, their attraction was more powerful than both of them combined.

It always surprised him how, no matter what, she was there for him. Like a boomerang, he could throw her out, away, test her devotion to him, but she always came back for him, to him, lighting his life with her love. She seemed to put away the hurt that he caused her and be "there" like no one else. In spite of everything, she was still there. Unlike Blair, and to a lesser extent, Rebecca and even his mother, she stood by him.

He hated thinking about Blair and all the pain she caused him. So much time was wasted on her, with him trying to become what she wanted, and when he tried, it still wasn't enough. Nothing was ever enough for her. In the process of molding himself to fit her "golden" dream, he got lost. Lost sight of who he was, much the way Tea had drowned within him. It never occurred to him before, the comparison. Was he Tea's Blair? Did he manipulate her so much that she grew to resent him for it? There were so many questions he wanted to ask her, so many apologies he wanted to give her.

Blair and Tea were so different from one another. Blair was selfish in her love; Tea was selfless in hers. Blair wanted him to be dark and as cruel as she. Tea wanted him to see the light that shone deep inside. Blair was the mother of his child. Tea was the woman he wished was the mother of his child. Blair wanted him to be the worst he could be and tried to ensure that by constantly beating him over the head with words of how he was nothing, a nobody. Tea wanted him to better than he ever dreamed by drilling into him how good he was. Blair was night. Tea was day, and what he hoped would be his eternity, his destiny.

After Tea left that morning, or was it early afternoon? He couldn't remember. What he did remember is the incessant ringing of his telephone. First Viki, checking with him as she did everyday and insisting on stopping by to take him to lunch. Then, there was Marcelli, his private investigator calling to tell him he was working on a couple leads to Tea's father. A couple of leads; no solid answers.

He felt so childish in his excitement to see Viki. Similar to an excited child waiting to hear words of kindness spoken by a mentor, a friend, a parent, anyone that cared. If there was one thing about Viki he admired, it was her total honesty. It had been nibbling away at him, trying to figure out where Tea was coming from. If he was imaging that that "thing" between them was still there, or if it actually was, Viki would know. He wanted to hear her take on the situation, her thoughts and her intuition, while he pretended not to be listening. She would guide him in the right direction, tell him what he needed but didn't necessarily want to hear.

He was unaware of what caused his internal power struggle between happiness. He had mood swings that went vastly from one end of the spectrum to the complete opposite end, for no apparent reason. Within seconds one mood would be washed away and another would emerge. It had been happening quite a bit, even more so the past couple of weeks.

Starr, his precious Starr had been absent from his life t for far too long. She was his "best thing," she and Tea were his "best things" and he hadn't been good to either one of them. Viki, kept an eye on Starr. Said she spent time with her every so often and she always talked about him and "Tee." All day, Viki said, she would go on and on about how much fun they used to have and one day they were all going to be a family again. They still had the same goals, Todd and Starr. To have a family bond that was stronger than steel, linked together eternally, not the revolving door that they were both used to. He wanted to ask Viki if there was any way she could bring Starr to New York for a long weekend to spend with both he and Tea. Maybe give her some semblance of family. At they same time, it would give him time to try and make things up to both his girls, show them both how much he loved them. Show them in the best way he knew how.

Viki told him one story about Starr that still made him laugh when he thought about it. Viki had a million stories about Starr, but this was one that stuck out in his mind. She had picked Starr up one day and noticed she was wearing the ring that he had given Tea the second time he proposed to her, or as Viki described it, Great Great Great Great Aunt Ruth's ring. It dangled off Starr's finger like a hula-hoop, but she was adamant about wearing it, promising to be "vewy, vewy careful."

She took Starr to the Palace for lunch and had Renee keep an eye on her while she went to the restroom. Starr insisted that she was a big girl and could sit at the table all by herself. When Viki came back, she stood in the doorway and listened to Starr talking to herself at the table.

"You can have it all. The wedding, the gown, that thing in front of your face?music?I love you Tea."

Viki noticed that she had taken the ring off and was beginning to slide it back onto her ring finger. Starr looked so proud of herself, so happy at that moment. Viki walked back to the table and asked her what she was doing. In a very grown-up tone she explained she was "propositioning" herself.

"You mean proposing?"

"Yes Aunt Viki. Tee told me about the time daddy pro-posed to her at the Palace like a real live Princess. Tee said that daddy got down on one knee and told everybody how much he loved her. And you know what Aunt Viki?"

"What?"

"She said I should wait and find somebody that loves me as much as daddy loves her. She said that was the happiest day of her life and that now we were going to be a family forever. She even said that maybe she and daddy would give me lots and lots of brothers and sisters 'cause they love each other sooooooo much."

"That's right Starr, your daddy and Tee love each other very much."

"But if they love each other so much, why aren't we all together? I want us to be together again."

"Sweetheart, it's just not in God's plan right now, but that doesn't mean it won't happen. Your daddy and Tee love each other so much, they'll find their way back to each other and back to you."

Todd never realized the full impact that Tea had on Starr's life. Anyone who saw them together usually assumed they were biological mother and daughter, and he wished they were. Their connection was a strong as mother and daughter; often in the night, when Starr had bad dreams, it was Tea's name that she called to rescue her.

Looking at Starr's picture, he had a sudden urge to talk to her if only for a few minutes. He glanced at his watch, nodding to himself. It was late enough in the day that she would be home from school, probably playing dress up with some of Blair's things. He dialed the number to Asa's house, whispering, "Please, please, please answer the phone Starr."

"Buchanan residence," Nigel answered.

"Is Starr there?" Todd asked, making a face into the phone.

"May I tell her who's calling, sir?"

"No, just get her on the phone."

"One moment sir."

Minutes seemed to tick away as he listened to the sounds in the background. He could hear voices fading in and out the background, two people trying to argue quietly. He closed his eyes as he was reminded of being sent to his room and hearing the hushed, angry whispers of his parents. His face crinkled in disgust when he recognized Blair's annoying southern accent saying "no," on the other end. Bothered him when they were married; bothered him even more now that they were divorced. She seemed to shriek and shrill instead of speak. Finally, he heard the phone being picked up and smiled when it was Starr's voice on the other end.

"DADDY!" She screamed into the receiver.

"Hi Starr! How's my little girl?"

"Good. Daddy, when am I going to see you? I miss you so much!"

"I miss you too Shorty. I don't know when you'll see me but I see you every single night when I wish upon a Starr. Things goin' okay?"

"Yeah, I guess. Daddy, I have to go 'cause mommy said she needs to talk to you. I love you."

"I love you too Starr." He wanted to cry because the time was too short and because he missed her early morning hugs and kisses and because all he wanted was to hold her again. There was no chance of that, especially if Blair had anything to say about it. She would undoubtedly scream into the phone about how he dared call "her little girl" after he left her. She would scream about how he's a horrible father and nothing more than a young Peter Manning or Victor Lord or whomever.

"Todd, what are you doing calling her?" Blair yelled into the phone in her usual overdramatic tone.

"What do you mean 'what am I doing calling her?' She's my daughter, Blair. Or have you given her to Max too?"

"What I do with my life and my daughter's life is none of you business. You are the one that abandoned her after all. You and that rent-a-wife you hired."

Todd held the phone away from his ear, drowning out the sound of her voice. The harder he tried not to hear her, the louder her voice seemed to become. In the end, all he heard was, "you'll never see my little girl again," followed by the "clicking" sound of a one-sided conversation?ending.

*****

Early Afternoon

Viki knocked on the door at the exact time she said she would. She was so predictable in her promptness just about everything about her was predictable. She dressed smartly in a cream colored pantsuit with matching suede boots, conservative?and predicable. Todd was ready and waiting when he heard her hand tapping against his door. The first she did was let her eyes roam over him, assessing him and his mood. He looked better than he had in quite awhile. Had a little coloring, his eyes were clear and he smelled freshly showered. She gave him an approving wink, immediately noticing the "pairs" that were lying carelessly around the living room. The "pair" of water glasses, the "pair" of plates, the "pairs" of knives and forks.

"Well, I see someone had company last night."

"So? You ready to go or not?" He asked, deftly avoiding the question, already halfway out the door before she turns to follow him.

*****

Little Italy

Viki had been craving real Italian food ever since she left Llanview. There was no better place to enjoy the rich samplings of Italian cuisine than Little Italy. The streets may have been crowded with rows of tiny little shops and eateries, not to mention mobs of people stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to get a glimpse of something, but it was all worth it. In the heart of Little Italy, nestled in little spaces here and there, were the greatest "finds" the city had to offer.

They settled for a small restaurant called "Michaelangelo's." The scents emitted from the eatery were like a finger, beckoning them toward the piping hot pizza and large helpings of world famous pasta. They fought about everything. Todd wanted to sit in the "smoking" section; Viki did not. Todd wanted to have a booth on the back. Viki requested a table in front, near the window, near the fresh air. He grumpily let her have her way, complaining the entire time.

"You know, Todd, some light would do you some good. You need to spend a little more time in the sun to get you healthy glow back."

"Nothin' about me is healthy. Don't you know that by now?"

"Hardy har har. So tell me, dear brother, what has got you in such a good mood today?" She had carefully watched him all day, trying to figure out what was wrong with him. His "surface" mood was nothing unusual, nor were his biting comments, it was in the way he carried himself. A little more erect he stood. Slightly more confidant. Even a little happy. Though he seemed distracted, he had moments where a smile would peak out from underneath the gruff exterior.

"I'm always in a good mood."

"Uh huh." Viki suspected there was something Todd wanted to tell her; he just wanted her to pull it from him. She imagined him back in high school, passing notes to girl he liked; too shy to approach her face to face. As he sat across from her, so much better than he'd been, she hurt for the lost little boy inside. He was buried again, deep away from the surface "Todd" that beamed before her. She loved him so much more than he'd ever know. Loved him like she loved herself, as if he were a piece of her. Loved him deeply and as unconditionally as one person could love another.

Todd watched the creases in her face fold and contort with the change of expressions. Her mouth smiled, kind of, her eyes filled with water, a bit. Women were and would remain a mystery to him, the way they could laugh and cry at the same time. "Earth to Viki," he said, waving a hand in front of her face.

"Yes, as I was saying, you certainly are in a good mood. You must have seen Tea. Besides Starr, she's the only person that can make you show some teeth."

He grinned in spite of himself. She knew him so well, even though he kept her and everyone else at arm's length. "You've talked to her, right? I mean, do you think there's a chance she might want me back?"

More than anything Viki wanted to tell him "yes." She wanted him to be with Tea. Wanted them to start a family. Wanted Tea to receive just as much from him as she'd given. They were both too wounded by life's cruel games to try again so soon. But she couldn't tell him that. Didn't want to send him back to that place of darkness again.

"Oh, I get it. You don't think she wants me, do you?" Gone from his face was the half smile, a sad frown took its place.

"I didn't say that Todd. I think both of you have some serious issues to work out?alone?before you can try again."

"That's not what I asked you Viki."

"Do I think she might want you back? Todd, I know she loves you very much and I will always hold out hope that the two of you might one day find your way back to one another. Where is this coming from?"

My heart, he thought. "I was just asking that's all."

"So, when you saw her last night, did she give you any indication of where her head is?"

Where her head is? If you were any kind of man, you would've shown her where her head belongs. Psst?give you a hint?it ain't on your shoulder. You could fuck up a wet dream...do you know that? You had every opportunity to get that hot Latina in your bed and what do you do? You cry like a little bitch. I tried to break you in, you little bastard.

Todd covered his ears, but could not block out the sounds of Peter Manning that ripped through the air. Only not everyone could hear it. Just him, as it tormented him again and again. He turned away from the voice, only to hear it even more clearly, more loudly.

You can't get rid of me. You know what's going to happen, don't you? You're going to fuck it up with her again. You're going to try to give her what she wants, you're going to try to fuck her and I'm going to be right there. I'm going to be in control and you won't feel a goddamned thing. But she'll feel something, alright. She'll feel me and I can do any fucking thing I want to her. And where will you be? Probably somewhere crying while I do?whatever?I?want.

"Todd?" Viki sensed he was with her in body only. His mind had traveled to some far off place where he was being tortured. His head turned this way and that, like he was trying to avoid something. "Todd, come back."

"I'm here. I'm here." He had begun to perspire a little; his face was flushed. "What did you say? What did you want?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine. You asked me about Tea? Something about her?what?"

"Breathe, just breathe. It's okay, you're safe here." She reached for his hand but he snatched it back too quickly. "What's going on with you?"

"Nothing. You asked me something about Tea? What was it?" He struggled to breathe normally and discreetly left his finger on his racing pulse.

"I asked you if she gave you any indication of where her head was at?"

"I don't know. We talked all night. She's been hurt bad Viki, and I didn't make things better by doin' everything I did to her. I wish I could take it all back."

"We all have things in our life that we want to take back. That's why we don't make mistakes; we learn lessons. It wasn't the right time for the two of you, that's all."

"You always say things like that but I didn't learn anything. I just kept hurting her over and over again."

"But you're not hurting her now, are you? It sounds like you're working on being friends and that's the best way to start over. Give it time. Give her time Todd. Work on yourself first."

"Viki, what if I don't have much time left?"

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