| RUNNING ON EMPTY BY TORRI |
CHAPTER 48 |
Chapter 48
The whole night had been somewhat like a surreal experience. Todd had never told anyone the things he told Tea that night. She had never opened up to anyone the way she did with him. They both knew that it was a bonding experience, binding them even more tightly together if only as friends, forever.
It didn't feel like they had been awake all night, talking, crying and talking some more. In fact, it seemed like quite the opposite. They were rejuvenated; standing a little taller once some of their pain had been lifted from their shoulders. As the day progressed, sadness washed over them both. As Tea's cell phone began to ring, they both knew it had to end. If they didn't join the "real world," the "real world" would swoop down upon them.
They sat on the couch, very near one another, relaxed and tranquil. It was the only peace that either had known in a long, long time. His arm was fully extended behind her. Her head was resting on his shoulder. They stayed that way for what seemed like minutes but in reality it was several hours. Every now and then, he would lift his arm and almost touch her hair. Every now and then, she would turn her head and almost kiss his shoulder. Both resisted temptation and enjoyed the moments.
It was Tea who looked at the clock with the big green number eleven flashing in front of them. It was Tea who answered her cell phone the fifth time it rang, ignoring it the other four. It was Tea's secretary told her she needed to get into the office because she was late for an appointment.
"Shit," she mumbled after hanging up the phone.
"You gotta go?" The moment was ruined as soon as she lifted her head from his shoulder and his arm returned to his side. It was over.
"Yes. I forgot all about an appointment I had this morning. Listen-"
"No, forget it. You go back to your life and I'll get back to what's left of mine." The way he said it, so hopeless, it broke her heart all over again. It was his turn to turn his back on her and go over to the window. If he jumped, he would be free. So free, flying through the wind. He shook the thought from his head and stared out into the endless sky.
"Todd, don't be like that. Last night was very special to both of us. Let's hang onto that, okay? I'm so sorry, I hate to leave you like this, but I have to get to that appointment. Are you going to be all right? Do you want me to call you later?"
I don't know any other way to be. Go ahead...leave. They always leave me. I'm nothing. I'm nobody. Go ahead, leave me to my own pain and suffering.
"Todd, I'll call you later. Take care of yourself and if you need anything, anything at all, call me anytime."
"Yeah. You better get going," he said. Then, as an afterthought, added a "thanks."
When she quietly closed the door behind her, and he was sure that she was gone, he allowed a couple of tears to escape. He didn't know why he was crying, only that he wasn't in control of it. The stereo speakers still emitted the sounds of Wynton Marsalis, but somehow it didn't sound as good. He stood at the window, trying to figure out the meaning of the previous night and if he could possibly have another chance with her.
Tea's Office
Tea rushed into her office, apologizing for being late. She explained how unlike her it was to miss or be late for anything. To look at her, no one would have ever known she had anything other than a wonderful night and a beautiful morning. In fact, she looked vibrant and full of life. Only Caitlin had any inkling that something was wrong with Tea, not because of the way she appeared, but the uncharacteristic tardiness gave her away.
"Again, I am so sorry Louis. I've been trying to do a million things at once and time just got away from me. Rest assured, this will be the last time this happens." She closed the door to her office behind her, talking rapidly the entire time. "Would you like anything? I have coffee, tea, and if you would like an espresso or something like that, I can send Caitlin to Starbucks. Have you eaten? I can send out for lunch."
Louis was a businessman caught in a nasty sexual harassment lawsuit by his former secretary. He hired Tea because she came highly recommended by some of his colleagues. He had known her a little by reputation, mostly because of a big case she worked on with Sam Rappaport. If anyone found a way to get a guilty as sin Todd Manning off from holding 14 people hostage, she could certainly get him off on some sexual harassment charge. It didn't hurt that she was a woman. It also didn't hurt that she was a minority. In fact, both things could only help paint him as the open minded, compassionate businessman. All he had to do was keep his true feelings inside.
The people closest to him knew his loathing of woman, especially those that were minorities. He loved to use them to get what he wanted. Tea was the kind of woman he hated the most, one in power, one that was beautiful, one that was ambitious and one that succeeded in a male dominated field. As she tried to explain her tardiness, and the more he looked at her, the more convinced he became that women like her did more harm than good.
Tea got bad vibes from Louis as soon as she saw him. Something about him made her want to run out of her office and fast as she could. It could have been his smile, forced and without soul. It could have been what way he looked down on her, literally and figuratively. At any rate, her antennae went up immediately and she knew, without a doubt, that this case was going to be an emotional struggle for her. She sat behind her desk, grabbed a legal pad and wrote his name at the top of the sheet. "Okay, Louis. Again, I am very sorry-"
"Save it Ms. Delgado. Look, the only reason I'm here is because you come highly recommended by some of my friends. I hope I did not make a mistake by coming to you."
"Excuse me? The first thing you are going to learn if I decide to represent you, is that you will in no way disrespect me at this time, or any time in the future. Is that clear?" When he did not respond, she took that as a "yes." "Now that we've got that out of the way, let me tell you why I come so highly recommended. I received my law degree from NYU and immediately went to work for one of the most prestigious firms in Manhattan. At that firm, I was on the fast track to 'partner,' I gave that up when a case in Pennsylvania caught my attention. I decided to move there and work on a few other cases. I won every one of those, just as I had won every case I had been involved in, in Manhattan. I have practiced both criminal and civil law and I've worked for the defense and the prosecution. I decided to move back to New York and open my own practice. I have never lost a case and I don't plan on ending my winning streak anytime soon."
"I know about the cases in Llanview. I believe one was a custody suit and another was a kidnapping or hostage case? As I understand it, those cases were both unwinnable."
"Well, you see, they're only 'unwinnable' for lesser attorneys. I am, however, one of the best and I'm sure, when you get you bill, you will see what the best gets paid."
"Was Todd Manning your only client in Llanview? From what the papers had, he's quite a criminal. How'd you manage to pull those off?"
"You shouldn't believe everything you read. Now, let's talk about this case. If we're going to have a working relationship, you have to be one hundred percent honest with me or else I will not represent you. Is that clear?"
"Yes," he agreed, still a little uneasy with her.
Later that Afternoon
Tea studied her notes from her earlier meeting with Louis. She didn't want to represent him. Didn't want to spend one second helping him out of the mess that he'd created. It was only as a favor that she agreed to see him in the first place. Later, she regretted it.
Throughout their meeting, she sensed he wanted to be anywhere but near her. He kept making little cracks about women, forgetting for a moment who he was speaking with. Tea knew he was guilty of harassing his former secretary, everyone could see it after spending any amount of time with him. But she wanted a challenge, and his case definitely fit that bill.
Her mind kept wandering off as her eyes traced the same hand-written line over and over again. She felt so guilty for so many things. She felt guilty because she had avoided Del for days. She felt guilty because she hadn't spoken with Roseanne since she went back to Llanview. She felt guilty for leaving Todd. She felt guilty for leaving her SELF in a spiritual sense.
This case had to potential of revitalizing that part of her that had been dormant for so long. It could lift her spirits, lift her energy, make her fall in love with the law all over again. Most of all, it had to potential of reminding her why she existed. For so long her life had been about school and men and then work and men and then Todd and then nothing. She had lost her SELF.
So deep in thought, she didn't hear Caitlin's soft rapping against the door. Nor did she hear it squeak open, but she did catch the change in light out of the corner of her eye. She looked up from her legal pad into the face of her Assistant.
"Sorry, I was thinking about something."
"That's okay. Do you mind if I take off for the day?"
"No go ahead take off."
Caitlin mumbled a "thanks" and turned around to leave. She stopped herself, wanting yet afraid to ask the questions, which had been bothering her all day. In working for Tea, she began to learn her moods, her habits and her constant quest for the unattainable perfection.
"Yes?" Tea prompted.
"Tea, are you okay? I mean it's not like you to be late or forget about anything. Your brother has been calling here trying to reach you. Your niece called a couple if times. No one had a clue where you were."
"I'm fine." She felt compelled to give more information, vague answers opened things up too wide for interpretation. "Sometimes I need to hide from everyone so I can do some things for me. That's what I was doing last night. I lost track of time, that's all." She wasn't necessarily lying, telling a half-truth maybe, withholding definitely, but not lying. She was hiding from everyone, everyone but Todd.
"Okay. They just seemed really worried, that's all."
"Thanks and I'll see you tomorrow."
Tea's Penthouse Late that Night
Del packed his things the night before and set them by the door. He wanted them to be the first thing Tea saw when she finally decided to come home. Maybe then she would pay attention to someone other than whatever was occupying her mind most of the time and causing her to "forget" about everything around her.
He was more hurt than angry. It had always been the two of them against the world, and now, something came between them. He wanted to be the big brother that she grew up confiding in, not just another person who was allowed just a glimpse of the person behind the facade.
All night, he spent blaming himself for her misery. If only he had been there for her more when she was a child. If only he protected her more. If only he was a better brother when she was older, maybe she wouldn't be where she was. If only he loved her more, she wouldn't have turned to someone like Todd. Maybe she would have been more patient and found a man who would and could love her the way she deserved. If only his job came second to him, instead of becoming his entire world, maybe things would have been different.
It was ironic, he thought to himself many times during the night, how much Tea and Todd were alike. After talking to him earlier, he walked around the city trying to get a "handle" on Todd Manning; group him into some profile category to psychologically pick him apart. Just as he could never place Tea in a category, there was not one for Todd either. They were so different from everyone else, absolute kindred spirits in more ways he could count.
As difficult as it was for him to admit, he could see without a doubt those "little pieces" that caused Tea to fall so deeply in love with him. If Del didn't know his game, he would have felt sympathy for the damaged person who sat in front of him and so obviously loved Tea with everything that he had. A couple of times, he felt a twinge of sadness for him, loving her so much and not being able to be with her. He knew nothing of that kind of love, it only existed in some utopian dream that children have, but he could see why people fight so hard for it. With Todd, Tea is the only one he will let in, will allow to see him vulnerable and scared and loving. With Tea, he is the only person she will drop the shield for, will let touch her spiritually and will let love her completely.
There was no doubt in his mind that their kind of love was destructive in its power. It was too smothering, too damaging, too much to handle. Tea would never get over him, nor would he get over her, but she could move past him if she would just try. That's all he wanted and expected from her - to try. He missed that shimmer in her eyes, that bounce in her step, that walk and attitude that was uniquely hers. Moving beyond, that's all he wanted.
He was thinking of ideas when the phone rang in the early morning hours. He tiredly answered his cell phone only to hear the voice on the other end tell him he was needed back in Washington immediately. Without asking questions, he packed his bags and waited for Tea.
She nearly tripped over them when she opened the door. The first thought in her mind was that she chased him away. She would admit that she had not been the best company as of late and regretted hurting him, but it was no reason for him to leave. They could talk it out.
"Del?" She called from the doorway.
"In here mija," he answered from the guest room. He was sitting in the middle of the bed when she walked in, reading through a case file that was faxed to him.
"Hey. What's going on?"
Flipping over the pile of papers, he patted bed for her to sit next to him. "I got a call from the Bureau. They need me to come back."
"So, you're leaving now?" She was partially relieved and partially felt guilty for avoiding him for so long. She was avoiding him, his questions and his silent judgment. Her mind was tired of trying to figure out where his questions were leading, fatigued from mentally boxing with him. And then she was sad that she was going to be alone. For weeks she had company, it helped keep her sane. It was going to be quiet again; lonely again, she was going to be like Todd in his solitary world.
"Yeah. I should have been gone hours ago but I had a feeling that you would show up here sooner or later." He waited for a reaction to play across her face, but she kept it "poker" straight.
"I'm sorry. I was over a friend's place last night and I lost track of time. When do you think you'll be able to come back? Or is that even in the cards after the way I've treated you these past few days?"
"Don't worry about it. It's that time of year for us; we both needed some time alone I think. Listen, I have to get going. I'll call you as soon as I can, okay?"
"Okay," she smiled sadly at him, realizing that the only man she could trust was walking out of her life. Essentially, that's what he was doing, and he would walk right back in as soon as his case was over.
"I promise I'll keep in better touch, okay? I love you little sister. You take care of yourself and remember, no matter what you may think, you are worthy."
"Of what?"
"Of anything you want." He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. She surprised him when she stood up and hugged him with everything she had.
"I love you too."
