| RUNNING ON EMPTY BY TORRI |
CHAPTER 42 |
Todd's Apartment
The decision to go to him had been an agonizing one. She knew what she wanted to do; from the moment she first heard his urgent sounds on her voice mail. The question was what was the best thing for her. She wanted to be in his presence, but was afraid of falling victim again to his manipulative games. But there was a feeling inside of her that he needed help, and she was the only one that could give it to him. She was aware of her addiction to saving him, running to him, helping him when no one else would. It was also pointless for her to try to ignore her gut, which was yelling at her to "go to him." It was pointless, in fact, to try not to think about him he was an integral part of her being.
She told Del where she was going. Told him she would be back shortly that she was only going to settle that achy feeling in the pit of her stomach. He didn't fight her, or give her dirty looks, or condescend to her he just said "okay," and he meant it. She left him standing at the door, watching after her.
She had no second thoughts once she came do a decision. Her job was to save other people to do what was necessary to get them out of trouble help them. What she was doing for Todd, she would have done for any stranger. In fact, Todd was, in some ways and would always remain, a stranger.
When the cab pulled up to the building, there was a different feeling that washed over her. A kind of fear or urgency...something pushing her to get to him. She went with it; let it lead her to the elevator, up to his floor. Let it control her fist; let it bang against his door. And when he opened it and stood in front of her with an uncharacteristic grin and a looseness she had rarely seen, the fear struck her even harder. A hoarse "hi Todd" was all she could manage.
All he saw at first was her cranberry shirt his favorite color on her. It brought out her eyes, her skin tone all the things he was physically attracted to about her. As his eyes traveled the length of her body, he blinked a couple of times, just to make sure he wasn't having a hallucination if she was, he never wanted to go back to the land of reality. He had no voice not at first.
"Can I come in?" She asked, finally breaking through the awkward silence.
"Yeah, come on in." His words slurred as he tried too hard to not let on that he was drunk. She could smell it on his breath and through his pores. It was in his eyes, their redness and the dark circles that surrounded them. It was in his body language, every move was over exaggerated.
He stepped to the side as she walked in. Stood behind her and watched her confidently stride over to the couch. He used to do that a lot, watch her when she couldn't see him. Study her, memorize her, make love to her in his mind.
"Whatcha doin' here?"
The heat from his eyes burned into her back. It made her a little uncomfortable. Not the looking, but the knowing she could never have him the way she desired him. It was as if they were in high school, sneaking peaks and looks and knowing that they could never take things any further. "I came to see you," she answered, trying to seem unbothered by his drunkenness undaunted by his sexiness.
The alcohol made him brave, gave him confidence, made him invincible. He had a stride she had never seen before. His steps were still long, but there was a swagger in his hips. It was the alcohol. It controlled him; gave him strength to do the things he wouldn't dare try if he was sober. He staggered over to her, plopped onto the couch, sat very near her, almost touching her leg to his.
"II wanted to see how you were doing," she stuttered. He leaned over to her, his breath grazing her shoulder, forcing her own breathing to quicken.
"I'm doin' better now that you're here."
He was too close to her. Made her want to touch him, feel his body on top of her, his tongue inside her mouth, his hands on her breasts. It was a fantasy that they could be together that way, he wouldn't allow, she couldn't allow it for the sake of her own broken heart. She ran. Got up, walked away from him, to the window, where she pretended to look out at the city. "You don't seem like you're doing better," she said, her back to him.
"I don't. Tell me then, how do I seem?"
She could feel the heat from his body all the way across the room. Never had she wanted someone that bad, never had she felt like she could not control herself. She let out a breath, lifting he hair that hung over her eyes. Tried to calm herself, to stop the desire to run into his arms and rock him until she felt okay.
It was almost like the time he tied her to a garden chair, when neither of them had slept for days. After he hit her that one time the only time. Her eyes shut at the memory, she squeezed them tight, nearly squeezing tears out. After she woke up, with her wrists bound together, and she saw him sweaty, and pained from what he had done to her, she wanted him then too. And when he attempted to feed her a ripe, juicy, sweet strawberry, she spit it back at him she wanted him then too. Tasted his salt on it. And when he licked his fingertips and moved his body over her, and when his lips touched hers, she had never wanted him more. Bound, confined, at his mercy, and she wanted him. There they were once again, he was drunk and looking at her in that way and leaning into her and letting her feel his heat all of that and she wanted him still.
"Tea, tell me how I seem," he urged.
"Okay, well, you don't seem drunk you are drunk. You seem loose. You seem desperate. You seem like you're in pain. You seem like you're close to the edge. You seem-"
"Damn, and you can see all that in what five minutes?"
"I know better than anyone else. So tell me, am I accurate?" She was facing him again, looking at that beautiful, pained, tortured face that she had grown to love more than herself. He was looking right back at her, beautiful, pained, tortured face that he had grown to love more than himself.
"Come and sit next to me, Tea. Sit next to me and I'll tell you how accurate you are." He gauged her body for a reaction, saw her exhale, saw her hands go up to her forehead, and brush a few stray strands of hair from her face. He had her.
Without a word, she re-joined him on the couch. Sat far away from him, on the other end, twisted her body so she could put her legs on the furniture. Created a barrier between them. "Okay, so tell me."
"I'm drunk. I'm looser than I've ever been with you. I'm desperate for you. I'm in pain because I can't have you. I'm not just close to the edge...I've fallen over. There's nothing here that can save me."
Silence fell upon the room, so silent that they could only hear their own heart beating. There were the distant sounds of horns and sirens, but they were oblivious to the outside world. They concentrated on each other. She noticed how his eyes caught the light shining in from the city in a certain way, made them appear browner than usual, glossier. He tilted his head closer to her, to where she could get a better look at his expression. He didn't smile, he didn't frown, his face was impassive. But his body slinked against the cushions of the couch, resigned he was to a life in his hell. "Todd you're wrong, you haven't fallen over, you have to decide to save yourself." She spoke to him softly; afraid the sound of her voice would shatter him.
"What if I don't want to save myself? 'Cause I'm thinking, I don't really have much reason," he hesitated, then looked her dead in the eyes, "not anymore."
Not breaking contact, "You'll always have Starr," she said. Starr's name caused a reaction in him, his breath caught, and he moved away from her on the couch.
"Not once she finds out what I really am. I'm sure every little girl wants a father who's a raping, murdering, spousal abusing son of a bitch who walks in and out of her life when it's convenient for him. Oh yeah I'll always have her."
She debated whether or not to attempt to hold him. It was too risky for both of them. She would want more from that, want to give him more comfort, want to kiss all of his pain away and hold him to her breast until morning. He wouldn't let her. He would pull away, scream for her to not touch him and yell, "get the hell away." So she did nothing.
"Not even the incomparable Delgado, the one with all the words, can come up with a way to refute that evidence."
There was something eerie in the air, like he was fishing for something, waiting for her to agree so he could justify giving into the dark impulses that he fought daily to curtail. He wanted her to agree, so he could bury himself in his misery, maybe even bury himself literally. "Todd," she said softly, "you have been a great father to Starr. She loves you so much you know that? When she came to visit me, for that weekend, she told me that you were 'the best daddy in the world, you just couldn't show it.' And she told me that the night of the wedding, after the tape played, that 'you were hurting so bad that you had to go and stop the hurt.' So, you're quite wrong, she loves you, she will always love you."
Her words, as they always had been, soothed him. Tea didn't lie to him ever. He looked into her eyes, searching for a hint of a lie, but all he saw was her concern and honesty. Things should have worked out differently for them. He smiled sadly at her, hanging onto her words of honesty. "Will you?" He asked just as honestly.
"Will I what?" She asked, already knowing the answer.
"Will you always love me? I understand if you won't, 'cause nobody else ever does. They say they love me, then they walk out or betray me or fall out of love with me."
She didn't know how to respond. There was no question that her heart, soul, mind she would always belong to him. She would always love him, be in love with him, desire him more than anything else in the world. Nobody could ever take that away, no matter how much she wanted those feelings to disappear, they wouldn't. Those things that he said those words were the alcohol talking. Todd would never be that open, not unless he was manipulating her in some way.
"Oh, I get it you don't love me anymore, but you don't know how to tell me." He stomped into the kitchen and poured himself another drink. The pain was too much, the knowing that she had turned her back on him too he had to numb himself.
Tea remained on the couch, watching him stagger into the kitchen. There was nothing she could do, no way to reassure him without falling completely back into that "rescue" mode. She thought about her options, lying was not one of them.
The room was so dark. Darkly decorated, unlit, dead. It was a bit like the penthouse before he redecorated for her so cold. She waited patiently for him to come back. He would when he was ready. From where she was sitting, she couldn't quite see what he was doing in the kitchen; only hear various things roughly being handled behind the door. There was a faint sound of his voice. She stretched her neck to hear more clearly.
"Fuck up Todd. Look at you, chased her away again. That's what you get for talking about your feelings and all that shit. All that love is forever bullshit is nothing but a crock of shit and you fell for it. Why would she still love you? Nobody can love you."
Then, there was the sound of a shot glass being slammed against the counter. Her legs would not move...her body was paralyzed against the couch. She waited for him still. Didn't try to force him, didn't try to coerce him waited gathered her thoughts and waited. When he finally came back, she cleared her throat.
"Todd, what we had, I will always carry with me in my heart. Things didn't work out, but those memories that we made, I will cherish them for the rest of my life." She reached for his hands, and held them in her palms. "I told you once that I would always love the man you could be and I will always love the man that you are. No one has ever loved me the way you have never. We just did so much damage to one another that we could never go back to our best times. We've gone our separate ways."
With one quick move, he leaned in and kissed her. Wrapped his arms around her, let the weight of his body push her back against the arm of the sofa. Without her even realizing it, she began to respond. Put her arms around his neck, ran her fingers through his hair desperately. And when she felt his tongue pressing against her lips, she opened her mouth to receive him.
In all the times they had kissed, it was never that unrestrained. They always tied to save something, maybe themselves to keep from losing themselves in one another. His breath tasted of alcohol it didn't matter.
He moved his lips from her mouth and whispered into her ear. "Tea, I love you so much. I love you so much it hurts. I'm dying without you."
She pulled his body into her, as close as she could, and kissed the top of his head. Pulled him into her, held onto him with everything she had. If for only a few minutes, she wanted him to feel her love and, in turn, she needed to feel his love. They clung to each other as if their lives depended on it.
He kissed her lips again and again. Sometimes he slipped his tongue inside her; sometimes he just let his kisses cover her lips. "Tea, don't leave me again. I can't take it," he begged between kisses. He rubbed her back too, stuck his hands beneath her shirt and felt her flesh. "You're so soft. I always wanted to feel you like this. One time just one time I wanted to touch you." His hands roamed all over her body. When he reached around to the front of her shirt and lifted her bra and took her nipple into his fingers and lifted her shirt higher so he could finally admire her breasts without secrecy she pulled away. Pulled away, put her shirt down, got off the couch and paced.
She stopped after a few minutes stopped and faced him. Guilt washed over her because she knew she had allowed things to go too far and that she was going to hurt him and had already hurt him, and because she wanted to feel him move inside her and wanted to be his everything, if only for that one night. In his face, she read his bewilderment, wonder, pain and confusion. And she wanted to take him into her arms and tell him how much she loved him and that her life was nothing without him. And go on and on about how life was so fucked up for both of them and the only constant was their love for one another. She believed it again believed him when he said he loved her. Saw his destruction right in front of her eyes and wanted to take all of that away.
She cleared her throat. "We didn't do anything wrong just now, Todd."
"Then why'd you pull away?"
"I did it for me. Todd, we just can't go back there. We have too much stuff to deal with, separately getting back together would only complicate things."
"How? What's so complicated about me loving you? You're just like the others, right? You're doing this for my own good is that it?"
Tea sat next to him on the couch, reached for his face so he would look at her. "Who am I like?"
"My mom told me she loved me right before she left. She kissed me on my forehead and said she loved me, then turned her back on me. Peter used to tell me he was beating my ass for my own good."
"I am nothing like them I-"
"One time, for my own good, he deprived me of food for three days. Three fucking days and when he finally decided to let me have some scraps that the dog didn't eat, he laced the food with tiny bits of glass. I had to dig the food out of the dog's bowl, search for the pieces of glass and eat what was left and he only gave me five minutes. He said it was for my own good because I was getting fat."
Tea fought the tears for him. Blinked rapidly to keep them from spilling over onto him. "Oh god I didn't know," she said with a shaky voice.
"Yeah, well, that was nothin' compared to some of the other shit he did to me."
"Todd, listen to me okay. I will always, always be here for you no matter what. If you need me, anytime, day or night just call."
"I do need you day and night. I need you all the time."
She slid over to him and took him in her arms. Felt his tears on her arm, but she let him lay there. Rubbed his back and spoke to him. "We shared something so special nobody can take that away from us. There will always be something between us, maybe not romantic, but something."
He stayed wrapped in her arms and he cried into her. Eventually, she felt no more of his tears. Heard no more sounds from him. When she was sure he was sleeping, she eased away from his arms and went into his kitchen. There she found his stash of alcohol, opened them and poured them down the drain.
