| RUNNING ON EMPTY BY TORRI |
CHAPTER 39 |
Jamaica Restaurant Lobby
Tea never thought the sound of someone's voice could have such a dramatic effect on her mood. For almost an entire week, she had meandered through the days and nights, devoid of any human emotions. For almost a week, she allowed her imagination to take over, take her back and fast-forward her through the mess of a life she had made. But with the sound of his voice, all of that seemed to disappear and she was stuck in the present. A place so comfortable, in the embrace of his voice, she wanted to lose herself in that feeling forever.
There were times, during their marriage, that they didn't speak for days on end. They would pass each other on the staircase, but with a simple glance, they would know what the other was thinking and that everything would be alright. She would cling to that, that unspoken connection. It was soothing, the silence reassuring that the world still turned and everything, no matter what, was going to be okay. As a lawyer, she was used to speaking, bending, shaping, molding words to get what she wanted. With Todd, all of that was unnecessary, there were almost never any lies, and the truth that lie behind the eyes. Being alone, away from that comfort, that "reassurance," was practically maddening. And yet they say that which doesn't kill you only serves to make you stronger, but in so many ways she felt she had died long ago.
She concentrated on his breathing, matched her rhythm to his. It was better than meditation, more soothing than yoga. For a long time, they held their phones in silence, content with the sound of breath. She caressed her phone with her right hand; secretly hoping he could feel her touch through the metal. Technology, in all of its advances, hadn't progressed that far. Yet she continued to stroke it, wrapping her warms hands around it.
On his end, Todd lay on his back, staring at the white ceiling. He could hear the ocean that separated them, and his heart beating gently against his chest. He felt alive for the first time in weeks, months even. He didn't feel alone, or abandoned, through the sound of her voice, he felt the slightest hint of love. And he gripped onto it.
His free hand rested on his stomach. He could practically count the ribs that stuck out from his side. The little bit of muscle mass that he had accumulated over the years had all but vanished into thin air. His hand roamed the length of his torso, from his chest down to his belly button, and back up again. He wished it was her body he was touching. Again, his hand traveled up and down his body, so softly, he could barely feel it. His body warmed with excitement, as he imagined her lying next to him.
"Todd," she said softly, breaking the silence, "tell me what's wrong. Talk to me."
Tell her Toddie. You know she'll be on the next plane back here, and on your doorstep before you know it. Play the game with her, if you dare you pussy. Tell her how much you hurt, make the bitch hurt for you and fuck her while she cries.
He squeezed his eyes together tightly, shaking his head, begging his father's ghost to leave him alone. "Nothing, Delgado, nothing. When are you coming back?"
"The day after tomorrow."
"Oh. You having a good time?"
No. I can't breathe here. I can't see straight. Everywhere I turn, I'm reminded of you. Tell me you need me. Give me my escape.
"How can you not have a good time in a paradise like this?" Easy, be in love with someone who could never love you the way you need to be loved.
"Hey, Delgado, you remember when you asked me where we were going on our honeymoon?"
"Yes."
"Well, we were going to Jamaica. We were gonna go there the day after our wedding for two weeks." Didn't want to admit how forward he had been looking to that day, waking up for the first time next to the woman he loved more than life. He had dreamed countless times of watching her as her eyes adjusted to the first morning's light. And hearing that morning bass in her already deep, sexy voice. And seeing her lips form into a smile as she looks at him, stretching her arms high above her head. He dreamed of a million firsts for them, firsts that could never come true.
Tears began to form in her eyes, but she held them back. There were no words her mind was blank.
"You remember when you said you wanted to go to Bali or someplace like that? I figured this would be just as nice, 'cause, you know, you like to dance to that music." He realized he was rambling, figuring the more he talked, the longer he could keep her on the phone. It was pathetic, his need for a woman whom he had deceived time after time, with zero regard to the effect it might have on her. Trust. Why didn't I just trust her?
"I remember," she said simply.
"Yeah, well, that was before everything went screwy."
"Yes, it was. We had some good times, didn't we?"
"Some? We had a lot of good times, Delgado."
Todd had been in his room for quite some time, which worried Viki. It was when he isolated himself that she knew he was in the most danger of slipping back into his old habits. Vowing to herself that she would do everything in her power to keep him from falling down again, she tiptoed down the hall to his bedroom. Pressing her ear against the cold, wooden door, she heard his muffled voice. She opened it a smidgen, and peaked through the crack. Never had she seen him so relaxed, his eyes closed and laying back. As she listened, she heard him mention the name "Delgado," and smiled.
She accidentally stepped on a creaky part of the wood floor, and his eyes flew open. The spell was broken and the scowl returned to his face. She mouthed, "I'm sorry," but it was too late.
"I just wanted to let you know that I was still alive-"
"And kicking," Tea finished.
"Naw, I'm not doing too much kickin'," he vaguely stated. "I guess this is it."
"I guess so." They held on for as long as they could, hanging onto each other through their receivers, still matching breathing rhythms. As Tea hung onto her phone, she could see Del and Roseanne staring at her from their table. "I'll talk to you soon."
"Okay well-"
"Yeah, well just call me if you need anything. Like I said, I'll be back in a couple of days."
He wanted to tell her that what he needed, more than anything, was another chance with her. Otherwise, he felt he might die. He wanted to hang onto her forever, keep her in his arms. "I will. Maybe we can get together when you get back or something."
"Maybe."
"Take care, Tea."
"You take care of yourself too. Bye."
"Bye."
She pressed the "End" button and held the phone close to her breast. Hearing his voice was like a jolt of beautiful reality, or a dream, something she missed dearly. Whether he spoke in his soft, gentle manner, yelled at the top of his lungs, or let the hurt little boy shine through, it all had an affect on her. Not always good either, but just knowing that he was around made her feel safe inside.
She didn't know how she was going to make it through dinner with his words ringing so freshly in her mind. Despite his reassuring words of being "fine," she didn't believe him. Many times, she could feel exactly what he was going through in any given moment, and she felt an uneasy pain in her heart for him. More than broken heartedness, something deeper, something sadder.
Her appetite was lost, but she managed to make herself walk back to the table. As she looked around the restaurant, she felt like she was outside of herself. Her body was moving toward the table, but her mind was a continent away.
"Sorry about that," she said, taking her seat at the table. She was a stranger to her companions and to herself, the real "Tea" was left behind, in New York. New York, where she was safe, where she could blend in with the madness.
"Who was that?" Del asked, daring her to look away from his penetrating stare.
"A friend," she answered, pushing the lettuce from her salad across her plate. She held his gaze, like two magnets they stayed glued to each other.
"Was a time when family came before friends. You never used to leave the dinner table for 'friends,' so it's got to me more than that."
She stared at him even longer and harder, pissed at his daring to question her loyalty. She wanted to shout that the family didn't come first with him when he ran away to join the FBI and didn't contact her for months at a time. She wanted to yell that family didn't come first when he let their father nearly beat her to death. Family certainly didn't come first when she begged him, begged him to help her find Todd when he first left town, just to make sure that he was okay.
As if reading her mind, he backed down with a heavy sigh. Experience taught him when to back down from her, or else risk alienating her completely and feeling the wrath of her fury.
*****
New York Todd's Apartment
"You can quit pretending not to be eavesdropping now," Todd yelled through the partially cracked door. A part of him felt alive again, but he knew it was temporary. Eventually, the memory of the conversation and the tone in her voice would fade away, and he would be left with nothing.
Viki eased into the room, assessing his mood before even thinking of stepping inside. When she was sure no objects would come flying in her direction, she entered completely, and sat next to him on the bed. The lines in his face were hidden by a certain serenity that she had rarely witnessed. He didn't look so scared, or scary, almost appeared to be at peace. Knowing him the way she did, she knew it was only a phase, like that of the moon, and shortly he would be back to his old, hurt and hurtful ways. "I wasn't eavesdropping, really. I was merely coming to see if you needed anything and I waited out in the hallway for you to finish your conversation."
"Yeah, right, and I'm the Queen of Sheba."
"Shall I bow to you, your majesty?" She joked. He smiled briefly back at her, then turned his back. "Tea?"
Just hearing her name made his stomach lurch to his throat. He didn't hear that name often, but when he did, it always made him sad. Sad for what he'd blown. Sad for what he'd never know again. Made it ever more apparent that he really had nothing in life, not even a life really. Just a pair of lungs that, for whatever reason, kept inflating and deflating. He wished someone would take a pin to them, make it impossible for him to ever breathe again. It was too much work, living was. Waking up in the morning, so simple for everyone else, was such a task for him. Her name, so simple, caused more pain than a thousand bullets, piercing through his chest.
"Did you tell her what happened?" Viki asked, attempting to stroke his back, the way she used to do her own children when they were agitated, but Todd shrugged her hand away.
"Why the hell should I bother? Delgado has her own life now, and she's probably better off without me. All I ever do is fuck things up for everybody else, just ask her. Ask her how I fucking threw her out in a blizzard because all she wanted to do was love me. Go ahead; ask her about how I squeezed her face with my bare hands all because she wanted to be a real family. No, Viki, I don't think she'd wanna hear about her ex-husband who did nothing but hurt her for three years." His voice was so even as he spoke, it frightened Viki. He was almost too calm, too unaffected.
She had no idea what had gone on behind those penthouse walls during the time Todd and Tea were married. There were times she knew things had gotten really bad between them, when she would run into Tea, still angry and fighting back tears, but when she asked what was wrong, Tea would always reply that things were fine. The things that went on were kept a secret, confined within those walls and the people behind them.
There was one thing she was certain of, no matter how rocky Todd's marriage to Tea became, she was sure that he would not hurt her physically. Not the way he hurt Blair, or Nora, or anyone else, he loved her too much, respected her too much. But with Todd, his anger could flare up at any moment, and before he knew what was going on, it would explode, its fury felt by all those nearest to him. Yet she never, not once, thought he would harm Tea. She was, as Viki had told people on several occasions, his salvation. So hearing what he had done to her, that there was physical abuse, made her sick to her stomach. She tried to massage the truth away from her insides, tried to keep from vomiting, tried to cover her disgust at that moment. Todd wasn't paying attention anyway, and missed the shadow that passed over her face.
He curled up into a little ball, rocking himself slowly. Like he was listening to a slow song, rocking to its rhythm. He was finished talking, so Viki slipped out of the room just as easily as she had slipped in. When he heard the door close behind her, he got up and went into his bathroom. Splashing water against his face, he looked into the mirror at the "hollow man" that reflected back at him. So thin, so discolored and he didn't care. All he wanted was to be left alone to destroy himself in private.
*****
Jamaica An Outdoor Bar
Tea found herself at the bar, against her better judgment. Del had insisted on more alone time with her, insisted, leaving her no choice. The pattern with him was to get her tipsy, to the point where she told him her deepest secrets, forgetting everything she said by morning. At least that's the way it worked when they were younger. She was more in control of herself, just as manipulative and every bit as cunning.
She surprised him by only ordering a glass of juice, citing a headache for her abstinence from alcohol. His frustration brought a smile to her face. There was no question that the conversation was going to become interrogation session for him. His rapid-fire questions could make even the shiftiest of criminals sweat, but not Tea. She was too cool, knew him too well. She would sit back, eye him as if she hadn't a care in the world, and turn each question back on him.
Tea loved his protectiveness of her, at the same time; she loved her freedom from him. Her whole life had been about men, pleasing them, living for them, caring for them. For the first time, she was free to do as she pleased, even if she wasn't pleased with what she was doing. Del wasn't going to take that away from her. No matter how much he disapproved of the life that had chosen her, she wasn't going to let him see how much more pain she had brought into her life.
They sat at the bar quietly, enjoying the music that played around them. It was fairly empty, for an island bar, like one of those yet to be discovered, destined to be a hit sort of places. Around them, there were a few couples, probably natives, happy to escape the heavily trafficked touristy areas.
"I know a secret," Del suddenly said.
"What do you know?" She asked, playing along with his little game.
"I know that you talked to Manning."
She played it cool, tracing the rim of her glass with her finger. She didn't pause or flinch; her finger maintained its movement as she played along. "What makes you think that?"
"A little thing called silence. See, baby, I've watched you and whenever someone brings up his name, you get quiet. That ain't like you."
"I've always had my quiet times, ever since we were kids, I've had my time."
"M-hm." He listened for a change on her breathing pattern there was none. He watched for any sudden movements there were none. He decided to change tactics, to move around back and see if he could find an in. "Okay, say you aren't talking to him. What if I have a secret about him, would you be interested? Or do you want to pretend you don't care?"
She looked into his eyes for the truth, to see if there was a secret about Todd she didn't know. Was it another trick? He flinched, so slightly, no one else could have possibly noticed. "Don't care. Try again."
"Baby, you're so sad now. The last time you were like that, you lost something so precious to you-"
"Don't," she warned.
""I'm sorry, but it hurts to see you like this. I wasn't there for you, if I was, maybe everything would have turned out differently. Maybe he wouldn't have got to you."
"I don't deal in 'maybes' anymore. Maybe doesn't do shit but make room for regret. Look, Del, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but I'm a big girl. I don't need you riding to the rescue every time you think I need saving. I don't. I love you, but I don't need you to save me from anything."
"How about anyone? 'Cause I can remember you coming to me, asking me to save you from yourself. Are you still your worst enemy?"
She stared at him icily. She remember the conversation where she told him that Todd was his own worst enemy, and she was hers. He didn't love her enough to share himself completely. She loved him so much, she forgot about herself in the process. She picked up her drink, shaking the ice cubes against the side of the glass. She drank the rest of it and slammed the empty glass against the counter. "Am I my worst enemy? Hell no. My enemies are those who keep poking and prodding, searching for something that's not there. I AM FINE! If you don't believe me, that's your problem, but don't keep trying to analyze me."
She practically ran out of the bar toward the beach. Her head was screaming at her.
Why can't I get on with my life? Why can't I just piece myself back together and leave the past in the past? What is all this for? I don't understand any of this. HE LEFT ME! HE WALKED OUT ON ME! HE LIED TO ME! HE WOULDN'T TOUCH ME! But why do I feel like I'm the one who did everything wrong?
Mami, are you out there? Are you in the sky, looking down on me? Tell me what to do because I don't know. Tell me how you got over leaving us. Tell me how I can get over it because I don't have a clue. Help me!
