| RUNNING ON EMPTY BY TORRI |
CHAPTER 37 |
Jamaica Tea's Suite
Tea didn't have the opportunity to spend very much time alone, at least in her mind. Del was always there, or Roseanne, or both, conspiring to penetrate her tough veneer. Truthfully, she didn't know what was bothering her. Like everyone, Tea had her good and bad days. Sometimes the bad days were strung together for so long, it seemed as if she would become a permanent resident of depression. Then, there were days she felt like a new woman, or her old self, back when she thought she was worth something. Maybe it wasn't that she felt like she was worth something, maybe it was just that she was better at hiding her inadequacies, even from herself.
Though no one knew it, she often battled depression. Depression that was all consuming. Depression that lasted. Depression that was clinically diagnosed. It was one of those diseases where no one around had to know about it. It could be dressed up, made up, fake laughed away that was how she coped.
Her first diagnosed bout came when she was a teenager. Right after the baby. She found herself it a trance most of the time, going to through the motions without even knowing what she was doing. It was weird how it came on. It wasn't unusual for her to fall into a funk for a couple of days, being teased by the upper class Manhattan society took a lot out of her. What was unusual was for her to drown in it.
She tried everything to dig herself out of the vat of sadness. Moved away from home, listened to music, tried to dance but her body could find no rhythm. She would throw herself down on the ground with no grace, and pure frustration. Abuela made serums from old family recipes, guaranteeing she would soon be out of her "bad little mood." They never worked.
After she the baby was gone, her doctor had suggested she start counseling, but she thought she could handle it. Doctor's were for the emotionally weak; she had dealt with much worse alone. Soon, she thought she was going to go crazy. Could stare at the walls for hours, with the urge to dig her fingernails into the cheap plaster and crawl up the sides like Spiderwoman. Looked at a pot of boiling hot water and wondered what it would feel like to hold her head in it for a few seconds. It would destroy her looks, but it was those very looks that garnered her attention of the boys not her mind. Would cut herself and watch the blood pool around her. As her thoughts became harsher and more realistic and the urges became more pressing, she knew she had to get help.
So, she went to the doctor. Didn't trust her enough to tell her life's story, but trusted her enough to tell bits and pieces. That was when she was diagnosed with depression. The doctor gave her some pills, back then they didn't have Prozac, it was something else. It worked though. She would take them every so often when days went by without a smile.
Since then, she had off and on bouts. There was a time, after an extremely bitter argument with her father that she sank into that same place. There was another time after a bad breakup with a former boyfriend. Once a year, right around the time of her mother's abandonment was particularly bad. But, worst of all was when the entire town of Llanview saw her as a fool, right after Todd left. She refused to take medication, opting instead to just let it run its course.
She knew she was in the midst of another fight. It was different this time, like she had actually resigned herself to the fact that it was her destiny to be miserable. It was, after all, what her father used to call her. "A miserable excuse for a daughter." Maybe he was right and she was just living up to her name.
Del, for all his sweetness, could not understand where she was coming from. He had it hard too, but not like her. She was a kid when she had to take control of the family. She was a kid when her mother's cries would wake her in the middle of the night. He was stronger, physically, emotionally; he was a better person. No matter how hard she tried to explain it, there was no way to make him understand what she could not understand herself.
She saw the signs in Todd that she saw in herself when she was about to slip back into that place of darkness. And no matter what she tried, how tight she tried to hold onto him, he would fall anyway. She would tumble right along with him; pretending to be okay when, in fact, nothing could have been further from the truth.
It never could have worked between them she surmised. Two people, trapped in the darkness, with their guard constantly up, would only keep bumping into each other. Eventually, one would snap and they would both die. In a sense, they both did the moment they separated.
****
New York The Hospital
Todd hated hospitals. He had spent too much time in them, either as a patient or as a pacer, when a loved one was being "experimented on." Hated the smell of them. Hated the doctors. Hated all that damn white that filled the rooms, halls, everywhere around him. Half the patients were going straight to hell; why they decorated it in such a cheerful color, he'd never figure out.
Viki had been good to him even he had to admit. After all the things he'd done, and all the ways he'd hurt her, she was still there. Every chance she had, she told him how much she loved him and how things were going to work out. Almost made him believe, but in order for things to "work out," he needed Tea back in his life.
He hadn't spoken much about her, and Viki hadn't bothered to mention the message that she left on the machine. She wasn't trying to intentionally keep things away from him; it was more for Tea's sake. She didn't want to track her down and ruin her vacation, on account of Todd. He was going to be okay, she'd talk to him when she got back. Besides, it was obvious from her conversations with Tea that she was trying to distance herself from him, no matter how high the cost to her personally. Had to admire and respect that.
They hadn't talked about the incident. It was like they waltzed around it, both knowing the issue had to be discussed but neither willing to be the first to bring it up. Viki would stay in the room with him for hours, in fear of leaving him alone for a second. If it had been a suicide attempt, he would more than likely try it again and again, until he got it right.
The nurse had just finished taking his vitals when Viki decided it was time to talk to him. She watched him for a few minutes as he frowned, switching channels on the television. He cursed under his breath at some sporting event, and kept flipping. She looked at his left hand and saw the faded gold wedding band around his ring finger. She never noticed the tattoo before. They would never be rid of each other. She shook her head and sighed, she'd never before seen two people more stubborn or more in love.
"Todd, we need to talk."
He kept flipping, ignoring her and staring straight ahead. Sentences that began with "we need to talk" scared him. It's what his mother said the night before she left. It's what Tea said time and time again. Talking only ruined things as far as he was concerned.
"Did you try to kill yourself that night in the tub?"
When he remained unresponsive, Viki snatched the remote from his hands and shut the television off.
"Hey," he protested, "I was watching that."
"Well, now you're not. We're going to talk, whether you want to or not. When we are finished, then you may have the television remote back."
He crossed his arms like a spoiled child and poked his lips out. He hated the way Viki always butted into his life his life his o destroy in any way he saw fit. At the same time, she was the mother he never had, lending the guidance he had always needed. It was too little too late.
"Todd, I am well aware of what you have been up to since you left Llanview. I know that you were incredibly hurt by the events that led to your departure, but that is no excuse for you to turn to drugs. They are not the answer."
"What's the question?" She gave him "the" look that a mother would have given an incredibly difficult and sarcastic child. "No, I'm serious. What's the question?"
"Todd, don't try to play games with me. You are my brother, and I love you very much, but I cannot, in good conscience stand back and allow you to destroy your life."
Her capacity to love never ceased to amaze him. He had done unspeakable things to her, and everyone else that he even remotely loved, and here she, loved him. For a brief moment, he felt guilty for all the pain he caused, but then he quickly thought of all the pain that life had caused him. He wanted to hurt the world for everything that had been done to him. And Viki knew that, but she was still around, offering him a chance. "Viki, you don't understand. I had a life, a pretty good one with Tea and Starr, and now I got nothin'."
"So this whole 'phase' you've been going through is about Tea and Starr?"
"Yeah. No. I don't know. It's about the whole world. Everything's just so fucked up. I don't want to be a part of it-"
"So you'd rather help yourself die a slow death? Is that it? Todd, I must tell you that seeing you here, like this, it's breaking my heart. I understand, probably more than most, what you've been through. I've endured many of the same atrocities, but I AM HERE. I made a conscious decision to rise above it and I did."
She did understand more than most. In many ways, the abuses that she suffered were just as bad if not worse. Her father made turned her into a woman it amazed him that she could even allow another man to touch her. Though fractured, she did move past it and managed to live a somewhat normal life. He wasn't like that. He wasn't strong like her, he didn't have that added support, he didn't have a good heart. God wouldn't let someone like him heal; he was destined to spend the rest of his life suffering, drugs only made it easier. "Viki, that's you. You had people around you. You had people that loved you. I live in a city with 8 million people, and all I got is me."
He looked away from her, but she could see the tears in his eyes. She stared at him, thinking how sad it must be to be so hopeless. When she had nothing else, she had hope and faith he didn't even have those things. She wanted to give him at least one of them, at least a little hope, and the only person that could supply that was Tea. Tea was the best thing, besides Starr, that ever happened to him. She could only imagine how devastating losing her must have been for someone as isolated as Todd. She made a decision then, to tell him about the messages that she retrieved from his answering machine. There were three from Tea, each one sounding a little more desperate. In a sense, she was using Tea, but that was the only way she could think of to get through to him. "Todd, I was at your apartment and I listened to your messages."
"So?"
"So, Tea called for you three times." She let her words hang in the air, and could have sworn she saw his chest visibly leap at the mention of her name. She could see the relief in his eyes, and how they softened.
He tried to pretend it didn't matter, that he was okay with living the lonely life of solitude. But Viki knew him better than that, and no matter how hard he tried to hide his feelings for Tea, she could see right through his disguises. The fact was, not since his mother had he trusted a woman with everything he had. The truth was, he didn't want to live without her he didn't want to live at all. Yet he did, with the deep hope that one-day they could fix all that was broken between them and within them.
"She said she'd keep trying to reach you. She's worried Todd."
"Viki, she moved on and so have I." He sounded so unconvincing, even to himself.
"I don't believe that for one minute, Todd. Neither of you have moved on from anything. You've moved around, but you haven't moved on. I suspect neither of you will, but you're both too stubborn to do anything about it. If you want to be a lonely, bitter old man, that's up to you. What I want to discuss is your drug use."
"You should be happy that I have something to take the edge off. You know me when I get a little, how would you put it? Bored? Anxious? Whatever I hurt people." There was no way he was going to allow Viki to walk, back into his life telling him what he could and could not do. She wasn't there when he was a kid, so why the hell was she trying to tell him what to do? He was a grown man, old enough to make his own decisions. He looked at her with his hardened stare. Looked as if he was trying an intimidation tactic, when he was really searching her eyes for something else. He saw her love, her concern, her devotion but he was looking for his mother's eyes. Those understanding eyes that she had. The gaze that could calm him like no other drug he had ever taken. Or like Tea's eyes. Those big, brown shiny eyes that could bring him to his knees in a flash. Those eyes that spoke a language without words, or touches, but touched him like nothing else. Viki, with all her love and compassion, did not have those eyes. So he turned away, crinkling his face.
"Sweetheart, you don't have to hurt people. You don't hurt Starr. Listen, we can get you into some sort of treatment-"
"No! I'm not going to some nuthouse with all those crazy people picking daisies off the wall. People like you go there not me." He was yelling, the machines connected to his chest started beeping and buzzing all around him. The nurses rushed into the room, shoving Viki out of the way, checking his vitals.
She stood off to the side with one hand on her hip, and the other massaging her neck. Too many times she had seen him walking the thin line between sanity and insanity, and she was afraid that he was very close to stepping completely over to the other side.
*****
Jamaica The Hotel Bar
Late in the night, the bar was still crowded with noisy vacationers. They seemed to let loose in a way they couldn't back wherever they came from. It was fun to watch the normally conservative hopping to top of tables and dancing like that hadn't a care in the world. Jamaican alcohol was not to be taken lightly, and most of them regretted it in the morning.
Del and Roseanne had managed to find a semi quiet table in the back corner, where they huddled together like co-conspirators. Or secret lovers. Had she not been pregnant, she would have had one of those potent tropical drinks that would sneak up on you and have you praying to just "make it through the night." She had to settle for an iced tea, but that was fine. She was going to take care of her body and her baby, do everything she could to prevent anything from going wrong.
Del, on the other hand, could throw back a few beers, or a few of anything he chose to drink. By his third beer, he still wasn't drunk, so he ordered a fourth. The vacation hadn't turned out at all like he'd planned. Tea was so isolated from him, he felt as if they were perfect strangers. She did her thing, mostly in silence and often alone. Roseanne spent most of her time in sleeping or eating. Consequently, he spent most of his time by himself, trying to figure out a way to help his girls.
"Things goin' okay between you and Christian?"
She shredded her drink napkin, an old nervous habit. She was afraid of what Del would have to say about her behavior. At the same time, she kind of wanted him to say something along the lines of what a real father would say. "I don't know. I mean, we have a lot to talk about, but I don't know. I love him, I do know that."
"What do you know about love?"
She rolled her eyes at that. Wondered why older people always assumed that young people knew nothing of love. Maybe they knew more. Maybe they were more giving, more trusting because they were untainted by the world. Maybe he had no idea what love really was. "I know what I feel. I know what's in my heart, and my heart has always belonged to Christian."
"I don't know what it is about love and you Delgado women. You don't think about things-"
"Maybe you think too much and that's why you have no idea what it feels like."
Del fell back into his chair, slouching, sighing loudly because what she said was true. He said nothing in response, but felt sad for the feelings he never had.
"Have you heard from my father? I mean, what does he think?"
She was old enough to know the truth that her father had another family that he was supporting. That he was living high off the hug thanks to his shady lifestyle. That he was in love with one person himself. She deserved that much honesty, but he couldn't tell her the truth; so he lied. "I talked to him a couple weeks ago. He said that he loves you and he's was going to try and see you soon."
"Really?" She asked, her voice laced with hope for the relationship she longed to have with him. "He really said that?"
"Yeah." He bit the inside of his mouth as he lied. Hated doing that to her, but she needed something good in her life, and he suspected Christian wasn't it. He drank his beer in silence, watching her face alternate between a wide, toothy grin and a slightly repressed smile. He had failed them both. Roseanne for not being there, or forcing her father to at least talk to her. Tea for allowing her to lose herself in some man that could never be worthy of her. He tipped his mug upwards, swallowing the remainder of his beer. Banging it loudly down on the table, he wondered to himself, how he was going to get them out of the messes they'd made.
