| RUNNING ON EMPTY BY TORRI |
CHAPTER 33 |
"Driver, is there any way that you can get me there faster?" Viki asked, slightly annoyed with the stagnant traffic. The traffic was one of the things she hated most about the city, and if you were in a hurry, forget about it. The laws of nature prohibited a fast arrival anywhere, especially when you were rushing.
After Tea's phone call, she wasted no time getting on the next thing smoking out of Llanview. Something had been bugging her too, more than she was willing to admit. In fact, it was eating away at her. She sensed death, cruel and uncompassionate death waiting for someone she loved.
Why Tea refused to check on him herself, was a mystery. In a way, Viki understood how loving someone so much could tear a person apart from the inside out, and why she would feel the need to stay away, but at the same time, loving someone meant being there when they most needed it. When Todd needed it, Tea was nowhere to be found.
Todd and Tea had always had a complicated relationship, impossible in the eyes of many, but she saw it the first time she saw them together. They may have married under the guise of getting custody of Starr, but after seeing them together, and looking at the way he looked at her, there was no doubt that it was going to grow into something much more. And grow it did. Beyond even her wildest dreams. She watched as they both struggled to deny fate and its mission of putting them together. She watched as they fought themselves and each other with a passion rarely experienced in life. She watched as their separations, no matter how brief or how long tore each other apart. And she watched their relationship destruct because of one stupid lie.
Turtles passed the car as they crept along the congested streets. There were too many people, crammed together on the sidewalks, pushing on with the grain...going with the flow. Her head made contact with the window, as her body grew more tired and her mind more weary as time passed. She had kicked off her shoes as soon as she stepped into the car, and propped her feet up on the seat. It was going to be a rough visit, she knew, and she had to prepare herself emotionally.
Todd was so draining. He was much like a child, in desperate need of attention and affection. He could suck the life out of her, with his feeling sorry for himself, and his blaming the world for everything bad in his life. She didn't blame him, couldn't blame him because in many ways, the world had failed the young boy that he was.
She twisted one of the many rings she wore on her fingers. Fingered the three-carat diamond that she had eyed for so long, until she gave into temptation and bought it for herself. It meant the world to her at the time...not anymore. It was just a thing...things didn't matter. If something happened to it, the insurance company would have it replaced, but there was no replacing her brother. Once he was gone, he was gone, never to return.
Viki rolled down the divider, and leaned forward so she could speak directly in the driver's ear. "Is there another way you can go? I'm really in a hurry."
"Mam, this time of day, every route is clogged. I'm sorry, I'll get you there as fast as I can."
She sank back into the leather seat, closing her eyes and breathing deeply. As she tried to relax herself, the more edgy she became. Repeatedly, she ran her fingers through her hair, and bit the inside of her lip. "Driver, just pull over here and I'll walk the rest of the way," she commanded, slipping on a pair of sneakers from her carry on luggage.
"Mam, do you know how far it is?"
"At this rate, I'll get there faster if I walk. If you could just meet me at the building with my luggage, I'd appreciate it."
With a shrug, he pulled to the side of the road at prepared to open Viki's door. Before he could make it to the other side of the car, she had jumped out and disappeared in line with the rest of the walkers.
*****
Todd's Apartment
The water that surrounded Todd was so warm, embracing his body, filling it with warmth. He could have laid there forever, under water, feeling nothing, not even the ripples around him. Water filled his lungs, traveled up his nostrils and into his chest cavity. Yet he felt nothing.
He was trapped in a dreamlike state, one that he did not want to wake from. He was surrounded by women. His passion and his torment...those who loved him once, and never again...those who would love him forever. As he looked at each and every one of them, as his eyes roamed from one tear-stained face, all he wanted to do was run to them.
It was his mother, Marty, Viki, Tea, Starr, all pleading with him to not give up. Their arms were extended toward him, as bright whiteness wrapped around them. It was impossible to believe that they were there for him, after all he had done. He looked at his mother; with her head tilted and a small smile adorning her face. He looked at Marty, with no anger in her expression, only quiet forgiveness. He looked at Viki, sympathy trapped in the crinkles of her face. He looked at Tea, with more love than he ever imagined shining in her eyes. He looked at Starr, eyes bright, smile wide, touching him like only she could do.
He saw all of them, and felt their love. Maybe it was in the water, but his heart filled with a joy he had never known. He didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay there, with the women, the women who had touched his very soul.
*****
A Restaurant Jamaica
Tea stayed in the bathroom for a long time, splashing water on her face and staring in the mirror. Her gut was splitting, trying to tell her that something was wrong. The more water she threw on her face, the more her side hurt. The more her side her, the harder it became for her to breathe. The harder it was for her to breathe, the less wind her lungs took in, shortening her breath.
The face in the mirror did not belong to her. The woman looked too worn, too sad, too angry. But she knew it was her, mixed up, broken-hearted, broken...period.
"What's going on with you Tea?" She asked her reflection. It didn't answer despite her icy stare. As she studied her features, she saw the face of her mother. The look she wore right before she left the family. The same hopelessness. The same tiredness. The same.
Todd's face flashed before her like a bolt of lightening. As plain as day, she saw those eyes staring back at her, shiny with unshed tears, drooping at the corners with hurt. He lay in front of her, with his knees lifted to his chest, begging her for help with the words that they never needed, but the looks that only they shared.
"Damn it", she said, looking for her cell phone. It was back at the table, inside her purse, turned off.
*****
Todd's Apartment Building
Misty had taken the same route many times up to Todd's apartment. A brief wave to the doorman, and she was on her way to the thirteenth floor. He had grown used to seeing her there, wearing next to nothing and diamonds dripping from her ears. He always saw her go in, step into the elevator, and come out hours later with a satisfied grin on her face. She resembled a high priced prostitute, whose clients were the who's who of New York society. But it wasn't his job to keep tabs on the renters, just to open the doors...he saw nothing, he said nothing.
She bounced into the elevator, giddy at the mere thought of being near Todd again. Eventually, she was going to get him to reciprocate her feelings for him, no matter what it took. Since she had no job, it became her life's mission.
There was no way a woman like little Tea "I Wanna Be White" Delgado was going to possess something that she wanted. She was nothing more than the drunk janitor's daughter, a lowlife, a...peasant. The complete opposite of her. Any man in his right mind would turn away from the Tea Delgado's of the world in favor of the Misty's. Then again, Todd wasn't any man. He was the man, the man she had always wanted.
She would take his mind off Tea. Make him dispose of the picture he kept of her in his wallet, and the one in his dresser drawer, and the one turned face down on his entertainment center. She would make him throw away all of his memories, and he would be saying her name as he reached the height of his pleasure.
She smiled to herself...it was only a matter of time. The elevator dinged, just as the doors opened. The halls were empty, as her heals reverberated through the hollowness. She knocked on his door lightly, then harder, until her fist began to bang against the wood.
"Be here, be here", she whispered. Minutes passed before she gave up and dug in her purse for the spare set of keys. Sneaky one, that she was, had an extra set made, in case she decided to surprise him someday.
*****
By the time Viki reached his apartment building, the façade of the conservative newspaper publisher had completely disappeared. Her hair stuck to her forehead, dripping with beads of sweat. Her jacket was damp; her shirt stuck to her body. She was definitely not the picture of coolness.
She couldn't move fast enough. Her feet felt like they were stuck in quicksand, as she fought against the grain of eight million people. She would not be deterred, kept her focus, skipping politeness and pushing when necessary. The city brought out the absolute worst in her.
Tea had told her which apartment was his, which floor, which number. As she reached the thirteenth floor, a cold chill sent a shiver through her body. It was as if a dark cloud passed overhead, blocking the sun, blocking God in a sense.
Her body took off down the hall. Took off again when she realized she was going in the wrong direction. Doubled back, turned this corner and that, followed the scream she heard coming from one of the apartments. She didn't have to look at the number to know something awful had happened to her brother.
The door was unlocked when she twisted the knob. Like the mother she was, taught to deal with almost any situation, she barreled through the rooms until she found him. In all her years of parenting, nothing prepared her for the sight of someone so dear to her, blue, unmoving, unbreathing.
*****
Tea's Room Jamaica
A breeze blew in from the ocean, filling the air with a salty, yet fresh scent. Arousing, it was. As Tea entered the room, she had a strange sense of coldness cover her body, brief, yet powerful. She shrugged it off; as she did most nudges that something was wrong. Her room key clanged on the table, as she tossed it against the glass surface.
She needed that time alone. Time without Del, Roseanne and their prying eyes. Space, to cry if she wanted, dance if she needed, walk if the sand called to her. She did all three. Cried for her pathetic existence. Shed tears, which she had been saving for a "special occasion", and with loneliness, there was no occasion more special. Danced to the music that oozed from the club, over her balcony, and into her room. Walked along the most deserted part of the beach that she could find.
As soon as her feet hit the sand, she felt a sort of comfort from it. Like she was getting back to her roots somehow, closer to her mother. She thought of Annarosa, growing up in Puerto Rico, running along the hot beaches day in and day out. The cute little girl with pigtails, filled with hope for a better tomorrow, unknowingly hoping for better, when better would never come. In the open, she saw the stars, traced the constellations with her eyes. Identified Cassiopeia, the "Dippers" and all the others that filled the night sky. She listened as the water beat against the beach, and had the urge to run from it. An avid swimmer as a youth, it surprised her how much she did not want to run and jump in, instead she wanted to run far away from it.
Her feet took control over her head. They led her, barefooted, over jagged pieces of glass, broken shells, small sea animals. She felt nothing painful, nothing peaceful either; more like she just felt. A broken shell, cut jagged from life's cruel curveballs. Small she was in the grand scheme of things, but she felt as if she bore the weight of the universe on her tiny shoulders.
She began to talk to herself, or the "Being" that everyone spoke to in the sky. She wasn't aware of what she was saying; simply speaking whatever came to mind. "This is supposed to be a vacation, but why do I feel so guilty for leaving? I can't deal with your insinuations, or your intuitions, or whatever you want to call them. Why did you give me this life? What am I supposed to get out of it besides a broken heart? First my mother, then my father, my kid, my brother, my husband...where does it all end? Why do some people have it so easy? Why are you so damned hard on me?"
Her foot made contact with a rock, which she picked up. It was smooth in the bottom, smooth as fresh cut glass, shimmering. She let her fingers explore the wonder, a piece that had obviously broken off from something much bigger. She had broken off too, but she couldn't find the other pieces of herself. She was shattered. She reached far behind her, hurling the rock as far as she could toward the ocean. With the light of the full moon, she was able to follow it with her eyes as it bounced one...two...three times before sinking to the bottom of the ocean.
"Damn you!" She screamed; her voice lost in the vastness of the outdoors.
Mami are you watching over me? Have I disappointed you? I feel so alone out here. I have made such a mess of my life, and I have no idea how to fix it. It's probably not fixable. They should just hang a sign on me..."broken beyond repair". That'd be perfect.
It was ridiculous, she knew, to still crave the affection of a mother after all those years. But she did, every now and then, need a mother's hug. She and Todd were alike in that way, and so many others, which neither would ever admit.
Todd. Her mind always went back to him. She wanted to call him, to check on him, to hear his voice, but she resisted temptation. He was the one thing she could never have; though loving him was what she wanted most on earth. When they were together, she felt like she had a purpose on earth. She was supposed to love him and his daughter. They were supposed to raise a family together, have the two-car garage, the Springer spaniel and all that other stuff that "normal" families had. Between the two of them, nothing was ever normal, and that wasn't necessarily bad. What was bad was that they could never overcome the things that haunted them most, and use each other as a comfort, as a rock.
*****
Todd's Apartment
"Oh my God", Viki shouted as she stepped into the soaking wet bathroom. "Oh my God", she repeated, shoving a panicked Misty out of the way and lifting Todd out of the tub. "Call 911!"
More water covered the floor, as she pulled Todd over the side and onto the soaking wet floor. He was blue. His eyes were shut. His pulse was very weak. "Don't you die on me, Todd. Don't you dare give up now!"
Misty stood in the hallway, a nervous wreck. She never had to deal with anything like that before; she never had to deal with anything. Everything went so wrong with the night. All she wanted to do was be with him again, but when she searched his apartment for him, all she found was an unconscious Todd drowning.
Viki stood vigil over him. He was breathing, shallowly, but breathing just the same. "God, don't take him from me now. He's too precious to leave me now. Give him another chance, heavenly father. Please, I beg of you, don't take him away."
*****
Todd could hear the things going on around him. He could feel Viki's hands pounding on his chest, taking a pulse reading from his wrist, shaking him lightly. Though he was naked, he didn't feel the overwhelming urge to cover up.
He was too caught up in what was going on in his mind. Light and dark were dancing around him. Tunnels were leading every which way. Voices were chattering from all directions. It was confusing, enthralling, and downright scary. He was alone in the middle of a dark corridor, spinning around in one spot, unsure of where to go next.
Come on Toddie. You mama's boy sonofabitch. You come and be with your old daddy, the way we both like it.
Thomas, don't listen to him. You're safe, sweetheart. He can't hurt you anymore. You can turn around; you can go back and live your life without fear.
Toddie, you gonna listen to that bitch? Hell, I kicked her ass for sport...ain't that right?
Thomas, not yet.
He wanted to be with his mother again. Wanted to catch up on all that he'd missed. Yet there she was, telling him to go back, to turn around and live. Giving him up yet again.
*****
Tea's Hotel Room Jamaica
She had wandered around for hours alone on the beach. By the time she retraced her steps, the lovers were gone, the animals were silent and the waves seemed to have settled for the night. She was full of energy, her mind was not quiet and she would not settle down for the night.
"I thought maybe you'd run back to New York to whatever it is that's got you messed up in the head." Del was sitting in the dark, on her couch, looking cool and comfortable.
"God, what are you doing here?" Tea asked, sitting on the floor in front of him and leaning back. Just like when they were kids, he began to message her shoulders.
"Roseanne is sleep for the night, so I thought maybe I could spend some time with you. So tell me, chica, what were you doing alone so late at night?"
"Nothing, walking mostly".
"And thinking about what?"
She gave herself away when she hunched up her shoulders. He knew immediately, the next thing that was going to come out of her mouth was a lie. "I wasn't thinking, I was just walking and enjoying the atmosphere."
"You're a bad liar, you know that?"
She sprang to her feet, whirled around and was ready to read him the riot act. Until she noticed the "I gotcha" look on his face. The cocky little grin when he got exactly what he wanted, which was to get her to lose control. When she lost control, she spilled her guts. "I'm not lying," she stated calmly.
"Yeah, right. So tell me, what's going on in your life that kept you away from home for three weeks?"
Damn you, Roseanne.
