| RUNNING ON EMPTY BY TORRI |
CHAPTER 31 |
Todd was lost deep inside himself, deeper than usual. Seeing things that weren't there, talking to his hallucinations. His father haunted him, taunted him with his harsh dares and his not so gentle teases. Tea consumed him. The idea of her love balanced the pure hatred of his father. Neither he could seem to rid himself of. Tea owned his heart, his father owned his soul, and constantly reminded him in his dreams. It was too much to handle, even for him. Suicide had crossed his mind on several occasions, but in the end, it was not a viable option. As Tea once told him, it was the way he would be remembered...as a coward. After surviving his tortuous childhood, he could have been called many things, but a coward was not one of them.
His world had turned into a dreamland. A world that was completely uncontrolled and violent, if only in his head. He wasn't violent with Tea in his dreams, quite the opposite, but the result was the same...she saw the real Todd and vanished without a trace. Before the smoke even cleared, Peter was there again to remind him of his inadequacies.
If he could have called her and heard her voice, he thought he would be calmed. She would be the one to bring him back from the darkness. After all, music did soothe the savage beast, and he was definitely a beast and savage at times. He had no idea what he would say. If it would be a casual conversation, or if he would be able speak at all. Most likely, he thought, he would break down at the first sound of her voice.
*****
Tea's Penthouse
There were no sounds to be heard when Tea snuck into the penthouse during the wee hours of the morning. She had been spending less and less time at what she called home, but was really a place where she felt very uncomfortable. It wasn't always that way. She used to love it, love the fact that she had risen to the level that was once occupied by the white people. It was what she strived for, and once she reached the pinnacle, it became unimportant, and just another meaningless "thing."
If she was honest with herself, she would admit that it was after Todd left, that the experience changed for her. Everywhere she looked, there was something to remind her of him. She would look at one of her kitchen chairs and see his sad face staring back at her. One night, she even found one of his beloved t-shirts in with her dirty clothes. She took it out, folded it up and placed it underneath her pillow. It was the closest she'd ever allow herself to go to him again.
The sun had just began to peak over the obscured horizon when she entered her bedroom. She hadn't even begun to pack for the trip that she didn't want to take in the first place. An island trip sounded nice, but it meant nothing, as it could not bring her any sort of happiness. She was doomed to be miserable for the rest of her life, and no amount of time spent in so-called paradise could change that.
Normally, she would have had her things packed and organized long before the scheduled departure. But she could not get herself motivated. There were too many things to do...the office...well...that's all there really was. There was the casual sex element, but lately, she hadn't the same urges. Her heart was heavy with something unidentifiable.
As she roamed around her bedroom, making a mental "to-do" checklist, she felt a weirdness in her body. Pushing it down, she lugged her suitcases from the closet and blindly shoved her clothes inside. She stopped for a moment, and took a breath. This trip was supposed to be a dream come true, a childhood fantasy come true, but it meant nothing.
What the hell are you doing? You're going to the Caribbean for a week...a whole week. You haven't had a vacation in years. You were always too busy doing this, or working for this person. Your damn husband was always in so much trouble, he couldn't leave the country half the time. Pull yourself together Delgado, enjoy yourself.
"What's there to enjoy?" She asked aloud.
*****
Roseanne had been in a better mood, more open, more talkative, especially since she found out they would be traveling with Del. They had a close relationship, more like father and daughter, than uncle and niece. It wasn't the same as having her real father doting on her, but it felt good nonetheless. She had her things packed, almost from the moment she found out they were going on a trip.
She had talked to Christian, briefly, about the child she decided to carry to term. She didn't give him to opportunity to try and talk her out of it, she told him what she was going to do and gave him the option of being involved or not. He chose to be involved. Mutually, they decided that she would return to Llanview after her trip.
It was going to be a rough road with Christian, one she was no longer sure she wanted to travel. It only took being around Tea to realize that one person's love is not always enough. She would love Christian until the day she died, she was sure of it, but if he refused to return her affection, there was not point in putting herself through hell to try and make a man love her. That was the mistake Tea made time and time again. Love had destroyed her beyond repair.
She watched Tea from the bedroom entryway, tossing her clothes carelessly into her suitcase. It was so unlike her. She usually took time to carefully fold everything, directly on the creases, ignoring the fact that they would only get wrinkled on the plane.
"Hey, Tea, you need some help?"
"Huh?" Tea asked, shaken from her thoughts. "Oh, I think I have it. Thanks anyway."
Roseanne took a couple of steps forward, keeping a close eye on her. "You are so sad Tea. What's wrong?" She didn't need to ask, it was written all over her face and her body. So that's what a broken heart looks like?
"Nothing," she lied, "I just have so much work to do. I shouldn't be going anywhere right now, but I promised Del."
"Tea, this is more than work."
"No, I swear. I'm just a little overwhelmed."
"Uh huh."
"Have you heard from Del? He said he would call when he was on his way and he should have left by now." Like the sly attorney, she skillfully slipped from one subject to the next. As she deflected attention from herself, she couldn't help the feeling in the pit of her stomach telling her that something was wrong. It was nauseating, and felt much like a parasite feasting on her insides. She bent over, clutching her stomach, but not from physical pain.
"What's wrong?" Roseanne rushed to her side, helping her maintain her balance.
"I don't know," she answered, plopping down on the bed. Her head felt like it was spinning, or it may have been the room, she didn't know which. Whatever it was, passed just as quickly as it came over her. "Woo," she said, standing back up, "I don't know what that was."
"I think you need to go to the doctor instead of going on this trip."
She couldn't go back to her doctor. He reminded her of the three weeks she spent with Todd, taking care of him, loving him more than life itself. And then, it was over, but the feelings never left. They would never go away.
Life could not have dealt her a worse hand if it tried. People say that physical abuse leaves scars but emotional abuse can be overcome. They were dead wrong. There were scars that ran deep and wide, infected with puss and dirt and bacteria. Those wounds couldn't be healed with a dab of peroxide; coco butter couldn't lighten it. No, they lasted forever, with Band-Aids placed over them. That's what she was, emotionally abused. She could dress up, put on the makeup heals, nice dress, and look like she was the happiest woman on earth, when inside she was just the opposite.
A break was, in a way, exactly what she needed. Too many hours she had spent staring out into the city, dreaming of what should have been. Too many hours she had spent in its coldness, alone and lonely. She needed to get out, if only for a few days.
Roseanne, who had been muttering something, suddenly yelled, "I got it," and bounced from the room.
Tea heard voices from the other room, excited voices. She continued to pack, throwing things in the bag she knew she would never use. Frustrated, she pulled a few things out, then put them back in, finally deciding forego packing altogether and buy what she needed once they got to the island. They would arrive early enough in the day to allow her to get whatever she wanted, and still make it back in time for dinner.
"Hey, hey," Del spoke from behind her. He put his arms around her waist, from behind, the way she always did, causing her to jump. "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing...I'm just...nothing. How are you?" She asked, turning around to hug him. His arms were so strong and protective, exactly what she needed. He held onto her, maybe a little to tightly, squeezing a little too long. It was a big brother hug, filled with understanding and love.
"I'm better now that I see you. You all set?"
"Yes. I decided to go shopping once we get there. This is all I have," she said, pointing to a small carryon bag and her laptop computer. She looked up at him, the face of her protector. For years she woke up from a nightmare, running into another room and he held his arms open for her.
"Okay, let's go."
She followed him out of the bedroom, mentally going over her "to do" list. She had forgotten to do one thing, the first item on her list and the one she had been saving for last...she had to call Todd. Just in case he called and needed something, she wanted him to know she would be away. Just in case, she kept telling herself, he got hurt again. There were so many "just in cases" with him, she could have gone on forever. What she really wanted was to hear his voice and know that he was okay. He had been eating away at her, in her heart, in her intuition. She didn't trust it though, not when it came to him. She thought that maybe her love for him was what she felt, not her intuition.
Call him one last time. What if there's an emergency and he can't get in touch with you? You know he probably doesn't have any friends, who will they contact? Tell him where you're going. Don't shut him out completely...he needs you.
"Tea, what are you doing?" Del asked, turning around to see her standing still in the middle of the hallway.
Her mind was across town somewhere, thinking of Todd. A part of her would always belong to him, that part deep inside where no one else had ever been allowed. Which was why she couldn't pull herself completely away from him. But, for her own sanity, she had to let him go.
"Tea, come on. We're gonna be late," Roseanne said, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her from where her feet stood frozen.
"Wait," she snapped. "I have to make one quick phone call. I'll meet you guys down in the lobby."
Before they could protest, she disappeared down the hall into her bedroom. Intuition was eating away at her, and wouldn't let her rest until she listened to it. She did the only thing she knew to help ease her worries...called Viki.
She picked up the phone on the first ring, taking Tea a little off guard. It never became easier, talking to someone whose family she once belonged to.
"Hi, Viki, it's Tea. How are you?"
"Tea. I'm fine. And you?"
"I'm okay. You haven't, buy any chance, talked to Todd recently, have you?" Her heart beat loudly in the background, threatening to jump through her chest. It always did that when she was scared, skipped a beat and pounded loudly against her chest.
"As a matter of fact, I have."
She let out a long sigh of relief. At least he was alive. "Is he okay?"
"Well, you know Todd. He says he's okay, but we really know he is never really okay. Tea, is something wrong? You sound worried."
She didn't want to alarm Viki, but all kinds of bells and whistles and sirens were going off in her head. "I just have a feeling that I can't shake. I, I don't know, but something doesn't feel right."
"I spoke to him a couple of days ago and he sounded very depressed and very tired." She left out the part about his seeming drunk off something or high on something else. She couldn't let Tea be sucked back into Todd's life, especially when she seemed to be breaking away into her own life. She wanted them together, more than anything, but they were going to kill each other.
"Oh, Viki. I had hoped he would be doing better by now. God, can he ever get a break?" She asked, staring at the heavens. They were too similar, "breaks" never happened to them. It was one crisis right after the other with no time to rest in between.
"May I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Have your feelings for Todd changed? You seem to really care for him still, maybe even love him."
Viki was so good at that, even over the phone. Sensing things and getting right to the heart of the matter. She couldn't let her secret out, especially to Viki. She was Todd's sister, loyal to him, and she would run back and tell him the truth. She couldn't leave herself open to that kind of pain again; it nearly destroyed her before, never again. "Of course I still care for him, we shared so much. But it's not enough to make me want to go back to the way we were. We're not good together; I think we both know that now. It doesn't mean I have to stop worrying about him though."
"You have to do what's right for you." Viki sighed heavily, just as afraid for Todd as Tea was. Whatever was nudging at Tea had been doing the same thing to her. She closed her eyes and said a silent prayer for him, asking God to embrace him.
"Viki, I know I have no right to ask this-"
"No, go ahead."
"Do you think you could come to New York and check on him? I would do it myself, but it doesn't seem," she hesitated, searching for the right word, "appropriate." Please? Please come and take care of him. I can't do it, Viki. I'm not strong enough, but you are. Please?
"Tea-"
"Viki, please? I just have this feeling-"
That was all she needed to hear. Two people having the exact same concerns for the same person, couldn't both be wrong. "I'll be on the next plane out."
