| RUNNING ON EMPTY BY TORRI |
CHAPTER 29 |
When she slept, most of the time, it was slept pretty soundly. She was a "degree" sleeper. If she was expecting something to happen, or someone to appear, she would sleep shallowly. When she and Todd were together, more often than not she slept shallowly. If she was worried, she would frequently doze, then awaken herself to think about what was worrying her. If she was completely exhausted, a nuclear bomb going off in the next room couldn't rouse her.
Sometimes, when she slept, she could hear things happening around her. Those "things" would pull her from her deepest sleep, through the various "degrees" until her body was fully conscious again. It was intuition's way of playing with her mind.
She was in the deepest of sleep when the phone rang. Since it wasn't the phone next to her, she shrugged off the noise and continued to sleep. It played as part of her dream. She turned over, clutching her spare pillow closer to her chest. The stifled scream coming from another part of the house brought her back, just a bit. The "oh my god" echoing through the walls sat her straight up in a panic.
She waited in the middle of her bed, listening. Not daring to move a muscle, or even breathe, her eyes darted around the room in search of a weapon. More sounds traveled through the vents into her bedroom, happy sounds. She let out the breath she didn't know she was holding and strained her ears to hear what was going on.
"I can't believe it's you!" Roseanne exclaimed. Tea could hear the smile in her voice, the excitement, and the happiness that had been absent for so long. Made her smile.
She slipped out of bed, and into the deep purple slippers that she kept next to her bed. Her "Hollywood slippers," as Todd called them. He asked her why anyone would wear those furry-heeled things with pajamas. He insisted that socks were the way to go...cheap and comfortable. She answered simply that they matched her pajamas and her robe. She put that on too, and made as little noise as possible as she followed Roseanne's voice into the kitchen.
Tea pretended that she was making coffee, while really listening to Roseanne's end of the conversation.
"I'm okay. I miss you though."
She knew who was on the other end, frowning at the thought. She wished she could eavesdrop on Enrique's end of the conversation; learn his secret of charming his hard-nosed daughter. The daughter who had no idea what kind of man he was, and who was protected because no one had the nerve to shatter the image that she held of him. The daughter with whom he had very little contact with over the years.
"I'm okay. I'm staying with Tea for a few weeks."
She knew that Roseanne had probably forgiven her father for everything that he had done to her, as soon as he said "hello." Most women were enthralled when he paid them the slightest amount of attention. Enrique had the charisma, the smoothness to convince anyone of anything. That was especially true of the daughter that adored him all of her life.
"I wish I could see you."
Here it comes. The lies. The excuses. Bill Clinton should take notes from you. Let's see...are you too busy with your non-existent job to take a day off to see your child? Are you going to be a new Papi at any minute? Are you just too damned selfish to think about anyone other than yourself?
"I understand. I can come wherever you are."
The happiness left her voice and the sadness returned. Tea wondered if she had done the right thing by calling him in the first place. Probably not...she couldn't even do the right thing in her own life. Watching Roseanne, she could almost see her deflate and crumble at her father's rejection. Her posture deteriorated from being perfectly erect, to slightly hunched over.
Roseanne pressed the "end" button on her phone, and stood in the middle of the kitchen. She said nothing; saw nothing, as if mesmerized by something visible only to her. Tea poured herself a cup of coffee, and placed a tall glass of milk in the opposite side of the table as if that would make everything better.
For someone who made her living using words, twisting them, manipulating them, she could not find any that could be of any comfort. The words that did come to mind were used to verbally trash herself for her error in judgment. As awful as she felt, deep inside she hoped that it would show Enrique for who he really was, a heartless bastard who cared only about himself.
Roseanne turned toward her, never seeing her, and walked to her bedroom. Soundlessly. When she was quiet about anything, it was time to worry. It meant the wheels were turning, and someone, somewhere, was going to be in trouble or she was in so much pain, not even the cleansing of a heart wrenching cry would make things better. The last thing Tea needed was to have even more pain weighing on her heart.
*****
Tea's Office Later that Day
The whole building was quiet when Tea walked through the lobby. Saturday's were great for getting things done, no distractions, none of the normal bullshit to prevent her from focusing. She waved at the guard on duty, and speed walked to the elevator. As soon as the door closed, she pounded her head against the wall. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
As she rode to the top, she thought of Roseanne. Before she left the penthouse, she looked in on her. Found her lying in the middle of the bed, holding her stomach, staring at the ceiling. She was all too familiar with that position, as it was the way she tended to cope, or not cope with her "issues." Locked herself away from the world, curled into a little ball, stared at the empty spaces around her, wished for something to fill the empty spaces inside her.
She made her way down the corridor, toward her corner office. It was what made her life worth living, the successful career that she had built from nothing. She could escape to it, bury herself deep in it, pretend that there was nothing outside of it.
As she stepped inside the protective walls, she looked around at her life and wondered where all of her other dreams had gone. Had they died inside of her, along with her child? Had they been reshaped with age? Wisdom? Or had she given up and just accepted what she had become?
There was a time when she thought she could balance everything, wear all the hats of a so-called superwoman. She even had the energy to do it. Not anymore. So much had been sucked out of her, to where she had become one of the "average" women.
Enrique haunted her. Whenever she had any contact with him, she was disturbed by days, controlled by her disdain for him. Every man was him, and she made them all pay for his sins. He had, in many ways, destroyed a large part of her, a part that she could never again reclaim. He felt no remorse, as he felt none for his daughter. It seemed inconceivable that he and Del could be of the same family. As cold hearted as he was, Del was just as kind, caring and gentle. She wasn't sure where she fit into the family...if she was cold, warm or just plain burning with that Puerto Rican fire.
She was startled when the telephone rang. She contemplated not answering it, if it was important they would have called her cellular phone. Then again, it could only be an emergency for them to call her office on a weekend.
"Hello?"
The hesitancy on the other end, followed by the deep breath, gave the mysterious caller away.
"Hi Del." She breathed a sigh of relief, as she always did when they were in contact. He had the ability, without even saying a word, to comfort her in a way that a million syllables spoken by another person could not.
"Hey, baby."
"How do you instinctively know when I need to hear your voice?"
"We're connected like that. So, tell big brother what's bothering you this time?"
"Nothing," she lied. "I just needed to hear a familiar voice, that's all."
"M-hm. Still trying to be tough, huh? Don't need nobody to help you with nothin'?"
There were too many things bothering her. If she started to talk, things, all things she had been hiding and trying to deal with herself, would come spilling uncontrollably from her mouth. No use in getting him tangled up in the mess she made of her life. No point in drowning him in her cesspool of sadness.
"Ah...the silent treatment."
"No, not the silent treatment. I was thinking about a case I'm working on. So, what made you call?"
"I can't just call my sister to hear her voice?"
"Of course, but Mr. Big Bad FBI Agent is usually too busy to bother," she joked.
"I'm never too busy for you. I called to see if you talked to our brother?"
"I spoke to Enrique, yes. I thought that maybe, after all these years, he would have grown up a little," she smirked. "What was I thinking? He's still the same self-absorbed sonofabitch he always was." She spat the words like venom, the anger building all over again. If he had been standing in front of her right then, she would have had no problem shoving a letter opener in his heart, wiggling it around, making him suffer.
"Don't be so hard on him. The boy has problems, we know that."
"Well, the world does not revolve around his problems. He has a daughter that needs him right now, and he can't even make time to see her. Do you have any idea what it's like for a girl to fight so hard for her father's attention and to watch as he ignores her?" Cause I do.
"Are we still talking about Enrique, or have we moved to you? 'Cause a lot of this stuff is sounding awfully familiar."
"So what if I am? Del, you have no idea what it was like for me and what it's like for Roseanne. We have had to deal with everything alone, with no male figures. Why do you think we're so screwed up now?"
"Hold on. What are you talking about?"
"I'm just under so much pressure right now. God, I don't even know what I'm saying." She cradled the phone on her shoulder, as she tried to figure a way out of the corner she had backed herself into. She had said too much, in the wrong tone, left her words with gaping holes open for interpretation.
"If you say you're okay, then fine."
He was using the same kind of psychology he used on her when she was a kid. Pretending to believe what she had said, pretending that he didn't care and it was her lie, leaving her to tell it any way she saw fit. He would pause, letting her be the first to crack. Letting her expound on her lie, until she grew so frustrated with herself, the truth would come pouring out of her.
She knew the game. Played it all the time as an attorney. Became a master at of the art of extrapolation, reversing her role. She coached her witnesses and clients in learning to bear the silence, instead of filling it with the wrong information. Using her own tactic, she remained silent as Del waited for her to take the bait.
"I have some time off," he spoke suddenly.
"Uh huh."
"I thought maybe you, me and Rosie could take a little trip together."
She loved Del and he protectiveness over her, but she knew exactly what this trip was about. He wanted to "cure" her of her love sickness. Break the spell of Todd Manning, banish his ghost from her soul. He wanted to erase those awful memories of her childhood that she fought so hard to keep within the confines of her heart.
"Take a break. Baby, you sound so tired. Let me someone take care of you for a change."
She almost laughed out loud. She could take care of herself, even if she did a lousy job. She had tried letting someone else take care of her, her father, Enrique; they both failed miserably. Her father was supposed to take care of her forever, supposed to be a part of her guiding force, but he beat the shit out of her and didn't look back.
"Tea?"
"Yes, I'm here. I was just thinking." Go ahead; go with him. He's been the only one you could count on. Get away from here. It'll be good for Roseanne too. She needs to be around him, you need to be around him.
"You don't have to let me know right now."
"No, I'll go. I have to check with Roseanne, but I'm sure it won't be a problem."
"Good."
"So, when do you plan on leaving?"
*****
She snuck into the penthouse in the early morning hours. Purposely, she stayed away until she thought Roseanne would have been asleep. It was becoming increasingly difficult to pretend to be sane and knowledgeable with her past creeping into her present. She had fought so hard to keep her past behind her, but lately, it seemed she couldn't get away from it.
It didn't help that her memory was one of her biggest assets. She didn't forget much, even the things she wanted to forget remained as clear as day in her mind. Like dates and their significance. She wasn't aware of the date until after she hung up with Del. That was when she looked at the calendar and remembered what tragic event of her life had occurred. Tragic event. Her baby died fifteen years prior. It should have been her to not make it; instead, it was her innocent child.
She shed no tears for it then. But she shed a lifetime's worth back at her office. It was something she couldn't control. They came out of nowhere, and had no ending. Just when she thought she was finished, a fresh batch trickled down her face.
And she thought of Roseanne. Innocent by no means, but deserving of more than she was getting. No father, no lover, no mother, no one she could really trust and rely upon. Certainly not Tea who was so involved with her own shit, that she could be of no help.
She thought she could detach herself from her past and be that person that Roseanne could count on. Judgelessly and lovingly be the friend, mother, grown up that she could talk to. That was not possible. Her one failure in life was at being a good friend to anyone. She lacked the selflessness that was required, but it was through no fault of her own. She had to look out for herself; there was no one else to do it.
As she sat on her couch, her eyes wandered to the window. She could see everything from there, but no one could see inside. Just like her life. No one bothered to look beneath the smile or behind the eyes, they just saw the surface. Inside, there was trouble brewing, and she could feel herself slipping further away from the world, burrowing deeper inside herself.
