Todd stepped out of the shower, gingerly, wincing as a stabbed through his abdomen. The past three weeks were filled with physical pain, and an emotional satisfaction that his life had been lacking in his life for so long. He had not forgotten what it was like to have someone there to listen, or just be in the same space, what he had forgotten was the little bit of happiness that it brought into his heart. Uninvited happiness...but happiness nonetheless.

Only twice in his life had he been really happy, in the best definition of the word. When he was a young boy, lovingly coddled by his mother. And when he was a grown man, loved by his daughter and a woman he had no intention of falling for. There was no explanation for their feelings for him, no reason, no justification, they just did. At the times, he took those feelings for granted, assuming that those women would always be there for him, loving him, holding him, surrounding him in the light that emanated from them. As all good things, they came to an end, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Tea would be leaving soon. Leaving him to go back to the life that she had "paused" to take care of him. He tried not to think about it, about the sight of her back exiting out the front door. More times than he cared to remember, he had watched her back leave their penthouse, wondering to himself each time she left, would be the last time he saw her again. There came a point, when he couldn't watch anymore - when he simply turned his back to her and waited for the sound of the front door closing, before crinkling his face in an effort to stop the tears that had sprung to his eyes. She never knew it. Never knew how much it hurt him to see her go, to hear her footsteps walking away from him.

He dried himself off, very slowly, hitting and missing the wet spots. He watched the water droplets evaporate right in front of him. Now you see it, now you don't.

Every movement was an effort, even breathing, but each day it grew easier. As the bruises lightened, she slipped further away from his grasp. Healed - abandoned. A double-edged sword. Healed or unhealed, he was going to be cut, sliced, ripped apart as soon as she stepped out of his apartment, and out of his life.

He didn't crave his saviors when she was around. She was his drug, his savior...his reason for waking up. He didn't want his mind altered, or his body numb when she was around, he wanted to experience her essence, with a clear mind, savoring every moment and committing them to the memory book that he had locked safely inside his heart. She made him as functional as he could be. He could never be so-called normal, nor did he want to be, but he could be somewhat human with her.

The first thing he saw when he opened the bathroom door, was Tea leaning her head out of the window, inhaling the polluted air. She did that a lot when she thought he wasn't paying attention, breathed deeply, calming whatever was plaguing her mind. She stuck her head outside of the window, breathing rhythmically, letting the wind blow through her hair. Her shirt lifted a little in the back, exposing just a smidgen of her smooth, dark skin. He concentrated on that, the little piece of exposed skin, and let his mind imagine what the rest of her body looked like completely bare. His breath caught, but he covered it by clearing his throat.

"Hey," she said, turning around, flashing him a smile that melted his heart. She smiled so much at him, and talked, exactly the way he remembered. She loved to talk, and he let her, without interrupting, without interjecting with any sarcastic comments, he listened to her. Didn't care what she said, only the sound of her melodic voice.

"Hey," he said, holding his stomach as he sat on the edge of the bed.

"How are you feeling?"

"Um - okay - I guess."

"Good." She didn't say anything else, didn't have to. The crease in the middle of her forehead said the words she could not speak. She was leaving - sooner - rather than later. She didn't have to courage to say the words, not then; he hoped she never would.

Then again, maybe he didn't know her as well as he thought. She had changed so much since the end of their marriage. She was harder to read, or just plain harder. It was difficult to decipher which, but it was very clear that she was not the same person, neither was he.

"Hey, are you hungry?" Tea asked, returning her attention to Todd.

"A little."

She nervously walked over to the bed and sat next to him, leaving plenty of room between them. It was more for her sake than his - her libido was in serious need of satisfaction. Taking care of him had caused her sex life to suffer, as it was, she was making up for the time she spent in her sexless marriage with him.

In all the time they were married, he never really needed her. Never really let her take care of him. It was a nice change, touching him freely to change his bandages, buttoning and unbuttoning his shirt, looking at the very parts of his body that he kept hidden beneath layer after layer of fabric.

She was going to leave, had to leave, for her own sanity. She had made herself a promise that her life was going to be about her, no one else. Yet, she was in her ex-husband's apartment, taking care of him, forgetting her own needs. By staying with him, she was defeating her whole purpose of moving to New York. It was supposed to be a return to self-satisfaction and fulfillment, but she was stumbling backwards, on the verge of falling for the wrong man - again.

"What are you thinking?" Todd asked. He had been watching her out of the corner of his eye, expecting her to say something, but she didn't. A silent Tea had always meant a dangerous Tea, as the wheels were spinning in her mind.

"Uh, nothing," she answered, avoiding eye contact. "I think I'll make some sancocho - I remember how much you liked it. Is that okay?"

"Yeah - fine - whatever."

She hopped up from the bed, and started for the kitchen.

"Hey Tea," he called, "did I do something wrong?"

She stopped in the doorway and turned toward him. "No. Why?"

"I don't know. You just seem kinda quiet and you know how you love to talk."

She chuckled. "Somebody has to fill the silences. Anyway, nothing is wrong, I'm just getting a little hungry."

"Oh, okay."

****

Todd's Kitchen

Tea was grateful for the peace that the kitchen provided. She had been cooped up with Todd for weeks, only leaving for a couple of hours here and there for a little quiet time. Each day, for a short period of time, she was able to sneak away and put herself together again. Todd was draining her; she needed to refuel.

She also felt a little guilty for sneaking away. Those first few days, she thought she was going to go crazy. He was in so much pain, and there was nothing she could do about it. She wasn't used to being helpless. Survivors weren't used to being helpless. What she was used to was clawing, scraping, fighting to get what she wanted, and she wanted him to get better. As she watched him writhing in pain, it hit her that the whole horrid situation was beyond her control.

Nothing was supposed to be beyond her control. She had, after all, beaten the odds for most of her life, survived the inequities of the world to lift herself to the very top of whatever task she attempted. So what if she didn't play fair all the time, the point was, she got what she wanted. And what she wanted was for Todd to get better so she could go on with the life she had built without him.

She cooked, without paying attention to what she was doing. She had no idea how the ingredients got chopped up, or how anything else made it into the pot. People used to tell her about how she could just put herself into "auto-pilot" and accomplish anything without realizing it. It was her guess that it stemmed from having to be the woman of the house at such a young age, donning her superwoman costume early.

Before she knew it, lunch was finished, but the day was just beginning. It was time for her to go, for her sake. It was becoming too comfortable of a place for her, a rut was beginning to form and the longer she stayed, the harder she would have to fight to climb out.

Her father used to say, "this is going to hurt me, more than it's going to hurt you," and she never believed it. Her response was always the same, though she never verbalized it, "If it's going to hurt you so bad, why do you do it?" As she sat at the table, searching for the right words, the same phrase played through her mind, "it's going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you." Goodbye's always hurt.

He had acted as if he really cared about her, like maybe he did love her. It was in his tone of voice, very soft, almost a whisper. And the way he looked at her, sometimes with a tear glistening in the corner of his eye. She had convinced herself that it wasn't love; it was the pain of his wounds that caused him to speak more softly and the tears in his eyes. The big, bad, tough guy was all an act - a guy thing.

If he really cared, he would have told her. There were plenty of opportunities to say the words, but he chose not to. Which was completely okay with her, because she had moved past their relationship. Life wasn't perfect, but it was certainly better than what they had together. More stable, happier - maybe.

"Todd, you can come and eat," she called to him. She waited for him at the table, staring out into space.

After a few minutes, he joined her at the table. She had fixed his plate, and he dug in immediately. "You're really a good cook," he said, with a mouthful of food.

"Thanks." She didn't feel much like eating. She picked at her food; stirring her stew and watching everything swirl around.

"You never used to cook like this. I mean it was good when you did, but you hardly cooked."

"Because I didn't have anyone to cook for," she retorted. It was true though. He chose to work, to go around chasing suspected murderers, anything to keep from coming home to his burden.

"Yeah, I know."

"Look, we have to talk about - things."

"Can it wait awhile? Can we just eat and talk later?" He voice was almost desperate as he fought to hang onto his last few moments of semi-happiness.

"Okay," she agreed.

*****

Time was ticking away too quickly. She had put it off for another few minutes, another hour, another couple of hours, until darkness descended upon them. It was inevitable, they both knew that, and the longer she waited, the more difficult leaving would be.

She could feel his eyes on her every now and then, but by the time she looked up, he had already gone on to look at something else. He was waiting - they both were. They sat in silence, each waiting for the bomb to drop, the bomb that would again send their lives spiraling in separate directions.

This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. She repeated the phrase to herself, as her father had repeated to her.

"Todd, I have to go." She blurted the words out, without thought, without preparation, just said them. It was like vomit spewing from her mouth, only it didn't make her feel better like it did when she was a child. Vomit is ridding your body of poison. You have to let it go. When she let go, it wasn't sweet relief she felt, it was gravity pulling her down.

He couldn't look at her, not even out of the corner of his eyes. He couldn't speak, not even vicious words of sarcasm spewed from his mouth. There was nothing.

"You're getting better, and I'm sure you have your life to get back to - and I have - my - life." She stood up, started pacing and playing with her hands the way she did when she was nervous. And she babbled. "There really isn't any reason for me to be here now. I mean, you're getting around okay now."

He simply looked at her, caught her eyes, and held her there. He tried to read what was behind them, to see if she was just as sad and lonely as he, but in them he saw nothing. Not a trace of the brown-eyed woman he had fallen in love with. There was no warmth, no invitation to explore what lied behind them. Nothing but blankness, emptiness...a reflection of himself.

"Todd, we both knew this was a temporary arrangement. And Roseanne is here visiting - I haven't spent anytime with her."

"Okay, Tea," he whispered. He glanced one last time in her direction, before going back to his bedroom.

She stayed in the living room, in one spot, nibbling on her fingernails. She listened for objects being hurled around in his room. The calmness in his voice frightened her; it was too much like the calm before the storm. She heard nothing besides his door crashing against the door jam as he slammed it shut.

She had to remind herself of their tumultuous past. Her weakness for his vulnerability, her weakness for him period, had caused her more pain than she cared to remember. As soon as she would fall for him again, or forgive him, or make enough excuses for him until she convinced herself she had forgiven him, he would do something that would send them backwards ten steps. It wasn't worth the aggravation.

She wasn't going to chase him again, or let him manipulate her into thinking she was doing something wrong. They were over. She was tired of chasing him around after one of his temper tantrums, trying to sooth him with her reassuring words. What about her? He never bothered to chase after her. They would fight and she would walk out, always for the last time, and she would be the one crawling back to him. He never worried about her, or wondered about her, or tracked her down after she packed up her things. He never tried to make her feel better for any pain he had caused.

She had packed her suitcase the night before and stowed it away in a closet. All she had to do was retrieve it and get on with her life. She would call Viki one last time, let her know she was leaving, and that would be the end of her responsibility to him and his family. She had been nice enough to keep Viki posted on Todd's condition - behind his back.

When she first told Viki, she was ready to fly out on the first plane to New York, but Tea talked her out of it. Said she had everything under control. Her fear was of Todd feeling betrayed, that was her public reason anyway. The real reason was that she wanted to spend a little time alone with him, just the two of them. Viki agreed, on the condition that Tea keep her posted with daily updates. Her last update had been earlier that morning, while Todd was in the shower.

They had a tense conversation that ended with Viki asking if there was any chance, any chance at all that they would be able to work things out. Tea said "no," lying about enjoying the "balance" of her life. After thinking about it, she thought she sounded like some "Zen new-age Buddhist."

So fucking be it. So long. Farewell. Goodbye.

She snatched her suitcase from the closet, accidentally banging it against Todd's bedroom door. "Shit," she cursed aloud.

Todd swung the door open. "You gone?" He asked.

"Yes. Take care, okay." There was an awkward moment, where they both just looked at each other. Neither was sure of what to do next. Should they hug? Shake hands? Wave? Nothing was appropriate. "Well, I'll see you around."

"Yeah."

She started down the hall. He watched her from behind, fighting the tears.

"Delgado," he called, stopping her in her tracks. She could not turn around; one look at him would be enough for the tears to start spilling over. "Mind if I call you sometime?"

"Not at all," she answered over her shoulder.

He turned around, unable to bear seeing her walk out. When he heard the door close behind her, he knew she was gone for good. And that was when the tears fell down his cheeks.

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