Tea's Penthouse

When it came to Todd, Tea could sense things. She could feel his physical pain at times, or his emotional pain even more often. She knew what he was thinking, most of the time, before he even thought it. They were connected at a perception level so deep, that it bordered on extrasensory. So when that perception woke her from her slumber, she knew something was horribly wrong.

When she jerked herself awake, she didn't sense physical pain, she sensed death.

"Oh god," she mumbled into the darkness. Perception told her to act quickly, "before it's too late." Told her to find his number, get dressed; be resourceful and go to him. Perception guided her when hysteria tried to invade her mind.

She was dazed, already drowning in guilt for not answering his cries for help; if he was reaching out her at all, or if it was just part of his "obsession." And that's what she thought she was to him, an obsession. Just another trophy to display on his shelf…like Marty…like Rebecca…like Blair.

The party girl…the saint…the deceiver…then there was her, the obsession.

It was easier to think of herself as the obsession, rather than the beloved.

She couldn't bear to think of his love as being so painful that it hurt to breathe.

Being a sneaky lawyer had its benefits. The last time she saw him, she managed to sneak his cell phone away from him, turn it on, and write down his number when it flashed across the display. She didn't have to do too much sneaking; he left it on the table while he went to the restroom. Immediately, she suspected that he left it there as bait, and as usual, she bit.

She had stuffed his phone number in her favorite purse…in the zippered part…folded neatly in fourths. There were times she wished she could turn her heart completely off, and not feel anything. Her life had been about isolating herself, pushing her emotions as far away from the surface as possible. And for the most part, she could live without her heart fluttering for someone, or her eyes welling with tears of joy or sadness…few ever saw her display any emotion at all. But Todd, and all of the suffering that he brought along with him, penetrated that wall that she had so meticulously erected around her heart. When she saw his name and phone number scrawled across the bleached white paper, everything that she felt for him, as his wife, came pouring out of her. She was no longer the concerned friend that she tried so hard to pretend to be, she was a concerned wife searching for her husband.

The first time she dialed the phone number, she was greeted with a generic "the party you have reached" voice mail greeting.

"Todd, it's me. I just wanted to make sure you're okay. Give me a call as soon as you get this message." She pressed the pound key when she was finished, hoping that he was connected with a pager that alerted him when he had a voice mail message. She didn't hold much hope for that; he enjoyed being inaccessible.

Damn it! Why do I let you do this to me?

At four o'clock in the morning, there wasn't much on television. She sat on the couch, with one hand on the remote, flipping channels, and the other hand on the telephone, hovering over the "on" button. There wasn't much she could do besides wait for his call, but still, she felt so helpless.

Another feeling passed over her, like a dark cloud. It floated above her, beckoned her, sent an eerieness through her body…caught her attention. There was no ignoring it; the last time she did, it cost her her mother. She had already lost Todd to his own self-destructive pattern, but to lose him to death would be insufferable.

She vowed never again to dismiss her intuition as paranoia after her mother left. The last day she saw her mother, she felt especially "clingy." A shadow, she was to Annarosa, hugging her, kissing her, telling her how much she wanted to be like her "mommy." And when she closed her eyes, drifting off to her mother's soft voice, singing a Spanish lullaby, it was the last time she ever saw her.

She heard her mother's footsteps, trying to move silently around the small apartment. She was so tired, too tired to get up and see what was going on.

Even though something was nudging her awake. Even though she was bothered by a nauseating sensation in the pit of her stomach. Sleep was the only thing that mattered. Even when she found it strange for Annarosa to sneak into her bedroom late at night, to kiss her and whisper, "I love you" in her ear. I love you too mommy. See you in the morning. If only she had trusted her instincts enough to get out of bed and see what was going on. If only her sleep wasn't so important. If only she had one more chance to say "I love you."

That was not something she was willing to repeat with Todd. Though she did not trust herself in most instances, her instincts were rarely wrong…and if they were in this case…so what? Better to err on the side of caution, than to let someone else slip away from her. He had slipped away long ago, away from her physical grasp but not from her heart.

She stood up, crossed her arms, and paced the floors, waiting for an answer to pop into her head. Her intuition worked that way, in quiet, in a mind at rest. When she allowed herself to concentrate on the rhythm of her breathing, keeping outside distractions at bay, the solutions would never failed to come to her. Never.

"The bar," she spoke to no one. She didn't even take time to grab a coat, just her keys and ran from her penthouse.

****

An Upscale Bar

"Wait here," Tea instructed the cab driver, as she sprung from the back seat, leaving the door wide open.

The bar was dark on the inside, unlit on the outside. She prayed to herself that someone was there, and that somehow they knew where to find Todd. As she approached the door, it flung open and a man and woman emerged, laughing.

When they saw her, they straightened up, recognizing her immediately.

"Um, I'm sorry but I'm looking for someone."

"Yeah, he's been looking for you too. I think you better come over here for a minute," the bartender suggested, leading Tea away from the other woman.

He had no idea how he was going to tell her about his condition, or how she would react. It wasn't any of his business, really, but he saw the concern written all over her face.

"What?"

"Something happened tonight, and I don't really know how to tell you."

"Just say it." Oh God, I'm too late…he's dead. Oh God, I should have done something. I should have been there for him. Why am I always too late? She wanted to crawl under a rock and die right along with him, to get away from the madness that she called a life. She just waited to hear the words.

"We found him outside, here," pointing to the red area stained with his blood, "and he wasn't doing good. He didn't want to go to a hospital, so one of the waitresses here took him home."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Where is home?"

He pulled out a piece of paper that he had scribbled the address on earlier.

He normally wouldn't have been so responsible, but just in case something happened to Bonnie, he wanted to be sure he knew exactly where she had gone.

Not that he thought Todd would have tried anything; he wasn't in shape to do much.

"Thank you."

****

Todd's Apartment

Tea was out of breath by the time she reached the tenth floor. The elevator took too long, so she took the stairs instead. She speed walked down the halls, until she was standing outside of his door. She knocked on the door, softly calling his name. There was no response, so she pounded a little harder. Nothing.

"Todd," she yelled, "open the door. It's me."

Someone from down the hall yanked their door open and yelled back at her, with a heavy east coast accent. "Hey, shut the fuck up! Do you know what time it is? People are trying to sleep over here."

She turned her back to him, and continued to yell Todd's name. She was not going to give up, no matter what, even if she had to knock all night long.

"Todd."

The door flew open, just as she was getting ready to knock again. Bonnie checked Tea out, from head to toe, coming face to face with the woman that Todd had been waiting for all those lonely nights. Tea's face said it all, that there was love in her soul and concern in her heart. She stepped to the side and allowed Tea to enter. "He's resting right now," she whispered. "They really did a number on him."

"I know. Excuse me, but who are you?"

"I'm Bonnie. And who are you?" Bonnie asked, playing dumb.

"Tea, his wife…ex-wife," she quickly corrected.

"Ah. How did you find out?"

"I just had a feeling. Listen, you don't have to stay here with him, I can take it from here."

"Yeah, okay. Um, I'm gonna go, but I'll leave my number just in case you need anything." She looked in on Todd one more time before leaving, while Tea brewed a pot of coffee in the kitchen.

Tea waited until Bonnie had left before preparing herself to see Todd. She knew that the moment she laid eyes on him, she would lose what little control she had over her emotions. She almost lost it just looking around at what his life was. Ashtrays and empty bottles all around, dishes piled up in the sink, a refrigerator filled with take out containers. The place reeked of sadness, loneliness and isolation.

She made two cups of coffee, and filled another glass with water. She stood outside his bedroom for several minutes, willing herself to be strong.

"Here goes nothing."

She stepped into the bedroom, but couldn't see much in the darkness. Stumbling over shoes and other unidentifiable objects in the middle of the floor, she made her way to the bed. She set the cups and glass on the floor, and reached for the lamp on the nightstand. Her hands fumbled around until they landed upon the on switch, which she then flicked.

"Oh my God," she gasped. "Oh Todd."

He could "feel" her even in his sleep, but his eyes would not open. It hurt to breathe, to move, to twitch, and he moaned with every voluntary and involuntary shutter. "Tea," he mumbled through clinched teeth.

"Shh…I'm here. I'm going to take care of you." She shook her head at the sight of his once beautiful face, cut, bruised, battered, swollen beyond recognition. Nursing was not her specialty, but she did know enough about first aid to clean the wounds with peroxide, bandage them, and put ice on the swollen parts of his face. He kept flinching from the pain that the slightest amount of pressure sent through his body. She kept apologizing, crinkling her face whenever she he moaned in agony.

He was in and out of it, mumbling indecipherable words between groans. He probably had a concussion, so Tea tried to keep him awake by speaking reassuring words, and squeezing his hand every so often…just to let him know he was going to be alright.

If he could have moved, he would have rolled closer to the edge of the bed, straight into her arms. Let him hold her, the same way his mom did whenever he was sick, or hurt, or needed a little attention. She would have whispered the same words as Tea, caressing his head and kissing his hair. Showing him how much he was loved, telling him how much he was adored.

He never cared much about the way he looked, or how people perceived him, but he was worried about what was going through her mind at seeing him so battered. She always said he was beautiful, but now, she probably thought he looked worse than the elephant man. His ugliness on the inside was now matched by that on the outside.

****

As soon as the first rays of morning light filtered through the window, Tea was on the phone to her private doctor. He didn't make house calls, according to him; he could fit more patients in by having them come to him.

"Thirty minute intervals," he once confided, figuring Tea, as a fellow bottom-feeder, was into the "get 'em in, kick 'em out" routine. She was not amused, and considered switching doctors…but what was the use?

They were all the same, HMO born and bred.

She had to do some fast-talking, but that was her specialty. Called him first thing, before his first appointment. She begged, pleaded, offered free legal services and ten thousand dollars if he would break his own rule and make a house call. He resisted, until she mentioned the money, then he suddenly became available.

She then called Roseanne, who had been wondering what happened. Tea explained how she had a friend who was in trouble and needed her help.

Couldn't mention Todd, or else she would have heard a lecture that she heard a thousand times from Carlotta, Andrew, Sykes, and anyone else who thought they knew him.

She had never seen Todd so still or so quiet. He used to be in constant movement, as if he were some sort of target and if he stayed still for too long, "they" would get him. Walking and talking. "Have you ever thought about cutting down on your sugar intake?" she once asked, after watching him pace the room for over an hour. "You're making me dizzy," she said. He stuttered something, and continued pacing.

His being still was almost unnatural. He was a survivor, a thriver, a man filled with excitement and energy. She couldn't even imagine what it must have been like for him to be confined in his own body. She watched his chest rise and fall with each labored breath. She could tell it hurt to breath, he kept wheezing and coughing. She looked at her watch, realizing that it was time to wake him up again.

"Todd, Todd, wake up."

"Mmm?"

"Listen, I called my doctor and he should be here soon. I know you don't want to go to any hospitals, so he's going to fix you up right here, okay."

"Mmm."

You know, you are such a cruel person, or whatever you are…you know that?

Hasn't he been through enough without you doing this to him? Haven't I been through enough? All I'm trying to do is get on with my life without him, but you keep on hurting him, and I keep on trying to save him. What are you doing? Oh, that's right, you and your precious divine plan. Is it your little secret? Do we not get to know what you're doing to our lives? I don't get you…you know that? The lord giveth, and the lord taketh away…is that how it goes? You gave him to me once, took him away. Are you giving him to me again, just to take him away again? Well guess what…it's not going to work this time. I'm not going to give you the chance. You took away my mother, you took away my husband; I'm not giving you another damned thing to take away from me. Nothing means anything to me anymore. And I thank you for that.

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