Todd's Apartment

Todd could think of nothing other than running away from what he was feeling. He ran from Llanview because everyone had given up on him, to one of the largest cities in the world, smack into his past. He could pick up and go somewhere else, another town, another state, anyplace where he would not be reminded of everything that he had lost. He didn't lose it though, gave it up. Never had enough backbone to deal with feelings, and all that garbage. When things got a little out of control, he got the hell out of dodge.

Running this time was useless. It may have taken him longer than usual to figure it out, but he could never rid himself of his past, the good times or bad. It was all right there, in his memory, as bright and vivid as ever.

Certain things weren't supposed to happen to him. Light was not supposed to happen to him. He was not supposed to see it or experience it at all, not even a flash. After what his father had done to him, tainted him with his evilness, he wasn't supposed to see any part of heaven, or touch an angel. But he did. And he had love in his heart. He gave it, received it, the best way he knew how. It was that damned ability to destruct, and self-destruct, that infected everything he touched with his soiled spirit.

There was a small diner near his apartment; he went there whenever he was hungry. That wasn't very often, it took too much energy, energy that he did not have, to bring the food-filled fork to his mouth and chew. There was a corner booth, near the bathroom, where he preferred sitting. It was a "low traffic" area, separated from the crowd, practically invisible.

The wait staff knew him there, but didn't dare talk to him or even attempt to be friendly. The way he growled at anyone attempting to get more than an order out of him scared them off. He was able to remain an anonymous mystery, the stranger in the corner, drinking cup after cup of coffee, drowning his pancakes in syrup.

While waiting for his order, he read the morning edition of The Sun, annoyed that his paper had become "fluff" piece. If he was still running it, headlines like "Buchanon's Give One Million to Llanview University" would never make it on the inside, much less the front page. He couldn't complain, not really, he wasn't forced to give up control. It was his choice, one the he regretted, but his choice nonetheless. If he ever put his life back together, acquiring another newspaper, perhaps even The Sun, would be the one of the first things on his agenda.

"Here you are, steaming hot pancakes with extra syrup, just the way you like 'em. Would you like another cup of coffee?"

He didn't look up from the paper when the waitress set his plate down in front of him, only nodding an answer to her question.

She went through the same things whenever he decided to grace them with his presence. He was more than rude, he was a bastard, and seemed to know it. Just once she would have liked to tell him where to take his attitude, but he was a good tipper. The best, in fact. She just bit her tongue, and made him as comfortable has she could. Judging from the way he constantly moved, tapping the table, playing with his hair, he was always moving. Comfort did not come easy to him.

"There you go, straight from a fresh pot," she said, placing the hot cup of coffee in front of him. "Anything else?"

"No, just go away and leave me alone."

In a huff, she went back behind the counter and watched him. She couldn't help but to watch him, his presence demanded it. Her female, and some male co-workers took bets on how soon they would read of him killing someone. Her money was on never; he just wasn't the type. She had grown up around murders, gang bangers and the like, and he was not like them. Different, yeah...but not a murderer.

Todd ate his pancakes in a certain way. Kinda like a child whose pancakes were cut in neat little rows, then into perfect squares, syrup on top of the stack, with a generous amount surrounding them. Had eaten them that way his whole life.

His mother used to cut them that way when he was a child. She called them her "five-by-fivers," five strips cut into five little squares.

"Thomas, how about a five-by-fiver?" she would ask, already knowing the answer. She said the squares fit perfectly into his perfect little mouth.

Peter hated how his mother spoiled him.

"You're supposed to raise a goddamned man, not a little boy who can't even cut his own goddamn pancakes. You spoil him. He's gonna turn into a goddamn pussy just like his goddamn momma. Ain't that right boy?"

"Peter, he's too young to handle a knife. He'll learn soon enough, but not right now. Peter-"

"No, no, it's okay mom. I can do it, you'll see. I can." He would take the knife from her, cut five strips, counting them aloud.

"Hey, mind if I join you?" Misty slid in the booth across from Todd, reaching for a pancake square.

"Go away," he said, slapping her hand away from his food. "And I never said you could touch my food."

"I never asked." She withdrew her hand and took a section of his newspaper instead.

"What is it with you? All I ask is to be left alone. What are you doing anyway? Are you following me?"

"I'll answer your questions in order. I happen to think you're attractive. I don't want to leave you alone, because sooner or later I'm going to have you, so you might as well quit resisting. I'm going after what I want. And, I am not following you, fate just keeps intervening, placing us in the same place at the same time."

"Whatever." He continued to eat, ignoring her.

"I bet I can get your attention." She paused. "You and I have a mutual friend." Another pause. "Tea Delgado-Manning," she emphasized the Manning part.

He looked up at her, waiting for her to elaborate. "And?"

"Oh, he speaks now. I have to remember, that all I have to do to get you to talk is mention your ex-wife."

"Yeah, so why did you mention her?"

"No reason."

"How do you know her?"

"We grew up together in the same building. I must say she certainly has come a long way from that basement apartment. I guess marrying for money was a very, very good move for her."

"Is there a point to this, or do you just want to cut Tea down in your own little way?" He asked angrily, raising his voice ever so slightly.

"Woah, I didn't mean to strike that nerve. I'm sorry. Listen, I just wanted to come over and make sure you were alright. The last time I saw you, you were in pretty bad shape and I was worried. I can see you are doing just fine."

"Yeah, now will you leave me alone?"

"For now."

Todd watched her leave the restaurant, his appetite spoiled. Snobby bitch. She was up to something, had to be. There was too much of a resemblance in attitude to Blair to not be scheming. He would have to keep an eye out for her, just in case.

*****

The Bronx Late that Night

J. told Todd to meet him at his apartment on 174th Street. Normally, J. delivered his order, and a few other things that he thought Todd might want to try. On a couple of occasions, he let Todd sample some "new shit he just got."

He was in a bad area of town, dimly lit, dirty, the perfect area to mount an attack. Or be attacked. Todd really didn't care what happened to him, he had nothing to live for. So what if he died? Nobody would care, he probably wouldn't even be missed. With a cocky swagger, a drunken, cocky swagger, he prowled the streets in search of more of his drug.

He had been to J.'s place only one other time, he just didn't fit in with that crowd. His shoes probably cost more than the rent, his ensemble could have bought a good portion of the building. Hanging out around there was risky for someone like him. Even if he didn't have on the fancy shoes or expensive clothing, he exuded a "not belonging" quality. He didn't belong anywhere, which is why he preferred to stay at home, or in the back of some bar.

All of the streets looked the same as he made his way toward 174th. The same old brick buildings, the same garbage thrown carelessly onto the pavement. Society's rejects hanging out on the corner, playing dice, pimping, hoeing, begging, plotting. He kept his eyes on the prize, a rat in a maze, searching for his piece of cheese.

He turned onto 174th, strolled past the street junkies, prostitutes, homeless people, ignoring the various words that were shouted in his direction.

"Hey man, you got some spare change?"

"I'll suck your dick for a ten. Hey man, you listening to me?"

"I can hook you up with whatever you need. I got TVs, VCRs, stereos, jew'rywhatever you want. If I don't got it, gimme a day and I can get it for you."

He found the building, stepping over a passed out wino that was blocking the entranceway. That'll be me in another year. The apartment was on the third floor, at the end of a very dark hallway. There were shouts, screams, music, televisions and other sounds coming from the rooms.

A half-naked woman ran past him, clutching a sheet around her chest. Her eye was blackened, matching the bruises that littered her body. As she ran past, she looked at Todd, sadly, hopelessly, a trail of black mascara lined her face.

"Don't you come back here, you hear me bitch?" Someone shouted after her.

Todd glanced in the direction of "the voice," but quickly looked away. Around there, nobody saw nothing, nobody heard nothingthose were the rules of the street.

He stopped in front of apartment 3A, J's place. The door flew open, revealing a blue darkness, caused by the colored light bulbs.

"Hey, Todd, come on back here." Todd could not see J's face, the darkness combined with the smoke in the room rendered visibility virtually zero. "You gotta 'scuse my mess. I'm just tryin' to be a responsible bi'ness man and shit, give my customers a place to go, you know? I wouldn't want them to get all fucked up and go out and do some harm and shit."

"Yeah, hownoble."

"I think so. Come on back here. Somebody in your way, step over 'em or kick 'em, they won't know the difference."

Todd followed J. through the living room. There were people lying all over the place, some awake, some passed out, some just mellow. They turned toward Todd, nodding their head in acknowledgement, then getting back to what they were doing. The table was covered with different pipes, Todd had no idea what they were used for. He watched some guy hold a lighter underneath his pipe, watching the liquid in the bottom bubble. When it was "cooked," he brought it to his mouth, inhaling deeply. His head rolled back as he swallowed the smoke, making an "ahhh" sound when he was finished.

Young girls lay on the laps of the boys, fondling them or allowing themselves to be fondled. They were all sickly thin, dressed in next to nothing. One or two approached Todd, offering him "whatever he wanted" for a "little cash." The more he resisted, the more persistent they were. It wasn't until he reached into his wallet and thrust a wad of money in their direction that they left him alone.

"In here man." J. opened the door to his bedroom, the one place where it was quiet. "I'm sorry you had to come down here and shit, but you know how that is."

"Yeah, I know how it is," Todd said, sitting down on the bed. J.'s room was clean. Bright white walls, spotless, white carpet, white curtains, bright like heaven.

"Look, I feel bad you had to come all the way down here. You're a brave one, I'll give you that. They don't like your kind around here. Take one look at a pretty boy like you, a rich pretty boy, and all they wanna do is hurt you. I'm surprised you made it without nothin' happenin'."

"I'm a scary guy."

"Must be. Anyway, like I was sayin', I feel bad you had to come down here so I'm a hook you up with a little somethin' extra." He handed him a thickly rolled joint. "I just got this in today. You're the first person to try it. This is what it's all about baby, fuck you up faster than anything I got. It's worth it though. Fuckin' take you to heaven. Closest we gonna get to it, man."

Todd rolled between his fingers, sniffed it, stared at its contents. He liked to stay with what he knew, but one time wouldn't hurt. After the day he had, he deserved a little "somethin' extra." He pulled Peter's old lighter out of his pocket, lit it, pointed it toward hell, here's to you dear ole' dad. The first drag went straight to his head. He coughed a little.

"You gotta take it easy with this shit. Nice and slow, manlet it come to you."

Todd took another drag, inhaling slowly, letting it "come to him." He felt goodreal good. Relaxed even. With each puff, his body became looser, he could feel the tension creeping away. His mind went blank, he was free of all his demons.

"What'd I tell you manit's heaven."

"Heaven," Todd repeated. He sunk into the bed, closing his eyes.

"Go ahead, enjoy it," J. said in his most soothing tone. "Let it come to you. You feel it?"

"Yeah."

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