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| RUNNING ON EMPTY BY TORRI |
CHAPTER 13 |
Tea's Penthouse
Tea had to get away from Todd, out of the penthouse, before she could no longer control her emotions. Her feelings were starting to get the best of her. If she stayed in a room with him for any amount of time, he would know what she was trying to deny, her love. In a perfect world, with a different man, she could have let her guard down, let herself love and be loved. He was just so damned difficult, so damned different so damned exciting. The very things that she loved about him were the very things that would prevent them from being together.
She paced around the living room, wringing her hands. Her eyes wandered around the room, looking at her nice, orderly life; the life that she had always dreamed of having. She had everything that she wanted, and what she didn't have, she could go out and buy. Still, she was so miserable. Hell could not possibly be worse than what she called a life.
The walls started to close in on her, causing her breathing to become labored. Her eyes began to burn and fill with tears. Just like with every other time she was about to sob, her face contorted as she tried to fight the inevitable. She could feel her chest convulsing, at the same time as her tears began to fall.
Cry me a river. I cried a river over you.
Her hands found their way to her face, covering her eyes, nose, and mouth, muffling the sounds of her sobs. She did not know how much time had elapsed before she was able to get herself back under control. It had been quite some time since she had literally bawled her eyes out. Normally, it was all about control. Never let them see you sweat. If she had to face him again, the same thing would have happened, she would have lost control.
There was only one way to avoid that, leave. She wasn't necessarily running; she really did have to get to her office and try to get some work done. Leaving him a note would be the least painful for both of them.
It turned out to be much harder than she had thought. The words, the perfect words, would not come to her. Should she precede "Todd" with "Dear?" It had to read casual, but not too distant. Compassionate, but not hopeful. Warm, but not inviting. Should she close with "Love," or "Sincerely," or just "Tea?" Her trembling hands scrawled the words on paper after paper, which she promptly balled up and threw on the floor. Her heart was filling her head with words of love. Her head was telling her to just make it quick and be done with it. She followed her head.
Todd,
I had to go to the office. Take care of yourself and make sure to get a check up from your doctor. You can never be too careful.
Tea
She read it over and over, noting the shakiness of her handwriting. Her hands just kept trembling, no matter what she did. It wasn't perfect, but anything more personal would have given him the wrong impression. Didn't matter anyway, he didn't want her back.
*****
The penthouse was empty when Todd woke. Before he left Starr's room, he listened intently for footsteps. As he made his way to the door, he began to panic. She wouldn't have left without saying goodbye, he thought. Not knowing that he was hurting. Not knowing how much he needed her.
He wanted to call out for her as he searched the house, room by room. There was the fear, deep inside, that his calls would be met with nothing but the empty silence of aloneness. He knew it before he even saw the note…she left him. It was not surprising, what was surprising was that it took her so long. Everybody left sooner or later. Everybody left him sooner or later. He scanned the note, then read it more carefully, and even more carefully the next time. If there was any hint of warmth or meaning beneath the words, he was determined to find it. With Tea, you had to be an interpreter. For as much as she said, she left just as much unsaid. Just like him, she would not leave herself open for feeling anything, she followed the lead of the other person. He thought he had made it clear at the bar, and in the way he looked at her, that his life meant nothing without her to share it with.
The only reason he had survived so long without her, was the hope that lived in his heart. Hope that one day they would find their way back to each other. When he was a new man, a whole man. The love was there already, it would always be there, growing inside of him.
He wandered into her bedroom, to be near her one last time. She still lingered in the air, her "freshly showered" scent. When they lived together, her "bath junk" used to travel through the air, straight to him. He told her once that she reminded him of Pepe La Pu. She probably left one of those invisible trails just like the skunk in the cartoon, he joked. She didn't find it funny at all. Not until he started cracking up, then she couldn't help but to follow suit.
The good ole' days.
She still wore the same perfumes, even his favorite, something by Calvin Klein. He never could remember the name of it, just the designer. She still had those "cutesy little girly bottles" that she poured them in, with the big horn on the end. As a kid, she had always dreamed of collecting them, just like Audrey Hepburn in the old movies. Her family was too poor. Todd never wanted her to yearn for anything, so he and Starr went out one day, and bought as many of those bottles as they could find. Starr gave them to her. Todd pretended like it was all her idea. He had half expected her to have broken them all, thrown them against the wall or something. They were all there, and in tact.
*****
Tea's Office
Tea spent her morning emersed in cases. If she stopped, she would have to think about Todd, and start to feel culpable all over again. He had that effect on people. Unlike anyone she had ever known, he could manipulate people into feeling for him. It wasn't always intentional…it just was. He was a mission for so many, they wanted to save the unredeemable Todd Mannning. Those that didn't, wanted him dead. They never bothered to look beyond the surface to the scared, wounded little boy, unseen by most of the world.
She saw that side, almost every time they were together. The way he interacted with his daughter was a prime example of "other side" that very few wanted to see. When people looked at him, they always assumed the worse, expected the worse. If only they had gotten to know him, the way Viki had, and Sam, and to some extent Blair, and the way only she could know him. That part of him was probably long dead, she deduced. It would be a pleasant surprise if it was still inside, considering the way he left town. So suddenly, so disgraced, so hurt beyond words.
We had no choice. He faked a personality disorder, how could anyone forgive him for that? He deserved everything he got. Play with fire; get burned. If it's all his fault, why am I the one feeling so damned bad?
Concentrating on work was useless. Concentrating on anything was useless. The more she tried to concentrate on anything other than Todd, the more her mind drifted back to the past and the future that should have been.
It was snowing, yet again. New York would soon be completely buried if it didn't stop. It had gone on for several days, encasing the city in a sea of white purity. From high up, it looked like a giant, fluffy marshmallow that, if she jumped, would catch her in its warm sweetness. In reality, it was just a bitter, cold, icy nuisance…a deceiver.
*****
Caitlin had been instructed to not put any calls through to Tea. She needed absolute quiet to focus on her cases. She wanted to ask who the guy was that answered the phone, but Tea never answered personal questions. She never really talked about herself. Whoever he was had put her in a really weird mood. She was a little sad. Usually, she was just plain cold.
The telephone rang again. "Delgado and Associates, how may I help you?"
Todd said nothing as he cradled the phone between his ear and his shoulder.
"Delgado and Associates, how may I help you?" Caitlin repeated.
Screw it. "Um, is Tea Ma…Delgado there?"
"May I tell her who's calling?"
"It's Todd."
"One moment please," Caitlin put him on hold, recognizing his voice from earlier in the morning. "Ms. Delgado?" Caitlin said into the intercom.
"Yes?"
"There's a gentleman by the name of Todd on the phone for you."
What the hell? Oh God, something happened. "Put him through," she shouted into the speaker. "Todd? What's wrong?"
He could hear the concern in her voice, nearing complete panic. "Nothing. I just…I don't know."
"Are you hurt? Did something happen after I left?"
"No. I just wanted to…say…thanks…for you know…doing what you did for me last night."
The sound of his voice was so calming. It had always made her feel safe, the way it would be so soft and sweet at times, and the very next minute it would rise several decibel levels. "It was not a problem. Just take care of yourself, okay?"
"You know I'm no good at that Delg…Tea."
It was almost like old times. Almost, but not quite. He wouldn't even call her by his pet name for her…it was really over. "You are good at anything you want to be good at."
I wanted to be a good husband. But I failed at that. I wanted to be a good father. But I failed at that. I wanted to be respectable for you. I failed.
"Todd? You still here?"
"Yeah, sorry. Anyway, I'm getting ready to back to my place."
"Oh, okay." Don't go. Don't leave me all alone again, Todd.
"Um, I guess this is it then."
"I guess so. Todd?"
"Yeah?"
"Would it be okay if I let Viki know that you're alright? I won't tell her anything else, just that you're safe." But you're not are you? She hadn't even realized that she had been twisting the telephone cord around her index finger. She happened to look down, and watched as it turned from red to purple…as it began to pulsate.
"Yeah, nothing more. I won't hold you up," or back or down. You're better off without me Delgado.
*****
Todd's Apartment
Todd kicked off his shoes as soon as he opened the door. His socks were completely soaked through, straight to the bone. For all of the complaining that he did about boots being for girls, he wished he had a pair.
"Fuck," he said, peeling off his wet socks and tossing them across the room.
It was freezing inside. It was so closed up, dark, cold and bare. He began to hate it there. No light filtered through from anywhere, it was void of life, filled with the stench of death. That's what was happening, he was dying a slow, painful death.
Since I'm going to die anyway, why not speed up the process?
He wanted a drink, not a beer, something real. Hennessy, straight up. Hennessy and his version of a cigarette, a perfect combination.
There was so much inside of him, so many feelings swirling around, it was dizzying. Most of all, his heart ached with love. Lost love. Fucked up love. Eternal love. All consuming love. It was eating him alive, faster than any ulcer could do.
How'd you do it Delgado? I fought you, tooth and nail…I never meant for any of this to happen.
Sip. Puff.
It was only supposed to be a deal. You get your money; I get my daughter. Where did it go wrong?
Gulp. Drag.
And see, you had to go and screw it all up. You made me feel for you…you told me you loved me. How could you? I am nothing. Always have been; always will be.
Swig. Draw.
He tried to drink and smoke her image out of her mind. Alcohol alone was supposed to numb things. His "cigarette" was supposed to distort things. The two combined should have erased her from his mind, temporarily, and given him the feeling of being "okay." That's what it had done in the past. It was different this time. The higher he got, the more vivid his fantasies of her were.
A couple of times, he reached out into the nothingness, reached for her, feeling only air between his fingers.
"Tea," he whispered, closing his eyes and imaging that he was back at her penthouse. Surrounded by light…her smile…her eyes…the sun. Wrapped in the warmth of her love. The feeling only lasted a couple of seconds, just giving him a glimpse.
He had to open his eyes to try and stop the spinning…of the room, his head, his life, spiraling out of control. He reached behind him, gripping onto the edge of the couch, hanging onto sanity.
