Todd awakened in Tea's bed, wrapped in her blankets, lying on her pillow. He felt the empty space next to him, hoping against hope that his dream had become a reality and that she had joined him in the bed. No such luck Manning. She's no fool.

In the clarity of the new morning light, Tea would see him for what he was. With a new day, and a clear head, she would realize, once again, he hadn't changed a bit. He had no reason to change without her in his life. It made him sad, not angry. Everyone else had a chance at happiness…where was his? Theirs?

It wasn't fair that some people should suffer their whole lives. He was just a kid. Kids are supposed to be happy, they're supposed to have a chance in the world. Love. Light. Just a chance. He never had a chance. Who would…growing up in a house with Peter Manning? His life was ruined from the moment he fought his way through the womb. The moment the doctor's battled to save his breached little life. His fight began before he even entered the world. They should have just let him die. If I had died, I never would have had your love. If you hadn't loved me, I wouldn't have tainted you.

He was much more relaxed at her place. She had a way of fixing things, healing them, shining a light on the darkest of situations…like the previous night. The pain was so great; he thought he was literally going to die. It had never been that bad. It didn't bother him too much; at least the last living image he had to take with him would have been of Tea. It might have even been the better option considering she was going to kick him out as soon as he was better.

The day would tumble downhill the moment she saw him. She would come in to check on him, feel his forehead, probably take his temperature. Ask him how he was feeling…watch his eyes. Listen for the lies he would inevitably pour from his mouth. Humor him, feed him, feel sorry for him, and send him on his way. That would be that, and she'd never want to see him again.

He would take a cab back downtown, enter his empty apartment, smoke something to "calm his nerves" and think of her. Nothing different from any other day, except he would miss her a little bit more. All he could do was enjoy the little bit of time that she would allow him to stay with her. Reap the benefits.

He could hear her bustling about in the kitchen; smell the food she was preparing. Bacon, pancakes, eggs, coffee, all of his favorites, intermingled in the air. He closed his eyes again, inhaling the aroma of a home cooked meal, mixed with her scent in the sheets.

Can't hide in here forever. Gotta face the music eventually.

*****

She had been awake all night long, wondering and worrying. Wondering what he was thinking. Worrying about what she was feeling. Wondering where he had been. Worrying about how sick he really was. Wonder. Worry. Not much had changed at all.

On a normal day, she would have eaten a grapefruit, and gone to the gym for her morning workout. With Todd around, nothing was normal. Unpredictable would be a more accurate description…unpredictable, exciting. A pure adrenaline rush.

He would probably want to talk. She didn't have the strength, not this morning, maybe not ever. It wouldn't erase the tumultuous history that they shared. Words were just that…words. They meant nothing. Most often, they were misused or overstated anyway.

Facts were the things that counted. The fact was that he walked out, on their wedding day, left her for dead. The fact was he faked a personality disorder just to get himself out of a mess that was of his own creation. The fact was he was impotent. That could be the only explanation for his not seizing what was laid out right in front of him. It seemed that nobody else could resist and all he could do was run.

She kept telling herself that he was not her responsibility. When she did take responsibility for him, or at least tried to help him, all he did was push her away. Everything she did for the two years that they were together was for him. Survived a push out of a window by his deranged ex-wife. Stayed with him so he could maintain custody of his daughter. Loved him even though he punched her. Gave him everything she had to give…he tortured it and her.

Concentrate on what you're doing. Don't look behind you. There's nothing but pain and heartache back there…darkness. Go to the light. Look to the future.

"Hey Delgado."

"Oh hey. It'll be ready in just a minute. How are you feeling?" Just calm down…it's okay. He can only take what you give him. Don't give him the power.

"Better, I guess." He slid a chair out from under the kitchen table, sat, and watched her. Judging from the way she shoved the eggs from one side of the pan to the other, rapidly, he could tell she was nervous. Her foot tapped too. "How are you?"

"I'm fine. I'm fine. Uh, there's an extra toothbrush in my bathroom."

"Yeah, I found it. You really didn't have to go through all this trouble. I know how you love to sleep in," he joked. There was too much tension it the air, made him uneasy. She was too quiet…keeping too much inside.

She couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, well, we both need to eat. It's really not a problem."

*****

Pancakes were probably the only things in the world that Todd used utensils to eat. He said he didn't like that sticky, syrupy feel all over his hands. It didn't stop him from eating them sloppily anyway. Drowning them in butter and syrup, he shoved four or five squares in his mouth at one time.

His eating habits had always bothered Tea...they were so…Cro-Magnon. She found them to be less bothersome and more endearing as they ate breakfast. He shoveled food in his mouth like he hadn't eaten in months. Probably hadn't had a home cooked meal since he left Llanview. A part of her hoped he hadn't…if he had that would mean that it had probably been cooked by a woman.

They were over…why should she even care? He really hadn't even tried broaching the subject of their getting back together. Not that she would have taken him back, it's just the principle. If he loved her the way he said he did, shouldn't he at least try? How many times had he said there would always be something between them? Guess always has come to an end.

One of the hardest things for her, when they were together, was being so close to him and unable to touch him. When he would get angry, and look for something to throw, all she wanted to do was hold him until his anger dissipated, or transferred itself from his body to hers. She could handle it better, without destroying everything around her. Or when she would see pain in his eyes, and know he wanted to cry, she would want to rub his back. He wouldn't allow any of it, so she had to sit back and watch him deteriorate right in front of her eyes. Sitting across the table from him, she had that same urge to run to him and ease everything that was eating away at his insides. We are no longer married. We are over. Don't you get weak on me, Tea. Don't crack.

"Uh, I need to take a shower and get ready for work. You can stay as long as you like, just lock the door on your way out," she said, abruptly pushing her chair back from the table.

Can I stay forever? "Oh, okay…uh…okay."

*****

Todd was afraid that he had done something to cause her to leave so suddenly. One minute she was sitting there, thinking about something, then, she was talking about taking a shower. She didn't kick him out and trusted him enough to let him stay for as long as he wanted. He never wanted to leave her again. What good was he to her, though? What did he have to offer her? Absolutely nothing. Couldn't promise to be her lover. But he could promise to love her forever.

His problem with intimacy was probably the biggest obstacle in their relationship. She just didn't understand how hard it was to open up to anyone. People betrayed people. People hurt people. He did open up to her, as much as he could. There was a part that he still held back, but if he told her, everything, she would be out the door anyway. Life was totally fucked up.

While she was in the shower, he decided to nose around the place, give himself the grand tour. He wandered into the other rooms, turning his nose up at the decidedly feminine furnishings. It was in stark contrast of her bedroom and the living room. It was almost as if two different people occupied the same living space, one dark and depressed, the other, sunny and happy.

He had his hand on the doorknob, to enter the last bedroom, but the telephone interrupted him. He considered not answering it, it wasn't his phone after all, but his curiosity got the best of him. He found the cordless, with a caller I.D. display.

Delgado and Associates…hmm.

"Hello?"

"Uh, hello?" Caitlin did not expect for a man to answer the telephone. She was taken off guard.

"Yeah?"

"Yes, is Ms. Delgado in?"

"Yeah, she's in the shower."

"Oh, um, could you just let her know that her ten o'clock appointment called and cancelled?"

"Yeah." He hung up the phone and looked at the display again. Delgado and Associates, must be her law practice. He copied the telephone number and stuffed it in his pocket.

He went back to the door that he had not opened. As soon as he stepped inside, he was blinded by the pinkness of the room. Pink canopy bed, pink bedspread, pink curtains…pink everywhere. It looked like a giant pool of vomit. That's when he realized that it was Starr's room. There were stuffed animals all over the place, including a giant stuffed frog in the middle of the bed. On the nightstand, there was a framed picture of Starr, Tea and himself, taken at the wedding.

He remembered how Tea insisted that they have at least one "family portrait." Starr sat on Tea's lap, Todd put his arm around her. Him and his girls. For a few hours they were "one big happy family." He traced Starr's face with his finger, and then Tea's, regretting every wrong turn that he had made.

*****

Tea leaned her head back under the pulsing rain of water, with her eyes close. She hoped that he would be gone by the time she finished…she couldn't bear having to face him again. Not that she was weakening, there was just so much pain and anger inside, she felt like she was going to implode. With his being sick, it wasn't the ideal time to tell him what she really thought of him. She could play the sweet, concerned ex-wife for only so long.

She wondered if Viki had known he was in Manhattan. It was unlikely, seeing as how Starr and Viki had spent the entire weekend with her and had not left her sight. To think, he had been so close to her and she didn't even know it. If she had known, just a few days earlier, Starr would have been able to see him.

He was getting to her. The whole purpose of her rushing from the kitchen table was to get away from her feelings and the environment, which pushed them to the surface. Long ago, she had resigned herself to the fact that she would always love him. She had heard that you never forget "first loves." Todd was not only her first love, but also the love of her life. A double whammy.

Her mind drifted back to the previous night. At the bar, he seemed so out of it, so not himself. He was too calm. Sure, he did get into a slight altercation with Grant, nothing major. At a different time, he would have taken Grant outside and beat him to a bloody pulp. He was definitely not himself.

You're obsessing again Tea. He does not love you and he never did. Get over it. You cannot continue to try and save a man that does not want your help. Look what he did to you? Love is supposed to make you a better person, what did he do for you? He broke you, that's what he did. Don't kid yourself about his being a "bad boy" with a "good heart." Men like that, men who deliberately hurt to save their own hides, do not have "good hearts." They are narcissistic. Keep that in mind the next time you find yourself standing on weak knees. You are too good for his shit, Tea Delgado.

The fortress went up around her heart, blocking her from all feelings regarding Todd Manning. It was the only way she knew to protect herself from his wrath. Loving him was a painful curse that she was unlucky enough to be struck by. His wrath would haunt her for an eternity, into the next life.

*****

Freshly showered and clothed, Tea walked through her penthouse in search of Todd. She called his name a couple of times, and when he didn't answer, she began to worry. Just a little. She feared that he would be lying on the floor, dead. What kind of a nurse would leave their sick patient alone for a long time? Not a very good one. Then again, he could have just decided to leave, that's what he did best.

She noticed the door to Starr's room slightly cracked. She approached the door cautiously, peeking through the crack. He lay in the middle of the bed, his back to the door. A guilty feeling passed over her, she should have warned him that Starr had her own room there. Shit. Her feet were nailed to the ground. There were no words that could possibly ease what he must have felt the moment he opened the door, but it was his own fault. He chose to leave his life behind to go in search of what? Whatever.

Taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly, a meditation technique, she walked over to the bed. He didn't stir. The closer she got to the bed, the more her heart hurt. Looking over his shoulder, she could see that the framed picture of their family was clutched in his hands. She stared at it, remembering how hard it was to get him to sit still for the photographer. He was worse than Starr. It was the only picture she had of him smiling. It wasn't really a smile, more of a person whose image was frozen in mid-laugh. Tea chuckled to herself, thinking of how she had coerced him into looking happy by tickling him.

He was in such a deep sleep, he didn't feel her hand peeling his fingers from around the frame. Each light, featherlike touch, she savored as if it were her last. It was more than she ever imagined having with him ever again. Stolen touches wouldn't matter in awhile, he would be gone and she would get back to her "normal" little life. Cherish the moments.

She brought the frame to her chest, holding it close to her heart. That picture, captured one of the last times she was really happy.

"Come on daddy, smile." Turning to Tea, "Tee, tell daddy to smile."

"Todd."

"No, I'm not smilin'. Just take the picture so we can get out of here."

"Hold still Mr. Manning."

"Todd, would you just smile. We're not leaving here until you smile."

"Uh uh, no way Delgado."

"Daddy, you better do what Tee says or else you're gonna be in trouble. Right Tee?"

"Right."

"I'm not smilin' Delgado, so forget it."

"Okay, sweetie, I'm going to try something," Tea whispered in Starr's ear. "You just start smiling, I'll take care of your daddy." Tea wrapped one arm around Todd, and tickled his rib cage while simultaneously yelling, "now" to the photographer.

Click.

Tears formed in the corner of her eyes, which she wiped with the back of her hand. Putting the picture back on the nightstand, felt a steady stream of tears falling from her eyes. More than she could handle. She ran from the room, closing the door softly behind her.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE:: The stories published on The Florencia Lozano Home Page are the property of the individual authors. You may not: Distribute the text to others without the EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION of the copyright owner. You may: print copies of the information for your own personal use, store the files on your computer for your own personal use, reference hypertext documents on this server from your own documents.

This site (and linked sites) is not affiliated with ABC Soaps and is not endorsed by them. The images, characters and settings are all copyrighted by ABC Daytime. All material included on these pages is for educational purposes, in accordance with the "Fair Use" Act.