| AGAIN BY TORRI |
CHAPTER 14 |
Part 14
Lift me from this place
Take my hand
And lead me to eternity.
Wrap me in your arms
Comfort me,
Hold me,
Love me,
Save me from myself.
Make the tears stop flowing,
Chase the frown away,
Fill me with your love.
Rock me slowly,
Whisper in my ear,
Stroke my hair,
Slowly,
Until I fall asleep.
Wake me with your sweet kisses
Raining on my body.
He opens the door, slowly, wanting to savor the moment. He takes her hand in his, leading her into the living room.
"Oh, my, god. This is beautiful."
"Yeah, well, I thought you would like it," he says leading her to the kitchen.
"Like it, I love it. How long have you lived here?"
"I don't know, a few months I guess" he says as he gathers the ingredients for the hot fudge sundaes.
"This place is exquisite. The artwork, furniture, everything just fits."
"I picked everything myself. Not the decorations or anything, but I designed it, and told the decorator what colors to use."
"You had this place built?"
"Yeah, it was supposed to be my wedding gift to you," he says as he tops her sundae with a cherry.
"Really?"
"Yeah, it's not quite the white picket fence, but I think suits us."
"How come you didn't tell me?"
"I just wanted to surprise you, to see your eyes light up, like they did tonight."
"My eyes did not light up," she says as she takes a huge spoonful of ice cream.
"Yeah, they did. It's the same look you used to get when you told me you loved me. Your eyes would do this thing, and like, sparkle."
"If you can read me that well, tell me what my eyes are doing now?"
"They're kinda glossed over, like you're scared or nervous."
"I'm a little of both, I guess."
"Tea, I'm sorry. I am so sorry for everything that I did to you. I never, I never wanted to hurt you, but it seems the harder I tried, the more I did just the opposite. Can we go in the living room and talk? It's more comfortable," he walks to the next room, and turns on the CD player. Luther Vandross is playing. She follows him, and sits on the couch. He dims the lights, and sits next to her.
"I don't know where to start. I've dreamed about this moment for months, and now that it's here, I don't know what to say."
"Say what's in your heart."
"Before I left Llanview, I ran into Vicki and she said that I should find Todd, and I didn't know what that meant. And I went to therapy, and I felt better about myself, but something was still missing. And no matter how hard I tried, and where I looked, I could not find him. Then I realized that you were the part that was missing. Tea, you complete me."
"Have you been watching "Jerry McGuire" again?" She asks smiling.
"Yeah, but it's true. I can't find the words to tell you how much you mean to me. Nothing seems strong enough, you know? I have tried to live without you, but everywhere I turn, I see you. I mean, not you, but I think I see you. I can't run anymore, I can't resist my feelings for you anymore. I don't want to-"
"Todd-"
"No let me finish. I did some really rotten things to you, but, in a way, I'm glad things happened the way they did. I'm sorry that you had to get hurt in the process, but it made me get help, and deal with my stuff."
"What stuff?" She asks as she puts her empty bowl on the table.
"The stuff that Peter did to me. I needed help back when I was a kid, but I was too ashamed and scared to ask for it. I needed help as an adult, instead of getting it, I took my rage out on everyone around me. It wasn't until I fell in love with you, and hurt you, that I realized that I had to make some changes."
"We both needed to make some changes."
"Tea, please forgive me," he says as he takes her hands in his and gently massages them. She rises from the couch and goes to the window, taken aback by what he just said. Several moments pass, before he walks up behind her. He wraps his arms around her, holding her, without saying a word. She suddenly starts sobbing uncontrollably, turns around, and buries her head in his chest.
"Why now? Why are you doing this to me?"
"What? What am I doing?"
"You're confusing me. I'm not going to pretend that I'm over you, I'll never be over you. I'm just so scared."
"Of what?"
"Of what I'm feeling right now. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be in the same room without wanting you. I don't know how to look in your eyes, and not get completely lost. I am drowning in my feelings for you, trying to grab something to keep me afloat."
"What do you mean?"
"Todd, my feelings for you consume me. When we were together, I gave you everything that I had. I basically gave up my career, my friends, everything, just so that I would be available to you," she breaks from his grasp and sits back on the couch.
"I never asked you to do that," he says staring out the window.
"I know. See, I was learning about love just like you, and I thought that part of being in love was giving the other person everything, including your life. And when you left, I didn't know who I was, I wanted to die. You know what my life raft was? You," she says willing him to look into her eyes and see her pain.
"Me?" He asks as he turns and finds her eyes.
"Yes. I just wanted to see you one more time so that I could find out why you lied about that DID, and left before we had a chance to talk."
"You said to get out of your life," he joins her on the couch.
"Since when have you ever listened?"
"Back then? Never. You wanna know why I left? I saw you in that hospital room, and I couldn't take it. Knowing that I had done that to you, I seriously wanted to die."
"You didn't put me there, I did. I'm the one who set that cabana on fire."
"I'm the one that caused to you react the way you did. I went to Vicki's cabin, with my gun, and I was going to end it right then and there. But I started thinking about Starr, and you, and I couldn't do it. I realized that I needed to go somewhere and get help, only then could I come back and beg for your forgiveness."
"You don't have to beg," she says softly.
"What do I have to do then?"
"I forgave you a long time ago. You weren't the only one in therapy. I learned that I had to forgive myself, and in the process, forgive you. I knew in my heart, that you couldn't fake the DID, but at some point, I started to distrust my instincts."
"What did you have to forgive yourself for?"
"For blaming myself for what happened to us. It's been so difficult, the therapy, working through so many feelings and emotions."
"Where do we go from here?"
"Let's just see what happens, okay? No promises though."
"If that's what you want. Thank you," he puts his arm around her and she leans on his shoulder.
"You're welcome," she looks at her watch and sees that it's three in the morning. "It's getting really late."
"Yeah, do you wanna stay? I mean, in a spare room, or you can have the master bedroom if you want."
"Um, I should get back to the hotel, but it is late. You sure you don't mind if I stay here?"
"Nope. Follow me," they go up the stairs and into one of the bedrooms. "Wait here, I'll get you something to wear."
She looks around as she waits for him. Tea, what are you doing? He comes back and hands her a t - shirt and a pair of shorts.
"Do you need anything else?"
"Would you just hold my hand until I fall asleep?" She asks hopefully.
"Yeah, sure. You know how I used to have those nightmares about Peter? I don't have them that much anymore, but I have another nightmare that took its place. I dream that you hate me and never want to see me again. Every time, I wake up at the part right before I tell you how much you mean to me. Now that you're here, I can just say it. You saved my life, with your tough love, and understanding and trust. I promise, this time I'm not going to screw it up," he kisses her forehead and strokes her hair until she falls asleep.
