| AGAIN BY TORRI |
CHAPTER 9 |
Part 9
You are my friend,
my hope,
my joy,
my sorrow,
you are my heart.
You are my breath,
my soul,
my happiness,
my sadness,
you are my love.
Words all describing what you mean to me,
but each time I try to tell you,
the words get in the way.
Maybe it's not the words at all,
.maybe it's the fear of being rejected.
Maybe it's the uncertainty of our relationship.
I have always thought that when you could not function
without someone,
all control was lost.
Your life was no longer your own.
I promised myself that I would never feel like that.
Control is my lifeline,
and once that is gone,
I am powerless.
In spite of myself,
I have lost all control to you.
I vow to give all of my love to you,
and you alone.
"Who is this?" the sleepy voice asks. Todd hesitates, thinking about what to say. "Hello?" the voice is getting fed up.
"Yeah, is this Nick?"
"Yeah, who's this?"
"Todd Manning. I need to talk to you."
Nick looks at the clock. "Do you realize it's two in the morning?"
"Oh, sorry about that. I forgot about the time difference."
"Can't this wait until the morning?" Nick asks, as he rubs his eyes.
"It is morning. I need to talk to you now before I lose the nerve."
"Alright. I take it you talked to your sister."
"Yeah," Todd puts on a cup of coffee.
"What did she tell you?" Nick does the same on his end.
"Not much. Just that you're a friend of Tea's and you want us to get back together. She said that you wanted to talk to me."
"Yeah."
"About what?"
"I don't know you, but I do know Tea. I know what she's been through-"
"What do you mean?"
"Just that she's had a rough life, that's all. Tea has always worn this protective shield to keep people from getting too close, not once had she let it down. With you, there was obviously something different. I know that she loved you very much, and still loves you. I've seen her through some of the worse periods of her life, and I have never seen her like this."
"Is, is she okay?"
"Physically, she's fine," he pours his coffee "emotionally, it's a different story. I don't pretend to know everything about your relationship, frankly, I don't think I want to know. I don't know what you've done to my friend, but I know only you can undo it."
Todd impatiently sips from his coffee, and burns his tongue. "Damnit. Okay, so what do you want me to do?"
"I want you to be a man, and take care of your mess. I want you to tell her, in person, everything you wrote in that letter. If you could have seen her face, that glow that lasted only a second, then disappeared when she came back to reality, it would have broken your heart."
"You think this has been easy for me? Knowing that I did the one thing that I promised I would never do, hurt her. I live with that fact every day of my life, and it kills me."
"You're doing the same thing her."
"So, what, you just wanted lecture me about my relationship with my wife? Is that the only reason you wanted to talk to me?"
"She's not your wife anymore."
"What," Todd squeezes the coffee cup in his hand, until it breaks in his hand.
"She had your marriage annulled."
"No," his voice cracks "no, she wouldn't. What? Oh god," he hangs up the phone before he starts to sob uncontrollably.
Oh man, Delgado, I never thought you would do this to us. Why am I blaming you? It's all my fault. It's always my fault. Please, don't let it be too late.
He wanders through the house, trying to figure out what to do. He is drawn to the exercise room. He turns on the stereo, which is tuned to a Latin station. He starts by running on the treadmill. Sweat begins to pour down his face and chest. Like a man possessed, he goes from free weights to punching bags. From Stairmaster to the Abdominizer. Nothing he did could take his mind off of her. He knew there was no more running, no more avoiding. With that, he picks up the phone and makes the call that he's been dreading. Slowly, tentatively, he dials the numbers, one after the other.
She hears the phone ringing, and jumps with a startle. She looks at the clock and sees that it's three-thirty in the morning. Who could be calling at this hour? The question was almost stupid, she knew that it could only be one person, Todd. Maybe I should just let it ring. What if it's an emergency? What if he needs me? She slowly reaches for the receiver and brings it to her ear.
"Hello," she says. She hears someone breathing. "Who is this?" still, no response. "Todd, I know it's you."
"Were you sleepin'?" he closes his eyes, savoring the sound of her voice.
"No."
"Um, so, uh, how are you?"
"Fine."
"Did you read what I wrote for you?"
"Yes."
"Well?"
"Well what Todd? What do you expect me to say?"
"Did you like it? Don't worry, if you didn't it won't hurt my feelings."
She pauses and takes a deep breath before answering. The mere sound of his voice made her heart skip a beat. "Yes, I did like it. I just wish you could have said those things to me months ago, when it could have made a difference."
"I tried."
"When? When did you try?"
"Every time we were in the same room together, Tea. You're just so beautiful, and smart, and confident, I knew that if I opened my mouth I would have just screwed everything up. I always screw things up."
"Why are you calling me after all these months?"
"I miss you. Do you miss me?" he asks hopefully.
"I wish I could say no, I should say no, but I can't. Yes I do miss you," her voice catches.
"I never wanted to hurt you."
"But it's all you ever did," she said, immediately sorry. "I didn't mean that."
"No, you're right."
"We both did hurtful things."
"Yeah, we did. Do you remember the night I proposed for the second time?"
"Yes," she tries to blink back the tears.
"Okay, so after you fell asleep, I went back to the bar and I saw your brother."
"You never told me about that."
"It was guy stuff. So anyway, we were talking and he told me that if I ever hurt you he'd kill me. So I said that if I hurt you, I wanted him to kill me. The day things got all screwy and I left, in a way I did die."
"What do you mean?"
"I feel like a zombie Tea, but you, you make me feel alive. You know what I mean?"
"You did the same for me."
"Can I do it again?"
"Todd, it's late, and I'm tired."
"Oh, okay, I'll let you go." He takes a deep breath before continuing. "Can I call you again? I mean, would that be okay?"
"I don't know."
"Oh," trying to hide the disappointment in his voice.
"Just give me some time."
"Oh, okay, time I can do. Goodnight," he hangs up the phone.
