| AGAIN BY TORRI |
CHAPTER 7 |
Part 7
I've Changed
I know I've been unkind.
Tearing us apart, hurting you deep inside.
And I know I have done you so wrong,
I don't know how you did it, loving me all along.
I never stopped thinking of you,
wondering if there was anything I could do.
I said I needed space when I started to lose control,
all I really wanted was your mind, body and soul.
Please forgive me for the things I've done.
I want you to know, you're the only one.
I surrender my love, body and heart,
just as long as we're never apart.
Though I've given you reasons to doubt,
I know this time what love is about.
And now I've changed,
I'm a whole new person,
I want to right all my wrongs
And start to move on.
I've changed
I'm a whole new person
Let's start over together
Let this love last forever.
"Oh my god," Tea exclaims, "where did you get this. I mean I know where you got it, but, oh my god." She removes the framed evening edition of The Banner, with the headline "Former Sun Publisher Begs Forgiveness."
"Would you like me to leave you alone while you read it?" Nick asks.
"Yes, please," he turns to leave. "Wait, how did you know about this?"
"I have my ways. I'm going to head back to my room, call me if you need me," he kisses her cheek before he leaves. "Night."
"Night." Tea walks back to the table, takes a deep breath, and begins to read the article.
Delgado,
It's been a long time, too long. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you, and what our lives could have been if I hadn't of screwed up. I am so sorry. I'm not going to make excuses for what I did, it's inexcusable, all I can do is beg for your forgiveness. I have no right to even ask for that, but I don't know what else to do. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I just wander the streets aimlessly, seeing your face everywhere I turn. I wonder what you're doing, if you're thinking about me, if you miss me.
I never thought I could feel so empty. I always thought I was empty, until you came along and filled me with stuff I never knew possible. My mother used say "My cup runneth over," and I never knew what that meant until you showed me. You filled my heart with so much love, there were times I thought I would explode from my feelings for you. When I looked in the mirror, I saw garbage, someone unworthy of breath, but you changed all of that. You made me believe that if someone like you could love me, I might not be all bad. Every chance I got, I tested your love, and everytime, you forgave me. I did things to you that no human being should ever have to experience, but you always came back. I didn't appreciate it until I had to wake up each morning, alone, with you nowhere in sight. And it hurts. I hurt, Tea.
I keep thinking about the good times that we spent together. I remember right before we went to the Bayberry Inn, I bought you that scarf and put it around your neck. I'll never forget the feel of your silky hair against my fingers. I'll never forget that look in your eyes, I wanted you so bad. I remember our first kiss, and how good it felt, and how scared I was. I remember the night when I had a nightmare and you held my hand all night. And I'll never forget the night that you accepted my second proposal, and how beautiful you looked. I carry those memories of you, they're all I have, and that's pretty pathetic.
I've been trying to figure out why I would throw away the very best woman to ever come into my life, and I don't know the answer. Yeah, I was scared of hurting you, but you told me time and time again, that I made you happy. And I knew, Tea, that what hurt you most when I pulled away from you. But I did it anyway. I think deep down, whenever you left, I knew you would come back. You loved me too much. Maybe you didn't love me too much, you just loved me without demands, and I took advantage of that.
In the beginning of our relationship, you challenged me in every way, and that's one of the things that attracted me to you. You were never afraid of me, never afraid to get in my face and tell me exactly what was on your mind. Then, something changed. I can't describe it, but at some point we both became different people. I sucked the life out of you, and everyone around me because I knew I could get away with it. I have been lucky enough to have women in my life that would forgive me for anything, so I kept testing those boundaries. I finally pushed you too far, and I don't know how to pull you back.
I used to feel like I was dangling from the edge of a cliff, with only your hand to keep me from falling. No matter what I said, or what I did, you never let go. When I pushed you away, you held me tighter. The irony of it all, is that I was the one who let go first. I never thought that I would be able to grab onto anything else, and that I would just die. I wanted to die, but I kept thinking about a promise I made to you. I said that I would never leave you like your mother, and I try not to break the promises that I make to people I love. So I grabbed on to that promise, and the promise I made that there would always be something between us, and I pulled myself back from the edge of that cliff. And I survived.
After I left town, I went in search of myself. I don't know what I was expecting to find, but I hoped to find some of that good stuff that you seemed to see in me. I went through therapy, and I discovered so much about Thomas Todd Manning. It wasn't easy, but with the help of my therapist, I was able to get to the root of my anger, and deal with it. I didn't share much about my childhood with you, but I know now that I have to.
You know the basics, my mother left me with Peter Manning, and he abused me. Day in, and day out, he would beat me. There were times when he beat me unconscious. There were times when I was confined to a bed for days after one of his beatings. I have had so many fractured and broken bones, all courtesy of Peter. There were times when he would refuse me food, and I had to dig through the garbage for the scraps the dog didn't eat. Tea, I saw so much, and experienced so much, that I began to get lost in my head, it was my only escape.
It seemed like every year, he would find a new way to torture me. From mental abuse, to physical, to eventually sexual. The first time was on my fourteenth birthday. He demonstrated on me how to be a "real" man. That was the night that I tried to kill him. Ever since then, I have had the ability to leave my body when things got to tough for me to handle. I even leave my body when I don't necessarily want to. I guess what I'm getting at, is that the DID was real.
I thought I was so smart, fooling the whole town, but the joke was on me. If you don't believe me, call Nora's sister, she's the one that treated me. Each day is still a struggle for me to remain in control, but so far, I've been able to do it.
In some strange way, I'm glad that things turned out the way they did for us. I'm not happy that I hurt you, that's the last thing that I ever wanted to do, but I never would have gotten help if things were different. I think about what our marriage would have been, me lashing out, you crying, me running away. A never - ending cycle. I think we probably would have destroyed each other.
I love you so much Tea, you will never know how much. You are a part of my soul, the very best par. Without you I am only a half person. I want to be whole, I want to be complete, and only you can complete me. You are absolutely the best woman to ever come into my life, and I want you back. I have made so many changes in my life, and for the first time in my life, I feel worthy of love. I just want a chance to show you the man that I have become. You made me a better man, and I thank you.
I Love You Mind, Body and Soul
Todd Manning
Tea finished reading the article as tears dropped from her eyes onto the frame. She runs her fingers along the side of the frame, and traces the headline with her finger. "What are you doing to me?"
"Who are you talking to?" asks Rachel who has just come onto the terrace.
"Nobody," she answers, wiping her eyes, and putting the frame back into the box.
"Have you read the evening edition of The Banner?" walking over to Tea, showing her the article.
"Uh, yes."
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"What do you think about Todd and his apology?"
"I don't know. I want to believe him so bad-"
"But-"
"But I've heard it all before," Tea sits down in her chair and begins to sob uncontrollably.
"Girlfriend," putting her arm around her friend "you have got to get it together."
"I know, but Rachel, it's just so hard."
"Since when have you ever liked easy?"
Unbeknownst to Tea and Rachel, Nick is listening to their conversation. He removes his cell phone from his breast pocket, and dials the number for information.
"City and state," the operator asks.
"Llanview, Pennsylvania. The Banner."
A few minutes later, he calls The Banner and asks for Vicki Carpenter.
"Hello, this is Victoria Carpenter."
"Mrs. Carpenter, my name is Nicholas Bastian, I'm a friend of Tea's."
"Is she alright?"
"Yes. I wanted to talk to you about the letter you ran in this evening's edition."
"Ah yes, you and apparently the rest of Llanview. Out phones have been ringing nonstop."
"I bet. Listen I'm calling because I would like to get in touch with you brother."
"Why?"
"Because I owe Tea my life, and I would like to give hers back to her. If that means getting her and Todd back together, then I will do whatever it takes to make that happen."
