Sometimes the pain in our heart is the greatest pain known to man. Physical wounds heal, maybe not one hundred percent, but they do heal. Emotional wounds stay with us, eat away at us, and slowly, they can destroy us. Sometimes, the only way to escape the emotional pain, is to just die, but even then it’s possible that the pain follows us. Is there any escape?
Llanview, PA
July, 1999
Tea Delgado is lying in the bed that once belonged to her ex-husband, Todd Manning. It had been several weeks since she moved back into the penthouse, yet she still had not moved into the master bedroom. She had not even changed the sheets, his scent still so strong. Thoughts of him filled her mind, her heart, her soul. She had long given up on the prospect of healing, deciding instead to just endure. She tried to move on with her life, taking on a new job, dating John Sykes, cutting her hair. No matter what she did, he was still there, in her heart.
It’s funny how love works. I tried so hard, so hard to keep our deal “just business,” but you were just so beautiful, so vulnerable. How could I not fall? And those eyes, those gorgeous eyes that controlled me. Did you ever love me Todd, huh? Or was I just another pawn in your sick, pathetic life? Damn it, I didn’t mean that. Why did you leave? You promised me that you would never leave like my mother, but you did. I know that I told you to leave, but you had to know that I spoke those words out of anger. You knew me better than anyone, you could read me like a book, so why did you give up so easily? I miss you so much, I do. I worked as an ADA for a few months, but I gave it up. It was fun while it lasted, but never as challenging as trying to keep you out of jail. I tried dating John Sykes, what was I thinking? Then I cut my hair. I didn’t care for it at first, but it grew on me. I don’t get to see Starr anymore, Blair “The Bitch” Cramer is keeping her away from me. I know she misses you though. I miss you, do you know that? Sometimes I think we have this telepathic thing between us, and sometimes I think I feel you presence. I wonder if those are the times that you’re thinking about me. Do you think of me Todd? I am trying so hard to go on with my life, but I cannot make myself forget you. You have hurt me more than I ever dreamed possible, and I try to hate you for that, but I can’t. I don’t even know if I want you in my life, I just want to know that you’re alright. I have this feeling, like something’s wrong, like you need me. I guess what I really need is closure. These past few months have been hell for me. I’ve turned into someone I don’t even recognize. Actually, I think the transformation started somewhere around the time you punched me. I went from being an individual, to someone who was defined by you, consumed by you. Lately, it’s like someone else is writing this really bad script of my life, and I’m merely acting it out.
When I was a kid, I used to dream of falling in love. I dreamed that we would be married, live in a luxurious home in the country, have a few kids, and live happily ever after. No arguments, no fights, just us loving each other. As I grew older, I began to realize that maybe that life wasn’t for me. I needed excitement, spontaneity, unpredictability, and I had all of that with you. People used to wonder how I could love you, to me it was the most natural thing in the world. Loving you was as natural to me as breathing. I think that from the first time I saw you, I wanted you. Not necessarily in a sexual way, I just wanted to be a part of your life, a part of your world. I felt like I could understand you in a way that no one else could. Like we were different sides of the same coin. It’s weird, I know, but it was like an instant, unpenetrable connection between us. I still feel that connection, and I don’t know how to escape.
Todd, we have said, and done so many hurtful things to one another. I regret so many things that happened between us, and so many of the things that never happened between us. Sometimes I dream of making love to you, first your mind, then your body. When I wake up, and realize you aren’t there, I lie in bed crying for you. It’s not just a cry from my heart, it’s a cry from the darkest corners of my soul. My soul, Todd. I don’t know which pain is worse, the pain of living with you, or the pain of not being able to live without you. I realized something, what I’m going through right now, this isn’t living. This is merely existing, walking through each day like a zombie.
I Love You
Delgado
Tea gets up from the bed and walks back to her bedroom. Going straight to her closet, she removes a shoebox. She kneels next to her bed, and places the box on the mattress. Slowly, methodically, she removes the box top, to reveal a stack of letters, held together with a peach ribbon. Carefully, she removes the ribbon and places the letter on top of the pile.
It has become a ritual for Tea to write a letter to Todd, at least once a week. She knew that he would probably never read the letters, but it did help her make it through her toughest days. It was actually her therapist’s suggestion, to write letters to Todd. At first, she was resistant to the idea, but it became easier with each letter.
Tea had been seeing Andrea, her therapist, two times a week for the past six weeks. Although she never wanted to admit it, Tea needed therapy just as badly as Todd. Andrea had been a godsend. It was refreshing to be able to talk about Todd to someone without being judged.
2 Hours Later
The Penthouse
Tea is sitting on the couch watching “Titanic.” I don’t know why I picked this depressing movie. As if I’m not depressed enough. Todd, you were my Jack Dawson, do you know that? A knock interrupts her thoughts.
“Just a minute,” Tea yells as she pauses the videotape. She answers the door, and is shocked to see who is on the other side. “Rachel, I, I didn’t know you were released.”
“I just thought I’d surprise you,” Rachel says as she embraces her.
“Come on in and have a seat.” The two women sit on the couch. “Would you like something to eat, or drink?” Tea asks.
“No thanks,” responds Rachel. There is a slight tension in the air that each woman tries to ignore.
“So, how long have you been out?”
“I was actually released three months ago, but I spent some time traveling.”
“I was wondering what happened to you. I wanted to ask Hank or Nora, but I didn’t know how to approach the subject.”
“This may sound a little strange, but spending time in prison was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I realized how good I had it growing up, and it made me want to help people. I’ve decided to go back to school and pursue a teaching degree.”
“That’s great, Rachel.”
“I think I finally found myself. So how about you, how have you been?”
“I’ve been good,” Tea says unconvincingly.
“Yeah, right.”
“I don’t want to talk about me right now,” she is twirling her wedding band that now hangs around her neck.
“Tea? Tea, are you alright?”
“Yes, I’m fine. I think teaching is exactly the right thing for you.”
“Okay, girlfriend, talk to me,” putting an arm around her friend.
“Rachel, it’s just so hard. I loved him, more than I ever thought possible. He was both the best thing, and the worst thing to ever happen to me. Do you know about the things that went on between us?”
“I know enough.”
“I wish that damned tape had never been played. I could be pregnant with our first child. We could be moving into our new home. We should be doing all of those things.”
“But he lied to you.”
“I’m not so sure. I have the tape, and I’ve played it at least a thousand times. There’s something not right.”
“What do you mean?”
Tea gets up from the couch, and begins to pace. “At one point, Todd, or whoever, says to hell with Starr. That’s something that Todd would never, ever say. And something else, Blair basically tells Todd that if he doesn’t tell Starr that there are no other personalities, she would make sure that he never saw her again. He was between a rock and a hard place.”
“Are you saying you believe he had DID?”
“I don’t know what I’m saying. I just know that something isn’t right. I just wish to God that I knew where he was. I just, I just I miss him so much. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this hurt and pain.”
TO BE CONTINUED
2001 COPYRIGHT BY TORRI
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