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CHAPTER 23 |
PREVIOUSLY:
Todd doesn't know what to do. He knows that she's hurting, but he doesn't know what he can do to stop it. He knows that his being near her is adding to her pain, the same way being near her adds to his pain. But, he also knows that being near her eases his pain. It makes no sense to him how she can both add to, and soothe, his pain, but she does. He accepts that he'd rather be in the agony he's in when he's with her, feeling all of the emotions that she brings out in him, rather than being stuck in the constant state of numbness that he always seems to be in when they're apart. Now, he just needs to figure out how to convince Tea to accept the agony of the love he wants so desperately to shower her with.
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chapter 23:
[Todd waits several minutes for Tea's crying to subside. He rubs her back, not knowing what else to do, to help her stop hurting so much.]
Tea: Todd?
Todd: Yeah?
Tea: Could you help me to my chair now?
Todd: All you had to do was ask.
[Todd helps her turn her body so that she's on her back again. Their eyes meet for several intense moments, until Todd finally breaks their gaze and picks her up.
He begins carrying her toward his van.]
Tea: What about the blanket?
Todd: Let some beach bum have it. I have more in the van.
Tea: You really do think of everything, don't you?
Todd: I'm trying, but it would be easier if you helped me.
Tea: I've tried. You refuse to leave.
[Todd waits until they're back at the van and he's placed her in her wheelchair before he speaks again. He kneels down as he talks to her, wanting to be at her eye level.]
Todd: Why do you think that my leaving you and going back to Llanview would be better for me than staying here with you?
Tea: It's where your family is. It's where your heart belongs.
[Tea reaches her hand out and gently touches the side of his face.]
Tea: I want you to be happy. I want you to feel...
Todd: What? What the hell do you want me to feel?
Tea: We should be getting back.
Todd: When's your therapy session? Do you even have one today?
Tea: I want to work on building my strength up. I need to be able to do things for myself.
Todd: So you can get out of that place and put an end to how lousy you feel?
Tea: You should go home.
Todd: I haven't found a place for us yet.
Tea: Your home in Llanview.
Todd: I don't have a home in Llanview. I own places, but they don't feel like homes.
Tea: Reunite with your family and it will feel like home again. You'll be so happy.
[Todd watches as tears fill Tea's eyes.]
Todd: Don't you ever want to be happy again?
Tea: It's not an option for me, like it is for you.
Todd: Have you ever been happy?
Tea: I don't know. I thought, for a little while, maybe...
Todd: Maybe it could happen again. And, this time, you won't have to wonder...you'll know. You'll be happy. You'll feel loved. You'll feel like you're with someone who sees you, who you really are on the inside, no matter what's going on with the outside of your body.
Tea: This isn't pity.
Todd: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Tea: I meant that this isn't me pitying myself. I may regain the use of my legs, or I may not. Either way, I could live with it.
Todd: But, you don't want to?
Tea: No.
Todd: Why?
Tea: It just hurts too much.
Todd: Does it hurt more when I'm with you?
Tea: Yes.
Todd: Does it hurt less when I'm with you?
Tea: I just told you...
Todd: I know what you told me. I know you meant it. But, that doesn't mean that my being around you can't help you, too. You help me. I hate the way it feels when I'm around you. I hate the way you're always digging around inside me. I hate that when I'm with you I start digging around in there, too. I hate that you don't look at me like I'm a lost cause. I hate that you make me think there's something in me that's okay...something that you can love. I hate believing that you love me...or, wanting to believe it. Being with you hurts...and it doesn't hurt. It feels lousy...and it feels good...or, at least, okay. It's what I want. It's what I don't want. Is it like that for you?
Tea: It would be a mistake to try again.
Todd: You're such a wimp, Delgado.
Tea: I am not.
Todd: You're a wimp. You're not strong enough to handle your feelings for me. You're letting them beat you down.
Tea: This isn't about you.
Todd: Sure, it is. Everything's about me. I'm the center of the universe.
[Todd feels relief as he watches as Tea is unable to stop herself from smiling.]
Todd: At least, I know I'm the center of yours.
Tea: Is that what you think?
Todd: You're the center of mine.
Tea: No, I'm not. Starr is.
Todd: She doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.
Tea: Because of me.
Todd: Because I screwed up. I didn't screw up by coming here. I screwed up so many other ways, though.
Tea: Go back and fix it.
Todd: I can't.
Tea: You need to try.
Todd: It wouldn't work anyway. She has this idea that if I just hook up with Blair again everything will be okay...everyone will suddenly stop being miserable and start being happy.
Tea: Maybe...
Todd: It didn't work. I even started to believe it a little. There were moments when Starr seemed happy with what was going on and that made me feel good. But, it didn't stop me from feeling lousy about everything else. It wouldn't have worked out the way she wanted it to. It was never going to.
Tea: You need to try harder. You can't give up, if there's a chance...
Todd: There's a chance right here. So, I shouldn't give up, right?
Tea: I can't give you what you need. I've tried in the past but I was never able to give you want you needed. If you can find that by reuniting your family, you need to go back and keep trying. Don't give up until you have the happiness that you deserve.
Todd: I don't deserve happiness.
Tea: You do. You're so special.
Todd: What kind of drugs do they have you on?
Tea: I'm serious. You have so much to offer. You just need to let down your guard and let the people that love you have access to that great big heart of yours.
Todd: Seriously, what kind of drugs? I want to try them myself.
Tea: It's not my medication talking. I've always believed that if you just opened up and allowed people to see, and touch, those parts of yourself that you keep so guarded and shut off from everyone...
Todd: What would happen if I let my guard down?
Tea: You could allow yourself to feel loved.
Todd (whispering): That's a miserable feeling.
to be continued...
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