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| IN THE FUTURE BY TIMA |
CHAPTER 7 |
PREVIOUSLY
Todd: Who cares. Unless you have work you have to do?
Tea: No, nothing that can't wait.
Todd: Then let's go home.
Tea: I would love to.
[Tea and Todd say their good-byes and leave. Viki spends the rest of her time at the diner trying to convince Carlotta that Tea and Todd being back together is a good thing.]
[It's late at night, Tea is sleeping with her head on Todd's chest. Todd suddenly jerks awake. Tea wakes up as he pushes her away from him.]
Tea: What's wrong?
Todd: Nothing.
Tea: Don't do this, Todd. Tell me what's wrong.
Todd (harshly): I said it's nothing. Now leave me alone.
Tea: You had another nightmare. What was this one about?
Todd: Nothing. I didn't have a nightmare. Why won't you just leave me alone?
Tea (trying to comfort him with her hand on his arm): It's okay.
Todd (jerking away): Shut up! You don't know what you're talking about.
[Todd picks up several objects on the nightstand and throws them across the room. He begins pacing frantically.]
Tea: Todd...
Todd: Go away. Leave me alone.
Tea: Why don't you just tell me what the nightmare was about? Maybe I can help you deal with it.
Todd: If you won't leave me alone then I'll leave.
Tea: I don't want you to leave.
Todd: Then shut up.
Tea: Do you want me to call your therapist?
Todd: That idiot? Why would I want him involved? This is all his fault...wanting me to talk about all this stuff...wanting me to relive it. I'm through with him. He's not gonna get anymore thrills out of watching my pain. I don't need him. I don't need any of you. I was doing fine before without dealing with any of this.
Tea: No, you weren't, and you know it.
Todd: Can't you just leave it alone? I'll be fine if you just leave me alone.
Tea: What about Viki? Would it be okay if I called Viki?
Todd: Why would you want to do that?
Tea: Because you're in really bad shape here, Todd. This is worse than any of the other nightmares you've had.
Todd: You can handle it by yourself.
Tea: No, I can't. I need help. This is more than I can handle alone. Let me call someone.
Todd: I don't want anyone else to know.
Tea: Know what? What is it?
Todd: I can't say.
Tea: Viki would understand. She's been where you are. She could help you.
Todd: You help me.
Tea: You need more than me tonight. I don't think I can handle you alone right now.
Todd: I don't know if I can talk about it in front of her.
Tea: Talk about what?
Todd: It doesn't matter. Go ahead, call her if you want to, but don't expect me to talk about it because I won't...not to you, not to her, not to anyone, ever.
[Tea uses the phone in the living room while Todd continues to pace in the bedroom.]
Viki: Hello?
Tea: Viki, this is Tea. I'm sorry to wake you.
Viki: Is something wrong?
Tea: Todd is in really bad shape.
Viki: What do you mean?
Tea: He woke up from a nightmare. The worst one I've seen him have. He's been having a lot of them lately but this one is especially bad.
Viki: What kind of nightmares?
Tea: He relives things that happened in the past. Mostly things from his childhood. This time it must have been something really bad. He's extremely agitated and he isn't breathing right. He refuses to talk to his therapist.
Viki: Do you know what this nightmare was about?
Tea: No. He won't tell me. Many of the events from the past, the things that he had blocked out, that he remembers now, have been coming back to him when he's asleep. I think that's probably what happened tonight. If it was something that he already knew about I don't think he would hide it from me.
Viki: Has he been telling you about his nightmares in the past?
Tea: Yes. He's told me a lot about the things his father did to him. It's hardest for him, though, when the memories come at night. He's never been comfortable about sleeping because of the things his father did to him at night but now falling asleep is even harder because the nightmares have been more often and are about things he didn't remember before. He doesn't handle these nightmares very well but this is definitely the worst that I've ever seen him.
Viki: I'll be right over.
Tea: Thank you.
[Later...]
Tea (opening the door): I'm so glad you're here.
Viki (seeing the panic in Tea's eyes): Is he doing any better than he was when you called me?
Tea: He started throwing up shortly after I called you. Whatever he remembered is really affecting him.
Viki: He still hasn't told you about the nightmare?
Tea: No. I stopped even trying to get him to talk. I hoped maybe he would calm down if I stopped pushing him.
[Todd walks out of the bathroom and into the bedroom without looking at, or even acknowledging, Tea or Viki. They join him in the bedroom. Todd sits on the bed with a pillow clutched in front of him. Tea sits down on the edge of the bed. Viki is scared by how horrible and defeated Todd looks.]
Tea (gently): Would you like me to get you something to settle your stomach?
Todd: I just threw up everything inside of me. There's nothing left.
Tea: Would you like me to leave you alone with Viki so the two of you can talk?
Todd: I want you both to leave me alone but I never get what I want.
Tea: I can't leave you alone. I'm worried about you.
Viki: So am I. Tea told me you had a nightmare. I've had some of those myself. Maybe it would help if you talked about it.
Todd: Talking may work for you but I am not you.
Viki: What do you think would work for you?
Todd: Not remembering. That was working for me just fine.
Viki: I seriously doubt that.
Todd: What good does remembering do? It just makes you feel bad.
Viki: So, you feel bad because of something you remembered tonight?
Todd: I don't feel anything. I'm a monster, remember?
Viki: I don't believe that. I know how hard it is, Todd, to remember horrible things that never should have happened to you.
Todd: I'm sorry about what happened to you, I really am, but it's different. You don't know what this is like.
Viki: Then why don't you tell me what it's like for you.
Todd: You don't want to know. It's disgusting...it's sick...it's perverted. No one should have to know about something like that.
Viki: No they shouldn't. Whatever it is that happened to you should not have happened but it did and you can't change that. All you can do is find a way to live with it.
Todd (softly): No.
Tea (scared): Todd?
Viki: Todd, I know what it's like to want the memories, the feelings, the pain to go away so much that death seems preferable...
Todd: Then you'll let me go.
Viki: No, I won't. I love you. I am not ready to lose my brother. I survived the horror of recalling my own childhood and I know that you can survive this. Whatever it is, you can survive it. You have to give it time and you have to give the people that love you a chance to help you.
Todd: No one would love me if they knew.
Tea: I will. I will love you no matter what. I have in the past and I always will.
Viki: And I'll always love you and Starr will always love you.
Todd: Starr...
Tea: She would miss you so much if you weren't here.
Todd: Don't try to use Starr to make me feel guilty. She deserves better than me.
Tea: She deserves to have her father in her life.
Todd: Father... You know I'm not that different from him.
Tea: You are completely different from him.
Todd: No, I'm not. He was a rapist...I'm a rapist. He hurt people...I hurt people. He hit his wife...I hit my wife.
[Viki looks on in shock having previously been unaware and still currently unsure which wife he hit.]
Todd (seeing Viki's look of disbelief): What's the matter, Sis? Can't handle the truth. Are you still proud of your brother? Do you still love me?
Viki: Of course I do. I just didn't realize, that's all. Of course, I don't approve of that kind of behavior.
Todd (mockingly): That kind of behavior? (harshly) I punched my wife in the face. (pause) What you're not gonna ask for an excuse, a reason, that will make it all okay?
Viki: Nothing would make that okay.
Todd: Good, Tea doesn't need anymore people like Sam and Blair making her feel like it doesn't matter.
Viki: Sam knew? Does that have something to do with why you won't speak to him?
Todd: He knew I punched Tea and he didn't even care. He made her feel worse by not even acknowledging what I had done. He made her feel like she shouldn't tell anyone because if it didn't bother him why would anyone else care about it. And the both of you, you were pressuring her to stay with me. Do you have any idea what that was like for her?
Viki: I'm sorry, Tea, I didn't know. I wish you had told me. You should not have gone through that alone.
Todd (to Tea): You should tell her about it.
Tea: Todd, this isn't about me.
Todd: It never is. You don't talk about it. You don't even say the words. You expect me to tell you about the horrible images playing in my mind but you get to keep quiet. You get to pretend that I didn't hurt you. That's not fair.
Tea: If I talk about it will you talk about your nightmare?
Todd: You're blackmailing me?
Tea: I'll tell mine if you tell yours.
Todd: Fine! Don't talk about it!
Tea: Fine! I won't!
[Several awkward moments pass. Todd reaches out a shaky hand and puts it on top of Tea's hand that is resting on the bed.]
Todd (looking in her eyes): I'm sorry. It was your secret to tell. I shouldn't have told anyone.
Tea: It's okay. It probably shouldn't be a secret but in this town no one would understand.
Todd: You understand?
Tea: You know that I do. If I didn't I wouldn't be here. Besides, it wasn't all your fault. I knew you were on the edge and I tried to push you over.
Todd: Please don't blame yourself. I never want you to blame yourself. It doesn't matter what you said anymore than it matters what you said to Blair before she shoved you out that window. It wasn't okay for you to get hurt because of something that you said.
Tea: But I shouldn't have said it. You were out of control and I made it worse.
Todd: I hit you, Tea. It was me. I'm to blame not you.
Tea: And your father is to blame for what he did to you. You were just a kid, it wasn't your fault.
Todd: That's different.
Tea: Why?
Todd: He had to punish me. He had to make me pay for what I had done.
Tea; What did you do? What did you ever do that could make you deserve the torture he forced you to endure?
Todd: I made her leave.
Tea: Your mother?
Todd: It was my fault.
Tea: No it wasn't. You may feel that way but it was not your fault.
Todd: Yes, it was. I did something horrible. She couldn't love me anymore. That's why she left.
Tea: What did you do? (putting her hand on top of his) Whatever it is it's okay to talk about it.
Todd: You won't stop loving me?
Tea: No. I'll never stop loving you.
Todd: Do you promise?
Tea; I promise.
Todd: No one else ever hears this, right?
Tea: I won't say anything.
Viki: Neither will I.
Todd: Will you keep holding my hand?
Tea: Of course I will.
Todd: No, I mean, I'll probably try to pull it away but I need you to keep touching me...to be the thing that keeps me from falling into the hole inside myself.
Tea (squeezing his hand tightly): I won't let go.
Todd: If you get scared let go but otherwise don't.
Tea: Okay.
[Todd pauses to try to form the words in his head.]
Todd: The night before she left I was laying awake in bed waiting to see if my father would come into my room or not. Back then sometimes he would and sometimes he wouldn't. Later, after she was gone, it was almost every night but while she was still there sometimes he would hurt her and that would be enough for him and he would leave me alone. That night, I was laying there and I heard him yelling at her. I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying but I could hear him yelling. I opened my door and I could tell that they were in the living room. I don't know why but I started moving toward the sound of their voices. She was trying to talk to him, trying to calm him down. She said that if he kept yelling he would wake me up. He said that maybe it would be a good thing if I did wake up because then I could know what kind of person she was. He called her a bunch of names. Some of them I didn't understand at the time but I always remembered them and I learned later what they meant. Anyway, he was saying stuff to her about how she deserved it and that he knew that she really wanted it. She said, "Not like this." I remember that..."Not like this." At one point she said that he was hurting her and he said that he would show her pain. He must have done something to her because she made this noise...this really awful noise. I knew he was hurting her and I wanted him to stop. I just wanted to him to stop.
[Todd pauses again for several moments.]
Todd: I always remembered that part of it. It was what happened after I went into the room that I couldn't remember. I kind of figured some of it out but I didn't really know for sure what had happened. I just knew that I started to step into the room and then a second later it was the next day and she was gone. It was like I blinked and when I opened my eyes again it was the next day. That was the first blackout I had. I didn't know when I was a kid why I would sometimes have them. Now I understand. Tom became real that night.
Tea: What do you mean Tom became real?
Todd: Tom came into my life a few years earlier. My father had locked me in a closet and then left with my mother for a bunch of hours. It was really dark and I got scared and Tom showed up. He talked to me and told me that everything would be okay. He told me that he'd stay with me and keep me safe. (smiling) I remember he told me really bad knock-knock jokes to distract me. He was my friend...my imaginary friend. Later, I told my mother about him and she thought it was great that I had someone to help me when I got scared. She was the one who suggested we name him Tom. She always like the name Tom but my father hated it. He wouldn't let anyone call me that.
Tea: Did your father know about Tom?
Todd: He hated him. He threatened to run him over with his car.
Viki: That is horrible.
Todd: It was okay because my father couldn't see him so he could never find him to kill him. Tom...Tom would be there, you know, when my father was hurting me. He would help me to get through whatever my father was doing to me. I guess that night, when my father was raping my mother, something must have happened in my brain and he became a part of me.
Tea: The nightmare tonight was about what Tom saw when he walked into that room?
Todd: It's more than that. (looking at Tea with pleading eyes) Help me. Help me tell you.
Tea: Was your father angry at you for being there? For trying to stop him?
Todd: Yes, very angry.
Tea: Did he hurt you?
Todd: No.
Tea: Did he hurt your mother?
Todd: He stopped.
[Tea pauses, terrified by the thought that is forming in her mind.]
Tea: Did he...did he make you hurt your mother?
Todd (barely audible): Yes. [Todd looks down. When he looks back up again tears are falling down his face. Tea and Viki are also crying.]
Tea: It's okay, Todd. It wasn't your fault.
Todd: I should have refused. I should have let him kill me. He gave me a choice - either he killed me in front of her or I did the things he told me to do to her.
Tea: That was no choice. Peter Manning is to blame for what happened in that room that night not you.
Todd: But I should have died. I should have died. (falling into Tea's arms sobbing) I should have died. I deserve to die.
Tea: No, you don't. You deserved a different childhood...a different father. None of it was your fault.
[Tea holds Todd for a long time. When he finally pulls away from her he looks exhausted.]
Tea: You need some sleep.
Todd: I have no intention of ever sleeping again.
Viki: You know, Todd...
Todd: Stop. Don't you dare tell me that everything will seem better in the morning.
Viki: I was not going to say that.
Todd; Yeah, sure.
Tea: Why don't you lay down and I'll rub your back.
Todd: Forget about it. I'm not going to be able to fall asleep.
Tea: Just try, for a couple of minutes, okay?
Todd: Fine but it's not gonna work.
[Todd lays down on his stomach and Tea lays down beside him and starts rubbing his back. He quickly falls asleep and so does Tea. Viki stays awake and watches over them. Hours later Todd wakes up and can feel that Tea is resting her head on his shoulder and her hand is laying still on his back. Viki is sitting in a chair by the window resting her eyes.]
Todd: Viki, are you still here?
Viki (getting up and moving so Todd can see her): Yes, Todd, I'm still here.
Todd: Is Tea asleep?
Viki: It looks that way. Can I do anything for you?
Todd: Go home.
Viki: I do not want to leave you right now.
Todd: It's okay. Tea is here and she's not going anywhere and neither am I. Watch this.
[Todd starts to move slightly away from Tea. While still asleep she reaches her arm out quickly and grabs tightly under his stomach.]
Todd: Believe me, there's no way I'm getting out of this bed without waking her up.
Viki: Are you okay?
Todd: No. (pause) I survived last night so I guess maybe I can keep surviving. It is survivable, right?
Viki: I survived and you'll survive too.
Todd: If you say so.
Viki: I know so. If you ever need to talk, or not talk, you know you can call me. And tell Tea that the offer is good for her too.
Todd: Thanks, Sis, for everything.
Viki: I love you.
Todd: Do you have to keep saying it out loud?
Viki: Yes, I do.
Todd: You need to go away now.
Viki: I will see you later.
Todd: Whatever.
