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| ANOTHER JOURNEY BY TIMA |
CHAPTERS 141 - 145 |
PREVIOUSLY...
Tea (smiling): I don't want normal. I want you.
Todd: You're just saying that.
Tea: Because it's true. I really do appreciate that you gave this idea a try. You don't have to put yourself through misery for me, though. It's not what I want.
Todd: What do you want?
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chapter 141:
Tea: What I want is to have a comfortable, quiet evening with you.
Todd: Then why have you been causing so much trouble all night?
Tea: Me?
Todd: Yeah, you. You're the reason we ended up in that lake, remember?
Tea: I thought it was because we were kissing and enjoying each other and we both lost control.
Todd: My control was fine.
Tea: Your control amazes me sometimes.
Todd: Well, think about the alternative.
Tea: I have, although, probably not in the same way you have.
Todd: You always did like to pretend the past never happened.
Tea: Sometimes I wish it hadn't...parts of it, anyway.
Todd: Why won't you talk about what happened downstairs? I already know what it was about.
Tea: Isn't that enough?
Todd: Not if it's still making you feel lousy.
Tea: I'm fine.
Todd: You don't look fine.
Tea: I'm relaxing in a luxurious bath, in a luxurious resort, with the man I love...
Todd: You're not going to try calling me luxurious, are you?
Tea: You're wealthy. You're everything that I dreamed of when I was younger.
Todd: Then you must have had warped dreams.
Tea: I dreamed of wealth, status, power. I wanted to have fancy cars, penthouses, mansions. I wanted to go on shopping sprees at all of the most expensive stores, without having to be concerned about what anything cost. I wanted to eat at the best restaurants and belong to the best clubs. I wanted to be a part of that world that I had been peering in at all of my life but never belonging in.
Todd: Now you do.
Tea: But, I don't.
Todd: Why not?
Tea: I just don't. I don't want to talk about this anymore, okay?
Todd: If I get back into this thing with you, will you keep talking about this?
Tea: Couldn't we do something more enjoyable? I could give you a shoulder massage.
Todd: You tried that once, remember?
Tea: I remember.
Todd: Then why the hell are you here? You know me. You shouldn't be anywhere near me.
Tea: I've forgiven you.
Todd: No, you haven't.
Tea: I forgave you a long time ago.
Todd: That's a lie.
Tea: If I hadn't, I wouldn't be here.
Todd: You shouldn't be here.
Tea: I want to be here. I forgive you for the past. Do you forgive me?
Todd: For what? I never got anything I didn't deserve. Except, I didn't deserve you. I never deserved you.
Tea: You deserve love.
Todd: No.
Tea: You do, Todd. I want you to have love. And, I want yours. Everything that I thought I wanted in the past...all of the material things...they don't matter now. I know that. I learned that because of you. You gave me millions of dollars. Because of you, I lived in a penthouse. I had a fancy car, jewelry and charge cards without limits. You gave me everything I wanted and you showed me what it was that I really needed. You think that this is all a trick...
Todd: It is a trick.
Tea: You think that I'll dangle love in front of you, pull you into it, make you believe it, want it and need it, and then I'll pull it away from you.
Todd: That's exactly what you'll do. No one ever means it when they say they love you. No one.
Tea: I mean it.
[Tea gets out of the tub and approaches Todd. He backs away slightly. He stares at her face...at her eyes. He hates it when she talks to him with her eyes. He hates it even more that he can't stop himself from listening, from believing what he sees in her eyes.
Tea stands directly in front of him and touches his face gently.]
Tea: I love you, Todd.
Todd: Because, I buy you stuff.
Tea: Because you give me things, yes. You make me think that it's possible that someone could love me. You make me feel cherished. You make me feel like I'm no longer alone...like I'll never have to be alone again. You give me laughter. You surprise me. You amaze me. You give me everything that I need because all that I need is you. All that I want is you.
Todd: You're starting to sound like one of those songs that chicks get all weepy over. You know I hate this kind of stuff.
Tea: It's necessary.
Todd: Not for me.
Tea: It is for me.
Todd: Well, it's not for me. I hate all this talking.
Tea: Then let's stop talking.
Todd: You had something else in mind?
[Tea's hands feel for the bottom of the T-shirt he's wearing as her eyes stay locked to his. His shirt is soon moving up his body and over his head.
Without allowing Tea to follow through with whatever she may be thinking of doing, Todd moves the few steps it takes for him to be in front of the oversized tub again. He steps in and seats himself. Tea enjoys the expression on his face as his pants fill with water.]
Tea: You could have changed back into your swim trunks first.
Todd: This works fine for me. Are you joining me or are you just going to keep staring at me?
Tea: I want to stare at you every second of every day for the rest of my life.
Todd: You always were easy to entertain.
Tea: You do know how to entertain me. You know how to make me laugh and feel good even when that's the last thing that I want.
Todd: So, we're back to talking about what happened downstairs?
Tea: Fine, Todd. I'll talk about it. I have one condition, though.
Todd: Forget it. This sharing thing goes one way and one way only. I'm not spilling my guts while sitting in a stupid hot tub.
Tea: That's not the condition.
Todd: Good.
Tea: I hope that you will talk to me about your past...about your childhood.
Todd: We've done that already.
Tea: Not enough.
Todd: It was enough for me.
Tea: I want to know more. I want to know what makes you who you are.
Todd: It's safer if you don't dig too deep inside me.
Tea: I'm not afraid.
Todd: Prove it. Talk to me.
Tea: Okay. I'll talk to you. I'll try to answer any questions that you have. I need you to do something for me.
Todd: Not look at you?
Tea: Why would I want that?
Todd: It's easier spilling your guts when the other person isn't staring at you, watching you go through hell.
Tea: It's okay if you look at me. I don't mind.
Todd: Then what do you want?
Tea: I want...
[Tea looks away for a moment. She lets out an audible sigh as she contemplates journeying into a painful area inside herself, just because Todd wants her to, because he wants to know that part of her.]
Todd: Tell me, Tea. I'll agree to whatever you want.
Tea: Will you?
Todd: If I can.
Tea: That's probably the best offer I've ever had.
Todd (laughing): Yeah, right!
[Tea steps toward the tub. She sits on the edge and looks into this eyes with so much emotion he wants to look away, but he forces himself not to.]
Tea: It is. I know that you're not asking me to share this with you because you think there will be any enjoyment in it for you. I know that you're doing it because you believe that I need this. Maybe you're right. I don't know what will happen once we start this. Maybe that place inside me with all the pain will slam shut on you. Maybe it will flood out and drown us.
Todd: Don't say drown. We almost died earlier and now I'm in water again, because of you.
Tea: That water was shallow.
Todd: Yeah, but you went under.
Tea: I wasn't scared. I knew that you would do everything you could to keep me safe. I've tried to give you that feeling, too. I know I always failed every time I tried, but I did try.
Todd: Delgado...
Tea: Let's just get through this topic before we move on to any others.
[Tea places her hands behind her back and unfastens her bra. Within seconds, she has the straps off her arms. She stands up and places her wet bra in the sink.
Todd's eyes follow her. She turns and sees his gaze. She smiles slightly. He's staring at her eyes and not her breasts. There have certainly been times when she wanted him to look at her chest but it makes her love him even more that he isn't reacting the way she would expect the typical man to react. His lust isn't the most powerful emotion for him in this moment...his love for her is. Although, in her mind, she still can't quite bring herself to fully believe that it truly is love that she sees in his eyes, but in this moment she can feel herself moving closer to that belief.
Tea quickly returns to the tub and gets in. Todd immediately understands why she just took her bra off and why she removed his shirt minutes earlier. Tea settles her body against his, her chest pressing against his side as her hand slides across his stomach.
Todd places his arms around her and holds, knowing that's what she wanted. Her condition was that he hold her while she delves into the pain from her past. Pain that she's spent much of her life trying to avoid. Pain that seeped out at all times despite her concentrated effort to not allow it.
Now she's willing to try to take him inside herself, but she doesn't want to do it alone. She wants to be physically close to him during this journey.
Todd knows from his own experience that it may not go very far. He knows that when the pain becomes too much she'll shut down. He understands that need. He also understands that she also needs to try to share it with him.
He doesn't often admit it but there are times that he needs to share his pain, too. He's found that need has seemed to increase since Tea entered his life. Something about her makes him actually want to try to share at least a little bit of his past with her, testing her, checking to see if he can trust her with more, with the worst parts.
He knows that whatever happens tonight, Tea will be testing him to see how much she can trust him with. He's determined that he will earn her trust. She deserves someone she can share her pain with. That someone will be him.]
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chapter 142:
[Several minutes pass as Tea and Todd quietly share the oversized tub together. Neither has spoken since Tea entered the tub, pressing her body against his. Todd's arms are around her. Tea's hand is lightly caressing his stomach.]
Tea: Todd?
Todd: Are you ready now?
Tea: Actually, I was wondering why you haven't said anything.
Todd: You thought I fell asleep?
Tea: No. I can't imagine that you would be able to relax enough to fall asleep with my body pressed against yours like this.
Todd: We've slept together before.
Tea: Not in water. And, not with both of our shirts off.
Todd: Is this the way you want to sleep tonight?
Tea: Not the water part.
Todd: But, the rest?
Tea: If it would make you too uncomfortable...
Todd: Since when has that mattered?
Tea: That has always mattered.
Todd: Yeah, well...
Tea: Do you think you could sleep like that?
Todd: Is that what you want?
Tea: Yes.
Todd: Why?
Tea: Because I want to be close to you.
Todd: Why would you want that?
Tea: You know why.
Todd: Actually, I don't. I never have.
Tea: If I spend the rest of my life telling you why, and showing you why, would you believe it then?
Todd: Is that what your plan is?
Tea: It's my desire.
Todd: To spend the rest of your life telling me something that I'll never believe?
Tea: Telling you that I love you...trying to show you.
Todd: Did your mom love you?
Tea: Where did that come from?
Todd: All this time that you've been quiet, I've had time to think.
Tea: And, you came to the conclusion that my mother didn't love me?
Todd: No. I have no idea what she felt. If I met her, though, I think I'd hate her guts.
Tea: Well, you don't have to worry about that possibility.
Todd: You know, people can ditch their kids and still care about them...still love them.
Tea: I know you still love Starr. I know that you would never stop loving her.
Todd: We're talking about you, remember? We're talking about how twisted your family is...was...whatever. We're not talking about mine.
Tea: Well, Starr is a part of my family. Maybe no one else sees that. In my heart Starr is definitely a part of my family.
Todd: I know. I always liked that. I wouldn't want to be around someone who didn't think my kid was the greatest person to ever exist. Anyone who doesn't think that is an idiot. And, I don't like being around idiots.
Tea: I love Starr.
Todd: I know you do.
Tea: And, you love Starr.
Todd: Let's get back to how your mom warped you.
Tea: Is that what you think? Before you answer that, don't think that I'll let you off the hook about Starr. I know how much it must have hurt you to be away from her as long as you were. I don't understand why you left her, why you stayed away so long, and why you're still not with her, or at least calling her everyday. I know you must have a reason but I can't fathom what it could be that would keep you away from the one person that you truly believe loves you.
Todd: Okay, now can we get back to your mom?
Tea: I won't give up until you explain it to me.
Todd: I know you. You won't give up even then.
Tea: Not until you're back with her. I know that's what you want. I know that's what she wants. It's what you both need.
Todd: So, your mom is to blame for all of your problems.
Tea: She left a long time ago. She's not responsible for the mess I've made of my life since then.
Todd: Oh, but she is. See, my father is to blame for all the lousy stuff that has ever happened to me. He's responsible for everything bad that happens to anyone anywhere in the world.
Tea: You've decided that?
Todd: It works for me.
Tea: Does it?
Todd: Can we get back to you?
Tea: Fine. How is my mother responsible?
Todd: She left you. I think that's why you're so messed up about how you see yourself. She didn't stick around which made you feel like you weren't worth sticking around for. She made you feel like you were insignificant. That's why you think everyone is racist against you.
Tea: That's not what I think.
Todd: But, you think people are looking at you differently because of who you are, right?
Tea: I suppose.
Todd: If it's not racist, what is it?
Tea: I'm also a woman.
Todd: I already figured that part out.
Tea: That I've endured sexism?
Todd: No, that you're a chick. So, you think people treat you differently because of it?
Tea: Sometimes.
Todd: When you're doing that lawyer thing, do you feel that?
Tea: Sometimes.
Todd: Well, then maybe you shouldn't wear those short skirts to court.
Tea: My attire should have nothing to do with how I'm treated as an attorney.
Todd: Oh, please! If you thought appearance didn't matter, you'd wear sweat pants and put your hair back like you do when you're working out...or like you did before you chopped most of your hair off, anyway.
Tea: You're saying that you think I dress trampy in the courtroom to better my odds of winning?
Todd: Why else?
Tea: What about when I appear before female judges?
Todd: Then you're doing it for the male jurors.
Tea: And, when there is no jury?
Todd: The bailiffs.
Tea: I'm trying to turn the bailiffs on, hoping that will accomplish what?
Todd: I have no idea. You're the one who does it.
Tea: Well, I have never dressed trampy on purpose just to win a case.
Todd: Sure you have. You're a lawyer, you'll do anything to win a case.
Tea: Maybe we should go back to not speaking.
Todd: Because you don't like facing the truth?
Tea: Your truth is rarely true at all.
Todd: So, now you're going to insult me to avoid admitting I'm right?
Tea: You are not right. I do not tramp it up to win a case.
Todd: You'll go out a window to win a case. Are you trying to say that you wouldn't put on heels and hike up your skirt to win?
Tea: I didn't choose to go out that window, so that's completely irrelevant.
Todd: No, it isn't.
Tea: You are talking about conscious choices that I make in my attire for court appearances. That is entirely different from my being defenestrated while I wasn't even in court. And, I wasn't planning to be defenestrated at all.
Todd: Oh, come on. You were thrilled when you finally found a reason to use that word.
Tea: I would gladly give up that word to go back and not go through that window again. You may not believe this, but it was quite painful and I didn't exactly get over it in a couple of days.
Todd: I didn't say that you did. Why are we talking about this?
Tea: You brought it up.
Todd: Well, let's drop it. I don't like thinking about that moment. It was a lousy moment for me.
Tea: My moment was lousier than yours was.
Todd: I don't think so.
Tea: Really? You think it was rougher on you?
Todd: You were unconscious. I had to deal with all those people staring at me with their fingers pointing out in my direction and my lawyer was no help at all.
Tea: I'm so sorry that my lack of consciousness caused you such trauma, Todd.
Todd: I forgive you.
Tea: You better be joking.
Todd: Or, what?
Tea: Or, I'm getting out of this tub.
Todd: Okay, fine. I'm joking. You had it worse than I did...slightly.
Tea (sarcastically): Well, thank you for being so gracious.
Todd: You're welcome.
Tea: Are we done talking now?
Todd: You're sounding like me.
Tea: Is that a compliment?
Todd: Being compared to me has never been considered a compliment.
Tea: I wouldn't mind being like you in some ways.
Todd: Which ones?
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chapter 143:
Tea: You actually want me to list off your good qualities?
Todd: Go for it. It shouldn't take you more than half a second.
Tea: It could take a lifetime, if we're lucky.
Todd: Would that be lucky?
Tea: I think so.
Todd: For me? Or, for you?
Tea: Me, for certain.
Todd: And, what about me?
Tea: What about you?
Todd: Would it be lucky for me?
Tea: Are you asking if you'll be getting lucky?
Todd: No. (pause) Will I?
Tea: If you're lucky.
Todd (sarcastically): Very funny.
Tea: Seriously, do you want that?
Todd: Want what?
Tea: You know what.
Todd: I think I need you to spell it out for me.
Tea: Oh, I could do that. I could vividly do that.
Todd: Okay, never mind.
Tea: Tell me the truth. Do you want that?
Todd: What guy wouldn't?
Tea: Do you want that with me?
Todd: What guy wouldn't?
Tea: What about this guy that I currently have my body pressed against.
Todd: Your wet, practically naked body.
Tea: Are you thinking about my body right now?
Todd: I was trying not to. Let's get back to talking about your mother ditching you, ripping your heart out and stomping on it on the way out the door of your life.
Tea: I'm enjoying discussing our sex life more than that other discussion.
Todd: That other discussion is important.
Tea: Why?
Todd: Because, it screwed up the way you look at yourself.
Tea: Those are two separate things.
Todd: What are?
Tea: My mother leaving and what happened downstairs earlier.
Todd: But there's a connection, right?
Tea: I don't know.
Todd: If your own mom can't stick around and give a damn about you, what chance do you have for anyone else to care about, or respect, you any more than they do a speck of dirt.
Tea: Maybe that factors in.
Todd: Maybe? It definitely does.
Tea: That applies to you also, doesn't it?
Todd: We're digging inside of you tonight. My insides are to be left alone.
Tea: So, tomorrow night will be your turn?
Todd: Tomorrow night, I think I planned to do stuff to your body all night that would prevent any speaking.
Tea: Oh, really?
Todd: I meant that in a good way. I didn't mean that I'd do anything to you...anything bad...painful... You know what I mean.
Tea: I know. I knew exactly what you meant. I didn't need any clarification.
Todd: I think you did. I've done stuff in the past. I have to make sure that you know I don't want to do anything that hurts you.
Tea: I know that. Let's go back to talking about my mother.
Todd: Do you really want to talk about that? Or, are you just trying to change the subject from what a lousy human being I am?
Tea: Do you think your mother leaving had any affect on that?
Todd: Shouldn't you finish answering my questions first before you start in with your own?
Tea: Okay. Yes, my mother leaving affected me. Of course it did.
Todd: Only in a negative way? Or, was there some positive?
Tea: Was there for you?
Todd: Fine. If you don't want to talk, we won't talk.
Tea: I just thought that perhaps you asked that because you found something positive in your mother leaving you.
Todd: Yeah, it was positive...for her. It sucked for me.
Tea: Do you know why she left?
Todd: Sure. I have tons of reasons. I've had a lot of years to come up with a lot of reasons for why she took off and left me behind.
Tea: That hurt you a lot.
Todd: That's an understatement.
Tea: Which hurt worse?
Todd: What do you mean?
Tea: Did her leaving you hurt the most or was it that she left you with your father?
Todd: It's the same thing.
Tea: Not quite.
Todd: Well, the result's the same.
Tea: But, it's two separate things, isn't it?
Todd: Aren't you about ready for a nap?
Tea: We don't have to talk about this anymore. I just really hope that you know that you can always talk to me about this or anything. Even if things don't work out between us, if you needed to talk...
Todd: Don't you think your boyfriend would have a problem with that?
Tea: No.
Todd: Do you really think that any guy would be okay with his chick hanging out with her ex-husband, even if she claims they're only getting together to talk? No self-respecting guy would believe a line like that.
Tea: Don't you mean paranoid?
Todd: Paranoid...self-respecting...whatever. You're not going to find any guy who's going to be decent and understanding about you wanting to spend quality alone time with me...chatting. You're too hot.
Tea: I am?
Todd: What?
Tea: What you just said.
Todd: What did I just say?
Tea: Something about my being hot, I think.
Todd: If you're hot, we can get out of this stupid tub. Or, we could turn the heat thing off, right? I'd do it but your breasts are blocking the controls.
Tea: My breasts are comfortably pressed against the side of your body.
Todd: Yeah, but you're body is blocking the controls.
Tea: There's more to my body than my breasts.
Todd: There is?
Tea: Do you like my breasts?
Todd: I don't know. You've never made chicken breasts for me. How am I supposed to know if I like something that you've never cooked for me?
Tea: This is ridiculous.
Todd: You agree. It is ridiculous to ask someone if they like the way you cook something when you haven't actually cooked that something for that someone before.
Tea: I give up.
Todd: So, I win?
Tea: Do you want your prize now or when we get into bed together?
Todd: I think right now you should answer my questions that you keep trying to change the subject to avoid.
Tea: Me? What about you?
Todd: I'm the sensitive guy over here letting you be naked on me while we poke at the opened wounds that your mom gouged into you when you were a kid.
Tea: You have such a way with words.
Todd: Thank you. Now answer my questions.
Tea: Which one?
Todd: I don't know. I can't remember any of them anymore.
Tea: Well, I recall one that I would like to answer. What I was trying to say before you sidetracked the conversation...
Todd: When have I ever done that?
Tea: As I was saying, I don't expect to have a boyfriend if our relationship doesn't work out.
Todd: You're just going to use them for sex and then toss them aside? None of that pretending to make a commitment stuff for you anymore?
Tea: I think I may stay away from relationships all together for a while.
Todd: Really? You're not going to rush into something with a corrupt cop or a criminal club owner?
Tea: I didn't rush.
Todd: No, you waited...a few days.
Tea: It was more than a few days.
Todd: A week?
Tea: It was months.
Todd: That's not true.
Tea: I was approached sooner than that but I didn't...
Todd: Rip off your clothes, spread your legs and start screaming in ecstasy while some jerk who didn't happen to be your husband screwed you hard into the mattress?
[Tea awkwardly tries to exit the bathtub. Todd holds onto her body, trying to keep her with him as he instantly regrets not being able to control his anger and jealousy.]
Todd: Don't. I didn't...
Tea: What? You didn't mean it? Maybe you meant it, but you didn't intend to say it? Let go of me. I'll take my shorts off. You'll take yours off and you can show me what you think of me. You can treat me like the whore you've always thought I was.
Todd: I never...
Tea: Let go of me.
[Todd releases his hold on her body. She quickly exits the tub and grabs one of the robes provided by the hotel. Todd immediately gets out of the tub and follows her as she moves into the bedroom.
Tea knows that he's followed her and walks to the balcony doors and quickly opens them. She steps out onto the balcony, hoping that Todd will get the message that she needs to be alone.
He follows her.]
to be continued...
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chapter 144:
[For several minutes, they stand near each other, not speaking. Tea tries to ignore his presence, even though she knows that he's standing behind her, watching her.
When Tea speaks, she continues to face away from him, not wanting to make eye contact. She doesn't want to see the same look in his eyes that she's seen too many times from too many men in her past.]
Tea: I don't know why I thought that maybe you could see something different when you look at me. You see what every other man sees. It was foolish of me to think anything else.
[For several more minutes they're silent. Todd wants to apologize, he wants to hold her, he wants to tell her how he really sees her, how he really feels about her. He continues to stand in the doorway of the balcony, not speaking while he watches her.]
Tea: My mother is partly responsible for how I see myself. When I was a little girl, before she left, she was the one I went to when I had questions, when I didn't understand. She was the one who explained everything to me. Little things, silly things. You know, all those questions that young children pester adults with. But, there were also some very serious ones. When I noticed that the people in the building treated my father differently, it was my mother that I talked to, that I looked for an explanation from. They treated him like he was less. In their view he belonged in that basement. The Delgado family weren't truly residents of that building in their minds so they shouldn't be seen, except when necessary. They never cared about my father. They cared if they had a problem in their apartment. They cared if they were expecting company in an hour and needed something fixed immediately. They didn't care if he had company. They didn't care if he was eating dinner. They didn't care if it was the middle of the night. It didn't matter if he was sick. It didn't matter if his children had events that they wanted him to attend. Every time they called, he was to be there for them immediately. In their view he wasn't a person, not in the same way that they were. His life didn't matter. He didn't matter. My father agreed with them, in a way. That building was so important to him. It was more important than recitals, graduations, family vacations. Especially after my mother left, I think that maybe it was the one place that he felt he had left where things made sense to him, the one place that was consistent. He worked in that building, he lived in that building, he devoted his life to that building, for more than twenty years but when he died, not one person from that building attended his funeral. They probably just hoped that a replacement would be found instantly so that his death wouldn't disrupt their lives. My mother... I don't know... I don't know why she left. All those questions that I had asked her up to that point in my life, all of the things that she had helped me to understand... Her leaving was the biggest question I would ever have. And, it's the one question that I know I will never have an answer for. I'll never know why. Maybe I do...some of it. It's just never enough, you know? I know that she wanted to go back to Puerto Rico. It had been her idea to leave there when my parents had married. He was older, he had a career, he had children from his previous marriage. My mother was young and she had all of these dreams of something bigger...better...than the small town she grew up in. I think she felt trapped where she was. She had probably felt that way her whole life. She thought that if they left she wouldn't feel trapped anymore. They moved to New York, Papi took that job in that building. It was several steps down from his previous work but he never complained and he would never go back. She wanted to. I think that maybe she realized that it had never been the place she had come from that had trapped her. It was something inside herself. She missed her family. She missed her town. She would tell me stories about how beautiful it was. She wanted to go back there so much. Papi wouldn't do it, though. He had given up everything once for her, he wouldn't do it again. Maybe that trapped feeling just grew too overwhelming for her. Maybe she felt like she needed to get out or she wouldn't survive. I don't know. I just know what it was like for me, for my brothers, for my father. I know how dark it got.
[Tea is silent again for several minutes. Todd, still wet and dripping, from their time in the bathtub, is beginning to shiver from the cold air on his wet skin. He doesn't go into their suite, though. She's so deep inside herself that he could quickly grab a robe and return to her, perhaps without her even knowing that he had stepped away.
He doesn't move. He doesn't want to leave her, not even for a second.
Tea stares into the darkness, at the grounds of the resort before her, reminded again that she's in a world that she doesn't belong in. In this moment she is taken back to so many times in her life when she felt certain that a place where she belonged would never exist for her. She's especially aware of how she felt during the horrible days, weeks, months, even years, after her mother left.]
Tea: You shouldn't pick favorites from among your siblings, right? That's what my mother always told me, anyway. But, I did. Del was my favorite. He would spend time with me, talk to me, hug me, tell me that he loved me. There were so few people left that I could count on that from after mami left. But, Del wasn't there very much. He was so much older. He moved on and into his adult life around the same time that she left. He moved onto a life that I wasn't a part of. I understand. It wasn't his responsibility to give up his life, his dreams for himself, to stay behind to nurture me. My mother didn't want that job anymore and my father was never very good at that. So, I relied more on Del. After he left, though, I didn't see him very often. He pops in and out of my life without warning. I never know when I'll see him or how long he'll stick around. I haven't seen, or heard from, Enrique in years. And, Jose...
[Tea pauses. Her emotions are feeling more and more raw every second. She hates feeling this way. Most of the time she avoids thinking about how small her list of people who care about her is, or how unreliable affection has been from most of those people, except her grandmother.
As Tea is lost inside herself, inside her internal pain, she doesn't realize as Todd steps closer to her on the balcony.]
Tea: I have my grandmother. I have Carlotta, too, of course. She probably won't want to speak to me again, though. She doesn't approve of how I feel about you. She doesn't understand. My grandmother was the only person who I could talk to after you left me. I mean, really talk to. Everyone else made it clear that they didn't want to hear anything other than that I was over you and I would never look back. My grandmother would let me talk. For hours, sometimes. She'd let me say whatever I felt without judging me or my feelings, without telling me that I was wrong to love you. She's certainly not a fan of yours but she does understand, better than even I understand sometimes. She was the one person who allowed me to think that maybe, just maybe, you had loved me, just a little...maybe...
[Todd's hand reaches out and almost touches the back of Tea's hair, but he stops himself before he makes contact.]
Tea: Everyone else was so intent on making certain that I knew that you had never loved me, never felt a thing for me. Only my grandmother understood that I needed to believe that someone could love me. Even if I was wrong, I needed to believe that somewhere inside of you there had been some love for me.
[Tea pauses for a moment.]
Tea: Love, it...
[Tea stops speaking. Todd finishes her thought for her.]
Todd: It hurts like hell.
[Tea turns around startled. She didn't expect Todd to speak. She especially didn't expect him to be standing so close to her. She's also surprised that he's still only wearing his swim trunks.
They stare at each other for several moments. As Todd's hand slowly reaches out toward her face, Tea's emotions become even more overwhelming for her. She wants to feel his touch. She wants him to comfort her. She wants him to love her. More than anything, she wants to be in his arms right now, feeling momentarily safe. But, she's convinced that's all it would be...a moment.
She refuses to allow herself that temporary comfort. Not right now. Not when she feels this vulnerable. Not when she knows it isn't real, it won't last, she'll be left alone again soon. Not when she knows that as much as her heart is breaking right now, it will break even more if she allows herself to continue to pretend that he loves her.
As Todd's hand touches her face, she quickly pulls away and rushes back into their suite. Todd continues to stand on the balcony for several more moments, not feeling prepared to deal with this. This is too emotional for him. He should be leaving right now, avoiding her feelings while he also avoids his own.
Todd slowly walks back into the suite. He's relieved that Tea isn't in the bedroom. He grabs some dry clothes out of one of the dresser drawers and begins to leave the bedroom.
She forces him to turn back, though. He approaches the bathroom, drawn to it by her...by the sound of her crying behind the closed door. His hand lightly touches the door, comforting the woman he loves the only way he feel truly comfortable...from a distance, without her knowing about it.]
to be continued...
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chapter 145:
[In the bathroom, Tea splashes water on her face. After drying her face with a plush towel, she studies her reflection in one of the many mirrored panels in the luxuriously spacious room. She knows that she looks like a mess. She wonders for a moment what Todd will think when he sees her face. Quickly, she prepares herself for the more likely reality that Todd won't see her tear-stained face at all.
She knows that he probably took off long ago, to go for a drive or possibly a walk. Maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't. She is unaware of exactly how long she has been in this room while she cried. It's possible that he could be many miles away by now.
Tea takes several deep breaths. She needs to prepare herself for two distinct possibilities...Todd won't be outside the door when she opens it or Todd will be outside the door when she opens it. Either possibility could be painfully impossible to deal with right now.
As Tea finally feels ready to face whichever reality is behind the door she reaches for the knob and slowly turns it.
Tea's head exits the bathroom first as she sticks her head out of the room and surveys the bedroom. It's empty.
Tea isn't quite certain if she should be relieved or devastated. A sound in the outer room of the suite makes the answer clear for her. A smile forms on her lips as relief washes over her as she listens to Todd belching.
For a moment, everything leading up to this moment feels like it fades away but her mind quickly reminds her of the pain of their current situation.
Feeling unprepared to deal with anything right now, Tea prepares for bed.
In the other room, Todd finishes off his second beer. He has several more currently available to him and he's considering consuming all of them before he allows himself to chance sleep again.
He hears Tea moving around in the bedroom. He listens carefully and doesn't hear any signs of her crying anymore. He's relieved. He hates it when she cries. He hates her mother for ditching her. He hates her father for not giving her the affection she needed when she was younger. He hates her brothers for never being around for her. He hates everyone in Llanview who was so judgmental about him that they wouldn't allow Tea any sympathy for the pain she felt when their relationship fell apart. He hates everyone right now. Most of all he hates himself. He's decided, though, to blame everyone else since that's easier for him than facing the reality that most of her tears were because of him...and will continue to be for as long as she is with him.
If he had talked to her earlier, if he had opened his heart to her, he knows that he could have stopped her tears, or at least changed them to tears of joy instead of tears of excruciating agony. He never understood why she cried when she was happy. Even more baffling to him is the thought that she actually has felt joy in his presence...because of his presence.
Todd quickly opens another beer. He's thinking thoughts that have to stop.
He's tempted to go into the bedroom and give her what she needs right now but he won't allow himself to do it. He doesn't understand what she sees in him or why she finds comfort in him. He doesn't feel capable of fulfilling all her needs, wants, desires.
They both fall asleep separately, sharing the same suite, but for the first time in days, not sharing the same bed.
Sleep comes easier for Tea. She's so emotionally exhausted that her body easily allows her to sleep, especially knowing that Todd is near. She'd prefer to be snuggled next to him but, given the current tension, she'll accept sharing the same suite. It comforts her to know that Todd stayed when she would have completely understood if he had walked out earlier. She knows that he probably will leave soon. She's just relieved that it isn't tonight.
In the other room, Todd looks at the empty beer bottles on the floor next to the love seat he's lying on. He curses at them for not doing their job and putting him to sleep. He also curses the love seat he's trying to sleep on. It's not long enough and it's not even remotely comfortable.
He considers Tea in the other room. He could go in and watch her sleep. That might help make the night more bearable. It has in the past. He doesn't hear her snoring yet, though, so he doesn't want to chance that she may still be awake. Something horrible might happen if she catches him trying to watch her sleep tonight...she might want to talk. He cringes just thinking about the possibility.
Finally, he gets into the most comfortable position the love seat allows and closes his eyes. He pictures Tea in his mind as he recalls so many times during this trip and during their first marriage that he watched her sleep. The images, and the feelings they create in him, allow him to finally fall asleep.
Hours later...
Todd is jerking in his sleep, playing out a battle in his mind. He suddenly sits up, his eyes instantly opening. He looks around the room he's in, completely disoriented to where he is and still feeling tremendous panic from the horrors of his nightmare.
When he realizes where he is, he momentarily feels relieved until he thinks about Tea. He quickly jumps up and races to the bedroom, not certain if he'll find her there. He's relieved when he sees her body resting under the covers on the bed.
He moves around to her side of the bed so that he can see her face as she sleeps on her side. He turns a light on next to the bed to see her better. He doesn't care if he wakes her. He wants to wake her. He needs to wake her.
He kneels down next to the bed and reaches his hand out. As he gently touches the side of her face, she begins to moan. The touch of his hand melds perfectly with fantasy she's currently enjoying.]
Todd (whispering): Tea?
[Tea just continues to moan as the Todd in her fantasy caresses her while softly speaking her name.]
Todd: Tea?
Tea (talking in her sleep): Don't stop, Todd. I love you. I don't want you to stop.
[Todd stares at her, not knowing what to do for a moment. As he listens to her continuing to moan, knowing it's for him, even in her dreams, he smirks. He'll think it's a trick later. Right now, he knows that he can use this to his advantage and get what he wants...to spend the night next to her.]
Todd: Tea, can you hear me talking to you?
Tea: Yes. Your voice is so sexy.
Todd: You're dreaming.
Tea: If this is a dream, I never want to wake up.
Todd: It is a dream, Delgado. I need you to wake up.
Tea (beginning to become distressed): No. I don't want it to stop, Todd. Don't let it stop.
[The smirk leaves his face, as Todd feels her sadness return. He regrets trying to wake her even though he needed to for himself. He knows, though, that she needed whatever she was feeling in her dream, whatever it is that she wants from him that he knows he'll never be able to match in reality.]
Tea (waking up): Todd?
Todd: Yeah. I'm here.
Tea: Where are we?
Todd: Hell...Idaho...take your pick.
Tea: What's wrong?
Todd: Nothing.
[Tea opens her eyes and sees his face so near to hers. She smiles for a moment but it quickly fades as she recalls the earlier events of the evening.]
Tea: Are you leaving now?
to be continued...
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