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| ANOTHER JOURNEY BY TIMA |
CHAPTERS 96 - 100 |
PREVIOUSLY...
Tea: Well, it's my turn now, right? Maybe you can show me how I should have done it. Next time maybe...
Todd (interrupting): You want to do this or not?
Tea: I definitely want to do this. I've waited a long time for you to play with me, Todd.
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chapter 96:
Todd: Tea, do you want to continue doing stuff?
Tea: Yes, of course I do. You know that. How could you ask me that? Do you really have doubts about that? Todd...
Todd (interrupting): Tea?
Tea: Yes?
Todd: Shut up!
[Tea smiles as she repositions herself so she's lying lengthwise on the bed. She's startled when Todd's body suddenly hovers over hers. As Todd turns on the lamp next to her side of the bed, Tea is tempted to grab his body and pull it down to hers. She does restrain herself...somewhat.
As Todd is about to return to his side of the bed, he's surprised by the feeling of Tea's hands on his shirtless chest. He stays hovered over her for several moments, allowing her to caress him.]
Tea: I want you, Todd.
[Todd moves his body back to his side of the bed. His hand goes to her face and tilts her head towards him as he lays his head down on his pillow.]
Todd: You know we're not doing that.
Tea: I want whatever you will be doing to me. I want you.
[Todd moves his face closer to hers, sharing her pillow, as they stare at each other.]
Todd: You want me?
Tea: Yes.
Todd: Where do you want me?
Tea: What do you mean?
Todd: Do you want me here?
[Todd's hand lifts from her face as one finger touches her cheek near her ear.]
Tea: Yes.
[Todd leans over her again and kisses where his finger had just been.
When he pulls his lips away from her skin, he keeps his body positioned against hers.]
Todd: Do you want me here?
[Todd's finger touches her neck.]
Tea: Yes.
[Todd kisses her neck.]
Todd: Do you want me here?
[Todd's finger moves down her chest slowly until it's positioned between her breasts.]
Tea: Yes.
[Todd hesitates for a moment, knowing that he's risking too much, but also knowing that he doesn't have a choice. He wants to be close to her, to kiss her, to touch her. He wants it far too much to let this chance go.
Todd looks into her eyes with such intensity that Tea's body shivers slightly. Her hand touches the side of his face, needing as much contact with him as possible.]
Tea: I want you to touch me everywhere, Todd...everywhere that you've ever thought about touching me but never did. Now you can. You can touch me. You can feel me. You can have me. I'm completely yours. I want you, Todd. I want every part of you and I want you to have every part of me. I trust you. I want you.
Todd: Delgado...
Tea: Yes?
Todd: Shut up.
[His voice is so soft and affectionate, it amazes her, as it always does when he says something that would sound rude from anyone else, but not from him.
As Todd brings his mouth to hers and kisses her gently, it's emphasized even more to her that his words were meant as a loving gesture because that is definitely how he's kissing her.
Todd's hand moves into her hair as they continue to kiss for several minutes, each oblivious to the lateness of the night or anything else for that matter, except the two of them on this bed...kissing...their bodies touching. Everything else is irrelevant at the moment.
When Todd finally pulls away from their kiss, he looks in Tea's eyes again.]
Todd: You're sure about this?
Tea: Didn't my kiss answer that question? If not, kiss me again and I promise to try harder.
Todd: If you try any harder, one of us will sprain a tongue.
[Tea laughs. Her expression soon turns serious as she watches his eyes.]
Tea: I really do want this, Todd. If you need me to be specific, I want you to kiss me...on my lips, my face, my ears, my neck, my breasts, my stomach. I want you to caress me, to touch me, in all those same places. I want you to lie on top of me or let me lie on top of you. I want to feel your entire body against mine. There's more that I want but we can continue to take this slowly. Maybe someday...
[Tea stops speaking, allowing her further thoughts to remain unspoken. She knows that he knows what those thoughts are.
Todd brings their lips together again, partly because he genuinely wants to kiss her again and partly to keep his mind from digging too deeply into what Tea is talking about. He knows that if they have any hope of continuing what they're doing on this night, the conversation will have to end. He knows that he needs to focus on the physical sensations his body is feeling and ignore the emotional part of it as much as possible to keep his fears from intruding on what he wants to do with her tonight. The emotions will still be there, certainly, but he needs to place his focus somewhere else. The feeling of Tea's tongue against his own is helping.
As they continue kissing, Todd's hand caresses the side of her body through her clothing. After a few minutes, his hand is at her side, near her breasts.
When Todd removes his lips from hers, Tea is disappointed for a moment, until he brings his hand up and caresses her neck. They both watch Todd's hand as it moves from her neck and begins journeying down her body.
For a moment, his finger moves up and down over the area her bra covers between her breasts.
Tea moves her gaze to his face, watching him watch his hand spread out as it moves to the side until it's covering her breast. Todd keeps his hand still, cupping her breast through her shirt and bra as he looks back up at her face.
The moment Todd's eyes look into hers, Tea moans and closes her eyes. It's too much for her. Too many nights she laid in bed fantasizing about him touching her and now he is. It's just too much for her.
Todd's lips touch her cheek briefly before quickly finding her lips. Tea moans again and gives in to her passion, at least with their kiss. She forces herself to keep her hands where they are and not reach out and grab any part of his body. She doesn't trust her ability to restrain herself right now. He's turning her on too much.
Todd's hand gently plays with her breast while they continue to kiss. When he begins to focus his attention on her nipple she again moans into his mouth.
A moment later, he ends their kiss and his hand leaves her breast.]
chapter 97:
[Tea is disappointed, thinking that their night is over, that Todd went as far as he could tonight. What they've done so far has felt great. Damn great. Better than sex. Tea unintentionally laughs at her realization.]
Todd: What's so funny?
Tea: Nothing.
Todd: I'm not unbuttoning your shirt if you're gonna laugh at me.
Tea: Are you still planning to do that? I thought you decided to stop.
Todd: Well, now I did. I was just changing my position but
now...
Tea: I wasn't laughing at you. Unbutton my shirt.
Todd: Forget it.
Tea: I swear, I wasn't. Unfasten my bra.
Todd: We already agreed...
Tea: I know. We can wait until tomorrow for that. I just wanted you to know that I want that. I can't wait for that. We'll stop driving early tomorrow night...tomorrow afternoon... I think noon would be a good time to stop, actually.
Todd: Montana's kind of big. It'll take us all day to get to Idaho. You'll be too exhausted from sitting in the car all day doing nothing while I drive.
Tea: Maybe we should make an exception to the new state every night rule.
Todd: If we're too tired when we finally get there, we'll just postpone what we were planning.
Tea: No, we won't. Let's not talk about that now. We'll argue about it while we're driving tomorrow. Right now you have a shirt to unbutton, mister.
Todd: You ruined the mood I was almost in.
Tea: Almost? Is that what Todd Manning almost in the mood is like. I can't wait to experience you in the mood.
Todd: Then you'll really get a good laugh.
Tea: Do you want to know why I laughed? Do you really want to know?
[Todd lays down on his back and stares at the ceiling.]
Todd: What I really want is to get some sleep so shut up and turn off the light.
Tea: I was laughing because I realized that what we've been doing tonight has been better than sex. The way you kissed me, the way you were touching me, the way it felt when I was touching and kissing you, turned me on more than being with any other man ever has, even during intercourse. I don't know why but for some reason I found that realization amusing.
[Tea quickly turns her body away from Todd's and shuts off the lamp. When she turns back toward him, she cuddles against his body, preparing to fall asleep, although, she's hoping he'll have a less relaxing idea and finish their plans for the night.]
Todd: It's a good thing we'll never be going all the way. You'd hurt yourself laughing so much.
Tea: I think it will happen, Todd.
Todd: I think you're pregnant.
Tea: Do you really?
Todd: You have to be. This has to get screwed up somehow. It's your turn.
Tea: What if I don't take my turn? What if I'm not pregnant? What if I don't leave you? Then what?
Todd: Then I'll leave. Or, maybe I'll push you away. Or, you'll push me away. Something has to happen.
Tea: We could stay together and make it work this time...all the way to sex and beyond.
Todd: You only think that you want that.
Tea: I could prove to you right now how much I want that.
Todd: You really think it will happen someday?
Tea: Yes.
Todd: How old do you think we'll be? Senior citizens?
Tea: We'll still be doing it then, too. The first time, though, will be much sooner.
Todd: Really? How soon?
Tea: If I'm not pregnant...
Todd: Which we both know you are.
Tea: ...it will probably be soon after we find out. I think within days.
Todd: Forget the fantasy, after we find out you did get yourself knocked up, do you still expect that between us?
Tea: Yes.
Todd: You always did have a warped sense of who I was.
Tea: No, I didn't. I don't now. I wouldn't expect you to make love to me while I'm pregnant...which I know I'm not.
Todd: So, when were you figuring?
Tea: If I am, you'll leave. I know that. Someday, though, you'll come back.
Todd: You're sure about that?
Tea: Yes.
Todd: I don't know. It wouldn't exactly be an easy thing for me to forget that you've been screwing around on me, especially when I looked at your kid and saw a miniature R.J.
Tea: I handled it with Starr. You'd learn how to handle it, too.
Todd: I don't think so. Tea, try to remember who I am here, okay? I'm not understanding and forgiving and all that junk.
Tea: I have a lot of faith in you, Todd.
Todd: Too much.
Tea: We'll see.
Todd: Yeah, we will because you are knocked up.
Tea: I don't think so.
Todd: I know so.
Tea: We'll find out.
Todd: Yeah, we will. When exactly were we going to find out again?
[Tea raises her head and begins kissing his flesh where her head had been resting against his body. Todd waits until she begins moving toward his stomach before he speaks again.]
Todd: Delgado? What do you think you're doing?
[Tea raises her head but her hand caresses down his stomach to the top of his jeans.]
Tea: I'm following your lead.
Todd: I don't remember leading you down there.
Tea: Earlier, you began kissing me to get out of discussing our fight, remember?
Todd: That's different.
Tea: Why?
Todd: Because, that was me distracting you.
Tea: Don't you enjoy the way I'm distracting you?
[The tip of one of Tea's fingers moves under the top of his jeans.]
Todd: Delgado...
[Her finger moves slightly lower.]
Tea: What?
[Todd removes her hand from his stomach. He quickly slides down the bed while pulling her into his arms...into a kiss.
This time it doesn't take as long for his hand to land on her breast, or for his fingers to find her nipple.
After several minutes, he encourages her onto her back. He sits up, next to her. His hands quickly go to the top of her shirt. He unbuttons one button and stops himself. He reaches across her body and turns the lamp on again, wanting to see her while he does this for the first time.
He returns to his place next to her and begins unbuttoning her shirt again, rapidly working his way down, unbuttoning each button as quickly as he can, tugging on her shirt, cursing the uncooperative buttons as he goes. Tea smiles, enjoying his eagerness.
When he finishes and the shirt is finally open, he lays down beside her again. His hand goes under one side of her shirt, pushing it out of the way as his arm wraps around her and pulls her toward him again.
As Todd caresses her back, he's amazed how smooth her skin is. Tea leans more into him, wanting his hand to explore more of her back. Like everything else has been with him, the sensual sensation is overwhelming for her. Her face rests against his bare shoulder as her own arm around his back begins to caress him.
Tea kisses his shoulder for several moments before descending on the area of his skin that turned him on earlier. Todd only allows her a few moments before he presses into her and rolls her onto her back again.
He kisses near her ear, wanting to have the same desirous effect on her that she has been having on him. Soon, his mouth moves to her neck. To get a better angle, he pulls the pillow out from under her head and throws it across the room.
His arm is around her body as his own body is pressed tightly against her. His hand caresses the area that her bra is covering at her side. As his lips move to her shoulders, his hand moves to her breast and caresses her through her bra.
As his kisses move toward her other breast, Tea moans, overwhelmed by the sensations but wanting even more.]
chapter 98:
[Knowing that he's turning her on, increases Todd's desire for Tea and causes him to go further than he had planned on this night.
He kisses the area between her breasts and darts his tongue under her bra. Tea writhes on the bed, overwhelmed physically yet wanting more...much more.
Todd returns to kissing her shoulder and neck. Several moments later, he moves his lips to the area behind her ear that he knows will turn her on even more.
When his lips finally press against her lips again, they both know that they're losing control. They kiss passionately. Todd's hand continues caressing her chest, switching from one breast to the other...from one nipple to the other.
Tea moans. Todd grunts. Todd's lower body presses against her with a need that frustrates him immensely since he knows that he can't satisfy it tonight. It's not the right time.
Tea knows what he wants. She tries to turn towards him, wanting to be fully pressed against him, but he stops her.
When they speak, both are out of breath and hornier than either can ever recall.]
Todd: We can't.
Tea: We could.
Todd: Oh, hell!
Tea: It wouldn't be hell, Todd. I promise you that.
[Todd closes his eyes and rolls away from her, onto his back.]
Todd: Don't do this to me.
Tea: I want to do everything to you...with you...for you...because of you.
Todd: I gotta get out of here.
[Todd sits up. Tea sits up behind him, places her arms around his upper body, and kisses his bare shoulder.]
Tea: Stay.
Todd: You...
Tea: We'll stop and go to sleep.
Todd: I'm not really all that tired. I'll just go for a little jog. I'll be back in an hour...
[Tea uses her face to push away his hair, allowing her to kiss his neck.]
Todd: ...or two.
Tea: Todd, stay.
[Tea kisses his skin once more before resting her head against his shoulder, her emotions threatening her.]
Tea: I wish I could be with you. For so long I've wanted to know what it would feel like. It's not sex, Todd. That's what makes this so difficult.
Todd: I don't understand.
Tea: If it were sex...just sex...it would be easy.
Todd: For you, maybe. Sex has always screwed everything up for me. It's dirty. It's ugly. It's painful. It hurts. I would hurt you and you would hate me. I would hate myself. I do hate myself.
Tea: You wouldn't hurt me, not physically. That much I trust.
Todd: Don't pretend my past didn't happen, Delgado. Don't ever think that I'll forget it either. I have to remember.
Tea: Your past doesn't mean that you'll hurt me.
Todd: I have before. Just let go of me. And, I mean really let go of me this time. Don't expect me to come back. Don't wait for me. Don't need me.
Tea: It's too late.
Todd: Not for you. Just do it, Delgado. Do it for you. Do it for that kid you're knocked up with. Just let me get the hell out of here. Let me leave and don't call me back again. Don't whisper my name when I'm asleep. Don't invade my head when I'm awake. Just let go of me. Let me take care of you the best way I can.
Tea: The best way you can is right here, right now.
Todd: If I screwed you, what good would that do? All it would do is destroy you. I destroy everyone who gets near me. Get the hell away from me. Stop trying to sacrifice yourself to save me. Just stop it.
[Tea removes her arms from around his body and pulls away from him. She stands up and walks across the room, stopping in front of a small window. She pulls back the curtain and looks into the darkness...looking at nothing, wishing she felt nothing.
Todd grabs his shirt and puts it on but doesn't waste time buttoning it. He searches for his socks and shoes. He sits on the bed as he quickly puts them on.
He can hear Tea sniffling but he tries to ignore it, to push the pain her pain causes him out of his mind. He knows that he's doing the best thing for her by giving her freedom from him.
When Todd finishes dressing, he stands up and walks toward the door. His hand is on the doorknob when he turns to look at Tea. His heart breaks as tears form in his eyes. He loves her. He'll spend the rest of his life miserable without her because he knows that he has to...it's the best thing for her.
He knows he should leave immediately. He knows that words would only make things more difficult. He knows that if he hears her voice right now, or sees her eyes, he'll be tempted to stay...to keep trying for her. He can't help himself, though. He needs more...more time, more chances, more willpower.]
Todd: Delgado?
[There's a long pause as Tea continues to silently stare out the window and Todd silently stares at her.]
Tea: Do you want to know why I made him shave?
Todd (confused): What?
[Tea looks at Todd. The eye contact hurts him, especially the pain he sees in her eyes.]
Tea: R.J., remember? Do you want to know why I did it?
Todd: Delgado, this is the last time we'll ever see each other. You want to spend our last moment together talking about that loser?
Tea: I did it because I needed proof.
[Todd gives in. He knows that he can't leave yet and this conversation, as much as he knows he'll hate it, does allow him more minutes to look at her, to hear her voice, to soak her in before leaving her life forever.]
Todd: Proof of what?
Tea: He told me that he loved me.
[Todd looks away for a moment, really not wanting to hear about this.]
Tea: I didn't believe him. It just seemed to come out of nowhere. Suddenly he's insisting that he loves me. Sure, we had been spending a little more time together. After you left, living in that hotel room was so lonely and depressing. I would avoid going back there at night. I started going into R.J.'s club a lot. I would work late at the office almost every night and then I'd take more work with me when I left. I would go to Club Indigo or to a restaurant. Sometimes, I'd go to the diner but it was hard having so many people there look at me like I was so pathetic because I couldn't get over you...I couldn't shake you. At R.J.'s club, at least he didn't look at me that way. So, I'd work and he'd work and we'd talk a little. I didn't think it was enough for him to develop any feelings for me beyond a basic friendship. So, when he starting saying that he loved me, I didn't believe him.
[Todd continues to stand by the door, completely uncomfortable with their topic of conversation.]
Tea: He was there for me. He did help me through some difficult times, like when I was shot and in the hospital.
Todd: I was there for you, too.
Tea: Hiding in the shadows. You didn't let me know you were there. You couldn't give me that much, could you? You couldn't actually show me that I mattered to you, that you cared.
Todd: Well, apparently you didn't need me. You had someone else right there holding your hand, touching you, kissing you. You got along just fine without me. Besides, I would have just gotten in the way of this great love affair you had going. You were so busy screwing around with the corrupt cop and the crooked club owner that you wouldn't have even noticed me. You wanted us to say good-bye before I left this time but if this is what you had in mind you can forget it. I'm not interested in hearing a detailed account of your sex life when you were screwing around on me. See ya! Actually, I won't be seeing you, but I bet R.J. will be. I bet he'll be seeing all of you within the first two minutes of your return to Llanview. Or, maybe you could call him and tell him to pick you up here. You could screw him in that bed that we were just...doing whatever the hell we were doing in it. You never cared about that in the past, did you? You'll screw anybody, anywhere. Except me. You're not going to be able to screw me over anymore either. I'm through being the person who's back you're screwing everyone behind.
Tea: Todd...
Todd: Don't even try it, Delgado. Call your lover. Or, should I say -- lovers. You were probably screwing around on R.J., too. The poor sap. If he really does love you than he's an even bigger idiot than I thought.
[Todd unlocks the door and swings it open. He quickly walks out the door, leaving it wide open.
Tea turns with her back to the window. She wraps her arms around herself as tears stream down her face. When she speaks, her voice is quiet and filled with pain.]
Tea: He doesn't love me. No one does. No one ever has.
[Todd stands outside the door, trying to convince himself to walk away, to leave her forever. He has his chance to be free of her, to force her to be free of him. He knows he should do it. He knows going back into that motel room would be a colossal mistake. He knows he'll just be faced with even more misery and pain if he allows her to suck him back in this time. So what if she's hurting. She hurt him so her pain doesn't matter to him anymore. Never again.
Todd hears her distant crying as his feet finally begin to move again, taking him away from her, away from the pain...he hopes.]
chapter 99:
[Todd rushes to his car, determined that he's through with Tea Delgado. He'll never think about her again. He'll never allow himself to be weak enough to feel anything for her...for anyone...ever again. He's done.
As Todd enters the car and starts the engine, he looks at the empty passenger seat. He quickly leans his head back and closes his eyes. He can't do this. He can't feel her loss.
He tries to take a deep breath but it doesn't help. The scent of Tea's perfume fills his senses. Her scent...her face...her voice...her laugh...her touch...
Less than a minute later...
Todd slams the car door as he storms back toward their motel room. The door is still open. He barges in and gruffly speaks.]
Todd: What the hell are you doing? I told you to let me go. Stop pulling on me.
[Todd stops at the sight of Tea. She is sitting on the floor, leaning her back against the wall. Her legs are curled up to her body, her arms wrapped around her legs, her head resting against her knees. Her body is shaking slightly from her crying.
Todd feels like he's been kicked in the gut...hundreds of times. He was never good at seeing her in pain. The sight of her now is too much for him. His anger momentarily lessens as his love overflows and drowns it out.
At the sound of the door closing, Tea looks up. She's surprised to find Todd in the room with her. The look on his facing is even more surprising to her...and more perplexing.
It's always amazed her how his expression could quickly go from complete hatred to something different...softer. It can't be love, she knows that. But, the look on his face now, the same one that she had seen a few times before during their earlier marriages, is as close to feeling loved as she's allowed herself to feel since she was a little girl.
Todd walks over to the bed and sits down on the edge so that he's facing Tea.]
Todd: Finish your story.
Tea: Todd...
Todd: I'll never give you this chance again so you better take it. And, no intimate descriptions needed. I have a very vivid imagination.
Tea: I don't want you imagining that. I never meant to hurt you, Todd.
Todd: Too late.
Tea: I'm sorry.
Todd: Just finish your damn story. It's late and I'm tired.
Tea: We don't have to talk anymore. We never have to talk again, if you'll just stay with me.
Todd: Finish your story.
[Tea doesn't understand why he wants her to continue but she knows that it is important that he hear what she has to say. Maybe he knows that, too.]
Tea: Where did I leave off?
Todd: I don't know. Something about you screwing every piece of equipment you could get your hands, and whatever other body parts, on.
Tea: Todd, let's not do this.
Todd: Just finish your story before the vein throbbing in my head finally gives out.
Tea: Todd...
Todd: Tea, just tell me already.
Tea: Okay.
[Tea pauses for a moment to gather her thoughts, trying to think of how to explain this to him...and to herself. She wipes at the tears on her face with the sleeve of her shirt as she tries to shut down her emotions enough to get through this conversation.]
Tea: R.J. told me that he loved me.
Todd: Yeah, we covered that part already. Move on.
Tea: This isn't easy for me.
Todd: You think this is a thrill ride for me?
Tea: Why I decided to go ahead with R.J., I don't really know. I didn't believe that he loved me. He was there, though, through some difficult moments for me.
Todd: Yeah, I'm sure he was offering up body parts for you to comfort yourself with.
Tea: He was very sweet.
Todd: I'm very nauseous.
Tea: Actually, for a while there, things were pretty dismal between us.
Todd: Good!
Tea: But, after I was shot and I woke up in the hospital and he was there...
Todd: So, if he hadn't been there...
Tea: If you had come out of the shadows...
Todd: Don't you dare say it.
Tea: He was there, Todd. I almost died. When I woke up, I didn't really feel like I had a reason to live. I was so miserable...so unhappy...and had been for so long.
Todd: He made you happy?
Tea: I don't know. It was nice having someone show affection to me. I think he was a lot like Andrew.
Todd: I hate R.J.'s guts for what he did with you but even I don't hate him enough to compare him to that sanctimonious saint of self-righteousness.
Tea: I was with Andrew because I couldn't be with you. I had all of these feelings that I couldn't give to you so I gave them to him. He did the same with me. His wife had left him. I think he needed someone to give those feelings to since she wasn't accepting them anymore.
Todd: I thought he did whatever he did just to tick me off. You think he was using you as a substitute? Interesting.
Tea: Do you think R.J. was with me to tick you off, too?
Todd: Of course. What's your theory?
Tea: I think it was the same as with Andrew.
Todd: You think R.J. was hot for Cassie?
Tea: No, but I think he did love someone that he couldn't be with so he wanted to be with me instead.
Todd: Who?
Tea: Jacara. Do you remember her?
Todd: The music chick?
Tea: Their relationship ended suddenly and not by R.J.'s choosing. I think for a while he waited and hoped that she'd come back to him and give him another chance.
Todd: And, then he got desperate and hooked up with you instead?
Tea: If you don't want to have this conversation...
Todd: No, so far the vomit hasn't risen beyond my chest. I have a few more minutes before I start spewing.
Tea: Todd, seriously...
Todd: Seriously, Tea, I can handle it...I think. Just keep any mentions of body parts to a minimum.
Tea: I think that maybe he truly believed that he did love me. I don't think he was admitting to himself that his feelings may have really been coming from somewhere else.
Todd: Maybe? So, you think there's a chance that maybe it was real for him?
Tea: I don't think so.
Todd: But, maybe?
Tea: I suppose.
Todd: What about for you?
Tea: I wasn't in love with him. I knew that. I did appreciate his friendship. I did love him in that sense but I wasn't in love with him. The only time I ever even told him that I loved him was when I knew I was saying good-bye to him before going to Viki's cabin to meet you and come on this trip with you.
Todd: Well, if you knew before you got there that you were coming with me, why did you put me through hell before agreeing?
Tea: I didn't know for certain that I would be coming with you.
Todd: But, you just said... Wait. Forget that...for now. Finish digging the dagger.
Tea: Is this really painful for you?
Todd: Just finish.
Tea: Fine. The first time...when we changed our relationship from strictly friends to...
Todd: The first time you screwed him. Or, are you going to twist the knife telling me you were making love?
Tea: No. That part of our relationship was just sex. That's what it was for me, anyway. I needed to know what it was for him.
Todd: That's why he had to lose his beard? To prove that he loved you?
Tea: No.
[Todd pauses for a minute as he realizes what Tea is trying to tell him.]
Todd: You forced him to sacrifice his facial hair so you could convince yourself that he didn't love you, that he just wanted to screw you. Is that it?
Tea: Men will do almost anything you ask them to do when they think that it will get them sex.
Todd: But, don't you get it, Delgado? He might have thought that he was proving his love to you. Maybe he thought his beard scratched you when you...when you...you know...touched lips.
Tea: We hadn't kissed yet. Our first kiss was...
Todd: Your first screw. I get it. No more details.
Tea: I knew that he didn't love me. I just needed confirmation before I allowed our physical relationship to go to that level.
Todd: Is that why you wanted me to shave? To prove that I don't...well...to prove something to you?
Tea: No. I honestly wasn't thinking about it in that moment. We agreed already that sex isn't even an option until...
Todd: That's not the way it sounds sometimes with the things you've been saying to me.
Tea: I want to be with you. I do. Even if you were ready right now, though, I don't think that I am. As you can see, I'm a complete mess.
Todd: That's okay. I've lived with you before, remember? I've known for a long time that you're a complete mess.
Tea: When I suggested you shave, it wasn't the same thing. I wasn't looking for proof of anything. I just thought that since you always shaved at least part of your face in the past that you might want to now. So far on this trip, you haven't done anything. You haven't even trimmed it.
Todd: Are you saying it repulses you?
Tea: No. If you want to grow a beard and look like you haven't seen a razor in years, that's fine with me. I'm sure I'll enjoy kissing your chin and finding a snack waiting for me.
Todd: Well, that's why I don't wash my face before we do stuff.
Tea: Actually, I know that you do and I appreciate it.
Todd: I do not.
Tea: I've tasted the soap.
[There's a long pause as Todd considers something more serious than his own facial hair situation.]
Todd: Delgado? What if you're wrong? What if he does love you? What if he can give you all of the stuff that you want?
Tea: He doesn't. No one does.
[Tea looks down as tears come to her eyes again.]
Todd: What if you're wrong?
Tea: I'm not.
Todd: How do you know?
Tea: I know. No one could.
Todd: Tea...
Tea: There's nothing to love. There's nothing inside me that anyone will ever love.
[Intense pain flows through both their bodies as tears stream down Tea's face.]
Tea: I feel like it was ripped away. I really do. I physically feel it. I loved her so much. I trusted her. I had never even thought about it. I had just always felt it. There was this connection between us. When she left, she pulled so hard trying to break that connection and get away that she took so much of it with her. There's nothing left. Nothing except...
[After Tea doesn't finish her thought, Todd finishes it for her.]
Todd: A bruised, bloody, scarred, disgusting little stump.
Tea: Sometimes I wish she had taken all of it. If she had just ripped all of my heart out instead of leaving that little part then I wouldn't have to feel all this pain all the time.
Todd: Yeah, you would. Trust me. I'm totally heartless. Ask anyone.
Tea: I know that's not true.
Todd: It is. I feel stuff, though. It still hurts when people go in there poking around trying to find something that isn't there.
Tea: You have a heart, Todd. I've seen it. For a little while there I actually thought...
[Tea stops speaking again, the emotions too painful for her. Todd knows that she's talking about thinking that he loved her but feeling now that he never did.]
Tea: But you do with Starr, Todd. You love her. Your heart is filled with that love.
Todd: But, that's all that I've got. The little stump that wasn't forced out of me when I was a kid is all that I have. It was never enough. Starr deserved more.
Tea: No one could ever love her more than you do, Todd. And, she loves you and that love is inside of you, too. Don't pretend that it isn't there.
Todd: Maybe you'll get lucky, Tea. If you are knocked up, you'll be glad. You'll see.
Tea: I'm not pregnant. I'll never know what that's like. I'll never feel loved the way that you have.
Todd: Delgado...
Tea: It's okay. I'll survive. I will.
[Todd watches Tea's eyes carefully. He can tell that she's trying to stop her tears from falling anymore. He wants to stop her pain even though he understands that he'll never be able to. He knows what it's like to feel what she's feeling right now. He knows that it's a permanent feeling...at least it always has been for him.]
Todd: Delgado, why do you keep trying to see something that isn't inside me?
Tea: It is there, Todd. I know it is.
Todd: Whatever. Why do you keep trying?
Tea: Because you're worth it.
Todd: Don't you think you're worth it?
[The tears fall even heavier and pain is evident in her voice when she answers him in a voice barely above a whisper.]
Tea: No.
chapter 100:
[Tea lowers her head again as more tears flow. Her exhausted body shakes with sobs as Todd watches, not knowing what to do, or say, to help her.
More than a minute later...]
Todd: Delgado?
[Tea doesn't respond.]
Todd: Delgado?
[Tea continues to sob in front of him without responding.]
Todd: Come on, Delgado.
[Todd gets off the bed and takes a couple of steps toward her. He lowers himself until he's sitting beside her. He speaks softly to her.]
Todd: Tea...
[Tea looks up at him, startled that he's so close to her. She moves away from him, not feeling able to be physically near anyone right now. She feels too vulnerable...too open.]
Todd: It's not a trick, Tea. I'm not being nice to you to set you up. Actually, I'm not being nice at all because I don't do nice, you know that. It's just that...I'm tired and I can't sleep when there's a chick crying in the corner. Stop being so selfish. Blow your nose. Toss a bunch of water on your face. Do whatever chicks do at times like this. Then, we can go to bed and forget all about this. Okay?
[Tea forces herself to bring her tears under control. She wipes the moisture from her face and looks at Todd. She wants to shut down her emotions but he makes that so difficult when he's near her or when he tries to be understanding.
Looking at him, it's obvious to her that he's extremely uncomfortable. He did come to her, though. He's sitting on the floor near her, offering her... She's not quite sure what he's offering. She assumes that he probably doesn't know either.
Tea knows that she should keep her distance from him right now but she can't control her need for him at this moment...it's too great.
Todd watches as she slowly moves closer to him. His body stiffens, not knowing what she's planning to do. He keeps completely still as her body comes into contact with his. Her head rests on his shoulder as her arms wrap around his body. There are several moments of silence as she holds him.]
Todd: Delgado?
Tea: Let me pretend, Todd. Just for a few minutes.
[He knows that what she wants to pretend is that he loves her, that he's the one holding her right now. For several moments, Todd tries to talk himself out of doing something really stupid, like declaring his love for her. He knows he needs to do something, though. Slowly, he reaches his hand up to her hair and lightly touches it.
Tea quickly moves her head away from his shoulder, startling him. He almost reaches out and grabs onto her, not wanting her body to leave his.
He quickly realizes that he doesn't have to do anything to keep her next to him as she rests her body in a new position.
Her body is now curled up next to him, her head in his lap. When she speaks, her voice is weak and vulnerable, cutting through his heart and weakening his defenses even more.]
Tea: Help me pretend, Todd. Please, help me pretend.
[Todd's hand instantly returns to her hair, stroking it lightly, wanting to comfort her, wanting to ease her pain.
She's done it so many time for him. Sometimes she didn't even know that she was easing his pain. Sometimes she wasn't even awake when she did it.
During their first marriage, she comforted him so many times and so many ways without ever knowing it. Todd didn't want her to know. He didn't want to give her that power.
She made the call of his nightly demons harder to hear every time he spent part of the night watching her sleep. And, so many times, she stopped him from hurting himself or other people just by speaking his name or gently touching him.
She made him feel like less of a monster. She gave him hope. Sometimes he hated that about her. He hated her optimism. He hated her insistence that there was more than garbage inside him.
As he continues to try to comfort her, he realizes that all those times she worked so hard to show him, to convince him that there was something worthwhile inside him, she was probably feeling just as worthless about herself as he felt about himself. This whole time she's felt that there was nothing that anyone would want or find any value in if they looked too deeply inside her. That never stopped her from seeing so much inside him, though. That never stopped her from trying to help him even when it looked hopeless to everyone else. She loved him and wanted him to love her even though she didn't believe that he could. Now he knows why she wasn't ready to handle that love...why she so easily questioned it when it felt to him like he was making it completely obvious.
He realizes now, what it's been like for her all these years. He realizes how impossible it can be to show someone something inside them that you know is there but that they can't, or won't, see.
He knows that she's wrong about what she thinks she sees inside him but he wishes he knew how to destroy the image she has of herself and show her that there really is something inside her...something worth something...something that is worth being loved for.
He looks down at her. Her face looks more peaceful now. Maybe he is helping her. He knows from his own experience that whatever good this is doing her won't last. When she wakes up she'll feel like garbage again. She'll continue to feel unloved. He knows how much she'll hate this moment in the morning because it will give her hope and hope always dies in the morning light.]
Todd: Tea?
Tea: Just a few more minutes, Todd.
Todd: It's not that.
Tea: I don't want you to stop. Not yet.
Todd: Tea...
Tea: Please, Todd. Just let me have this feeling for a few more minutes. I know it isn't real. I know it will disappear. I promise I know. I just want a few more minutes.
Todd: You deserve more. I was never the best guy to try to get it from. But, hey, you were never too bright, at least not when it came to me.
[Tea turns her head and looks up at him. He's relieved that there's a smile on her face.
His hand again returns to stroking her hair. His other hand gently caresses her face. She closes her eyes and savors the feeling.
For several minutes his fingers continue their gentle massage. He touches her face, her neck and even her upper chest through her opened shirt. He stays above her breasts, though. This time he isn't trying to make her feel turned on. He's trying to make her feel loved.
As more time passes he isn't certain if she's asleep or just extremely calm but he knows that she does feel better and it makes him feel a little better himself knowing that he's the reason.
When he finally speaks again, his voice is quiet and gentle.]
Todd: You're so soft, Tea. Everything else is so rough but you've always been so soft. You really do deserve a hell of a lot more but if this is what you want...
[Todd leans his head back. Words are so difficult for him. Actions are impossible. He wants to try...for her...maybe even a little for himself. She makes him want to try. He always did hate that about her.
Later...
When Tea awakens, her head is still in Todd's lap but he's no longer caressing her. She looks up at him and finds him slumped against the wall, asleep. She smiles slightly, thinking how uncomfortable he looks. She can't believe that he stayed like this just to make her feel better.
She looks at his face for a few more minutes before slowly pulling away from his body, trying not to wake him.
She stands up and quickly buttons her shirt as she quietly walks toward the dresser. She retrieves her purse and immediately walks to the door.
After slowly opening the door, she looks at him for another long moment before stepping out of their room, into the cool early morning air, and gently closes the door behind her.]
to be continued...
