 |
 |
|
| E-mail this page to a friend | Tell me when this page is updated |
| NEXUS BY DIVADAISY |
CHAPTER 4 PART 2 |
She looked down at the heating grate where she had found Todd. There was an empty bottle laying on it. She reached through the railing and picked it up, sniffed the open top. She whispered to herself then, "I know, Todd. Womb to tomb…and cradle to casket. I know."
She pitched the empty bottle on the pile of trash next to the stoop and headed down the block to see Mr. Kim.
chapter - Part 2
Inside Todd heard the door slam and knew that Jane was gone for a while. It was a relief. Actually, if it wasn't for the fact that she'd taken his clothes with her, he would have used this time alone to clean up a little and then disappear. It had been a weird couple of days. Hell, he didn't even know anymore what day it was. He felt so fucked up—in body, in mind, in soul. His head was throbbing, pounding, pulsating with pain and pressure. He stood in the closet-sized bathroom leaning on the sink, his hands pressed palms down on either side of the cool porcelain basin. He let the chill flow through him hoping it would reach his head and douse the firestorm that was burning inside. He had closed his eyes to try and will away the coming storm in his head but like all storms, there wasn't much that could be done to stop it. The water in the tub was running, the sound like magic to his ears, but it was taking forever to get hot. When the wave of pain eased a bit he opened his eyes and saw again his own battered reflection in the mirror.
"Loser," he said out loud. "What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you, bastard?" But the mirror had no reply. He reached his hand into the stream of water flowing from the tub faucet to test the temperature. It was warmer but not hot yet, not as hot as he needed it to be in order to feel clean. He opened the medicine cabinet under the pretense of finding some aspirin but what he really hoped to find was some insight into what exactly had become of Lisa, a.k.a. Jane, Carson.
Inside was the usual bathroom stuff—toothpaste, floss, shaving cream and some of those disposable razors (which he pulled out and set on the edge of the sink), a little blue and green bottle of Vick's vap-o-rub, and girl stuff, of course—birth control pills in one of those wheel-of-fortune packs, the little push-up thingies with the string—basically everything you'd expect to find, but nothing that would reveal much about the person who lived here, and no aspirin. The throbbing in his head rising again, Todd slammed the cabinet shut, turned and went back out into the main room.
"Fuck, she's gotta have something," he said. He crossed to the bedside table and pulled open the top drawer hoping Jane kept ibuprofen, Tylenol, something, anything, in there that might help. If he couldn't find any of that, he thought, he'd have to look around for a little of the hair of the dog that bit him. What he found instead was a drawer filled with boxes of condoms. He froze, momentarily stunned by the unexpected find. He sank into a sitting position on the edge of the bed and stared at the open drawer, ignoring the jackhammer in his head for the time being.
"Fuck. What the hell?" he said out loud. "Jesus, were they on sale? Why would she need so many con—" he started, but stopped because the answer came to him as quickly as the question. In the few words they had exchanged before Jane left, Todd had sensed that Jane was somehow changed since college, but maybe not everything about her had changed. Everybody had his or her own demons. He knew all too well that exorcising them could be just as difficult as living with them. Sometimes, living with them was better, because at least they were something familiar. Suddenly, he was aware of a cloud of steam emanating from the bathroom and realized he was wasting water…and time. He gave the cryptic drawer a shove to close it and went back into the bathroom.
The hot water was the cure he'd been looking for. The steam filled his head and calmed the tempest in his brain. The water rained down on his head, his shoulders, his back and legs, soothing the ache in his muscles and washing away the filth of the last few days from his skin. As usual when bathing, he avoided looking at the scars that covered his body. He was aware of them always, but they were souvenirs of a life filled with too many regrets. The one on his face was harder to avoid. It was there in the mirror staring back at him and there for the world to view—a reminder of who he was, what he was. Even if he never looked in a mirror again, that scar would always be reflected to him in the eyes of everyone he met. Most adults didn't ask about it, how he got it, a lot of them already knew. Kids asked though. They didn't know not to. But he was good at making up stories. There was the one about how he used to be a pirate but he had to give it up because there weren't enough deserted islands anymore where he could hide his ill-gotten booty. That was his favorite. There were others too, but they were all just lies to be told to children who were too young to know the truth—he was a bad man who did bad things and once somebody had to hit him over the head with a pipe because of it. The other scars—from being stabbed, shot, punched, whipped, kicked…burned—they were hidden mostly. Mostly. But in the shower he was more aware of them and each one came with a memory he would have rather not kept.
He grabbed the soap and scrubbed around his chest, neck, and face. He could feel the slightly raised spine of the scar on his right cheek, even through his beard. He let the spray of water rinse the soap from his face and traced the scar's ridge with his fingers just as he had traced along Jane's cheek not long ago—the remembered bruise she'd gotten from one of his frat brothers. It was so long ago, but it felt so close to him now.
"That was before…everything," he whispered, "…before Marty, before…everything."
He used her shampoo—girly stuff with some kind of fruity extract, but it would have to do. When he was done he turned off the water, got out of the shower and toweled off. He put the robe back on to keep warm and pried open the plastic bag of disposable razors. He squirted out some shaving cream and set to work trying to find his face beneath the hairy beast, hoping for as little bloodshed as possible from the cheap razors. As the blade came across his right cheek he couldn't fight the compulsion to touch the scar again, first with his fingertips and then covering it with his whole hand so he could feel the length of it against his palm…and to hide it too. It felt good to hide it. It made him think of life before the scar, before…
She had been holding her cheek that night. It was like she needed to touch the bruise that bastard Brett had given her to know it was real. As if the blood in her mouth and the spots still floating around her left eye weren't proof enough. But that bruise, like all the others, was real, he had seen it—yellow at the center bleeding into shades of violet, purple and black, high on her left cheek. He remembered thinking that it was just like the one his mother had had before she left—the day before she left, in fact. Maybe that was it. Maybe that was why he had done it—betrayed one of his brothers to help out a girl he knew only from reputation, because he could never help his mother.
Fall 1992
Llanview University
Kappa Alpha Delta Fraternity
He had kept his nose clean too. He stayed out of trouble like Dad wanted. He had promised that if Dad would let him go away to school he wouldn't pull any of the shit he had in high school—no more fires in dumpsters, no more shoplifting for kicks, no more phone calls from the school shrink or angry parents. There would be no more hard-earned money out of his dad's pocket to stop some stupid slut from throwing around accusations. He had promised, if only Dad would just…let him go…he would be good. And he had been…mostly. Life had been better in Llanview. Being a star on the football team and being with his brothers in the house was everything to Todd. The brothers stood together, stuck up for each other, and they shared everything—even girls, as Todd had soon discovered.
There was a group of them who sort of "belonged" to the frat. Some were sorority girls, others were just regular co-eds but they all had a thing for great parties and lots of frat guys. Brett had introduced him to some of them. Most of those girls didn't care if you were rich or poor, stupid or smart, they were just looking for a good time and that was cool with Todd. It was easier not to have any attachments. It was easier just to get a little action and not worry about the complications of love or relationships or any of that crap, Todd thought. Of course, some of those girls had an agenda. Some of them were what his dad called "man-eaters." They were looking for a guy who could give them something—money, status, whatever their emotional drug happened to be. Like Lisa Carson. She was a piece of work. Not just any brother would do for her. She was interested in wealth and status. If you didn't have a trust fund and connections then you were invisible to her. From the things other guys had said, Todd knew she was "quite a ride," but not one you could ride for free, at least not for long. In fact, lately she had attached herself to Brett Sanders.
Brett was the fraternity president. Everybody loved the guy. He was the king of KAD, the king of campus, really. He came from money and he liked to spend it, which made him popular with everybody. He rarely studied but he always seemed to pass his classes. He was the life of every party and the idea man when the boys were getting restless. It was Brett who took Todd to all the parties when he was still just a pledge. It was Brett who first made Todd feel like a brother—a real brother. It was Brett he had made his pledge to when he joined KAD. Brothers for life…womb to tomb…it was almost…sacred.
Everybody seemed to think that Brett and Lisa made a really fucked-up couple. They had been exclusive practically all semester. Of course, "exclusive" to Brett meant that he could fuck whoever he wanted but Lisa better only be fucking him. Brett had a jealous streak…and a temper. A lot of the guys had tried to warn him not to get serious with Lisa Carson or any girl like her. Even Kevin Buchanan had tried and he and Brett clashed about almost everything. Even though they both had money, Kevin was a do-gooder while Brett was definitely more into sin. Even so, Kevin had tried to get Brett to see that Lisa was a user. But for some reason, Brett didn't care. For her part, Lisa seemed to know all about Brett's infidelities. She knew he was still sleeping around but she didn't seem to mind it much. They had this…thing…between them that defied logic or explanation. Zach didn't get it. Just a few nights ago, as Todd and Zach had been asleep in the room they shared, from behind the wall that separated their room from Brett's they heard the shouting start. Brett had been convinced that he'd seen Lisa driving around with some other guy and she kept insisting it must have been somebody else. It escalated into a screaming match until finally the whole floor was yelling for them to shut up. Zach couldn't imagine what kept them together. From the other side of the room Todd heard him ask, "Man, why the hell does she put up with him? She's hot, man, she could have any guy she wanted."
"I don't know, Zach. Some girls are just like that, you know," Todd had answered.
"Then why does he put up with her? Why does he want to be with someone he obviously doesn't think he can trust? Man, I just don't get them," he said before pulling the pillow over his head and trying to fall back to sleep.
Todd had just lain in the dark listening to the familiar mantra. He had never questioned what Brett and Lisa saw in each other or why they hung onto each other despite the improbability of their relationship ever working. For Todd, the nights Lisa stayed over—the inevitable argument, the sounds of them making up later—were comforting in a way that was irrational, but so familiar. He never wondered what it was they loved about each other, if they actually did love each other. Love was an improbable emotion as far as Todd was concerned, a useless waste of time. Trying to find reason in any of it was just a bigger waste of time.
The last argument had been over a week ago and Lisa hadn't been around much this week, at least Todd hadn't seen her coming or going. And he would have seen her too. He hadn't been sleeping well lately. The nightmares were back again. Tonight, as the party raged on downstairs, he was pacing back and forth, wishing he would get his official coaching staff phone call or visit so he could slip downstairs for one beer. Maybe it would mellow him out so he could finally sleep tonight. The nightmares were bad. He could tell from the look on Zach's face in the morning, the concerned glances and the whispered, "Are you sure you're okay, man?" Todd hated that. He hated being the object of pity, no matter how small, and he hated even more the fact that he couldn't remember any of it. He remembered the terror. He remembered what felt like…water, waves…darkness…darkness everywhere. He remembered…hands…but the particulars, the actual events, were covered in a shroud of grey mist that he could never see through. He thought sometimes that if he could just see what was out there behind that wall of gloom, he could conquer it, defeat it somehow and then the nightmares would end for good. But he couldn't see it and what really terrified him, terrified him so much he would never admit it to anyone, ever, was that whatever hid in the mist could see him just fine…and it was waiting for him.
As he paced, he wondered what kind of mood his father would be in tomorrow, wondered if he'd be in a good enough mood to talk again about the car he'd been promising Todd at the end of the school year. If Todd could keep his nose clean and pass all of his classes this semester and next, he could have that convertible he'd been wanting. Dad had done well in the stock market the last couple of years and for once he was actually going to share some of his good fortune with Todd. He paced back and forth, picked up an old baseball from Zack's desk and tossed it into the air a few times. The wind had picked up outside and it howled competing with the wailing vocals of Kurt Cobain coming from downstairs.
I'm so happy because today I've found my friends,
They're in my head.
I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you,
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care,
And I'm not scared
Light my candles in a daze, 'cause I've found God
YEEEAH! YEEEEAH--AH--AH--AH! YEEEAAAAAH!
From the hallway he heard voices, a man and a woman. They moved past his door and into Brett's room next door. Must be Brett and Lisa, Todd thought. The conversation was muffled and Todd wasn't really interested in listening anyway, but he could vaguely decipher that Lisa was trying to talk to Brett about something and he, having started on the libations earlier than everyone else, was fucked up and not paying attention, or horny and not paying attention, or both. Probably both, Todd thought. He was still pacing, thinking about the shitty luck that had scheduled tomorrow's game against Corinth, of all teams. It was a lose-lose situation really. Corinth's team really sucked this year, which was good because it meant L.U. would almost certainly win, and Dad would be proud. But Dad always kept up with all the stats so he was sure to already know that Corinth sucked. If L.U. won tomorrow, he'd say, "Yeah, but my frigid Aunt Freida could have whipped those pussies." Worse yet, if L.U. actually lost to Corinth, Dad would just look at him like he was sorry Todd was ever born and he'd say, "I wouldn't have wasted the money on plane fare out here if I'd known 'the girls' were gonna take the field today." There would be no real win for his father tomorrow. He could feel it. That was why he was glad he had waited to tell his dad the news he got last week.
He had been picked to attend the annual North-Eastern Athletic Conference as a representative for L.U. He was the rep for the men's teams and some chick named Carol Swift was the rep for the women's teams. Something like this that made him stand out from all the other players would give his dad something to really talk about. No matter what happened in the game, Dad had to be proud of him for this. He decided he'd wait until they went to dinner after the game to tell Dad.
Next door, Lisa must have finally gotten through to Brett because he was silent and Todd could hear only her voice, low and steady. It must be serious, Todd thought. Brett was never quiet for this long when Lisa was around. Suddenly, the calm was broken by the sound of glass shattering as it hit the wall. Todd froze, barely breathing, waiting for what would come next. He could hear Lisa clearly now, her voice still steady but at a much higher pitch.
"Please, Brett, don't be mad, okay? Everything can work out. This doesn't have to be the end of anything. It can be a new beginning for us, okay? Maybe this isn't what we planned but—"
Her voice was cut off in mid-sentence and Todd could hear the gurgling noises as she struggled to breath. He couldn't see them but he knew those sounds meant Brett's hands were around her neck.
"MOTHERFUCKING WHORE! THE ONLY THING THAT ENDS TONIGHT IS YOUR LYING BITCH LIFE!" Brett was screaming at her. Todd heard a thump as something or someone slammed against the wall then the sounds of coughing and choking as Lisa was apparently allowed to breathe again. Todd could hear her gasping and wheezing, the air whistling as she sucked it into her grateful lungs. There were more sounds of crashing and breaking as Brett hurled things around the room all the while screaming about lying whores getting what was coming to them. Lisa must have tried to get out of the room because Todd heard Brett yell, "WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING WHORE! I'M NOT THROUGH WITH YOU YET, BITCH"
Again her body hit the wall that separated Brett's room from Todd's. He could hear Brett's voice, deep and even, and deadly serious, through the wall. "Tell me who it was, Lisa. Don't make me hurt you. You know how much I love you, right? You know I need you and I need you to be here for me, right? Just be honest with me. Give me the name of the cocksucker you've been balling behind my back and I won't have to punish you anymore. Whose is it? 'Cause I know it ain't mine, bitch. You want us to be happy again, don't you baby girl? Just…tell me."
Downstairs the music wailed on.
I like it! I'm not gonna crack!
I miss you! I'm not gonna crack!
I love you! I'm not gonna crack!
I kill you! I'm not gonna crack!
Todd hadn't moved. He was frozen to the floor trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. He remembered from his parents' fights when he was little that it was better for everyone if he didn't get in the middle. Once, when he was four, he had tried to intervene on his mother's behalf. He had tried to stand up to his father and told him not to hurt Mama anymore. For his troubles he had gotten to see what it was like to go down the stairs head first. He also got a broken wrist and a dislocated shoulder. In the emergency room he remembered the pitying looks the nurses gave his mother. They had seen her before. He remembered lying on the gurney with his shoulder feeling like the arm had been ripped off completely, and listening to his mother lie about him. He was a hyperactive child. She was at her wit's end with what to do about it. If she had told him once she had told him a million times, no running in the house. But did he listen? It was better to stay out of it. He could never save her.
From behind the wall Todd could hear Lisa sobbing, trying to maintain her composure, trying to get back some measure of control. She spoke calmly. "Brett, I swear to you, there's no one else. Everybody knows I'm your girl. Do you think anybody would risk touching me knowing they'd have to deal with you?" Maybe she was getting through to him, because he was quiet again. Todd took a few steps towards the wall. If he reached out he imagined he could feel the heat from the spot where Lisa was pressed against it on the other side. He could hear Brett's voice again, soft and smooth. He could hear the sound of hushed kisses and caresses as Brett spoke. "Baby girl, baby girl, you get me so screwed up, ya know? Why do you do this to us, huh? Why can't we just love each other a little, huh? Don't I get you all the things you want? Don't I take you to all the best places?"
Lisa responded to his tender words. "You give me everything, sugarman. You make me feel so good. Nobody else could love me like you. Nobody. I only want you, baby. I swear I only want you."
The grunting, shuddering sounds of passion replaced the anger and tears. Todd let the tension fall out of him. He felt himself relax and he let out a deep sigh as though he had been holding his breath forever. He started to walk away, thought maybe he'd turn on the radio for a while, when he heard Brett's voice again.
"Who was it, baby girl? Which one of my so-called brothers had his lousy cock up your snatch? JUST FUCKING TELL ME!"
Lisa, caught off guard by the sudden shift in mood, stumbled over her words. "I-I-I…uh, no, I mean…there's nobody, lover. I swear it. You're the only one. It's your—" Again her voice was stopped, but this time Todd knew exactly what had cut it short. He recognized the thwapcrack sound of fist meeting face all too well. He heard her stifled cry of disbelief and pain. He could almost feel it through the wall. Again he heard it—thwapcrack—and then the sound of Lisa's body sliding slowly down the wall.
"DON'T YOU FUCKING MOVE, BITCH. DON'T YOU FUCKING MOVE FROM THAT SPOT!" Brett bellowed and then Todd heard the door open and close and heavy footfalls as Brett walked down the hall and down the back stairs.
Lisa's sobs reverberated through the wall. Wherever she had landed, she wasn't moving, but her crying told Todd that at least she was still conscious. Brett had been gone for less than a minute so far. Todd thought that if he was quick about it he could probably get Lisa out of there before Brett got back. He could hide her out here in his room until he found a way to get Brett out the house, and then he could sneak her out. Maybe. If she wanted to be…rescued. He moved to the door of his room and was about to turn the doorknob when he thought again of that broken wrist and dislocated shoulder. Not everybody wants to be saved, he thought. Some girls… But even as he was telling himself internally to just stay the fuck out of it his hand was turning the knob, he was checking the hall to make sure it was clear, he was listening at the top of the back stairs for the sounds of Brett's return, and finally, he was standing in front of Brett's door, his hand on the doorknob, turning it slowly.
Inside, Lisa's sobs got louder. Todd opened the door slowly. She must have been watching it, waiting, because her expression was one of shock mixed with faint relief when she realized it wasn't Brett standing in the doorway. But as Todd approached her, her body limp and slumped against the wall, her eyes grew wide as she realized that she had no idea what his intent was. She didn't scream but she made small cries of desperation as her eyes darted about, looking for…what? He didn't know, probably she didn't either. He stood over her, looking down on her powerless state. She really was a knock-out. Long blonde hair, probably dyed, but a professional job, not one of those home kits. Big eyes you could drown in if you weren't careful. She had these lips that had a natural pout that just made you want to reach out and… Not to mention she had tits to die for. Any guy would be a fool not to want her, Todd thought. He wondered again if he should just walk back out and forget he knew about any of this. A brother's problems with his girl were really his own to deal with.
Instead, he held out his hand to her. "Stay or go," he said, "but choose now." She stared at his open palm, not sure what to trust anymore. Was this a test? It would be just like Brett to send one of the brothers in here to see if she'd take the bait. It would be just like him. But, she really needed to get out of here. "We don't have much time," Todd said. He looked towards the door, thinking he heard the sound of footsteps. "Come on, come on. Stay or go? Which is it, princess?"
Despite her doubts, her instincts told her that any opportunity to get out of this room right now was the better choice. "Go," she said and took his hand. He pulled her up and they both moved into the hallway. Lisa started to move towards the back stairs, but Todd could hear the heavy sounds of Brett's boots coming back up and he pulled in the opposite direction towards his room. He pulled her inside and closed the door softly just as Brett crested the stairs. Lisa was suddenly terrified all over again. Yeah, she was out of Brett's line of fire but now she was at the mercy of Todd Manning. As Todd held her against the door in his room, his hand over her mouth to keep her quiet, she heard the click of lock on the door and felt his hot, whispered breath in her ear.
"Shhhhhh. Don't move. He's out there."
To be continued...
