The Florencia Lozano Homepage - Fan Fiction
| SOULMATES BY CAROL |
CHAPTER 57 |
chapter 57
He heard her words and understood her fears. They were real. His were real. It would be a long night. He breathed in deeply a few times, feeling the anxiety rising in him. He could feel her anxiety rising as well. He tried to pet her hair a few times, trying to calm the beast, to keep him inside for a while, allowing Tea to work through this.
Todd: It’s time.
Tea: Oh God.
Todd: You can do this.
Tea: What exactly do you think it is that I can do?
Todd: Tell me. Tell me what happened?
Tea: In the cabin?
Todd: I was referring to today at the beach. What freaked you out so much about that man? Did he remind you of Powell? Did he say something that made you think about him? Did he look like him?
Tea: What makes you think that what happened today had something to do with that?
Todd: This is me Tea. This is me. Nothing has happened in your life that would ever make you react like you did today, except that time with Powell.
Tea: You don’t know anything.
Todd: Maybe, but I do know that you’re stalling. What are you so afraid of?
Tea: (turning to face Todd) Look at me. I’m civil. I’m somewhat functional. Why can’t you just settle for this? I did. I settled for this much of you. Why can’t you just do this for me?
Todd: You never settled.
Tea: But why Todd? (pleading and almost crying) WHY?
Todd: Because (his mind flashing to Marissa) just because and leave it at that.
Tea: Can you just leave it at that?
Todd: I have my reasons.
Tea: And I have mine.
Todd: But my reasons are better.
Tea: I doubt it.
Todd: So we’re back to trust.
Tea: This has nothing to do with trust. Trust will always be an ongoing issue for us, Todd. Something will ALWAYS enter your brain and be important enough for you to abuse my trust. You’ll even find a way to justify it. It’s who you are.
Todd: And what about you? What spooked you so bad today, Tea? What spooked you so badly that you can’t even talk about it? Come on, Delgado! You’re the great communicator. Nothing can usually shut you up.
Tea: I seem to recall you finding a way to shut me up.
Todd: I wanted you (hesitating) ahem, quiet then. Now I need you to talk.
Tea: About what?
Todd: Did Powell sneak up on you? Is that how he got you out of the cabin?
Tea: I’m not doing this. I’m not having this conversation.
Todd: Damn it, Tea! Yes you are.
Tea: (screaming) What do you want me to say? Fine. YES! He snuck up behind me. I was out on the front porch, my back was to you and you just came and grabbed me and knocked me out.
Todd: I did?
Tea: Yes, you did. No, he did. I mean…
Todd: Dear God, you were out on the porch, in your favorite chair and you thought it was me, coming up from behind you. Just like you thought that guy today was me.
Tea: I don’t know. Maybe.
Todd: When you thought it was me, were you happy? Were you happy thinking it was me behind you?
Tea: I trusted you. See, I did. I trusted you and you weren’t there. Where were you? Where were you, Todd?
Todd: I was right there, Tea. I was in our bed. Alone. All alone and without you.
Tea: I needed you and you weren’t there. That’s what I remember. That’s what I feel. Does that make YOU happy?
Todd: No.
Tea: I had waited so long to be with you Todd. I had waited too long to be with you. And look at the price. Look what it cost me? I lost EVERYTHING!
Todd: This hasn’t been a day at the beach for me either…unless you consider today a day at the beach, and in that case, this was a day at the beach.
Tea: You’re making no sense.
Todd: I’m making perfect sense. So what is your brain telling you, right now?
Tea: That I’m thinking too much and it hurts.
Todd: What hurts?
Tea: Thinking about him. Thinking about what happened all those years. All those terrible, terrible years. All those years I didn’t get to spend with you. I thought you were dead, Todd. DEAD! All those years I didn’t get to spend with Starr. (She hesitates as if something else is flashing in her head.) All those years filled with agony and pain. Do you want a blow by blow? Do you want to hear how he brutalized me? Do you want to see my scars? Do you want to hear that when I didn’t think he could find something that could reach far enough up inside me to hurt me anymore, he found something bigger and deeper and ground it inside me, laughing all the while I was bleeding and screaming? My hands bleeding from the ropes and the handcuffs as I struggled to free myself? The blood oozing all over my arms and burrowing into my fingernails, so deeply I couldn’t get it out? Do you want to hear that if I wasn’t orgasmic, he would continue until he was convinced I wasn’t faking? Do you want to see the bruises and scars so deep on the inside of my thighs that it hurts to walk? Do you want to hear how he forced himself in my mouth, grasping his thighs against my throat, uncaring if I could breath as he came down my throat? (Moving her face closer to his, her voice filled with hate and rage, loud in her proclamations) Any of this getting to you? Any of this making you think that it was like second chanceville for me while you were off doing God knows what with God knows who? Any of this turning you on, the way it turned your fellow rapist on? Any of this getting to you? Is it bringing back the beast that loves to control and manipulate women?
Todd: Enough. Enough! No more. Yes, I got the picture.
Tea: You don’t have a clue about the picture. You could never have done what you did and have a clue about what I’m feeling.
Todd: So that’s what this is all about. Finally! You’re true image of me surfaces.
Tea: You are what you are.
Todd: So that’s what you really think of me? You blame this all on me. This is ALL my fault? I have to shoulder ALL of this? The whole thing? Fine. Kill me Tea! Why don’t you just kill me too? Will I be enough? How many rapists do you have to kill before it will it make you forget? To move on with your life? Or is it just me? Do you think I made him do this to you? Do you think I turned him into this person? Do you think I’m just like him? Can’t you see how I’ve changed? Can’t you see that what he did and how he treated you is nothing like how I would treat you…how I did treat you?
Tea: I can’t do this. Why are you making me do this? I won’t do this anymore. I have to get out of here. (She runs out of the room and out the back door.)
Todd: Tea wait. (He chases after her.) Tea…..come back. (He follows her out into the back yard. He looks around the darkness, trying to see a shadow.) Tea. Answer me. Where are you?
Tea is still running toward the beach. She’s running out of control and not paying attention to where she’s running. She stumbles on something small out on the far end of their property. As she squints through the darkness, her eyes adjusting to the moonlight, she falls clumsily to the ground. She curses the object and holds her foot, applying pressure to the pain, wincing as she applies the pressure. “What the hell was that anyway?” she said aloud.
Starr: I think it was my flashlight, Tee, or maybe my night scope. Are you all right?
Tea: Starr. Is that you?
Starr: Yes.
Tea: What are you doing out here in the dark? Why were you hiding out here all alone?
Starr: I’m not hiding, I’m watching you and Daddy without you knowing and I’m not alone.
Todd runs up on the group, out of breath and calling Tea’s name. His eyes catch with Starr’s, he flashes back to Tea. Tea is looking at him, then flashes back to Starr.
Tea: You’re not alone? Who is here with you?
Marissa: (Popping out from Tea’s left side) I am mommy.
Tea leaps to her feet unsure of who is talking. Tea’s eyes flash to the sound of the voice. She stares down at the little girl who is smiling so big because she’s so happy to see her mommy and finally being able to talk to her. Tea falls to her knees, glancing up at Todd with a puzzled look on her face. She looks back at the little girl and then holds her head in her hands.
Tea: Todd, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. Make it stop. Make it stop. It hurts.
Todd bends down beside Tea, reassuringly taking both of his hands and placing them on her shoulders. She’s rocking forward and backward, insisting that he stop her pain. He tries to comfort her, but he can tell that the feelings she’s experiencing are devastating. She’s crumbling inside and her body is going limp between his strong, stalwart hands. All of a sudden, she falls back into his arms, unconscious at the overpowering emotions that have shut her brain down. It truly was more than she could handle. He scoops her up, energetically and takes her back toward the house.
Marissa bursts into tears. She, too, is overcome with intense feelings. She’s confused and sad and doesn’t understand why her mommy doesn’t want her or love her. Todd turns toward the sound of Marissa’s tears, clearly his arms already full, his heart, compellingly crowded, but his mind still knows she needs comfort.
Todd: (softly into the dark) Starr?
Starr: (sarcastically speaking to Todd) I’m on top of it Dad. (To Marissa) Come on kid. We’re going home. (She takes Marissa’s hand.)
Marissa: I want my mommy. (Sadly heading off toward the house she had been sharing with Starr, Moose, Judith and now Sam, Marissa holds her head down. Starr jerks her hand the other direction. She looks up, toward Starr, hope filling her eyes.)
Starr: Hey kid! Daddy said we’re going home. That’s this way. (She pulls Marissa toward the blue house and before long, she is running, now pulling Starr’s hand, dragging her to the back entrance of the blue house.)
Todd smiles inwardly, one crisis avoided. He looks down at Tea, her head flopped over his arm, the blood rushing toward her brain. He tries to put more support behind her neck. He can feel the muscles in his arm tensing, flexing. He pulls her upper body closer to his chest, nuzzling his face in her neck, holding her tight. He never meant to hurt her. He never meant for any of this to hurt her. He wanted her to have a good few first days.
He knows that Tea will be all right, physically, but he’s not sure how much more she can take mentally. He had hoped that they could get through today, just today, without any reminders. Just getting through the day was something he knew how to do. And he thought he could share that part of his protective wall with Tea. But instead of protecting her from her memories, he has filled her day with them. The incident at the beach had been plenty. But now? Marissa? Poor little Marissa. Even though Marissa was his top priority in Tea’s recovery, he wasn’t going to just spring her on Tea out in the dark. He knew it would take a few days. He wasn’t prepared for either of these things today. He felt he was making a mess out of everything.
He called out for Starr to open the door and he entered the house, Tea still close in his arms. He pointed with his head for the girls to remove the pillows from the sofa in the parlor. The girls complied and he laid Tea out on it. He sat on the floor below, grabbing first a pillow to put under her head, then another, larger one, to elevate her feet. If years of abuse had taught him nothing else, he knew that elevation and cold compresses were the remedies to fix most injuries. He had certainly sustained enough head injuries during his times with Peter. And most times, he found himself alone and self-diagnosing, self-treating. He didn’t want to leave Tea’s side. He wasn’t sure he could get through this, but he knew one thing for sure. Tea would not be going through this alone.
Todd: Starr! Go into the bathroom closet down the hall and get a small towel for me to put on Tea’s forehead. Wet it with a little cold water.
Marissa: I’ll go. I’ll get it for mommy.
Starr: No, he asked ME to do it.
Marissa and Starr both ran for the bathroom. Todd could hear the girls knocking things over and basically making a mess.
Marissa: I can reach it. Move.
Starr: Move out of the way, Shorty. This is my job.
Marissa: Don't call me Shorty. That’s your name, not mine.
Starr: Doesn’t matter. It fits. I said, MOVE out of my way.
Todd can hear little feet running toward him. Marissa jumps into his arms as he sits beside her mom on the floor. Todd doesn’t really know how to react. His concern and his emotions can only handle one thing at a time and right now he is focused on Tea. But just like her mom, Marissa demands attention when she needs it and will settle for nothing less. The more he thinks about it, the more that trait seems just like him. He watched as she curled up like a wounded kitten, grasping her arms around his mid section, looking up at him with sad, tear-filled eyes. His instincts are to surround her with his arms, surround her with his comfort and surround her with his love. His head, still fights this urging, knowing full well there’s only a finite amount of love in him and struggles with spreading it too thin. If he gives in to Marissa, what will he do when he needs that source for Tea? Could he possibly share? Could he possibly share himself with both of them? He gives in to his instincts, overpowering as they were and wraps his arms around Marissa. Starr comes back in the room.
Todd: Stop your crying. Everything’s going to be just fine.
Starr: (Interrupting) Here you go Daddy. This is for Tee. (She hands him the dampened washcloth.)
Marissa: (speaking through her tears) Can I do it?
Todd: If you stop crying.
Marissa settles down and wipes her tears and her nose on Todd’s shirt. She removes the remaining tears from her eyes with her hands and then proceeds to wipe her hands on the sleeves of his shirt. He helps her stand back up, beside her mom. She gently places the cloth on Tea’s forehead, gently moving it back and forth, moving her mommy’s hair out of the way with each gentle brushing. She finally places the cloth still on her mom’s forehead, softly patting it into place.
Marissa: You’ll be all better now, mommy.
Todd: You’re very good at this.
Marissa: I’ve done this lots of times for mommy. And she will get better.
Todd’s heart falls out of his chest. How can this small Short Cake know so much about doctoring Tea, unless she had done it before? The thoughts going through his head are crushingly similar to the way he felt in the cabana when he told Sam about his fourteenth birthday. He knows the signs. He knows the feelings. He flashed to Tea’s brutal memories of her attacker. He flashed to this innocent child. He wants to kill Powell all over again. All he can do is sit beside Tea, watching her mind deal with whatever it is she’s having to deal with, praying that she will come out of this, in one piece, all the while, holding her hand.
To be continued…
2001 Copyright by Carol
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