I think I heard about a thousand times or more
Don't you bother wasting time
You're telling me you're so much better than before
But I find it hard believing
Until you prove me wrong

“And to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?” I asked sarcastically as I opened the door. I hated myself for the way my heart beat still sped up just a tiny bit at the sight of him. How long was it fucking going to take before he was out of my life for good? It’s been over seven years, and still it’s there. Not hanging all around me and pulling me down as it had been for a while, but still…it lingered. My love for him still lived in the back of my heart. My stubborn nature was unwilling to let it go completely.

But enough of that. Here he is standing on my front porch, dripping wet from the mean thunderstorm that had just blown up. I haven’t seen him in almost eight months; haven’t spoken to him in almost five. The last time he had called me it had been to ask if I had wanted to come to his son’s third birthday party. I told him no. Didn’t give him a reason, just said no and hung up the phone. Yeah, yeah, I know I’ve said myself that it’s been seven years and you’d think seven years would be enough to make the hurt go away, but it isn’t. Not completely. Feeling badly, the next day I had sent little Brandon a card and some oversized toy. I hadn’t been able to help hope that his son would like my present better than any he had received from his own parents. I truly loved his child…I’d love anything that was part of him. But seeing him and his wife and his family together at their child’s birthday party would’ve been too painful.

“We got a divorce,” he answered flatly, not bothering to wipe away the drops of water that fell from his soaking wet hair onto his face. I just nodded my head and motioned him inside, not believing him for a second. He stopped in the hallway, watching me as I shut the door. “You can go upstairs,” I said, sounding uninterested, but curious as to why he was really here. “The normal room?” He asked, his voice flat. I nodded and left him in the hall, heading back to the living room to finish my pizza and watch whatever was on television.

I heard him lug his suitcase upstairs and then the shower start to run minutes later. Images of him naked and soaking wet in the shower plagued me briefly before I forced them back, not wanting to let today end up like all those other times.

Last time…I think it was two years ago? Anyway, he had come to me, telling me he didn’t know how to handle being a father and that everything he did seemed to be wrong in his wife’s eyes. I had known better, but I had still let myself believe him. He had stayed for about three days during which time we had said about ten words to each other. We had been too busy fucking to talk. That’s all he had wanted; he had missed fucking me…maybe not even me specifically. He had missed fucking another man. Well, she had called him at the end of three days and he was gone within hours of her phone call, thanking me and telling me he’d call when he got home. He never had.

When his shower stopped, I heard him moving around upstairs. I could see his every movement. I knew exactly what he was doing. He was wondering whether or not he should unpack anything. I mean after all, she’d be calling him in a few days, a week at the most, and then he’d just have to put it all back in his suitcase so he could run home, leaving me behind without a word or a care. I don’t mean to sound so cynical and so cruel, but it’s all true. And he had broken my heart way too badly for me not to want to drift at least a little bit away from him.

After he had made it clear that he was getting married and we couldn’t be together anymore, I had gone off alone to lick my wounds and heal my heart. I had done a pretty good job, or so I thought. Seeing him again had been hell, even as I had tried to be his friend again. So I let us drift apart, and part of me regretted that. Long before we had been lovers we had been best friends and that relationship had meant the world to me. Even now I missed the closeness we had once shared before everything had gotten too complicated. Before we had fallen in love.

But then his visits had started. Finally I had started to really put him behind me. I was happy again, not so moody and angry all the time. But then one day he had shown up unannounced and told me married life wasn’t as great as he had expected. It had only taken a few words and a few kisses for him to get me into bed. But then, the next day, he had left me. Apologizing for using me and promising it wouldn’t happen again. But that was the biggest lie of all. He came back several times and always I let him in. Let him into my house, into my bed, and back into my heart. What hurt the most was that I knew, each time he showed up on my doorstep that he was just there to use me again. Use me to feed his own desire he couldn’t get rid of. Being bisexual had not been in his plan for life, but I guess he figured it was safe for him to be with me to satisfy those urges. I guess it had been my own fault for believing in the first place that he had fallen as hard for me as I had for him. He had always said he loved me. But his actions had never lived up to those words.

If you really want my love
If I'm all you're dreaming of
You may find it tough
Cause words are not enough

I told myself that this time would be different. I wouldn’t let him seduce me; wouldn’t let his touch and his sweet words win me over. It’s been seven fucking years since we officially broke up; it’s time to put an end to this. I want him in my life, there’s no doubt about that. But I can’t keep doing this. I’ll take his friendship because I know he can’t give me more. Well, he can certainly give me sex…but he can’t give me what I truly want which is his love, his heart…just him.

I glanced up from the TV when I noticed him staring at me nervously from the hallway. For the first time since he had got here, I noticed how bad he looked. Tired, worn, sad…there were dark circles under his eyes. And his eyes, themselves, were dull and listless. Where were those sparkling baby blues? Where was that look of mischief, of planned seduction? I couldn’t find it.

“You want some pizza or something?” I asked softly, needing to break the silence that stood between us. He shook his head and left the room. I frowned, biting my lip and wondering what was going on. He came back, seconds later though with a can of Pepsi in hand though and sat down beside me. That was odd too…I mean, he sat down beside me, but nowhere near close enough to touch me. When he was ready to seduce me, he liked being close so he could start out with those seemingly innocent touches on my arms or thigh.

I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he stared blankly at the television screen, moving only once in a while to take a drink of his soda. Eventually after about a half hour of silence, I couldn’t stand it anymore and switched off the TV. I turned to face him and took a deep breath, knowing I was probably inviting my own heartache. Maybe this was a new way to seduce me…to stay silent until I couldn’t stand it anymore and then fall into his arms.

“Why are you here Brian?” I blurted out, looking into his eyes for the man that I had loved so much once, and seeing only sadness and pain instead. He set down his drink and looked away. For a few moments he said nothing, and I was beginning to wonder if maybe I was just supposed to attack him and get this damn pretense of seduction out of the way. Let’s face it; no matter how strong I would try to be, I’d always lose.

“I told you Nick,” he said softly, that horrible sound of pain still evident in his soft voice. “Leighanne and I got a divorce. It happened two months ago. I’ve been tied up in court since then, fighting her for alimony and for…custody.” His voice broke on the last word and I watched in shock as he dropped his head in his hands and started to cry. It struck me suddenly that maybe this wasn’t a game. That maybe, this time, he was telling me the truth. That maybe all he wanted was my friendship.

“Bri…did she—” “She took him away from me Nicky!” He wailed, looking up at me with the saddest, most empty expression I had ever seen. I recognized it well…that was the look I had on my face the day he told me we were over. But there was no time for me to wallow in seven-year-old self-pity. Not now…not when someone I still loved dearly, despite what he’d put me through, was hurting so badly. And this wasn’t about me at all…at least I hoped it wasn’t. Brian wouldn’t sink so low as to involve his son in his quest to get me into bed again? Would he?

“She told them I was bi…she told them about us…they gave her my Brandon!” His face crumpled into painful tears and he looked helpless, unable to bear the pain that was in his heart. Again…I knew that feeling all too well. A more sensible part of my mind told me not to, but my heart wanted to comfort him. I reached out and pulled his smaller body into my arms. Instantly he clung to me, burying his face and his tears in my neck and holding onto me tightly.

Chills ran through my body at the feel of him in my arms again. That happened every time and I hated it as much as I loved it. I thought about what he said, about what Leighanne had said in court. I wondered why the media hadn’t been all over that. Shouldn’t they have been calling me, asking me about my relationship with Brian? True, Backstreet was long over, but even so…shouldn’t Entertainment Tonight or some other desperate show looking for any story they could find be calling me for an interview? I mean it wouldn’t bother me. I came out of the closet publicly months after the group ended, and that was five years ago. And if Leighanne had not only told them about his sexuality, but about our relationship, then why hadn’t anyone called?

Maybe I’m just being vain…hoping that someone will remember me and put me back into the spotlight. Although I relished being out of it almost as much as I had loved being in it. But another idea, one that was much more hard to swallow, ran through my mind. Idiot Nick…there you go trusting this fucking bastard again. Nobody’s called because nobody knows. He didn’t really get a divorce. Leighanne never told anyone about us in court. She didn’t take his child away from him. That was the voice I believed.

I pulled back abruptly and forced him to look at me. “This is low Brian…even for you,” I started, my voice cold and angry. He cocked his head to the side and opened his mouth to ask a question but I silenced him. “If she told the court you were bi, the media would’ve gotten a hold of that. And if she told them that we were lovers, some cheap tabloid would’ve called me by now. I can’t believe you’d try and say you lost your son and fake all these tears just so you could get me into bed again. Well you can forget it. Not this time Frick,” I said, my voice dripping with fury and sarcasm on the last word.

I waited for him to deny it, to tell me I was wrong. I so desperately needed him to tell me I was wrong…that he wouldn’t go this far. He nodded sadly and ran his hands through his hair. “I knew there was a chance you wouldn’t believe me,” he said softly, looking down at the floor. “I can’t blame you after everything I’ve done to you…but it really is true Nick. You can call my parents if you don’t believe me. My mother’s probably still trying to convince my father that they did nothing wrong in raising me…even if I do like men as much as women. She’s also probably still crying over the loss of her grandchild.” He dropped his head in his hands again as his voice began to shake. “All my fault,” he mumbled through fresh tears. “I put them through hell…all my fault,” he repeated sadly.

“Why did you come here?” I asked again after a few moments of watching him cry. I had never seen him like this before and as much as I didn’t trust him, I believed him now. He looked up at me, his eyes shining with tears and smiled softly. “You’d never believe me,” he said sadly. “Never in a million years…that’s all my fault too.” Confused, I sat down in a chair across from him, unwilling still to get too close. “Try me Brian,” I said softly, needing to know his reasoning.

He wiped his eyes and ran his hands through those soft curls that my own hands were itching to touch. “Because I love you.” I stared, dumbfounded, wondering when I’d stumbled into another dimension. Maybe this was like the Twilight Zone and in a minute or two there’d be pulsating tongues in jars giving birth to baby tongues…. “What?” I finally squeaked, my voice cracking like a thirteen-year-old boy’s. I wanted to be angry with him. I knew that deep in his heart, he knew that I had never really fallen out of love with him; I had just pushed it away. And I had never thought him cruel enough to play with my emotions this way.

“See,” he said, that sad smile still on his face. “I said you wouldn’t believe me.” “You’re damn right I don’t fucking believe you!” I yelled, standing up, angry suddenly that he’d do this now, after so long. “For the past seven years you’ve done nothing but use me. Come to my house whenever you felt the need and pull me into your arms, telling me what had gone wrong between you and Leighanne. And every time I fell for it. I know that’s not your fault. It’s not your fault I was dumb enough to believe you, to think that somehow when you came to see me you wanted more than just sex. But at least you never tried this shit before. You don’t love me!” I yelled, even as my heart begged for him to be telling the truth. Just this time Bri…tell me those words are true. “I don’t think you ever did,” I finished quietly, turning away and looking out the window, unable to face him any longer.

“You’re wrong Nick,” I heard him whisper. I could feel his eyes on me and I wanted for him to continue. I was sure that at any second I’d feel him behind me, pressing into my back and wrapping his arms around my waist. And I was scared by how much I found myself wanting that. But I had to protect my heart. I couldn’t let him hurt me again no matter how badly I wanted to believe what he was telling me.

“Nicky, you don’t have to say anything,” he said softly, sadly. “Just please listen to me…can you do that?” He asked. I squeezed my eyes shut when I heard his voice quiver. Clenching my fists at my sides I nodded, unable to speak for fear that the tears that were building would fall. I didn’t turn around…facing him would only make me weaker. As it was I was practically trembling because I was terrified that he’d tell me something sweet and then he’d rip my heart out again.

I wouldn't ever make the same mistake again
Don't wanna be nobody's fool
I wouldn't play the losing game
Where you can't win
There is nothing that I'm missing
So you better prove me wrong

“I remember the first time I told you I loved you,” he began softly, his voice somewhat lighter, remembering. “You were 17,” he continued. “We were tour and you and I had been sharing a tour bus.” I shut my eyes again, not bothering to wipe away the hot tears that were rolling down my cheeks. I really couldn’t believe that he had remembered…. “It had been a few months since we had started our little experiment…” He laughed softly. “You remember that, right?” I nodded, hoping he could see even though I still wasn’t facing him.

Our little experiment…. I had gone to him one day, nervous as hell, and suggested that the two of us should kiss each other…just to see what it was like to kiss another guy. Truthfully, I hadn’t been able to get the idea out of my head for a long time. I had pretty much figured out that I was gay by that time and I knew I was attracted to him. He had been shocked, but behind that I had been able to see his genuine curiosity. After that first kiss, we had decided to continue…to keep ‘experimenting.’ But we had been unable to keep our emotions from interfering.

“We were lying in your bunk,” he went on, rousing me from my memories. “We were all tangled up in each other, kissing…we pulled apart and I…” His voice trembled and I nearly sobbed out loud. I hugged myself tightly and squeezed my eyes shut. “I ran my hand through your hair and told you that I loved you…and then you said it back to me.” Suddenly I realized that he was standing right behind me. I spun around quickly and looked into his eyes. He was crying too. Automatically, I let his arms wrap around me and pull me into his warm embrace. “Brian…” I sobbed, not knowing what I wanted to say, just knowing that he was breaking my heart all over again.

He pulled me to the couch, never letting me out of his arms. Once we sat down I buried my head in his shoulder and held onto him tightly. “Shh, don’t cry Nicky,” he whispered soothingly, running his fingers through my hair. “We were so perfect together,” Brian went on softly. “But I got scared…and I was too weak to fight for you. So I broke your heart and married Leighanne.” “You h-hurt me so…bad,” I sobbed, practically choking on my tears. “I know,” he said softly, his voice full of pain. “I hate myself for that…even more so for the way I’ve been treating you for the last seven years.”

I said nothing, waiting for him to finally explain his cruel behavior. “I never stopped loving you,” he started softly, never stopping the soothing movements of his fingers in my hair. “Believe me, I tried. But no matter what I did, my love for you wouldn’t go away.” I raised my head from his shoulder and looked into his eyes. “If you still loved me then why did you…Brian why…” “Why did I keep using you?” He asked bitterly, completing my thought. I nodded, biting down on my lip.

“Because the thought of never holding you again, never kissing you…loving you…I just couldn’t bear that.” “But you hurt me,” I whispered pitifully, once again nestling myself in his arms, unable to face his eyes. “I know Nicky and for that I can’t be sorry enough,” he said sadly, his arms tightening around me. “I was so weak,” he went on in a soft voice. “If I hadn’t been so afraid of what a true relationship with you would mean…well then everything would be different. But Nick,” he continued, pulling me up to look at him. “I should’ve let you go. Because I couldn’t commit myself to you completely, so I should’ve given you up and let you be free. But I was selfish.” He cupped my face in his hands and looked into my eyes, into my soul. “I needed you still and so I used you, hurt you over and over just so I didn’t have to give you up.”

For a few moments I could do nothing but stare back at him, reading his eyes for any lies that he may have told me. But this time, all I saw was truth. I saw the Brian I had met at age 13 and fallen in love with at 17. The Brian who had always been honest with me, who had never hurt me. “I still love you, you know,” I said softly, watching those eyes soften and water at my words.

“Why?” He asked softly, sounding confused. “I don’t deserve it…I never did.” I shrugged and forced a small smile. “Maybe, maybe not. But I do still love you…I just don’t like you anymore. And I don’t trust you…at all.” I lay back down in his arms again, feeling safe there despite what I had just told him.

We lay there in each other’s arms for at least an hour doing nothing, saying nothing, just reveling in the other’s presence. Sadly, I had figured out exactly why he had come to me this time. But I couldn’t give him that. The truth was that no matter how badly I wanted to believe everything he had told me, I just couldn’t. He had lost my trust and hurt me too many times.

“Bri?” I whispered, still comfortable in his arms. “Yeah Nick?” “You came here to see if I’d take you back, didn’t you?” I asked softly, my voice soft and sorrowful. I looked up into his eyes and he nodded. “I know I have no right to ask…but that’s what I want. Although I know it’s a very long shot.” I shut my eyes briefly, opening them to reveal tears again. “You’re too late,” I whispered, half of my heart screaming at me to take him back, the other knowing I’d wind up paying for it. “I can’t…Brian, I don’t…” He pressed his finger to my lips and shook his head sadly. “You don’t have to explain anything to me. I hadn’t really figured that you’d want me after all that I’ve done to you. Please…Nicky don’t cry,” he begged, reaching to wipe away my tears.

“You’ve shed enough tears over me and I don’t deserve that. I just want you to know that I’ll always be here for you…anytime you need me, ok?” I nodded; trying desperately to stop the tears that sill fell. Taking my face in his hands he leaned forward and kissed me softly. A sweet loving goodbye kiss, which I eagerly returned. I settled myself back into his arms again, resting my head on his chest. He reached up to the table behind him and turned off the lamp, grabbing the blanket off the back of the couch in the process and covering both of us with it. Just before we fell asleep I whispered to him, “Bri…I don’t trust you, I don’t trust your words. But if you could show me…prove to me somehow that what you say is true…I’d take you back then.” He said nothing in response, but I felt his arms squeeze me tighter and his lips kiss my hair.

I woke up late, discovering what I had expected. He was gone again. The pain in my heart was worse than any of the previous times. And I knew why too. It was because of what had happened last night. He hadn’t just come to me, looking for comfort and sex. No, this time he had come looking for love. When I finally decided to get up, I was surprised to see a note with my name on it on the floor next to the couch.

Nicky,

I’m going to do it. You’ll see…I’ll prove to you that I truly do love you. I don’t know how and I don’t know when, but someday I’ll win back your trust, and maybe if I’m not too late, your love. But don’t wait on account of that, please. Find someone who makes you happy, who makes you smile that beautiful smile of yours. Don’t wait for me Nick. You deserve so much more than I ever gave you.

Right now I have to try my hardest to get Brandon back. I love him so much Nicky and I miss him terribly. But if you need me, for anything, please call me. If I never have your love again, I’ll settle for your friendship. Maybe someday, you can give me that. I’ll always love you Nick.

Brian

I smiled through my tears and ran my finger over his signature. I liked his promise that he’d do something to show me how much he loved me, but I didn’t believe it for a second. Right now I was really only hoping for two things. I hoped with all of my heart that we could be friends again. Unfortunately, I knew that we could never have the friendship we once had…too much had happened to make that impossible. I also wished that he was able to get his son back. From what I had been able to tell, Brian had always been the better parent. Brandon had always seemed to be some sort of trophy to Leighanne, something she could say she had.

You know it ain't easy
To find a new way
After everything that we've been through
So come on and please me
And show that I'm wrong
Let me see you bring the best out of you

A few months passed and I didn’t hear from Brian once. A small part of me was crushed, because that part had believed that he would indeed do as he had promised. That he would find a way to prove his love. But most of me had expected this. Somewhere along the line, Brian had changed from the sweet man who had been my best friend into someone I no longer knew. Even if he hadn’t been able to find anything to show me his love, the old Brian would’ve at least kept in touch with me. But then again…I was probably being a little bit selfish. He was probably tied up in courts, trying to get his son back.

A few more weeks passed, and still no word from Brian. It was then I decided to give up. I needed to get out of my house and have some fun. It’s not as if I hadn’t gone out and partied in the last seven years. No, I had been pining away from him, but I did leave my house. But it had been very seldom in the last few months, because I had been hoping for him to come back. As I was getting ready to leave one Thursday evening, I heard my doorbell. My heart skipped a beat, but I quickly repressed any hope I might have felt, not wanting to be disappointed.

I answered the door in surprise, finding an official looking man in a suit and tie. He said his name was Eric Khismar, and he was an attorney representing a Mr. Brian Littrell. That got my attention quickly and I invited him in, trying to think of a place we could go that wasn’t a complete mess. I settled on the dining room and nervously asked him if he wanted anything to drink. He declined and asked me to sit down.

“Mr. Carter, my client has recently won a court battle against his ex-wife, gaining full custody of his son, Brandon.” I smiled brightly. “He did?! That’s fantastic!” He smiled back at me warmly and nodded. “The ex Mrs. Littrell was found to be negligent and in the eyes of the court, unworthy to raise her son. Personally, I don’t think she was too upset about losing the child. I think she was more upset about losing to Brian.” I smiled back at him, both of us silently agreeing that we didn’t think much of Leighanne.

“Anyway, you’re probably wondering why I’m here,” he went on. I nodded. “Brian wants two things from you, if you’d be willing.” I ran my hand through my hair nervously, wondering what Brian could possibly want from me now, and why it required sending a lawyer. “He wants to list you as an official guardian of Brandon, in the event that something would happen to him, providing you’d be willing.” I said nothing, my heart beating wildly in my chest, and I knew that Brian’s lawyer wasn’t finished with whatever else he had to say. “And,” he went on. “He wants to go through the proceedings of making you a second parent to his son. In other words, Brian would technically retain full custody, but you would also be listed as the child’s parent. Sort of like an adoption.”

Still, I couldn’t say a word. I bit down on my lip to keep from sobbing and could only try to keep my tears from falling. He had done it. He had truly done it. Brian had found something…he had done something to prove his love for me. Eric smiled at me as I hastily wiped away my tears. “Brian said you might react this way,” he said softly, his eyes kind and sympathetic. I laughed through my tears and took a deep breath. “The answer is yes,” I said firmly, when I had managed to control my voice. “To both things,” I added softly, smiling at Brian’s lawyer. “I just wish that he were here to….”

“Nick,” Brian said softly, his eyes bright with love as he stood in the hallway looking in on us. “I’m right here.” My eyes stayed locked with his as I stood up slowly and crossed the room to where he stood. Without a word I took him in my arms, burying my head in the crook of his neck and holding him tightly. He returned my embrace eagerly, running his hands up and down my back. We pulled apart and I nodded, smiling at him. “I love you,” I whispered. “I love you and I’ll take you back,” I added softly.

His smile was bright as were his eyes. He reached up and brushed a stray lock of hair out of my eyes. “I love you too Nick. And I realize that it still may take you some time to trust me again, but I’ll work for that trust everyday, and I’ll stay with you for as long as you’ll have me.” “Forever,” I whispered. We stared into one another’s blue eyes for a few moments, saying nothing, forgetting everything else. Finally Eric interrupted us with a cough to which we both turned around. I proceeded to sign all the appropriate papers, making Brandon my son too, marveling that Eric didn’t seem to care about our relationship. It was nice to know that some people could be so open-minded.

When he left, about a half hour later, Brian smiled at me, and took my hand in his. He led me to the back of my house out onto my balcony that overlooked the ocean. The moon brightly illuminated the nighttime sky, making the sea look almost silver. “I wanted him to be yours too because I want us to be together forever,” he said softly, his hand reaching out for mine. I swallowed the lump in my throat and squeezed his hand. “Where is Brandon now?” I asked softly. “With my parents,” he replied. “They wanted to give me some time alone with you before we bring him here.” “And they’re ok with this?” I asked, somewhat surprised. Brian nodded, his bright smile once again lighting up his face. “I never thought they would be when I explained what I was planning on doing, but they accepted it openly. My mom told me that she had always thought I was happiest with you. And my dad…well he was a little upset at first, but basically he’s just glad to have his grandchild back, and he wants me to be happy.”

I took him into my arms again, and he wound his arms around my waist. We looked out at the nighttime ocean, reveling in one another’s embrace. “I had lost all hope for a while Bri,” I said softly. “I didn’t think you’d ever come back.” He looked up into my eyes and cupped my cheek in his hand. “I’ve always loved you Nicky. This time, though, it’ll be forever, and I’ll face anything for you. We’ll do it together.” I leaned down and kissed him softly, pressing my lips against his own and tangling my fingers in his curls. “I love you,” I whispered softly against his mouth, resting my forehead against his own. “I love you too,” he replied. “I always will.” We kissed once more, melting into each other, realizing that we had finally found our happiness…together.

Song used, "Words Are Not Enough" by Steps

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