It’s the things that you do
So physical
It’s the things that you say
So flammable
You know I can’t resist
Boy it’s such a shame
Do you belong to another?
I don’t wanna hurt nobody
But my heart just can’t hold back
Well that’s just great. Fantastic. Here I sit at another lonely table, while I watch him get his groove on with every possible person in sight. Of course I can’t blame them for being attracted to him and all, but still, I wish they’d stay the hell away. I wish they’d stay away and I wish I had enough balls to tell him how I feel. But every time I think I should, or that I think there might be a chance that he would feel the same way, something stops me. I don’t know how to tell him, to do it right and not sound like an idiot. After all it would probably be the most important thing I ever told him so I don’t wanna screw it up. I love you. There, I can say it in my head; so why is it so hard to say out loud?
Eight months ago he was inconsolable. Frankly, he had scared me a little bit. After all, I was always the pain-in-the-ass, moody one. He was the happy-go-lucky, optimist. But when Nick broke Howie’s heart, I thought he might never get over it. I’ll never forget that day I took him back to my house, broken hearted and lonely. Typical selfish bastard that he is, Nick hadn’t even noticed Howie’s distress. All he had been able to see was Brian. Now, honestly, I can’t say I wasn’t happy for the two of them. I mean, I wouldn’t wish either one of them on anyone else. For some reason, they both seem able to put up with the other. It’s been like that since we all met. But I just wish Nick and Brian’s happiness wouldn’t have been at the expense of Howie’s.
Seeing them together so bubbly and in love had broken his fragile heart. My heart still aches when I remember the sight of him in the parking lot that day. One more look at the two of them, so wrapped up in each other, and his will had broken.
Granted, when I had moved to LA, Howie and I had drifted apart somewhat, not seeing each other as often as before. We had kept in touch weekly if not more often over the phone, but I hadn’t known about him and Nick until that day. I guess it was partly my fault, partly his. I was seeing someone else who took up all or most of my attention, and the two of us weren’t keeping in touch quite as often. And, from what he has told me, it’s not as if his relationship with Nick lasted very long.
But that day at the meeting when Brian and Nick had come into that room all smiles and giggles, I had watched Howie closely. Even before that, something had seemed different with him, he had seemed sadder, very unlike his normal self. And when he had laid eyes on the happy couple, I was able to see his heart break.
After I had taken him home and let him cry on my shoulder for a while, he had told me everything. How when Brian wouldn’t take Nick back, Nick had turned to him. How he had figured out that Nick was only using him and it had broken his heart, but he had been unable to give him up until Nick had left. And how he had fallen so fast and so hard for our younger friend. My first instinct had been to call up Frick and Frack and bitch them both out for being so cruel and insensitive, but Howie had pleaded with me to just let it go. Sadly, he had already known that he didn’t stand a chance with Nick as long as Brian was in his life.
For a while he had been so down and so sad, but eventually things started to turn around. I insisted that he stay with me for a while, not wanting him to be alone while there was a chance that he could still be upset. I was just playing the caring best friend…but I can’t help but wonder if even then I wasn’t doing it just to keep him near me.
This love that I feel, that has suddenly consumed my heart and soul didn’t start until I realized Howie was indeed over Nick. During the four months I let him live in my house a lot happened between us. We became closer again. Back to the days when our friendship was almost as close, but definitely not as ‘strange’ as Brian and Nick’s. Surprisingly, we both found how much we had missed it. Besides that, we just became used to each other’s company. Knowing he was there when I came home was always such a comfort. But I didn’t realize just how much I had grown accustomed to his presence until my girlfriend accused me of spending more time with Howie than with her. It hadn’t been a great loss. I let her walk out and didn’t try to stop her. She’s an amazing person, but by that time, I think I was already in the process of denying my burgeoning feelings for my best friend.
One day I just woke up and realized what had happened. I was in love with him. With Howie. My best friend! The one person who had always been there for me besides, well my mom. The one who used to be my voice of reason whenever I wanted to do something crazy. The one who stuck with me through all my troubled times. The one who hid my problem with alcohol from everyone else until he couldn’t stand to see me hurt myself anymore.
I had hated him then for telling the other guys and my own mother that I had needed help. But now, when I wonder what I would’ve done if he hadn’t cared enough to intervene, I shudder at the thought. Yes, others cared for me, loved me, wanted to help me…but they couldn’t reach me. It wasn’t until Howie came to my room a morning after seeing me as high as a kite and begged me to get help that I had taken a good look at what I had become. He had cried. Someone had actually cared for me enough to cry for me.
I had brushed him off just as I had everyone else until I saw his tears. His big brown eyes full of tears for me. His voice had trembled when he had asked me why I was so intent on hurting myself. If I knew how much I was hurting him by doing that. In the back of my mind I guess I had, and that was killing me. Even back then, when he was truly just my best friend, it had killed me to know that something I had done had caused him pain. It hadn’t happened right away, but from that point on, every time I took a drink or did a line of coke, I couldn’t push the image of Howie’s sad eyes out of my head, and eventually it was that image that led me to get help. I never told him that. Maybe I should….
It’s the way you make me feel
The way that you make me feel
Spinning my heart around
Tell me, how can I walk away
I don’t care what they say
I’m loving you anyway
It’s the way you make me feel
So now, here I am in Florida, staying with Howie, and we’re out for the night at his club, Tabu. I hadn’t wanted to come. Don’t get me wrong, I still love going out and all, but I wanted him all to myself. Eventually, he broke away from the girls he was dancing with and came back upstairs to join me. “Aje, come dance with us?” He asked sweetly, his smile making it hard to say no. His looks making it too hard to resist. I loved the way his hair was cut these days. Short and semi-curly…my fingers itched to run through it. I’ll bet it’s so soft and silky and…stop it!
I nodded and he smiled brightly, making my knees go weak. Next thing I knew my hand was in his and he was pulling me out onto the dance floor. He rejoined the brunette he had been dancing with, leaving me the pretty blonde who had also been at his side. But I only had eyes for him even as I pulled her into my arms to dance. I pulled her close to me and watched him dance, barely paying attention to the girl in my embrace. I was mesmerized. As I moved absently with the music, all I could see was Howie. I watched him smile and laugh with his dance partner, watched him pull her tightly against himself…it was killing me. And I would’ve done the same thing with my own dance partner if I had thought for a second that it would make him jealous. But I knew that wouldn’t happen.
The last straw came when he kissed her. She threw her arms around his neck and pulled him closer. Willingly, he leaned in for the kiss, wrapping his arms further around her waist. I had to get away. It hurt too much. I pulled away from the blonde I was dancing with and apologized to her, telling her I had to leave. My heartache must have been obvious because her eyes were kind and seemingly understanding.
Blindly I made my way back upstairs, hating the fact that I was so vulnerable. He hadn’t done anything wrong, he was just having a good time, and I know he had no idea how badly he’d hurt me. Why should he? It’s not as if I’ve ever had enough courage to admit my feelings. I dropped down into the chair at our table, staring straight ahead at nothing. No, not at nothing…at something. Something I shouldn’t. Frustrated and anxious I stood back up and made my way to the stairs. I had to leave now before I did something horribly stupid.
“AJ! AJ wait!” I heard Howie’s voice behind me but I couldn’t turn around, couldn’t face him…not after what I had just wanted to do. I pushed open the door to the back stairs, leaving the loud music and, more importantly, the alcohol behind me. I slowed my pace, not hearing his voice behind me anymore. Dejectedly, I walked slowly down the stairs, both upset and happy that he hadn’t come after me. Happy because I didn’t know if I could face him yet. Upset because I wanted him to find me and comfort me.
“Alex?” I froze. Lost in my thoughts, I hadn’t heard him behind me. He sounded worried, his voice soft and soothing nonetheless. “Alex, what’s wrong?” I couldn’t turn around, couldn’t answer him. I suddenly realized I had tears in my eyes. This was too hard; I needed him to know how I felt, but, still, I hesitated. These feelings were more real and more powerful than any I’d ever felt before and I was scared of rejection. He put his hand on my shoulder and slowly turned me to face him. I looked at him through my tears, wishing that I had my sunglasses. I needed to hide behind them.
“Will you please tell me what’s wrong?” Howie asked, that sweet voice of his full of worry. I shook my head and lowered my eyes. “I can’t,” I whispered pitifully, not knowing what to tell him. “Alex?” He asked again softly, tipping my chin up with his soft fingers. Cursing myself for the fear and worry I saw in his eyes, I tried to look away. “No, look at me…please,” he pleaded softly, concern evident in his brown eyes.
“Howie, I—” “Alex,” he said again, more firmly this time. “Don’t shut me out again. Tell me what’s the matter. I know you hate admitting when something’s bothering you, but Alex, you know me…let me help you please.” I knew exactly what he expected me to say. But alcohol was not my biggest problem right now. He was.
“Something’s been bothering you for a while now, but I let it go because I didn’t want you to think that I don’t trust you,” he went on when I said nothing. “But now I’m worried because that look…Alex, that look is back in your eyes,” he whispered. I didn’t know what he was talking about. “What look?”
He looked away and then quickly back at me. “That haunted look,” he said softly. “No one else ever saw it before but me,” he continued, his eyes never leaving mine. I felt my heart beat speed up; his soft voice and the proximity of his body to mine were making it harder to breathe. He reached out, cupping my cheek in his warm hand and sending shivers down my spine. “Alex, please,” he repeated softly, his thumb caressing my cheek. “What is it?” I couldn’t look away, couldn’t move, and before I knew what I was doing I kissed him.
I took his face in my hands, my fingers brushing his soft, silky hair and pressed my mouth to his. His lips were soft, warm…just as I had imagined. But I didn’t let it last long. I pulled away quickly as soon as I realized what I had done. Before I could run he grabbed my wrists, keeping my hands on his face, and stared at me questioningly. I looked into his eyes for anger, for disgust, but all I saw was curiosity.
“I love you,” I blurted out suddenly, watching those eyes widen in surprise. “And that,” I went on in a sad whisper. “Is what’s wrong.” He said nothing, probably too shocked to form any thoughts. I couldn’t be there any longer. With one last look into his eyes, I broke away and ran down the stairs, never stopping nor looking back. I had ruined everything. Our friendship, any chance I might have had…all ruined. I needed to leave and I needed to leave quickly. As soon as I got back to his house I planned on packing and heading straight back to LA. I couldn’t face him again.
I must’ve stood in that stairwell for a good ten minutes just staring after him and wondering how I had missed it. How could I have missed something so important? I had always been able to read Alex like a book, so how had I missed the fact that he was in love with me? When did this happen? Why hadn’t he said anything? I ran my hands through my hair and took a deep breath, wondering what to do next. I knew I had to talk to him and fast. Knowing Alex, he’s probably a mess right now, and if I’m right, he’ll run away. It’s not that he can’t or won’t confront his problems; it’s that he needs time to think about it and build his courage before he does it. But I didn’t want to wait; I needed to get to him now.
As quickly as I could I left Tabu and headed back to my house, praying that I wouldn’t be too late. As I drove home, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about his kiss. Over and over again, almost against my will, my mind replayed the memory of his soft lips on mine. I couldn’t deny that I wanted to relive that kiss…and I found myself wanting more. Where had this intense curiosity suddenly come from? He had always been my best friend; I never dreamed of wanting more from him. But now…one small kiss and the thought wouldn’t leave my mind. All sorts of pictures of the two of us together ran through my head with a dizzying speed. I pictured the face and the body I knew so well and found myself wanting to know it all differently.
Again, I wondered how I could’ve missed the fact that Alex had fallen in love with me. The answer hit me quite suddenly. Nick. The young blonde’s beautiful face suddenly flooded my mind, bringing back all the memories that came with it. No, it didn’t hurt anymore. I wasn’t harboring any hidden feelings for him. They were all truly in the past. With Alex’s help I had gotten over him. But for a long time Nick had been all I could think of. Had it even been love or just an intense fascination combined with undeniable lust? At the time, no one could have convinced me that I wasn’t really in love with him. But now I wasn’t so sure. Whatever the case, I realized now that I had been too involved with getting over Nick to see Alex falling for me.
I thought back again to Alex and the look in his eyes when he told me he loved me. How long had he known it? I knew something had been troubling him for quite some time, but I hadn’t bothered him about it because, like I told him, I didn’t want him to think I didn’t trust him. I had been waiting for him to tell me on his own.
He loves me… Again, those words gave me an intense rush of warmth that I didn’t quite understand. And what did I feel for Alex exactly? Ever since we met the two of us have been close. My protective nature caused me to watch over him. But it was so much more than that. He makes me laugh and he’s always surprising me with another facet to his personality that I had somehow missed before. Everyday with Alex is definitely different. He just makes me happy. And for him I knew that he felt safe with me because he knew I’d never criticize or hurt him. But as we grew up I watched his troubles become too much for him. I had been forced to watch him hurt himself over and over. I had known his drinking was becoming a problem but I hadn’t wanted to betray him so I told no one for a while. But when he had started using drugs I knew I had to intervene whether it cost me his friendship or not. Luckily, something had gotten through to him. I don’t know if it had been me or not, but whatever the reason, I had been so grateful when he had told us he was going to get help.
I smiled to myself as I pulled into the driveway at my home. There was a light on upstairs…coming from the room Alex had been using. He was still here. As quickly as I could I went inside and crept carefully upstairs. I knew that by now, he was probably a nervous wreck, anxious to leave before I would get home to confront him. But I’m not gonna let you run away this time Alex.
Slowly, I opened the door to his room, expecting to see him frantically throwing clothes into a suitcase. But the room was empty. I frowned, noting the suitcase on the bed, filled with only a few items. Alex was nowhere to be seen. I crossed the room to the open balcony windows and stepped out into the cool nighttime air. From there I gazed out onto the beach, looking at the beautiful moonlit water. And then I saw him. He was sitting in the sand several yards back from the waters edge. I took a moment to watch him unnoticed. His knees were bent and he leaned forward, resting his arms on them. Occasionally he’d scoop up a handful of sand and let it fall between his fingers.
I smiled as I watched him, again remembering the feel of his soft lips on mine. He looked so sad sitting there, alone. I wished that I…I realized suddenly that I wanted nothing more than for Alex to be happy. And, more importantly, I wanted to be the one that made him happy. I took a moment to think about where my thoughts were leading. Could it be?
I thought back to when I had been staying at his house…after Nick. His warm arms, his soothing voice…I don’t know how I would’ve gotten past my sadness without my best friend. That night…after that meeting where Brian and Nick had been so blatantly obvious about their love, I hadn’t been able to sleep. After spending the whole day sobbing on Alex’s shoulder, I hadn’t wanted to wake him and be any more of a pain. So I had gone downstairs and outside. I had climbed into the hammock that was hung on his deck and stared up at the nighttime sky. At the time, all I had been able to see was Nick, and that, once again, had brought tears to my eyes.
Alex had found me after about fifteen minutes. I had tried to cover up my tears but he had smiled sadly and shook his head. He had lay down next to me and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against himself and letting me cry. And even when I had finished crying, he hadn’t let me go. Just held me tightly and soothed me with his embrace.
I thought about his words to me in the stairwell again. I love you. The way his eyes had looked. His beautiful brown eyes…they were so dark and deep, those long lashes framing them perfectly. The sad, lost and hopeful look that had been there… Again, his kiss replayed itself in my mind. The way a jolt of electricity, an indescribable feeling had washed over me the second his lips had touched mine. I love you. His voice…that deep and raspy timbre….
I shivered and took a deep breath. I couldn’t have missed something so…important, could I? Failing to notice Alex falling for me was one thing. Failing to notice myself falling for Alex was quite another! Images and memories of him washed through me with an intense speed. Talking to him for hours at a time when we had been younger, sneaking out of some European hotel to get his first tattoo, holding his hand when he had realized that getting the tattoo was more painful than he had anticipated. Celebrating our first signs of success, partying with him, staying in on occasion and watching stupid movies all night in our hotel rooms. And more painful to think about, watching him unsuccessfully battle his insecurities and then start to self-destruct. How scared he had been when he had told me he had a serious problem, how grateful I had been to hear him admit to it. And then seeing him that day he had left rehab, changed, healed…my Alex again.
I’m gonna make you mine
It’s not impossible
Got to let you know
I’m irresistible
Baby, can’t you see
You’re the one for me
Do you belong to another
I don’t wanna hurt nobody
But my heart just can’t hold back
Somewhat dazed, I turned away from the balcony and walked downstairs and outside. As I made my way softly along the sand, I realized how peaceful I was. Had these feelings been in my heart all along? I smiled. Yes, I think they have. Because my happiest memories always involve Alex. That’s the way he makes me feel…safe, happy, loved. It’s all been so constant that I had never really stopped to think about what it meant. But I knew now. I couldn’t wait to tell him.
I couldn’t go through with it. I couldn’t leave. Running away wouldn’t solve anything. This was Howie…my best friend. I knew him well enough to know that even though my feelings weren’t reciprocated, he wouldn’t turn me away because I had them. But I was still scared. I didn’t want this to make things weird between us. I need his friendship way too much. Hopefully what I told him tonight at Tabu won’t fuck that up. That would be just my luck.
“Alex?” I sat up, dropping the small handful of sand that I held and bit down on my lip. He sounded nervous, anxious…oh God Howie, don’t hate me, please. “Can I sit down? I wanna talk to you….” I nodded, my heart beating wildly in my chest. He sat down next to me and I squeezed my eyes shut, reminding myself to breathe. “Alex, look at me please?” It took me a few minutes but I managed to gather my courage and turn towards him.
When I look into your eyes
Every time you smile at me
Oh I go weak inside
Baby I just can’t hide, my love
He smiled softly and my heart melted. I love the way his eyes lighten when he smiles, how his whole face smiles and not just his mouth. “You never let me answer you,” he whispered, his eyes full of some emotion I couldn’t identify. He looked a little bit nervous, but there was something else in his eyes that I couldn’t read. He always had been better at concealing his feelings than I had. Thus the need for sunglasses. Damn it, I wish I had a pair now!
“What do you mean?” I asked, finally finding my voice. “You told me that you loved me Alex, but you didn’t stay long enough for me to reply,” he went on softly. I was confused. “Reply?” He nodded and moved closer to me. I swallowed hard when his hand reached out to cup my cheek. “Howie, please…I….” I trailed off as he moved closer, his eyes bright with something I still couldn’t name. His other hand came up to the other side of my face and he ran his thumbs across my cheeks. Shivers ran through my entire body at his touch and I couldn’t look away from his big brown eyes.
Seconds later, he closed the gap between us and pressed his lips to my own. I sighed softly and let my hands come up to cover his own. I wanted to ask him why, because my mind couldn’t come up with one good reason as to why he would possibly be kissing me, but all I could focus on was the soft pressure of his lips on my own. I melted into the kiss as he took my bottom lip between his own and sucked it softly. I opened my mouth willingly when I felt his tongue seek entrance, sighing again as he found his way inside my mouth. My hands ran slowly from his hands down his arms. As they did he slid his fingers into my hair and around to the back of my neck, pulling me deeper into his kiss.
My head was spinning. I couldn’t believe this was happening; I didn’t want it to end…ever. His tongue had found my own and we explored each other’s mouths curiously, cautiously. He tasted so sweet, and I knew I’d be addicted to his taste for the rest of my life. The rest of my life…. Wait, why is he kissing me? I pulled back abruptly, instantly missing the feel of his mouth on mine.
But before I could ask why he pressed a finger to my lips and shook his head. “Alex, I love you too.” My heart stopped. I swear it did, for a few seconds, it stopped and all I could do was stare at him. “I didn’t even know,” he went on shyly, his hands still around my neck. “But I couldn’t get your words out of my head. As I drove back here all I could hear was you telling me that you loved me. I thought about everything else, about you, us…everything we’ve been through together. It all made sense finally. Being with you is when I’m happiest.” “Howie—” He shook his head and smiled. “I’m not just saying it to make you happy because I know it’s what you want to hear. And it’s not some spur of the moment thing Alex. True, I haven’t realized it until now, but…I think, maybe, that I’ve always been in love with you. And I want you to be happy…Alex, I love you. Let me make you happy.”
He was telling the truth; I could see it all right there in his eyes. I couldn’t believe it…from the second I had realized my feelings for him I thought that I would be unhappy forever because there was no way he would ever love me back. But now here he is, right in front of me, telling me that he loves me…. Oh my God, heloves me! Loves me! I smiled brightly, even as I felt tears fall from my eyes. “Howie, I…I love you too,” I whispered through my tears as I fell forward into his warm embrace.
His arms wound tightly around my back, pulling me close and making me feel safer than I ever had. We stayed that way for a long time, sitting in each other’s arms as the rest of the world disappeared. “Why did it take us so long to figure out?” Howie asked softly. “I have no idea,” I replied as I pulled back slightly to look into his eyes. I kissed him softly, slipping my tongue past his lips and into his warm mouth. He responded eagerly, sliding his hands into my hair again and pulling me deeper into the kiss. When we broke apart it was many long moments later. Breathing heavily, I leaned forward and rested my forehead against his own. “I love you,” I whispered softly. He smiled and ran his hands down my arms and linked our fingers. “I love you too Alex,” he replied in a soft, low voice.
I knew then, that I had ended my long search for happiness. Howie was my happiness, and so much more. My love, my guidance, my all. We stood up together and wrapped our arms around one another’s waists. In no hurry, we walked slowly back through the cool sand to his house, stopping every few steps to lean into one another and kiss. There was no rush; we had the rest of our lives.
It’s the way you make me feel
The way that you make me feel
Spinning my heart around
Tell me, how can I walk away
I don’t care what they say
I’m loving you anyway
It’s the way you make me feel
Song used, "It's the Way You Make Me Feel" by Steps