WHO is on First?

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Who is on first?

First let me say that I grew up with radio... today it is called old radio but in my day it was hot! We even would built a one-crystal radio set and use an empty cigar box for its housing. Yes, we would be glued to the radio listening to our favorite shows. These came to us courtesy of AFRTS (Armed Forces Radio Television Service) in the old Canal Zone. Here is a routine that still cracks me up every time I hear it... enjoy!

Who's on First?

(Sketch by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello)

Lou Costello: Hey Abbott.

Bud Abbott: What do you want Costello?

LOU: Look Abbott. I understand that you're going to be the manager of the Lou Costello Junior Youth Foundation baseball team.

BUD: Sure!

LOU: Well I'd like to play on the team myself, you know, I know something about baseball.

BUD: Well that can be accomplish...

LOU: Well I'd like to know some of the guys' names on the team, so that when I meet them on the street or in the ballpark, I'll be able to say hello to them.

BUD: Well surely I'll introduce you to the boys. But, you know strange as it may seem, they give these ballplayers, nowadays, very peculiar names.

LOU: You mean funny names?

BUD: Nicknames. Pet names. Like Dizzy Dean.....

LOU: Brother Daffy....

BUD: Daffy Dean......

LOU: I'm their French cousin,.....

BUD: French cousin?

LOU: Goofe'.

BUD: (singing) Take me out to the Ball game, Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and...

LOU: Peanuts! Popcorn! Get your Popper Jacks Here! Peanuts!

BUD: Sebastian! Sebastian, get over here. Pardon him folks. What do you think you're doing?

LOU: I wanted the people to feel like they were in the ballpark, because.... (grabs bat).... I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ballpark I'll be able to know those fellows?

BUD: All right. but you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean...

LOU: Not as peculiar as mine.... Sebastian Dimwitty

BUD: Oh Yes.

LOU: They got names funnier than mine? WOOOOOOOoooo(siren yell)

BUD: Oh Absolutely.... Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...

LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.

BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --

LOU: You know the fellows' names?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, then who's playing first?

BUD: Yes

LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The fellow playing first base for St. Louis.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first base.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Well, what are you asking me for?

BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.

LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?

BUD: That's the man's name!

LOU: That's who's name?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The first baseman.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?

BUD: Certainly.

LOU: Then who's playing first?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.

LOU: Who is?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So who gets it?

BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

LOU: Who's wife? BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.

LOU: Who does?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.

BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.

LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.

BUD: Well, don't change the players around.

LOU: I'm not changing nobody.

BUD: Now, take it easy.

LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?

BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.

LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.

LOU: How could I get on third base?

BUD: You mentioned his name.

LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

BUD: No, Who's playing first.

LOU: Stay off of first, will you?

BUD: Well what do you want me to do?

LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?

BUD: What's on second.

LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: He's on third.

LOU: There I go back on third again.

BUD: Well, I can't change their names.

LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base?

BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know?

LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base?

BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.

LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: THIRD BASE!

LOU: You got an outfield?

BUD: Oh, sure.

LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?

BUD: Oh, absolutely.

LOU: The left fielder's name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.

BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

LOU: Then tell me who's playing left field.

BUD: Who's playing first.

LOU: Stay out of the infield!

BUD: Then don't mention any of their names.

LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name in left field?

BUD: What is on second.

LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.

LOU: And the left fielder's name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: Because.

BUD: Oh he's Center Field.

LOU: (whimpers) Center field.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.

BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher?

LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: You don't want to tell me today?

BUD: I'm telling you, man.

LOU: Then go ahead.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: What time?

BUD: What time what?

LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on ---

LOU: I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"

BUD: Then why come up here and ask?

LOU: I want to know.... what's the pitcher's name?

BUD: What's on second.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD & LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!!

LOU: You gotta Catcher?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: The Catcher's name?

BUD: Today.

LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching?

BUD: Now you've got it.

LOU: That's all. St. Louis has a couple of days on their team?

BUD: Well I can't help that.

LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.

BUD: I know that.

LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.

BUD: Well I might arrange that.

LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good catcher; Tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!

BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.

LOU: Is to throw it to first base?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now who's got it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Who has it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Naturally?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: O.K.

BUD: Now you've got it.

LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base.

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: O.K.

BUD: All right.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don't, you throw it to Who.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.

LOU: That's what I said.

BUD: You did not.

LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.

BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base---

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: That's what I'm saying.

BUD: You're not saying that.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You throw it to Who!

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.

LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

BUD: Now don't get excited.

LOU: Who's getting excited?!! I throw the ball to first base---

BUD: Then Who gets it?

LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!

BUD: That's it. All right now... Take it easy.

LOU: Hrmmph.

BUD: Hrmmph.

LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.

BUD: Uh-huh.

LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.

BUD: Yeah. It could be.

LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn.

BUD: What did you say?

LOU: I said, "I don't give a darn."

BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!

LOU: ABBOTT!

Too Many Secrets

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Photo Credits: Author, Old Radio, Bill Fall, Montana, CZ and PCC Archives