The Old Review Column

The GIRAFFES - EP
Okay, so imagine a movie, one that your weird uncle has actually seen, and maybe he owns a copy of it on VHS that he bought at a video store that was going out of business back in 1989. The movie came out, say, in 1968. Maybe Roman Polanski directed it. It's a spaghetti western, but the heavy is actually the undead skeleton of a slain Mexican peyote kingpin who lives in abandoned garage. In the desert. Anyway, if that movie actually existed (and maybe it does), this EP is the soundtrack. The Giraffes return somewhat to their epic surf-rock origins, but keep their theatrical lyrical sense. Drew plays a mean accordian. Aaron looked like a late 19th Century congressman when they performed the set live. "On Lover's Lane" is both the hit and the epic, and will fit seamlessly into their future sets, if they got the nuts. Even if they don't, they've written and recorded the perfect disc to play when you finally spring for that piano-dancing bordello girl, then shoot her sleezy boyfriend and grab his gold.
Rating: 9.8
Have i listened to it since i reviewed it? Yes

The SPRAWL - (Demo)
I have no idea who The SPRAWL are, or where they're from. Someone must've given Josh this demo while at J.'s studio. So, i can say whatever i want about this band, without any fear of reprisals. Exciting! I'm listening to it right now, actually, and it's very mellow, Luna-like. I haven't paid much attention to the lyrics, but none of them have jutted out in any embarrassing fashion. The voices are smooth and the instrumentation (electric piano, simple drumming, echo-y guitar) goes down nicely. I bet they'd be good to see at Pete's Candy Store on a winter weekday evening. Wait, it just took a strange synth turn, and the lyrics just mentioned Taos, which is a very upscale arteest town in New Mexico. Huh, so they're not just a mellow band after all! Ah, i'm still digging it. Nice work, whoever you are.
Rating: Very Fine
Have i listened to it since i reviewed it? No

Booby Trap - (Demo)
Did it really take this long for there to be an all-girl named "Booby Trap?" And why don't they have show listings on their website? Anyway, i saw them a while back at a Hissyfits show, and i like them, even though they were a little rough around the edges (and were when this was recorded). We all know the all-girl band who have just started out, but write good songs and show promise. Hell, you probably meet one of those per year. You know the type, klutzy but melodic guitar twang, diffident drumming, all the songs are about 40 seconds too long, lots of good looking friends. But, if we're still talking about them by this summer, my bet is they'll be a great band; they're a good one now. Stay tuned ...
Rating: 34B
Have i listened to it since i reviewed it? No

DJ KAYSLAY - Player Hater Eliminator (bootleg mix tape)
Our paths cross again, Mr. KaySlay. You may recall the snowy Sunday when Slay and his crew were filming right outside on my little Freeman St. Anyway, he now re-enters my life in the form of this mixtape (i think it's c. 1999) of his i bought at the Greenpoint Salvation Army for 99 cents. And there's some really good stuff on here too (Jay-Z, Nas, Slick Rick). At least it sounds good to my white ears, even though the tape quality is really substandard and it sounds like it was recorded underwater. There's also freestyles where 4 guys rap over each other at once, but actually those are my favorites. Nonetheless, if Slay does break through, this thing is going straight on Ebay.
Rating: 40 oz.
Have i listened to it since i reviewed it? A shitload

MISHKA SHUBALY - So Long
Somewhere there's an alternate universe, and in that alternate universe there's an alternate Poland. And, in that alternate Poland, they still polka (otherwise it wouldn'be a Poland at all, no matter what sort of universe you are talking about). And they still imbibe plenty of sausages and brooskis, and all manors of hooch. And they dance merrily with their voluptuous corsetted wives. Only in that alternate universe, they don't use the music and earthly pleasures to escape the bleakness and poor weather and ennui of their environs (or am i starting to get confused with Greenpoint?) but instead use these things to embrace, in a very beautiful way, all these complicated and fitful feelings. Not wallowing of course, just accepting. So Long is the soundtrack to that celebration. One of these days, i'll stop being so blown away when a friend (or group of friends) makes such a good recording, or write songs as good as "Home" and "When I Was Young" on this EP. But, between So Long and that damn Giraffes EP, that day still seems a long way off. This thing is great.
Rating: GREAT
Have i listened to it since i reviewed it? Yes

The WASHINGTON SOCIAL CLUB - (Demo)
April Long gave me this CD, what, a year ago? So, they've probably already played on Letterman 6 times by now. But, still, a demo is a demo. Do you like Ted Leo? You'll probably like this too. Anthemic, smart, punky, probably fun live. You know, like Ted Leo.
Rating: 7/10ths of a full Ted
Have i listened to it since i reviewed it? No

The KING of FRANCE - (Demo)
So far this is going well, don't you think? Even the stuff i sounded half-dismissive of, i actually do like. But, we're running into the big brick wall here. I saw The KING of FRANCE play after the Vitamen at the Mercury Lounge a coupla weeks ago, and maybe the thing that bothered me about them the most (other than them sucking vigorously) was that *everyone* i talked to that evening A) assumed i loved them, and assumed that because 2) they thought the band sounded like Steely Dan! Harumph! I dare you to point out at what record in the Dan's career they sounded this cutesy/arch/twee/forced/gay. You know, like Jellyfish, or the Beatles. If you heard this CD without seeing them, you would rightly assume the singer makes pouty cutey faces when he sings. They don't have a bassist either, which offends me deeply. At least their keyboard player is talented enough to pull off his end of the deal, but for what? A band that should be writing "IKEA, the Musical." And here's the best part: written with Sharpie on the demo is a warning, "DO NOT COPY". No problem, boys!
Rating: The 2 of France

ARLENE GROCERY New York City Music Sampler
 Has anyone noticed that "eclectic" is actually a negative term? Because these days, eclecticism tends to connote badness that defies categorization, rather than badness with a clear origin. "Original" may be the positive term for the definition once associated with "eclectic." But, anyway, this eclectic collection of music was recorded at Arlene's Grocery, which equal parts good and bad news. The good: the sound at Arlene's is always terrific, even when the kick drum is way too loud (which it always is), and that has translated to a CD that sounds almost as good as all of these other demos i've listened to. The bad news of course, is that just as the club is responsible for the sound, they are also on the hook for the bands they book and now charge $7 nightly to see. Bands that all have one thing in common: their musical ambition seems to be to score big with a TV theme song. And i swear that i'm not upset that there's no COVER ME BADD track on here, even though there should be after playing there for free for 3 months. It's just that you shouldn't go into listening to such a thing without expecting a shitty rock gumbo, like an open-entry art show in Denver. Come back, LUXX, come back!
Rating: 70 minutes at the old Spiral
Have i listened to it since i reviewed it? No

SPIRAL JETTY - Begin Responsibilities

Spiral Jetty were/are a college rock band hailing from New Brunswick, NJ, growing up alongside such NJ bands as the Feelies, Yo La Tengo, The Smithereensand others. This CD is a compilation of material dating back to 1981 up to 1997. I'm surprised they weren't much bigger than they were, as there's something instantly recognizable about their sound, simple and tuneful, with melodic new-wavey bass lines, croony vocals, echo-ey guitars and Gang Of Four-ish drum beats. There are some very good tracks here (mostly the early stuff, of course), and very few "must-skips". Good music for '80s nostaligics who need new music to listen to. Whoever you are.
Rating: three stars

YES - House of Yes: Live at the House of Blues, etc. etc. etc.

The first and only thing I thought when I heard House of Yes of Blues, etc. etc. is “Why?” Obviously, the answer to that is “money”, but then I thought some more … people who don’t like Yes aren’t going to buy this, and won’t even know it exists. People who do like Yes will already realize what an inessential project it is - hopefully. So, who’s going to buy it? Who wants to hear their new stuff, anyway? How is a modern version of "Starship Trooper" going to sound even close to as good as the origianl? Where’s Bill Bruford? Who the hell is Igor Koroshev? Most of all, WHO CARES? I clearly don’t, and I like Yes - i even liked Drama, the record the guy from The Buggles sang on. Wasn't Anderson, Bruford, Wakeman and Howe supposed to kill off this whole franchise? Crap!
Rating: B+

COME ON - 1976-1980

NYC’s COME ON has a few strikes against it: 1) i’m pissed that they were called COME ON; 2) COME ON’s art-student-white-kid-nerd-funk is more than eerily reminiscent of Talking Heads; 3) their singer’s schitck is forced-sounding and he’s not that good. Late 70s New York City was obviously the time and place to be an art rocker; if Talking Heads were that scene’s Nirvana, then Come On were Stone Temple Pilots. It’s still pretty listenable, though - there’s a coupla great songs (“Mona Lisa”, “Housewives Play Tennis”, “Businessmen In Space”), good bass playing (of course) and, best of all, they broke up before encountering any sort of Brazilian music phase.
Rating: B

The MARTINETS - Love! Hate!

Jesse Fuchs got me this CD for xmas this year, as well as the aforementioned COME ON CD. The joke, you see, is that my old band was called COME ON now, and mine and Jesse's first band was called, you guessed it, The Martinets. Who was it that said there are no original ideas anymore? Anyway, this CD is also surprisingly good, especially if you miss The Replacements. The "famous" Martinet is former Ramones producer/co-songwriter Daniel Rey. I don't know what else to say about it really ... big guitar rock, i guess ... worth checking out ... ah, leave me alone ...
Rating: 8

K-Tel's Country Teardrops

Wow! Can you believe i got this for only $2? The cover was the most enticing thing about it, of course; the lady in the foreground solemnly drinking coffee out of an unusually clean-looking mug; the man in the background, looking slightly reminiscent of a long-haired Corey Feldman, an acoustic guitar slung over his back, wearing flared pants; the other coffeemug sitting at the table. Is he coming or going? Where? Is it morning or night? Is she upset because he’s leaving her to become a country music star? Didn't he like his coffee? Is he having an affair with that slut from the trailer park? Well, we never find out, because this record, a compilation of ‘70s country songs you’ve never heard of by artists you’ve never heard of, is pretty much unlistenable dreck, the kind of music that makes you want to drink mugs of Bud at some terrible redneck bar in the middle of nowhere, while simultaneously reminding you why you avoid doing stuff like that in the first place. "Corny" teardrops is more like it.
Rating: Yuck

Genesis - Trespass

The second of the two pre-Phil Collins Genesis records, recorded in (i think) 1970, and apparently the better one - surprisingly, as much as i loved Genesis when i was 15, i never got around to listening to their first. Anyway, when people say they hate Genesis, this isn’t the Genesis they’re talking about. However, when people say they hate prog-rock, well, here it is, baby! Sabbath-like acid rock at times, just plain fruity at other times, and overly theatrical and renaissence festival-y throughout. Songs about god, war and fighting factions of wolves, crummy singing, big bombastic guitar-and-bass solos, organ noodling, acoustic 12 string guitars, a f*ckin’ OBOE! Needless to say, every Polish metal kid in Greenpoint probably knows this record note for note. Not for the faint of heart (or much of anyone) although it *is* funny to listen to it and think that a mere 8 years later, they’d be doing "Follow You Follow Me."
Rating: 8, just because of "The Knife"

FREDDY D & The BOYS

I went to Pete’s Candy Store to see Jimmy Spoiler of COME ON (our COME ON) guest bass and sing Nancy Sinatra songs with a local chanteuse named Margarita (who's playing again at Brownie's in early April, and is really worth seeing). Anyway, i was hanging out afterward, and saw a stack of FREDDY D. CD's on one of the tables. I showed it to Jeff, and he, startled, tells me the story of Freddy D., who was for a while Jimmy's upstairs neighbor. I guess he would get really drunk by 1:30 in the afternoon and keep bugging James to “jam” with him on his harmonica. He would play a few crappy notes, to get the obligatory “that’s nice”, then whip out some amazing riffs. Sounds like an interesting fellow. Anyway, this is a very strange disc, especially after having heard that story. The sound of the whole thing sorta vascillates between Dave Matthews and Depeche Mode, recorded at one of those cheesy mall recording studios in the late 80s. Lots of over-mixed synthesizers, too-professional blues guitar and brittle-sounding “house flavor” re-mixes, things like that. Nonetheless, i still managed to listen to the whole thing without turning it off. It's a good disc to torture your irony-loving friends with, anyway. But not a note of harmonica to be heard.
Rating: None

So i caved in and watched the last few episodes of Ken Burns’ stodgy Jazz. And yes, even though #s 7 thru 9 were pretty great (Coltrane, Davis, Coleman, etc.), the final espisode, dealing with 1961 to the present was tremendously disappointing. No mention of Sun Ra, obviously; Cecil Taylor was only brought up so Branford Marsalis could call his approach "bullshit." Only one fleeting mention of Jimmy Smith. And of course, the whole "rebirth of jazz", marching out a parade of nobodies while giving no mention of John Zorn or John Lurie. Ugh.

Anyway, if there has been a positive side-effect of watching Jazz, it's made me want to learn more about it on my own. Not only that, it made me realize that i have jazz records i've never really listen to. So here, in my stunning lack of vocabulary, are some embarrassingly un-learned assessments of jazz records in my collection.

Thelonious Monk - Thelonious in Action

I’ll start by saying it’s weird for me to see a jazz record i own be considered "important" but i guess, since Thelonius in Action was highlighted during the Monk episode of Jazz, it must be. Sounds great, anyway. It was also weird to see that, at one point, Monk was considered "too weird" or a "novelty" by jazz cats. The guy IS jazz, if you ask me. Monk was the first jazz guy i got into, actually. I like his weird melodies and choppy, punctuating playing. In the hands of Monk, the piano was a percussive instrument, and he deftly switches between blues and jazz chops on this record. Lots of slightly-off-the-wall solos by all players. Monk sounds abstract now, imagine how this sounded must have sounded in 1958. This is a terrific record, and i’m glad i’m actually listening to it now.
Rating: 4 stars

Duke Ellington w/Charles Mingus and Max Roach - Money Jungle

RV has always talked about Money Jungle, and bought it some time ago. We used to listen to it a lot while working at Limbo. It was nice to see that, 30 years into his career, Ellington was still trying to advance as an artist and remain relevant, playing with Mingus and Roach as he does here. It certainly is a departure from the Orchestra and the pop standards he's really known for, and he sounds very inspired. All the players are. Once again, another great (and i know, because this one was on Jazz, also), particularly impressive considering there's no horn player. Mostly uptempo, strong melodies, innovative playing from the rhythm secion, a few more haunting-sounding solo pieces. Pretty much a must-have if you like jazz, i would think.
Rating: A

Art Tatum - Classic Solos

Art Tatum i know nothing about, other than what’s printed on the back cover. I’ve heard of him anyway, but he died in 1956, and rarely wrote his own material. I do love solo piano playing, though, (Sun Ra, once again, comes up as an example of that - Monorails and Satellites and Solo Piano are both incredible records) and Tatum’s stuff is classic piano jazz, skillfully and soulfully played, sort of like old Ellington standards, but without the corny words or silly-sounding muted trumpets. Not only that, but the cover makes him look like a guy who'd just as soon clock you with a beer mug as play a piano. I'd buy more.
Rating: 8

Dave Brubeck – Take Five

This was the first jazz record i ever owned, and i’m pretty sure i just stole it from my mom because i liked the 50s beatnik/bachelor cover art. Anyway, it’s pretty cerebral stuff; Brubeck was one of the first to mess with time signatures (the record's hit "Take Five" is in 5/4 time, for one example), so the compositions are pretty interesting - the opening piano solo on "Strange Meadowlark" is very melancholic. The playing, though, aside from Brubeck’s big blocky chords, is pretty limp and polite sounding, and the alto sax is distractingly fruity. If you can deal with all that, though, it’s a nice, modestly-groundbreaking record. I guess. Your grandparents will like it, anyway...
Rating: B

John Cale – Fear

Jesse Fuchs recently surprised me with this record. I’ve always wanted to own some John Cale, and apparently this is one of the ones to own. However, having said that, I don’t really care for it. For whatever reason, it reminds me WAY too much of a John Lennon record of that same period, and I HATE John Lennon. There are some good moments: "Ship of Fools" is a pretty song about the southwest, and "Gun" is a good stomping droning rocker, although way too long (a common malady on this record) and Phil Manzanera’s attempt at excessive Lou Reed guitar skronk is unimpressive. Others, "The Man Who Couldn’t Afford to Orgy" in particular, are downright embarrassing. Cale's been a great producer and a great musician, but a songwriter he ain't.
Rating: yellow light

Sugar Ray – 14:59

Fans of this page will remember I received a copy of this record for my karaoke efforts during the taping of the Rock Star Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Anyway, believe it or not, I’ve actually listened to it on a couple of occasions. What can you say about Sugar Ray, really … a former hard-core band who (wisely) decided selling out was a good career move. They even picked up a DJ in the process. "Someday", the mellow hit from this record, was probably one of the greatest pop songs of that year (not that i can name very many). The remainder: professional, forgettable guitar crunch.
Rating: C

The Vitamen (demo)

The Vitamen are a new band featuring COVER ME BADD's Jesse Blockton on guitar, and they're off to a pretty good start. Seven minutes worth of frenetic, complicated-yet-catchy guitar pop, augmented by suitably yelpy vocals, sort of like a sped-up Flaming Lips. See them live if you can, even if just to witness Dave Rosner beat an innocent drumset within an inch of its life. I respect that sort of thing.
Rating: Thumbs up

The Swell Maps - International Rescue

The Swell Maps are one of my very favorite bands. I'm reviewing this record mainly because i'm lachrymose (look it up) that i'll be in L.A. when the Maps' NIKKI SUDDEN plays here. Anyway, i consider the Swell Maps the all-time underrated '70s punk band. They certainly had a great raggedy songwriter/singer/sneerer in Sudden, as well as THE great-terrible rhythm section in drummer Epic Soundtracks (who seemed to tire easily) and bassist Jowe Head (who seemed to get lost easily). There was a fourth guy, too, but i'm not sure what his contribution was, except for the spiffy cover art. Anyway, they kick ass. Shut up.
Rating: 8

Sir Mix-A-Lot - Iron Man 12"

Mix's great contribution to musical history was, of course, "Baby Got Back", but few people (except for Fuchs, Mishka and Tris, natch) realize he had a pretty decent career before he "found his voice." I didn't know anyway. So, i found Iron Man (yes, a "cover" of the Sabbath tune) at the local thrift store, and i'm amazed to hear that Mix was actually a pretty good rapper. He sure sounds like he was influenced a LOT by Public Enemy - he even shouts "BASS!" on the B-side song - but if you're going to be derivative, be derivative of someone as good as Public Enemy.
Rating: 3 stars

Steely Dan - Pretzel Logic

Zach of the Candy Darlings has the Steely Dan box set. Another reason for me to hate him. Back in the day, i used to love Steely Dan. Hell, i even liked Gaucho. Then, for many years, i loved Steely Dan, but was embarrassed to admit it publicly. Now that i'm in my adulthood, i'm back to loving them unabashedly. Not enough to buy their new record, of course, or Walter Becker's 11 Tracks of Whack or whatever the hell it was called, or enough to go see them live (tho, that could change next summer), or even enough to plop down my own money to buy their boxset. Actually, i'm content to spend $1 or 2 on them in the used vinyl bin at Kim's. But they're still one of my enduring favorites. So, as many of you fellow Steely Dan enthusiasts can imagine, i'm suprised i never managed to own a copy of Pretzel Logic, the third in their holy trinity of listenable records (unless you also like Aja; i don't, except for "Deacon Blues"). But then, my good friend Martin picked up Pretzel Logic for me for Christmas. And it's pretty much all i've listened to since. "Barrytown", a straight-forward '70s singer-songwriter number, is one of my new favorite songs. The strangely over-orchestrated "Through With Buzz", all 1:30 of it, lives up to all the promise of a song titled "Through With Buzz" carries. Check out the Stones-y (for them) "Monkey in your Soul", with fuzz bass that Jimmy Spoiler would die for. I think. Hardluck story "Charlie Freak" is a klezmer-band cover waiting to happen. Even their hit "Rikki Don't Lose That Number" still sounds good. And that's pretty much what i love about Steely Dan - that they're smart-assed yet earnest and tuneful enough to pull off songs like the ones on Pretzel Logic. I wish i could do that.
Rating: A- (The title track is kinda boring...)

Perez Prado - Mambo Mania

This one probably won't need much explanation. After all, it's from the 50s, it's titled Mambo Mania, you probably already know what it sounds like. Perez Prado was pretty much the master of the form, too, or he was at least right up there. If you're so inclined, find his Rhino "Best Of" for starters. And then buy an Yma Sumac record.
Rating: Thumbs Up

Mishka Shubaly - Thanks for Letting Me Crash

Thanks... is a 6-song acoustic effort from COME ON bassist and lead drunk Mishka Shubaly. Recorded in a tent he has set up in his living room, the result is a record that sounds like a hangover. Lead-off track "The Washington Ballet" contains the line "You don't know a goddamn thing about drinkin'" which ought to give you a clue as to what, and who, you're dealing with. The success of Thanks... is two-fold: one, it's very well-recorded with great guitar sounds (plus, anyone who can make a percussion effect out of a box of uncooked spaghetti is ok in my book); two, Mishka manages to write ultra-personal material without it ever coming off as precious, overly-referential or difficult. All that, and he cooks a mean breakfast.
Rating: 4 stars

Sun Ra and his Arkestra - Greatest Hits

The problem with Sun Ra, maybe the only problem, is he put out something like 60 records. Where the hell do you start? Well, you start with 1996's The Singles, like i did, but it *does* cost 30 bucks, and it's pretty inconsistant, so maybe you start with the oddly-titled Greatest Hits (odd because Sun Ra never even came close to having a "hit"). It's a terrific cross-section of his long, varied career, ranging from his fairly traditional, well-composed, Ellington-esque big band jazz to his free-jazz-and-chants bombast of the late 60s to the somewhat rock-inspired, Moog-fueled insanity of his early 70s work (my fave, obviously). Greatest Hits doesn't really necessarliy contain his greatest hits, and there's a few too many covers for my taste, but it's a great jumping-off point for those wanting a guide to his work. And "The Order of the Pharaonic Jesters" alone is worth the price.
Rating: 8

STAN GETZ w/ ASTRUD GILBERTO - Getz Au Go Go

I used to work at an “underground” magazine store in the E. Village called See Hear. They sold all sorts of shocking crap, like Nazi literature, the NAMBLA newsletter or heirsuite pornography, alongside all the alternative comics and rock-star autobiographies. No one ever bought any of that stuff (at least not at the store, presumably preferring the anonymity of ordering it on-line), but the owner thought it was “good” to stock that sort of fare. Anyway, one of these awful zines was a leaflet called My Dick; the whole run consisted of two issues, both of which were each a single, photocopied page of handwritten text with blurry, indecipherable photographs. Issue #1 dealt with the fact that in issue #2, the author was going to publish a picture of his genitalia, and issue #2 came through with “the goods.” Even in the zine world, the whole project walked the fine line between effortlessly stupid and pointlessly stupid. Each issue was $1.

Unfortunately, there was one See Hear semi-regular that found My Dick (the zine) very inspiring. He decided he was going to do his own zine like that and, inexplicably (other than maybe he saw me as being “in the know” in zine culture) he needled me for my advice on the whole undertaking. “Do you think i should do it? Should i make my own zine where i show off my penis? Do you think the owner would buy it? What should i write about?” etc. etc. Strangely, nothing else about this guy seemed off the mark - he didn’t seem like some “performance artist” fucking with me, and i don’t think he was picking up on me. I think he was just really narcissistic.

I just kinda shrugged and said “ah, go for it. The other guy did it.”

Big mistake, because the next week, the same guy came back with a envelope full of pictures for his new project. You guessed it: it was a bunch of naked photos of him. “What do you think? Which are your favorites?” etc. I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t yet sufficiently NYC-savvy to just tell the guy off, so i just sat, awkwardly flipping through the photos, not really knowing what to say. I remember one he took where he was wearing a motorcycle helmet. Eek. It was pretty surreal.

Anyway, it was about this time that someone else serendipitously stomped in and interrupted. “Hey, do you want to buy a record?” He was speaking directly to me.

Seeing this as a way to not have to deal with this other idiot, i asked what he had, and he handed me Getz Au Go Go, a 1964 live record from the Stan Getz Quartet feat. singer Astrud Gilberto. I had (have) the Getz/Gilberto CD with “Girl from Ipanema” at home; i like that song. La, la-la, l’-la-la-la-laaa,. Anyway, why this guy was walking around with one single Stan Getz record, trying to sell it, is something i might have asked about under different circumstances, but instead i just asked him, flustered, “is it good?” which is kind of a pointless question, if you think about it.

Of course, he said, indifferently, “yeah, it’s great.”

I asked him how much (“$3”), and i decided to buy it. It appeared to be in pretty good shape, plus i liked the “Stewart’s Ice Cream Shop” font used on the front cover. I slowly, deliberately, reached into my pocket and picked out three singles and gave them to him, and he quickly exited the store. Oddly, in all the “excitement”, the first guy had picked his naughty photos off the counter, and wandered off. I never saw him again.

I did, however, now possess a snappy live Getz/Gilberto record, which i am very fond of. It’s a nice, samba-y jazzy record, like you’d expect; great for cocktail parties. I should have one sometime. Then i can tell this story all over again.
Rating: 8

The WHARTON TIERS ENSEMBLE - Twilight of the Computer Age

The Wharton Tiers Ensemble is one of my favorite bands in the city. They’re an instrumental act consisting of six (6) guitarists, a bassist, a saxophonist and the lead drumming of the somewhat-legendary Wharton Tiers. Their songs are long, repetative, but uptempo, artful and exhilarating. All the guitarists will start with a similar riff and slowly go in every different direction. Wharton is one of my very favorite drummers, very frenetic, bombastic and surfy, kinda like a well-rehearsed version of myself, i think. Plus, my old esteemed colleague/CASH REGISTERS saxophone-ist Fletcher Buckley is one the Ensemble’s lead skronker. I see them whenever i can. Sadly, i can’t recommend their record. What’s weird about Twilight though is that it’s so poorly recorded. The mix is uneven, the drums are washed-out sounding and lack impact, the 6 guitars sound like one, and not in a good way. It’s too bad, too, because it’s a great batch of songs. Wharton is a guy who made his money in the ‘90s recording the likes of Helmet, Yo La Tengo and Sonic Youth - i’m very surprised he wasn’t able to catch his band’s sound accurately record. Instead, it’s eerily remniscient, recording-wise, of the first COME ON CD. No, that’s not good. I still highly recommend seeing Wharton live if you can, but Twilight probably isn’t for the uninitiated. Maybe wait for the next one.
Rating: Yellow Light

The FLAMIN' GROOVIES - The Goldstar Tapes + More

I like records that consist of old demos. Especially in the case of a band like The Flamin' Groovies, where i'm pretty unfamiliar with their "official" stuff in the first place. (I've heard Teenage Head and thought it was so-so). I'm always very mindful when recording demos with my friends that someone, somewhere, 30 years down the road, who has no idea who i am might analyze some bass-line i played totally wrong, or get a haughty chuckle out of one of my many blown drum-fills. That may be my ultimate career goal as a musician, actually: to appear on other people's obsure demo releases. I think i'm getting off to a fine start. The Flamin' Groovies sound like the Stones. The original tunes are great, but they comprise less than half the record. The most impressive stuff, strangely, comes not from the eponymous 1979 Goldstar Demos (where Phil Spector did much of his legendary work), but from tapes made in their drummer’s basement in 1971. Figures.
Rating: 3 stars

BOOTSY'S RUBBER BAND - "Bootzilla" single

Someone named "E.G." recently unloaded a slew of old disco 45s at my neighborhood Salvation Army, and Bootsy Collins’ "Bootzilla" was among these. With a name like "Bootzilla", and a price of 50 cents, i couldn’t really pass it up. Off-kilter, sound-effects laden, forced-sounding disco craziness, c. 1978, that’s just a couple of naughty lyrics away from being late 70’s Zappa. Holy shit, Bootsy can’t sing. "Bootzilla", and the soul ballad on the other side, are really really terrible. In a good way. Yet more proof that the crappy novelty funk of yesteryear is much, much better than any music being made today.
Rating: Thumbs Up

Emerson, Lake & Palmer - Tarkus

A friend of mine recently sent me a postcard that was constructed with a cutout piece of Yes’ "Yesterdays" record cover. I thought it would be clever to reply with a postcard from scenic ELP record "Tarkus," until my girlfriend wisely reminded me of what a mean thing that would be to do. You see, "Tarkus" is CURSED... Spooneye! founder and bad music maven Jesse Fuchs hilariously relates the cautionary tale of his Tarkus-owning friend who was dumped by his girlfriend and broke his leg during the two-week period he was in possession of the record. I actually got mugged during the week i owned my copy. I decided the curse of Tarkus could actually pertain to being in possesion of ANY part of the record, and i like my friends too much to put them at that sort of risk. Instead i’ll just have to send a postcard made out of the cover of my recently-purchased copy of King Crimson’s "In the Wake of Poseidon."
The music, you ask? Well, Tarkus is the time-honored fable of a gigantic robot armadillo, and his battles with the evil Manticore (or is Tarkus the evil one?!). And people say prog-rock sucked. "Aquatarkus" is a snappy little ditty, i guess. Still, avoid at all costs. It could mean your life.
Rating: EVIL

As a service to the befuddled holiday shopper, i'm providing my special Yuletide record reviews! 'Tis the season...

Jimmy Smith - Cookin’ Christmas
The Ventures’ Christmas Album
Elvis’ Christmas Album
Rhino Records’ Rockin’ Christmas - The ‘60s


I hate to admit it, but i kinda like Christmas. I like egg nog. I like all the inept, herd-minded shoppers pushing into each other for some toy they’ve been told to buy. I like wreaths. I especially like Video Fireplace. Here at the Carstensen household, we usually have a Christmas Eve party for all of our friends who didn’t leave the city for the holidays. We set up our dilapidated fake tree and get out all of the cheap, handmade decorations we made 5 years ago, our first NYC Christmas. I always look forward to that.

But most of all, i like Christmas music. I like listening to Christmas music in July. I like Christmas music almost as much as i like Halloween music. I think every band should have a Christmas record, or at least a Christmas song. And i’m not talking about crap like "I Believe In Father Christmas" either (apologies to Tris McCall). I’m talking about stuff like the Kinks’ "Father Christmas, Give Us Some Money" or the Ramones’ "Merry Christmas, I Don’t Wanna Fight Tonight" (which i was very happy to hear at Jersey City’s Newport Mall last Christmas-time). The aforementioned Tris McCall’s pop once released a song called "I Don’t Want No Fake Christmas Tree" i’d love to hear one day. Even Sun Ra has an excellent Christmas song, with an accompanying New Year’s song.

Which means you’d think i’d be pretty jazzed about Rhino Records Rockin’ Christmas - the ‘60s, featuring such heavyweights as Santo & Johnny (of "Sleepwalk" fame), James Brown y mucho mas. But, alas, it’s only OK. Pretty inconsistent, with what i now consider the greatest Yuletide song ever, Sonics’ rave-up "Don’t Believe In Christmas" (which includes what i believe to be references to nudie mags and a drunk Santa ... maybe i should listen again), sharing space with dreck from Paul Revere and the Raiders and The Turtles. The Aretha Franklin song is pretty forgettable, The Trashmen’s "Dancing with Santa" is AWFUL (as bad as their other Christmas song "Real Live Doll"), Santo & Johnny’s "Twistin’ Bells" is, sadly, fast and trebly and kind of annoying. Bobby Boris Pickett’s "Monster’s Holiday" (where the monsters all scheme to steal Santa’s sleigh) is hilariously derivative of "Monster Mash" (of course), and surf band The Wailers’ uncharacteristic "protest" song "Christmas Spirit" is way ahead of it’s time in terms of how bitter it is. And there’s a couple of good soul songs by people i’ve never heard of. Hey, wait, i guess i like it after all ... still it was between that and the Christmas record with Otis Redding and Booker T & the MGs on it, so i can’t help but feel a little taken.

It’s not as good as Elvis’ Christmas Album, that’s for sure. I probably don’t have to go into much detail with this one - if you like "Blue Christmas," buy it. If you don’t, you’re a commie.

However, you may have to be as much of a Ventures fan as i am to truly appreciate The Ventures’ Christmas Album. 10 surfed-up holiday classics and two originals ("Snow Flakes" and "Scrooge"), all of which feature intros from other Ventures songs that magically morph into Christmas hits ("Walk Don’t Run" turns into "Sleigh Ride", "Guitar Twist" into "Jingle Bells", etc.). The only thing that really makes it any more Christmas-y than their regular records is the copious use of sleigh bells. Overall, it kinda sounds like they had a few beers and knocked the whole thing out in an afternoon. Needless to say, i love it ...

Lastly there’s The Incredible Jimmy Smith’s Christmas Cookin’, a likeable collection of ‘50s jazz organ noodle-ry, which occasionally suffers from some bombastic orchestral overproduction, but manages to never get too hard to listen to. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" is particularly rippin', and at least half of the record is reminiscent enough of his classic material for my liking. Dig.

Cookin’ Christmas Rating: B
The Ventures’ Christmas Album Rating: Almost as good as the barking dogs singing "Jingle Bells"
Elvis’ Christmas Album Rating: 8
Rhino Records’ Rockin’ Christmas - The ‘60s Rating: 3 French Hens

The Gary McFarland Sextet - Point of Departure

I haven’t seen all of Ken Burns’ recent Jazz series on PBS - only the first two parts. I guess i kinda gave up on it after getting overloaded on pop-swing and Branford Marsalis’ stodgy platitudes of how jazz died in 1961. Anyway, i’m certain that Jazz is probably not getting anywhere near early ‘60s vibist Gary McFarland, which makes sense, because he’s not really that good. Robin accurately described it as "TV Jazz"; it reminds me of something you’d hear during driving scenes in a campy detective movie. Since it was on Impulse, i couldn’t really pass it up, and it’s not offensive in anyway - there’s a few bright spots. But considering how much good jazz i still don’t own, i can’t really recommend this one.
Rating: 2 ½ stars
Morbid aside: McFarland died at age 38 in 1971 after consuming a drink spiked with methadone.

Make Way for Dionne Warwick

Dionne Warwick has always struck me as being one of those people who’s most famous for being famous. Like Martha Raye. Who the hell is Martha Raye? I know, i know, "movie star, denture wearer" ... quick: name any movie that Martha Rae was in ... (here’s some).
And i swear none of this has to do with that psychic friends crap, even though it should. I just never knew i knew any Dionne Warwick songs. Anyhoo, i love the song "Walk On By" (i especially love The Stranglers’ version of it) but never knew who did the original until very recently. So when i saw this, i had to pick it up, and now i listen to "Walk On By" once or twice a day. I’ve tried listening to the remainder, but i find it pretty unmemorable, probably best suited for playing while you’re doing the dishes.
Rating: B-

More Christmas Fun with the Happy Hamsters

I saw 1982's More Christmas Fun... and pretty much knew i had to buy it. However, at Larry’s, they have little toy record players you can use to listen to the records to see whether or not you like them. So i put it on, and Larry, a big, nice-but-kinda-crazy NYC hard rock guy with a tattoo of Alfred E. Neuman on his arm, looks over and says "Ah, the Happy Hamsters! That got a lot of spins here around the holidays..." A pause, and then he puffs his cheap cigar and adds slowly "You know how you have the Beatles and you have the Rolling Stones? ... Well, if the Chipmunks are the Beatles, the Happy Hamsters are the Rolling Stones."
Rating: ?

Vanilla Fudge

Vanilla Fudge are one of those "classic" bands i’ve never actually heard until recently. Mishka tried to loan me his copy of Vanilla Fudge once - it ended up in the backseat of a car that was heading to Virginia. Alas, i never got to hear it. Which was wise, because Holy Shit, what an awful record!! I bet Ronnie James Dio has 12 copies of this record. This is some of the worst crap i’ve ever heard in my life, wailing vocals, organ histrionics - it’s like they thought "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" was too subtle or something. The worst part is, it was produced by Shadow Morton, who did all those great Shangri-las recordings and the 2nd New York Dolls record. He must have needed the money. Oof.
Rating: Spell-bindingly Bad
Plus, Nancy Sinatra's version of "Bang, Bang" is much, much better...

Steely Dan - Katy Lied

So, i was at Larry’s, home of the 20,000 records in the basement, killing a little time on a blustery day. The thing about shopping in such an environment is that it’s easy to get discouraged, trying to find a decent record in all the cast-off disco singles and Graham Nash solo records, but once you do find one, you get re-energized and you continue searching. It’s kinda like fishing. Anyway, i was determined to find a copy of Steely Dan’s The Royal Scam - it’s bound to be somewhere down there – but i ended up settling for Katy Lied, and all i have to say is, WHAT AN AWFUL RECORD! Oh crap. Can you imagine going from Preztel Logic, one of the best records EVER, to the bad studio musician lite-jazz abomination that is this record? Well, “Your Gold Teeth II” is pretty nice, half of it, anyway. But the rest, “Bad Sneakers”, “Black Friday”, “Everyone’s Gone to the Movies”, crap, crap, unlistenably slick crap. I need a new favorite band.

Traffic - The Low Spark of High Heeled Boys

I like Traffic. Their best-of double CD and/or John Barleycorn Must Die are pretty much all you need by them, but this is a nice addition. The trippy title track, of course, in spite of/because of it’s sloppy jazziness, is exceptional. “Many a Mile to Freedom” is a nice, mellow anthem. But, mostly, i’d like to talk about the back cover of the record. Specifically, the photo of late, not-so-great saxophonist Chris Wood, who’s wearing tight pink trousers and looks like he stuffed an apple in his pants. Very sexy, Chris. Very rock and roll. I’m sure all the hippy girls liked it. And now i know where the guys in Journey picked up that trick.

Blue Oyster Cult - Fire of Unknown Origin

"Thinking-man’s heavy metal band" my ass. Is it because Patti Smith wrote some of their lyrics? "Getting stoned in the van in the school parking lot" rock, really; Dio-Holy Diver vocal wailing and general early 80s metal badness (albiet with much better guitar solos), “augmented” with extra helpings of cheesey, over-mixed synthesizers. The result, in short: perfect background music for a night of Dungeons & Dragons playing, when/if you decide to whip out the ol’ 20-sided dice again. I realize that for some of you, this is an endoresment, and if nothing else, at least i'll be able to recognize some of their tunes next time they're playing one of those $5 shows.

England’s Newest Hit Makers, The Rolling Stones

Okay, i’m only reviewing this record because i’m happy to have found a playable vinyl copy of it for $1. That, and there’s an instrumental on it. Anyway, 11 blues tunes and one Jagger-Richards original. Dare i say, these guys have a bright future! They’re kinda ugly, though.
Rating: 8
Instead of the usual "wacky random link", i’m instead going to post the information provided on the back of the record on how to start your own Rolling Stones fan club. Good luck!
Start a “Rolling Stones” Fan Club
Write to: Miss Patricia Thomas
London Records
539 West 25 St.
New York 1, N.Y.

Kalama’s Quartet - Early Hawaiian Classics

I LOVE Hawaiian music. It started with finding a coupla 10" Alfred Apaka and His Hawaiians records at a Salvation Army in Denver. Kinda Don Ho-ey stuff, Apaka was, but nice nonetheless. Then i bought an Arhoolie records compilation of steel guitar music (a Hawaiian invention, incidentally) from the 20s and 30s, and this was my introduction to the real stuff. Kalama's Quartette, along with Sol Hoopii, are the two must-haves if you're interested: deft yet melodic guitar solos, fast tempos, ukuleles, the scratchy "78" sound, 4 guys singing "akakakhukaokahukala". It's very beautiful music, actually. You'll like it too.
Rating: A

URGH! A Music War

URGH! is a 27-song, double record of live performances by some of the late 70s/early 80s greatest new wave/punk bands (Go-Gos, Cramps, 999, Devo) and some you never knew existed (unless you were a member of Athletico Spizz '80). Interestingly, the entirety of the record was recorded in a one month period in the summer of 1980, from shows all over the globe, and was all mixed by one man who did a really lousy job. Did *every* band in the 1980 have to have flanged bass? I don't remember all these singers sounding quite this bad, either. Why do all the bands sound like they're playing in my neighbor's closet? Oh well, it's a nice curio, even if its more fun to just have than to actually listen to.
Rating: What am i griping about? It was $2 ...

This week: My old 7" review column!!

I recently unearthed the following 7" Review Column i submited to one of the countless zines Jesse was going to do, but never did. Good for a laugh anyway. There's a few interesting revelations, too, like how willing i was to be complicated, how much more opinionated i used to be about music before i realized what a losing battle that was, and how much more effort i used to put into writing before i started doing it for a living. I'll leave it to yourself to decide whether these are good things or not. Another funny thing to consider is how oblivious i was to the fact that no one was still buying or even making 7" records when i wrote this. Ah, youthful idealism.

I still like 7" records very much, even though i haven't bought one since the Oblivians broke up. I think there is something perfect about them. I like the fact that a band only has 3 or 4 minutes per side to get their point across. Weak material is inexcusable. The cover art is often quite attractive. And the novelty aspect of 7" records is off the charts. Unlike a CD, the music doesn't have a chance to wear out its welcome. Things like that.

Well, enough with the platitudes ... enjoy this blast of rock criticism, and make sure you have a calculator handy.

Strangely, this column was edited by about one-third. Yikes.

Written in, i believe, the summer of 1997 ...

Hello, and welcome to a new feature, "JC's 7-inch Review Column" (at least that's what it's gonna be called until i come up with a snappy name for it...). While, in future columns (hopefully), this space will be used for colorful 7"-related commentary and conjecture, today it'll be used to explain my not-at-all gimmicky or esoteric, and wholly practical, "Rock Index" rating system. I hope you're sitting down for this...

After each review, the record in question is assigned a True Rock Value rating, from $2.99 (best), then $1.99, $1.50, 99 cents, 50 cents, and finally, No Sale, based on the maximum amount i could pay for the record without feeling gypped. This statistic is used in comparison to the self-explanatory Actual Price(tax not included). Note that in the unfortunately few instances where i, myself, did not actually purchase the record, and was not privy to its actual price, it is assumed to be $3. Third comes the ARI (Arbitrary Rock Indicator) where things like packaging, or the mood i was in, or other such x-factors, are given a numerical value between 0 and 10, relative to pretty much nothing.

Then comes the crown jewel, the ROCK INDEX, which is calculated as follows:

Rock Index=(((2 x True Rock Value) + (4 x (True Rock Value/Actual Price)) + ARI) / 2) + .01

The implication of this formula is that a record valued at $2.99, that actually cost $2.99, and received a 10 ARI (because it looks nice, and i was in a good mood, of course) would have a ROCK INDEX of a perfect 10. The advantages of the ROCK INDEX rating system are twofold:

1) It enables me to make use of the term ROCK INDEX.
B) I get to make up needlessly complex math functions, perform them, and then compare the results. Fun, right?

Of course, as far as a system for evaluating music is concerned, its merit is questionable. For instance, the highest True Rock Value rating a record can get is $2.99, yet try finding a $2.99 record in this New York City! Shit! Secondly, as it turns out, that if, for instance, a record gets a 6 in Spin, one can assume that it's probably kind of a sucky record (of course, in the case of Spin, an 8 or a 9 is a pretty fair indication that it's probably kind of a sucky record). However, in the innovative ROCK INDEX system, a score in the 6 range still indicates a pretty good effort. You know, kinda like Olympic figure skating.

Okay, so it's needlessly Byzantine, but you have to admit, it's still a more effective system than Robert Christgau giving everything an A-minus. Or maybe it's not. Anyway, here are, in no particular order, the...

"NEW" Records:

Fall in Love With The BAD POPES

Just about as lo-fi as it gets without being GUITAR WOLF(No-Fi?). Spooko-garage rock that actually sound like it was recorded in a garage, though the first track "Settle Down" is good, danceable guitar pop. Just don't ask me what any of the words are, and the second side is a real mess. Still, worth checking out.

True Rock Value: $1.99
Actual Price: $3 (i think)
ARI: 7 (it's MONO!)
Rock Index: 6.82

For the Love of Jesus, Chapters 1-3

I'm not a big fan of the genre, but it's nice to hear that there's still legitimate blues music being created these days, that it's not just a meal ticket for B B King and his Beale St. cronies. It's largely due to the newly-formed Fat Possum label that any of this stuff is getting into print, and this collection seems to be a good starting point for those wanting to (re)acquaint themselves with the blues. Of course, even in it's heyday, the blues never was a very diverse field, so don't expect much in the way of surprises; it'll probably seem like you've heard this stuff before, even though you haven't. Nonetheless, this collection proves that any form, when done well, still has impact.
I wish, for the purposes of this review, that i was more knowledgeable of the artists, but to me, the most highly recommended of the three chapters i've heard thus far (there's now a 4th out) is #3 by Frank Roach. Both tracks, "Alabama" and "Holiday Inn," are simple, sparse, just guitar and voice; unadorned, drunk-sounding and not even always in-tune, but beautiful music. Elmore Williams provides the most rockin' song of the bunch (Chapter 1, verse 2 "Gonna Leave"), a real rave-up, and T-Model Ford (Chapter 2) is no slouch, but is a tad eccentric. I think T's singing "i'm gonna kick your ass/i'm gonna put my foot in your ass..." Wow! And his drummer's name is Spam.

True Rock Value: (Williams) $1.99 (Ford) $1.50 (Roach) $2.99
Actual Price: $3.98 each
ARI: 9 (A friend of mine lent me these; i didn't have to pay for them!)
Rock Index: (Willams) 7.5 (Ford) 6.77 (Roach) 9

All Scars

James Canty, guitarist and sole remaining attribute of the otherwise increasingly loathsome MAKE*UP, has cooked up a side-band with players from a veritable who's-who of mediocre indie-rockers (Attention: Those interested in METAMATICS side-projects!), to create what is laughably described on the sleeve as "ambient punk." I can assure you that neither of the words in that term are accurate, yet i'll admit, at a first casual listen, this record didn't sound half-bad; Canty, i guess, does have a somewhat signature guitar sound, and the accompaniment is agreeable. But side 2 opens with a barrage of screams and sonic noodling that even Thurston Moore would've been embarrassed to release, and then i notice something: i haven't read the lyric sheet yet! And how thoughtful of them to provide insight on these doozies, like this from "Diobolical Duality": "Religion is all bullshit written down on paper/Although it is a nice explanation of the master/slave relationships of society." Who wrote this crap, an 8th grader trying to piss off his church group? Or, among the lessons to be learned in "The Lineage of Time" is "History has shown that the rich always favor war." Ugh. I guess i don't mind debating it, but do you have to sing it? I'm embarrassed to be a leftist. And it gets worse! I've already said more that i needed to, though; this record is for suckers, ones even bigger than Make-Up fans.

True Rock Value: 50 cents
Actual Price: $3.98
ARI: 6(At least i finally got to be "scathing"!)
Rock Index: 3.76

The Ramones - I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend (Original 1975 Demo Version)

Fuller-sounding than the two demo songs on All the Stuff and More-Vol. 1, and noticeably different than the take that ended up on the first record, this version of "Boyfriend" has the Ramones sounding a little (okay, a lot...) klutzier than you are probably used to. But check out the flange on Johnny's guitar, the extra drawl in Joey's vocal lines, Dee Dee's occasional departure from the root notes, and the determined clunk of a still-novice Tommy, and you'll be glad this stuff is being released. "Judy Is a Punk," on the B-side, is also comparatively plodding, but if you ever wanted to hear a Ramones song with a piano in it (aside from "Slug"), well, here's your big chance.

True Rock Value: $2.99
Actual Price: $3.98
ARI: 9 (For those of you who dig typos, the band thanks "Adny" Shernoff on the back cover.)
Rock Index: 9

The Dead C vs. Sebadoh

As anyone who lives in the Williamsburg/Greenpoint knows, a whole lot of pointless and/or self-indulgant things are done these days under the guise of 'art.' Well, we're not alone, as New Zealand's DEAD C proves. To me, this just sounds like three guys trying, and failing, to be a lo-fi basement punk band, but with a supposed avant-garde twist that doesn’t actually exist. There is one great thing about this record, though: i bought it for $1 at Wax Trax and, not long ago, isaw the same one for sale on the wall at NYC’s Other Music for $50. I’m imagine it’s still there too, and whoever the sucker is that eventually pays $50 for this record (and they'll probably be from Williamsburg) is going to feel severely taken. I mean, I can’t think of ANY 7" record that’d be worth $50. It sure as hell ain’t this one. I guess i don’t like noise-punk-art as much as i used to; that’s the sort of thing that happens when you get old. Either i was easily snowed when i was 23 or i'm a cynic now. Probably both. Of course, even then, i had the good sense to dislike Sebadoh (who, incidentally, don't appear on this record). And, i confess, the second side has it's moments. But hey, if you're willing to offer $50 for my copy, i'm listening.

True Rock Value: 99 cents
Actual Price: $1
ARI: 8 (No reason, just 8)
Rock Index: 7.58. Wow, that seems a little steep ...

Yo La Tengo - Rocket #9

I like this record a lot because, for whatever reason, when i listen to it i feel like i'm the only person in the world that actually has a copy of it. The record label i've never heard of (with no address), the lack of credits, the minimal cover art, the low production quality, i sometimes think i'm imagining that it even exists. But i'll snap out of it. Anyway, Yo La Tengo doing their own take on the Sun Ra's most well-known space chant, what could be better than that? Here it's done "False Alarm" style, complete with keyboard lunacy, the fast pace, and the overall sense of chaos; Kaplan and McNew sing. An instrumental number "Wig-Out with Charley Dapper" is included as well (i'm surprised they even named it), featuring huge double-drumming and a great spooky organ line. A second, less-together version of "Rocket #9" comprises the B-side, i guess just in case you get a scratch on the A-side.

True Rock Value: $2.99
Actual Price: $4.98 (Thank you, Adult Crash)
ARI: 9 (It's only fitting.)
Rock Index: 8.7

Sounds of American Fast Food Restaurants, Vol. 1

I'll get right to the good part: this is the most insulting crap i've heard in my life. The idea itself, an audio document of the many commonly-shared, and therefore, mundane, aspects of American life (in this case, going to a fast-food joint, although there are a flood of no doubt hotly anticipated follow-up themes in the offing) is promising enough. But, from the smarty-farty, faux Brit introduction to the grim and exploitative plug for Volume 2 (which apparently includes a wake scene from a Wendy's), Sounds Of... comes off like a desperate, last-minute attempt of some trust-fund brat trying to bullshit his way through a sociology project. And, yes, i know the whole thing was intended to be a joke, some sort of send-up on pseudo-intellectualism, and that, in and of itself, is only a little disappointing. But the resulting record is so half-assed and head-scratchingly unfunny, it would've been less of a failure if they'd been attempting something genuinely intellectual. Neither the foppy, nasal-y narration, awe-inspiring in its inanity, or the scarcely audible recordings themselves, most of which sound like they were taken in the same exact spot (or is that the point!), and all of which sounded vaguely like the Broadway stop on the G train in the off-hours, could've been done any worse. And those are the only things you have to go on; nope, no crazy guitar solos to save your ass. It's just 'wordy prologue'/'30 seconds of low murmuring that sounded like the last section'/repeat. You want examples? Here's the only one you need:

"If your wife has stepped out for a spell, listen closely to this next field recording. What resembles the rhythmic sounds of sexual ecstasy, is in fact nothing more than business as usual at another busy Hot Dog on a Stick franchise. As popular for their lemonade as for their frankfurters, the highlight of your trip is sure to be the forbidden sight of scantily clad teenage girls voluntarily working up an unnatural sweat as they straddle huge vats of lemons, water and ice, pumping away for all they're worth with their patented plunger."

Can you believe this? This is on a record! Some grown adult spent money and time on this crap! Who is this gasbag? And, needless to say, the attendant 'field recording' sounds nothing like sexual anything, but instead JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS! And, i assure you, it never gets any better. I mean, i know it's a supposed to be a joke, but this record is just a gigantic embarrassment, from beginning to end; so much so, i'm unshakably convinced the other records in this series will be equally abysmal. So, shoppers, if you ever see a 7", and the first two words of the title are "Sounds Of...," STAY AWAY!

True Rock Value: NO SALE
Actual Price: $1.99 (on sale! Woo!)
ARI: Zero, zero, a million times ZERO! In fact, they don't even get the .01 at the end of the equation, this thing's so fucking bad!
Rock Index: Big Fat F*cking ZERO!!

Whew ... i hope you didn't actually read all that ...

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