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JoKeS!!!!

.

You know you're Italian when:

1. You are 5'4", can benchpress 325 pounds, shave twice a day, and you can still cry when your mother yells at you.
2. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two mortadella sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular paper lunch bag.
3. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
4. You consider dunking a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in milk as a nutritious breakfast.
5. You live in a 900 square foot bungalow, but still have two kitchens (one in the basement).
6. You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
7. A high school diploma and one year of community college has earned you the title of "professore" among your aunts.
8. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
9. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
10. If someone in your family grows beyond 5'9", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
11. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
12. You netted more than $5,000 on your first communion.

You really know you're Italian when:

1. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
2. Christmas Eve...only fish.
3. Have a gold chain, cross and your horn.
4. You have a stupid nickname.
5. Your mom's meatballs are the best.
6. Favorite movies: Godfather/Goodfellas/Bronx Tale/The Last Don/Moonstruck/Scarface
7. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
8. Plastic on the furniture is normal.
9. You know how to pronounce "manicotti"; and it's gravy, not sauce.
10. You've called someone a "mamaluke".
11. You own a pinky ring.
12. And you understand "bada bing, bada boom."

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians and the French drink large amounts of red wine, and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

Conclusion: eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Young Judy was having trouble with her computer.
So she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk.
Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, Judy called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face.
"An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

He gave her a grin, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"

"No," replied Judy.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

She wrote: I D 1 0 T

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French,
nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la maison."

"Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough,
by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The Women Won

TOP EIGHT MORONS
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them
in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN "B" ???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnaped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein
the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied
up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until
police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man
in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man (in L.A.) spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her
husband!".

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and
a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his
hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having
a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand
new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no
matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make
it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell
them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in
perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and
down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina
guys jumped in the water to check underneath, he came up choking on
water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER.......................THIS IS TRUE !

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
==========================================

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ...........
lets put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

Answer each question and then scroll down for the answers

WHAT DO YOU PUT IN A TOASTER?

ANSWER:- BREAD....
IF YOU SAID "TOAST" THEN GIVE UP NOW AND GO AND FIND YOURSELF A SHOE BOX TO HIDE IN.

IF YOU SAID "BREAD" THEN PLEASE PROGRESS ON TO QUESTION 2

(Q2) SAY "SILK" 5 TIMES, NOW SPELL "SILK".....WHAT DO COWS DRINK?

ANSWER:- "WATER"
IF YOU SAID "MILK", THEN MAY I SUGGEST THAT YOU DO NOT TRY THE NEXT QUESTION,
AS IT MAY SEEM THAT YOUR BRAIN CELL IS OVER - TAXED.
MAYBE YOU NEED A HOLIDAY.

IF YOU SAID "WATER" THEN YOU MAY GO ONTO QUESTION 3

(Q3) IF A RED HOUSE IS MADE FROM RED BRICKS, A BLUE HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLUE BRICKS,
A PINK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF PINK BRICKS, A BLACK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLACK BRICKS....
WHAT IS A GREEN HOUSE MADE OUT OF?

ANSWER:- "GLASS"
IF YOU SAID "GREEN BRICKS" THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE READING THESE QUESTIONS?

IF YOU SAID "GLASS" THEN PLEASE PROGRESS ONTO QUESTION 4

(Q4) 20 YEARS AGO A PLANE IS FLYING AT 20,000 FT, OVER THE OLD
COUNTRY GERMANY WHEN 2 OF THE ENGINES FAIL, THE PILOT
REALIZINGTHAT THE LAST REMAINING ENGINE WAS FAILING, HE DECIDES A CRASH LANDING PROCEDURE,
BUT UNFORTUNATELY THE ENGINE FAILS BEFORE TIME AND THE PLANE
CRASHES SMACK BANG IN THE MIDDLE OF "NO MANS LAND" THE LAND BETWEEN EAST GERMANY
AND WEST GERMANY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BERLIN WALL, .....
WHERE WOULD YOU BURY THE SURVIVORS EAST GERMANY, WEST GERMANY OR IN "NO MANS LAND"?

ANSWER:- YOU DON'T BURY "SURVIVORS"
IF YOU SAID ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN PLEASE
IF YOU SAID THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN CARRY ON TO QUESTION 5

(Q5) IF ON A CLOCK THE HOUR HAND MOVES 1/60th OF A DEGREE EVERY
MINUTE THEN HOW MANY DEGREES WILL THE HOUR HAND TRAVEL IN 1 HOUR?

ANSWER:- "1 DEGREE" IF YOU SAID "360 DEGREES", OR ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE ANSWER,
MAY I CONGRATULATE YOU ON GETTING THIS FAR...BUT BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF,
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THE LAST AND FINAL QUESTION?

IF YOU SAID "1 DEGREE" THEN PLEASE GO ON TO THE LAST QUESTION

(Q6) **WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR** YOU ARE DRIVING A BUS FROM LONDON TO MILFORD HAVEN (WALES)
IN LONDON 17 PEOPLE GET ON THE BUS,
IN READING 6 PEOPLE GET OFF, 9 PEOPLE GET ON,
IN SWINDON 2 PEOPLE GET OFF, 4 PEOPLE GET ON,
IN CARDIFF 11 PEOPLE GET OFF,16 PEOPLE GET ON,
IN SWANSEA 3 PEOPLE GET OFF, 5 PEOPLE GET ON,
IN CARMARTHEN, 6 PEOPLE GET OFF,3 PEOPLE GET ON
THE BUS THEN PULLS INTO MILFORD HAVEN BUS DEPOT.....
WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE BUS DRIVER?

ANSWER: "YOUR NAME" - READ THE FIRST LINE!!!!

The Ant and the Grasshopper
ORIGINAL VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying in supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter,
so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying in supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and
well-fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth,
this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper,

and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house,
where the news stations film the group singing,
"We shall overcome."
Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant
has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper,
and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act,"
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and,
having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant,
and the case is tried before a panel of Federal judges that
Bill had appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food
while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house,
crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house,
now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

There is a common English word that is nine letters long.
Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an English
word - from nine letters right down to a single letter.
What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after
removing one letter at a time?

The base word is Startling - starting - staring - string - sting - sing - sin - in - I

cool, huh?

You Can Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes!!!

English/Chinese

Are you harboring a fugitive? . . . . Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. . . . . Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man . . . . Dum Gai
Small Horse . . . . Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? . . . . Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table . . . . Al Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift . . . . Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here . . . . Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? . . . . . Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution . . . . Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet . . . . Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone . . . . No Pak King
You are not very bright . . . . Yu So Dum
I got this for free . . . . Ai No Pei
I am not guilty . . . . Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer . . . . . Wai Go Nao?
Stay out of sight . . . . Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile . . . . Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive . . . . Yu Stin Ki Pu

Real Answers Given On "Family Feud"

Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with "moon" in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deck chair
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A con man
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
Something with a hole in it - Window
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK SOMEONE 50 YEARS TO LEARN

1. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
2. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
3. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
4. People who want to share their religious views with
you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always
one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason
why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.
That time is age 11.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved,
and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."
17. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
18. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use,
as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
19. Your friends love you, anyway

Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when
someone says; "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle
the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of the Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They
had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. They produced four children named
Dip Schitt, Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, and Giva Schitt.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and since her kids were living with her she
wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a son of nervous
disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of Noe's four children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-
Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens had four children named Dawg, Byrd,

Hoarse, and Bull. Bull left home to tour the world and returned with his new
Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So, now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Family history as recorded by Crock O. Schitt

Sales Crap

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.
He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything,
he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

How cute

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
His mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his little voice. "The big sissy."

Kitchens

1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
10. Housework done properly can kill you.
11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
12. My next house will have no kitchen –just vending machines.

You're probably a dog...

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor or
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
*She is numb from her toes down.
*The skin was moist and dry.
*Patient was alert and unresponsive.
*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

31 Things You May Not Know

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. Know any people like that?
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves
per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
14 The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed
the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion,
it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves.
That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you
couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles.
At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola,
so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat
a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to
take more than three steps backwards while dancing.
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book
most often stolen from Public Libraries.
31 . Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!!

This one isn't funi, but i thot it was real cute:

When I look at a patch of dandelions,
I see a bunch of weeds that are going
to take over my yard.
My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing
white fluff you can wish on.

When I look at an old drunk and he smiles
at me, I see a smelly, dirty person who
probably wants money and I look away.
My kids see someone smiling at them and
they smile back.

When I hear music I love, I know I can't
carry a tune and don't have much rhythm so
I sit self-consciously and listen.
My kids feel the beat and move to it.
They sing out the words. If they don't know
them, they make up their own.

When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself
against it. I feel it messing up my hair
and pulling me back when I walk.
My kids close their eyes, spread their arms
and fly with it, until they fall to the
ground laughing.

When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant
me this, give me that. My kids say, "Hi
God! Thanks for my toys and my friends.
Please keep the bad dreams away tonight.
Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet.
I would miss my Mommy and Daddy."

When I see a mud puddle I step around it.
I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets.
My kids sit in it. They see dams to build,
rivers to cross and worms to play with.

I wonder if we are given kids to teach or
to learn from? No wonder God loves the
little children!!

Enjoy the little things in life, for one
day you may look back and realize they were
the big things.

I wish you BIG MUD PUDDLES and SUNNY YELLOW DANDELIONS!

LOCK YOUR DOORS!!!!

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home...
An Oklahoma man was found dead in his home over the Weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes,
and a banana was sticking out of his butt.....

Police suspect a cereal killer.

HhehehHEHEHHEHehhehehEHHEeeee

This is an actual job application that a 17- year old boy
submitted at a McDonald's restaurant in Florida,
and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! That's why I'm applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriat question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb
sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes.
Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries

(He got the job!!)

This is funni

This guy was sitting in the waiting room of
the hospital after his wife had gone into
labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there,
"Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that!
I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said,
"Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"

When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife
had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point the gentleman sitting next to him let out a little strangled gasp
and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When the guy asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

A missionary working in African bush country was teaching the chief of a native tribe some English phrases, the better to get the word to the folks.

They were walking around together, and the visitor would point out various objects, animals, etc. and speak the English word, and have the chief repeat it.

"Cow", he pointed out, as they went by the village corral.

"River", he intoned, as they walked by the water's edge.

Returning to the village, they heard a noise in the brush, and investigating, found a man and woman engaging in "social discourse", which greatly embarrassed the preacher, he being very straightlaced in such matters.

"Man riding bicycle" was his comment to the chief, who suddenly took up his spear and ran the other man thru..

The misionary was even more shocked, and cried out "Why did you do that?"

"Man riding MY bicycle" answered the chief!

TOO MUCH THINKING!!!

I thought a thought.

But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought i thought had been the thought, I wouldn’t have thought so much.

i mean no disrespect to bsb, or any of their fans. i just think this is hilarious.

we are on fire
we have desires
but one is that way
one backstreetboy is gay
but we don't want to be mean
since now he's a queen
don't ask please
which backstreetboy is gay
tell me who
ain't sayin that it's AJ
tell me who
ain't sayin that it's Howie
tell me who
i never wanna hear you say
which backstreetboy is gay
now i can see him
he's in women's clothes
but he don't need an ID
yeah
he likes village people
he's playin crokain
his dog's a creep'in on meeeeee
he is on fire
his back perspires
won't say
won't say
won't say
okay..
he's always sayin
ain't nothin but a butt ache
ain't nothin but a fruit cake
i never wanna hear you say
which one of us is gay
tell me who
ain't sayin that it's Brian
tell me who
ain't sayin if your Kevin
tell me who
he's makin a suit play
which backstreetboy is gay
okay
we're all gay

a lil halloween hapiness for ya there:(and i think the finger is a lil uncalled for by the way)

this is sooo funi:

1. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

2. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

3. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. They are also very happy with their current phone service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

4. The College Special. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

5. If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

6. Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

7. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

And last but not least:

A very nice street sign:

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click here for the site that gives these things!!
By the way, most of these are brought to you by netgrab...say tanku.