A foolish little fic in which Duo teaches Heero something about being human.... ^_^;
Pairings: Oh come on... you should know me by now. I may be sadistic and twisted, but at least I'm consistent! 2x1!
Spoilers: There are none.
Disclaimer: I do not own these Gundam Wing characters and never said I did; I'm just having a little harmless fun and make no money.
WARNINGS: LEMON in this story!
It was late at night when Wufei returned from his mission, tired and
hungry and just generally pissed off at the world. He was on his way
to the room he inhabited alone when he passed Quatre in the hallway,
heading down towards the kitchen.
"Oh, Wufei, you're back," Quatre said, suppressing a yawn. "I was just on my way to get a midnight snack. Join me?"
Wufei considered glaring but even he had to admit there was a limit to how rudely one could spurn a polite offer. "If you wish. Where are the others?"
"Trowa's still away on an assignment. Duo and Heero are asleep... hm... what's that?" Quatre had glanced down the hallway to the room the two shared; Wufei followed his glance and saw light streaming out from under the doorway. "D'you suppose they'd like to join us..." Quatre padded down the corridor and paused outside the door, hand raised to knock. Wufei followed him, reaching for the doorknob, when a voice sounded from inside the room, startlingly loud.
"Duo, I'm not sure I like this."
"Aw, c'mon, Heero. You asked."
"I'm beginning to think that was a mistake. We should stop."
"Heero, you came to me and asked me -- and I quote -- 'what does it feel like to be human?' This is part of being human. You know all about pain and killing, but nothing about pleasure. That's why I agreed to do this; you wanted me to teach you, so just shut up and do what I tell you."
"All right... but I still feel... uncomfortable..."
"Well, we'll take it easy -- start out with a nice slow, comfortable screw..."
Quatre stood a frozen statue just outside the door, hand still raised to knock; Wufei snatched his hand away from the doorknob as if it had turned into a poisonous snake. Their gazes crossed, and held. Wufei's mind was reeling. Duo...? And HEERO...? They couldn't be --
"Aah... hm... that is nice..."
"I know. And it gets better. Hold on a moment while I get the... there we go... Here. Hold onto this for a moment."
"Wait a moment... what are you doing?"
"It's called a blow job, Heero, didn't I tell you to stop asking questions?"
Quatre clapped one hand over his mouth and flattened back against the corridor wall, far enough away that he couldn't be seen under the doorway. Wufei nearly swallowed his own tongue. Apparently, they could be...
"Ugh! Duo, this tastes horrible!"
"Just swallow it, you ninny, don't hold it in your mouth!"
"Duo --"
"Don't worry. It'll feel very good in a moment... just wait..."
"I don't -- oh. My. GOD!"
"See? Didn't I tell you?"
Rustlings and thumpings came from beyond the door, accompanied by sound that ominously resembled the creaking of bed springs. Wufei's imagination and libido conspired to provide him with vivid motion pictures to accompany the sounds, and he had to hastily lift one hand to stifle a nosebleed.
"Duo, I... I want to stop..."
"What? But we were just getting started! I thought you liked it!"
"I do! I'm afraid if we don't stop now, I... won't want to..."
"That's the idea Heero. We're not even into the really heavy stuff yet -- by the time the evening's through, I'll give you a screaming orgasm. Now -- godammit, I can't get this -- off --"
"Do you want me to help you?"
"Why... sure, Hee-chan... if you want to."
A moment of silence.
"...Did you just call me Hee-chan?"
"Well... why not? Only people who are very close share this, Heero. It's not exactly something you'd do with someone you met on the street, now is it? But... if it bothers you, I won't..."
"No. No, that's all right, Duo. Let's keep going; I want some more."
"Not too fast, Hee-chan, or you'll regret it later -- trust me!"
"I don't care. Just give it to me. I've never felt anything this good before."
"Just trust me, Heero. I know what I'm doing. You'll want something to make things smoother... like this..."
Quatre had stuffed his own fist into his mouth in order to stifle the faintly hysterical giggles that this bizarre conversation was driving from him. Wufei glared at him; how could he find something like this FUNNY? It was... it was... just not right! Duo was obviously taking advantage of Heero's sexual naivete to satisfy his own depraved desires! Never mind that Wing's pilot seemed to be enjoying it -- a lot -- it was still a travesty of justice!
"Oh, God, Duo -- it's so good!"
"Mmm... isn't it, Hee-chan?"
Wufei could stand no more. Shaking with fury -- among other things -- he reached forward and tore open the bedroom door, not giving a thought to what he might see inside. "MAXWELL!" he thundered as he stormed into the room, Quatre trailing in his wake. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF PURITY ARE YOU --"
Heero and Duo were sitting on the bedroom floor, in the middle of a disorganized circle of liquor bottles. Heero was holding a shotglass, and several more were on the floor beside Duo, along with a saltshaker and a sliced-open lemon. [1] Both pilots froze and looked guiltily up as the others entered the scene.
"Ummm... Wufei?" Duo hazarded, taking in the picture of I-Will-Have-Justice-Even-If-That-Requires-Me-Strapping-Myself-To-A-Sixty-Megaton\ -Nuclear-Bomb-and-Riding-It-Down-To-Ground-Zero that the Chinese teenager presented. "Did the... mission not go well?"
Wufei stuttered to a frozen halt, his mind going into overload as it processed the scene before him and realized that what had actually occurred in this room in the past ten minutes was not, indeed, what his hormones had told him was happening. Quatre glanced past Altron's pilot, taking in the scene of Heero and Duo's bedroom. "What are you two doing in here?" he asked, very calmly.
Heero grinned at Quatre. It was unnerving, to say the least. "Simple!" he exclaimed cheerily. "Duo promised to teach me -- what was it, Duo? -- 'the best way to get gut-blasting-brain-killing-rip-roaring-drunk, and how to enjoy it once I'm there.' " He looked over at Duo. "Did I get that right, Duo?"
"Pretty much," Duo confirmed. A strange look flashed over his features, but he quickly hid it behind his usual maniacal grin. "C'mon, Wu-man, you haven't got anything against alcohol, have ya?"
"Uh, no..." Wufei muttered, struggling against the humiliated flush that was insisting on taking over his face. "I... I thought..."
"Well, hey, if you really want to, you can have some too," Duo offered generously. "I was just showing Heero some of the best mixed drinks... care for a 'slippery nipple'?" he asked casually, tipping a bottle into the glass in front of him.
Quatre managed to turn a strangled choke into a fair approximation of a cough, and Wufei bit his own tongue. "Absolutely not!" he gasped.
"What are you so uptight about, Chang?" Heero drawled in a bored tone. "Duo and I were just having a nice time, spending the evening together, and then you burst in shouting your head off. What's your deal?"
"I... I..." Wufei stuttered for a second, flushing bright red. "I think you've had quite enough to drink!" he finally snapped, striding forward and snatching the shotglass from Duo's hand. "We are in the middle of a war, not relaxing at a country club! Maxwell, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, for encouraging this kind of behavior -- and Yuy, I thought you were a real soldier --"
"All right, Wufei," Quatre cut across the beginning of what could have been quite a long rant. "I think they get the idea. He's right, though, guys; I think you should give up the drinking party and get some sleep. You might be needed for action tomorrow."
The smirk fell off of Heero's face. "Ryoukai," he sighed, and rubbed at his eyes. "Duo, my face has gone numb. Is that normal?"
"Entirely, Hee-chan," Duo assured him, as he began collecting the bottles with a sigh. As Quatre assisted one very drunk Perfect Soldier to bed, Duo grabbed Wufei's arm and dragged him out into the hallway.
"What's the big idea?" Duo hissed. "You were way out of line, Wufei -- and that was a personal moment! Do you have any idea what kind of trust it took for Heero to ask me for this kind of help? And then you come in ranting and raving and spoil it!"
"I'm sorry," Wufei said, taken slightly aback. He hadn't looked at it that way, but how was he to explain that he had mistakenly thought Heero and Duo were committing carnal acts in their room?
Duo shook his head in frustration. "Damn, Wufei! I was trying to get him drunk enough to go to bed with me, and you ruined everything!"
~owari~
[1] Told you there was a lemon in this story!
"Sloe comfortable screw," "blow job," "slippery nipple," and
"screaming orgasm" are all drink names.
Heero: I'm not sure whether I should kill Mikkeneko for writing
this...
Mikkeneko: Hey!
Heero: ... or Wufei for interrupting us.
Wufei: Keep in mind, she wrote me interrupting you.
Heero: Good point. Mikkeneko! Omae o korosu!
Duo: Ano, Heero... is that a good idea?
Wufei: Wait a minute. Where'd she go?
Duo: Maybe Heero scared her off.
Wufei: Unlikely... damn! Where IS that onna?
Duo: I've got a bad feeling about this.
Heero: JEREMIAH WAS A BULLFROG!
Duo: Oh, God!
Heero: MIGHTY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE!
Wufei: Make it stop!
Duo: Me? This is YOUR fault!
Wufei: But he's YOUR boyfriend!
Duo: Heero! Heero, can you hear me? Can you speak?
Heero: JOY TO THE WORLD...
Duo: [claps his hands over his ears] Noooo...
Heero: TO ALL YOU BOYS AND GIRLS!
Wufei: I think this qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment.
Heero: JOY TO THE FISHIES IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA!
Duo: Mikkeneko! Please! Have mercy!
Heero: JOY TO YOU AND ME!
Mikkeneko: No way. He threatened me once too often. Just a little
lesson...
Duo: You are pure evil.
Mikkeneko: I know. But you still have to do what I say, because I am
the fanfic author, and that makes me the boss of you.
Duo: If we ever meet you in real life, you are going to be in SO much
trouble...
Mikkeneko: If I ever meet you in real life, I think I'll have more to
worry about than a couple of teenaged terrorists.