In case any of you were wondering, the 'Peanut Gallery' is that script-formatted thing at the end of all my fics, where the characters insult the story and I cry. Of course, when there aren't any new stories to tear into, the Peanut Gallery gets bored, and start talking among themselves. (I've got reams of this stuff,) but this exchange I considered so priceless that I made it into a story all by itself.Wufei: Onna, I will get you for this.
Mikkeneko: Cut that out, Wufei -- I didn't write this, you did!
Wufei: But you're the one posting it...
Mikkeneko: So I am. Nyah nyah!
Wufei: Grrrrr...Pairings: 1+2, 3+4, 2x5, 13x6, 13x5, 5xS, 9+11, R+D, C+H, ad infinitum
Disclaimer: Yadda yadda yadda, don't sue me, I never claimed to own them.
WARNINGS: Yaoi, het, yuri, humor.
Rating: PG-13.
Duo: Wufei, would you care to explain where you were last night?
Wufei: I went to visit Treize. I told you that.
Duo: Uh huh. And did you sleep with him?
Wufei: Maxwell! That is a very personal question!
Duo: And you interrogating me on my and Heero's sex life wasn't?
Wufei: Well...
Duo: It's a simple yes or no question, Wufei. Did you or did you not have sex with Treize Khushrenada last night?
Wufei: ...yes. Yes, I did. There, are you happy?
Duo: [sighs.] Look, Wufei. You know that you're one of my best friends, right? And that I would support you in your choices no matter what.
Wufei: Maxwell, what...
Duo: After you left last night, I called Treize. He wasn't there.
Wufei: We went out --
Duo: However, then I called Zechs. It was Treize who answered the phone, and informed me that Zechs was a trifle tied up at the moment.
Wufei: You don't mean...
Duo: Uh huh.
Wufei: Why, um. He's been cheating on me! Injustice!
Duo: Yes, that's what I confronted him with. And you know something? He told me that you two haven't been together in months -- not since you gave him the "Let's just be friends," speech.
Wufei: ...All right, all right! Treize and I are over! It's not a...
Duo: So. If you weren't with Treize, then where were you all last night? And where have you been sneaking off to the last three months?
Wufei: I... uh...
Quatre: Maybe I can answer that question, Duo. Trowa and I were out to dinner last night, and we happened to see Wufei at the restaurant. With Sally Po.
Duo: Sally Po, hmmm?
Wufei: It's not like that!
Duo: Sure it's not.
Wufei: I was just buying her dinner to pay back an old favor. It wasn't a date or anything. We're just good friends!
Quatre: Very good friends, judging by what was going on under the table.
Wufei: How d-did you know...
Quatre: Well, if nothing else, you just told me.
Wufei: Injustice!
Quatre: Oh, come on, Wufei. You were so out of it you didn't even notice Trowa with the camera.
Wufei: What! Camera?
Duo: Wufei, you've been with Sally, haven't you?
Wufei: No! She's ten years older than me!
Duo: Treize was fifteen years older than you. And she is pretty attractive.
Wufei: There is no way I'd even be attracted to such an overemotional, weak-willed, useless ONNA!
Quatre: Now that's a closet case if I ever heard one.
Duo: Wufei, it's all right. We don't care that you're... heterosexual.
Wufei: Lies! I'm not het! No way! I can't stand women!
Quatre: But Wufei, weren't you married?
Wufei: That doesn't mean anything, though! It was an arranged marriage, and we never did anything. I honor her because she was a brave warrior, certainly not because she was a woman!
Duo: Wufei, you've got to get over this denial. It's all right. It's perfectly natural to be attracted to people of the opposite gender.
Wufei: [breaking down into tears] I... I just want to be normal... to fit in... I love Treize, I do...
Quatre: I understand, Wufei, but it's not fair to Treize to keep leading him on this way.
Wufei: I can't help myself. I'm attracted to... I'm attracted to women!
Duo: [moves to comfort Wufei] It's all right, Wufei, really.
Quatre: We're not going to judge you. We're fine with it, honest!
Duo: After all, some of our best friends are straight.
Wufei: Oh yeah? Who?
[Long silence.]
Duo: Um...
Quatre: Well...
Duo: Well, there's Relena...
Quatre: Actually, she's with Dorothy now.
Duo: No kidding?
Quatre: Didn't you wonder why she wasn't throwing herself at Heero anymore?
Duo: I sort of figured that she got the message that he was neither interested nor available the time we made out on television while she was giving a speech.
Quatre: Ah! What about Zechs? Aren't he and Noin dating?
Duo: No, Zechs is with Treize now, didn't you know? And last time I saw Noin, she was talking wedding plans with Une.
Wufei: Good God.
Duo: Okay, well, what about Hilde?
Quatre: Catherine.
Duo: Oh. Hm.
[Silence.]
Duo: ...Rashid?
Wufei: Hadn't you heard what they call the Maguanacs behind Quatre's back?
Duo: What, you mean "Quatre's Harem?"
Quatre: WHAT?
Wufei: Actually, I was referring to "Rashid and the Forty Dr--"
Quatre: All right, all RIGHT, enough already!
Wufei: Anyway, he is decisively NOT straight.
Quatre: Ugh...
[Pause.]
Duo: Howard?
Wufei: Give me a break!
Duo: I know! What about Sally?
Wufei: DUO!
Duo: Oh, right. Sorry.
Quatre: The doctors?
Duo: [shudders] Don't go there, man.
Quatre: All right, so we can't think of anybody off the top of our heads.
Duo: That doesn't change the fact that we'll support you, Wufei. We don't feel threatened by your relationship with Sally -- we like her, and you're our best friend, and we just hope you'll be happy with her.
Wufei: Really? I mean... you really don't mind?
Quatre: Of course not!
Heero: What's going on here?
Duo: Guess what, Heero! Wufei's het!
Heero: He's what?
Quatre: That's right! Wufei's straight as an arrow!
Heero: You're kidding me. The Ultimate Misogynist is straight?
Wufei: Announce it to the world, why don't you!
Duo: I think I'll do that. HEY WORLD! CHANG WUFEI IS...
[Quatre puts a hand over his mouth.]
Wufei: In a strange way, I feel so relieved. I'm... straight. I'm straight! I can say it!
Quatre: We're so proud of you, Wufei!
Heero: Damn, I hadn't gotten to sleep with him yet, and now I never will.
Duo: It's all right, Hee-chan, you're not missing much.
Wufei & Heero: WHAT?
Duo: Eh heh heh...
[Wufei and Heero begin to fight. Duo crawls under a nearby table for cover. Quatre goes SD.]
Quatre: I think that's quite enough of THAT.