Distance

Pairings: 2+1
Rating: Duo swears, so I guess it's PG-13
Disclaimer: Duo does not belong to me. ::sulks:: Hee-chan doesn't either, but that's okay. He's scary. And he's a real bastard. I was rewatching my early GW tapes recently, and do you remember the way he laughed when he was about to destroy that civilian shuttle? He beats up on hospital workers, too. Yick. You can keep him, Duo-chan.
Warnings: mild angst, shounen-ai, POV. (Why did I put that in the warning section?)
Author's Notes: Just recently I found myself thinking, "What this world needs is more 1x2 sap fics. I must immediately get to typing to contribute my share of sappy fics to the fandom!" So of course I wrote an angst fic. (sigh)
This is a companion piece to my other introspection fic, "Propinquity." It turned out kind of melancholy, really, so I'll be putting out a third one in the trilogy in which they get together! Hooray for 1+2 fluff! >^_^<

If you come right down to it, I've been 'making do' my entire life. When you lived as far down the food chain as I did, you got pretty good at living on scraps, or else sooner or later you didn't live at all. So I make do. I live anywhere it doesn't rain on me, eat anything that can't escape me, and fight on my own against anything that I can't outrun. That isn't many people, you know. I may not lie, but I sure as hell can run. I learned to save clothes so they don't wear out. I can build a radio out of a pile of rusted metal scraps; damned if I'd know what to do with a shiny store-bought one. Where other people see worthless junk, I see how to pick it up and glean the very last drop of usefulness from it. Everything turns to rust sooner or later, but you might as well get everything out of it you can. Then, by the time it's all used up, there's just nothing left to worry about anyway.

And then during the war -- let me tell you what a rush it was to pilot Deathscythe. I mean, talk about a role reversal! For the first time, I was the one on top of the scrap heap. I was making messes, not picking up after them. Intead of waiting around to be destroyed, I was the Lord of Destruction. Mint little clockwork pilots came at me in their shiny new OZ-issued mobile suits, all lined up in a row to be smashed into pieces that I could use. It was glorious. I still have nightmares about it.

That's why I turned to salvaging, after the war. It's not a bad job. Sort of like vultures. I admire vultures, actually. They're ugly, yeah, but they've got a job to do and if nobody did it then the world would be wading in rotting meat. The vulture gets fed, the place gets cleaned up, and everyone wins. It's an honorable profession; I'm used to it. I'll take anything I can get.

That goes for friendship, too, you know. One of the things that's kept me alive this long is charm -- the art of being friends with people who don't want to be friends with you. Where I come from, you didn't get very far on your own -- you had to have friends. It didn't matter if you actually liked each other or not, but you had to have friends. Being alone meant death.

It felt good, during the war, to run with a gang again. Quatre, Wufei, Trowa -- they're not the best people in the world, I know, but that wasn't what mattered. What mattered was that they were strong and not cruel and we looked out for each other. I liked them. And, hey -- by the time the war was over, they actually liked me back. What more could I ask for?

Except for Heero, anyway.

I mean, it's my own fault, really. That I care, that is, not that he's such an jerk. I shouldn't give a damn whether he likes me or not, but... I do. I want him to think well of me. Why is that? Of all the antisocial, self-destructive, standoffish, self-satisfied, inhuman assholes in the war, I had to go and fall in love with Heero Yuy.

Yeah, I'm gay. I've known that for a long time; it's never really bothered me. Sure, good little Catholic boys aren't supposed to like other boys, but at this point, making sure I grow up like a good little Catholic boy is pretty low on my list of priorities. Frankly, there were always much more pressing things to occupy my attention than which side of the fence my hormones happen to be geared for.

Except, it wasn't just hormones. Oh, if only it had been that easy. But no. Not content with having the most beautiful body ever to grace God's green earth, he has to be perfect, too. I'm not just talking good pilot here. I'm talking the man who single-handedly kept the world from blowing up. I'm talking the man who won the entire damned war practically by his own goddamned self. I'm talking the man who blew up the mobile suit he was standing in and was back on his feet in a month. I'm talking strong, brave, confident, brilliant, stoic, magnetic --

Perfect.

That's my Hee-chan.

--Heh. Hee-chan. If I called him that to his face, he'd probably blow my head off.

Remind me to try it next time I see him.

But he's got Relena, assuming he ever wakes up to the fact that he's a human being, and she's a human being, and hey, one plus one equals two! Honestly. He's been issued one damn fine set of equipment, but he doesn't seem to know exactly how it works. He and Relena haven't even shared a proper kiss yet.

He and Relena --

Ya know, if I'd known she was going to take the one thing in the Earth Sphere that I'd sell my soul for, I would have let Heero kill her that day on the docks... Nah. Not fair. It isn't her fault. Ojousan's a nice enough girl, really, except for the part where she's terminally naive. No-one's perfect, I guess. Except for hospital-I-don't-need-no-stinking-hospital Yuy, that is, but really he's the exception that proves the rule. We're all pretty pathetic compared to him.

Damn it.

'Stop the presses!' I can almost hear you saying. 'Why so gloomy, Duo, if you've found the perfect man? Maybe he feels the same way about you as you do about him! You never know! Just track him down, sit on him, and tell him the truth, and there's happy bunny feelings all around, right?'

Wrong. Come on. I may be occasionally frivolous, but I'm not stupid, nor am I oblivious. Ever since I realized that Heero meant more to me than just a cute guy with an attitude problem, I watched him. Carefully. I saw how he reacted to me, or didn't, as was usually the case; enough people have hit on me that I know the signs of interest. And there weren't any. I mean, even Quatre paid more attention to my body than --

Oh please. I always knew I was gay, it never bothered me, but Quatre's so fruity it's embarrassing. Now he's shacked up with Psycho Circus Boy, and frankly, the only reason I'm not vomiting from saccharine overdose every time I'm in a room with them is that I'm gagging on jealousy. It's easier to keep my distance.

Polite distance -- that's the ticket. Outrageous idiot I might be, but even I have my dignity. I'll be damned if I chase him around like a puppy, or a tabloid reporter, or a certain lovesick stalker whose name will remained unmentioned but it starts with *Relena.* If he wants to be near me, he'll come and see me. Unlike him, I don't vanish from the face of the Earth between crises.

And if he doesn't want to visit now and again... well, hey. I guess that tells me something, don't it?

It's not hard, staying away. Really it's not. There's nothing in the world I want more than to be near him, to see him and feel him there and smell that whiff of gunpowder that follows him around... but at the same time, I hate it. Because I always lose control when I'm around him. I just have to try everything I can to get a reaction out of him. To prove that he's still human and not a bleeding robot. I know it happens, and I hate it, but there's just something about him that drives me over the top, and before I know it I've done something ridiculous or said something way out of line, and he just gives me this *look* as if he wouldn't expect anything better of me...

I hate that bastard. Who's he to judge me? He doesn't know me. He doesn't know anything about me, or how I grew up, or why I... What in hell do I need the Yuy patented stamp of approval for anyway? I don't need him to do my job. I don't need him to be happy. I don't need him to be worth something.

I just need him to be... complete.

God *damn* it. I hate when this creeps up on me.

I've got to get over him. I've really got to lose this senseless crush. I came back to L2 hoping it would go away, because thinking in circles about it just makes me depressed. Being depressed sucks. I mean, big time. Sometimes acting cheerful even when you're not can make you feel better; sometimes, it just makes you feel worse. I've tried chocolate. I tried sleeping in late. I've even tried the heavy artillery -- old British comedy -- but all *that* does is make me wonder how much better it would be if someone was watching it and laughing with me.

Heero said it was -- what was the word? oh yes -- infantile.

Somehow that just sort of ruins the whole experience. So it's back to being lonely.

What idiot came up with the saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?" I hate cliches. Really I do. For the most part, they're a load of crap. For example, what was that old promise, that the meek shall inherit the earth? Bull. I look around and I sure as hell don't see any meek people with power. Except for Ojousan, really, but I'm not sure she counts -- I mean, nice as she is, she was always a classy little rich girl. Well-dressed. Fine-spoken. Idealistic like you wouldn't believe -- she believes in the inherant worth and goodness of all human beings.

She just doesn't seem to understand that people *aren't* nice at heart. Take a walk down a colony alley late at night and see how inherantly good they are. Frankly, fluffy bunny feelings are a luxury that only the rich can afford; I sometimes get the feeling that if the common people went all pacifistic all of a sudden, it'd spoil the whole 'enlightened blue blood' experience and they'd have to go find another club to join. Maybe farming would be fashionable again. Mm. Relena Peacecraft on a tractor. I'd pay money to see that, if I had it.

But hey, I've got something that none of those puffed-up aristocrats could buy with all the money in the world. I've got Heero's friendship, which makes me a card-carrying member of the most exclusive club in the universe. At least, I *hope* he considers me a friend, and not just a --

I am not... I am not a liability...

I never was in your way. I'm still not. Until you want me, until you need me, I'll stay out of your way. All I ever wanted was to be your friend --

No. I may run and hide, but I *never* lie. That isn't all I want from you. But I'll take everything I can get... every scrap you're willing to give me. You want a partner, someone competant, someone you can count on. I can be that for you. When you need me again, I'll still be here. Ready with a joke and a rusty tin-man smile I picked up from the ground and made my own.

Until then...

I'll keep my distance.

~owari~

Mikkeneko: So what d'yall think?
Zechs: I think it's truly excellent.
Mikkeneko: Really? Thanks! Wait a minute. What are you doing here?
Zechs: [looks pitiful] I never show up in any of your stories...
Mikkeneko: Look, Zechs, it's not that I don't like you...
Zechs: But you don't!
Mikkeneko: Yes I do! It's just that I prefer to focus on the Gundam pilots.
Zechs: I'm a Gundam pilot too!
Mikkeneko: Yes, well, I don't focus much on Trowa or Wufei, either, and you don't hear them complaining, do you? It's just that I find Heero and Duo interesting to write about. Speaking of which, where are they?
Zechs: Oh... around.
Duo: [through duct tape] MMMMMPH!

On to 'Crosspaths'
Back to 'Propinquity'
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