You're Still You

Notes: Anyone out there watch Ally McBeal? Anyone out there cry when they heard Josh Groban sing this? No man should have a voice that beautiful... This is the full version of the song.
Warnings: Songfic, shounen ai (you guess who), Trowa PoV, possibly OOC and sappish, no spoilers, but takes place several months after EW.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. I do not own this song. I do not own Josh Groban. But oh, if I did...

//blah// = lyrics
Catherine is peeking through the curtains, whispering excitedly as she identifies one celebrity after another. All of the performers are excited, and the Ringmaster is having fits. No one thought we would be invited to perform at the Terraforming Project Fundraiser.

Are we really that popular, I wonder? Or did you have something to do with this? I dismiss the thought, it's unworthy of you. If I had any doubts about our success, I only had to ask the Ringmaster about ticket sales. Some of our shows our sold out months in advance.

//Through the darkness
I can see your light//
You're out there somewhere, I'm sure of it. I let Catherine drag me closer to the split in the curtains, and obligingly look as she points out various celebrities. None of them register. There's only one face I'm looking for tonight.

//And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine//
Catherine pulls my arm hard, pointing out Vice Minister Darlain and her entourage. You're among them, which shouldn't surprise me. You've been a vocal, and generous, supporter of the Terraforming Project all along. And the entertainment news has been having a field day speculating about the two of you.

Now Catherine spots you as well, and she muses if the gossip might be true. I step away from the curtain. "We have to get ready."

//Your face I've memorized
I idolize just you//
I can feel her eyes on me as I walk away, confused and concerned. She doesn't know, no one does, but something must have given her a clue. Catherine's always been able to read me better than anyone.

Except you.

//I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong//
Are you with Relena now? I never figured you for her; but then, I'm a bit biased when it comes to you. There's a certain sense to it, actually. Each of you rate among the most powerful people in the United Earth Sphere. You both have unswerving dedication to your goals. And despite some of her actions during the first War, Relena's no fool. She has the wit to match you, I think.

It would be a good match. Better than you and I.

//I've loved you for so long
And after all is said and done//
Sometimes I wonder what might have happened if I'd told you how I felt. Ridiculous, really. I didn't even know what I was feeling back then, and even if I had, war spares no time for lovers. Assuming we would have become lovers, and that's a lot to assume.

//You're still you
After all
You're still you//
Suddenly Catherine's pulling on my arm, we're up next. I wasn't even aware of the time passing. I secure my half-mask and follow her into the ring. This is the easy part, just something to warm up the crowd. Later we'll come back for the high wire acrobatics, but for now I just have to stand still and let her throw knives at me.

It gives me a chance to observe you, and I'm enough of a fool to torture myself with it. You and Relena look good together, I realize. You would have beautiful children. Something else I could never have given you.

The last set of knives fly. I can feel the cold steel next to my temple, and then Catherine and I take our bows. The audience is loudly appreciative. I watch you lean over to whisper something to Relena, and you both laugh.

//You walk past me
I can feel your pain//
It's unfathomable to me, your laughter. With two wars behind us, with all the blood on our hands, how can you still laugh? I envy you that, I always have. I don't doubt you have your nightmares, times when you wake up with a scream caught in your throat. Or times when you can't sleep at all, can only lay there and watch the ceiling as everything you did runs through your mind. But you accept it as part of your penance and move on.

//Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same//
I wonder if I'll ever find that strength, to move beyond existence and actually live. I wonder if the others have done it. Probably. I'm the only one who never imagined a life without war.

//You're still you
After all
You're still you//
Behind the curtain I'm able to watch you as you watch the show. You're happy, actually, honestly happy. I'm glad to see it, even, oddly, glad for the pain it brings. It doesn't really matter where you found your happiness, as long as you have it.

If I tell myself that enough, I might even believe it.

//I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong//
Catherine and I go to the center ring again, this time for the high wire act. "Don't drop me," she whispers before climbing the pole. Her private joke. In the year since we added this act to the show, I've never once let her go.

Something else I learned from you, I think. You never let me go, either.

//And I believe in you
Although you never asked me to//
The applause are thunderous as we take our bows. They act like we've done something great, some grand miracle. They don't realize the truly great person in this room is the one cheering next to the Vice Minister. You turned five lost boys into an undefeatable team. You mastered the Zero system. You helped save the world, and when the Dekim tried to destroy the fragile peace, you stepped up and did it again, and never once counted the cost.

//I will remember you
And what life put you through//
The audience disperses, taking you with it, taking you away from me. I wish I could have caught you, spoken to you for a few minutes, told you... what? That I fell in love with you two years ago? That I still love you? There's no purpose in saying those words. You've moved on.

//And in this cruel and lonely world
I've found one love//
The breakdown goes fast; we're all used to the work, and all too soon I'm left with nothing to do. I need something to do, something to keep my mind off this night. Off the image of you and Relena. You looked so happy.

So I go to the lions. I'm always able to find some peace among those predators. Maybe because we're so alike; killers behind cages, showing the world a complacent face. I didn't expect anyone to be there.

I certainly didn't expect you to be there.

//You're still you//
"Trowa!" Your sweet, shy smile is like sunlight, warming me to my core and lighting my darkest corners. You've always had that effect on me. For a moment I can't speak, I'm not sure what I'd say if I could.

That bright smile turns to a mischievous smirk that I swear you learned from Duo. "I wanted to come see you, so Relena said she'd help me ditch the watchdogs if I agreed to support her renovation projects for L2."

As if you wouldn't have supported them anyway.

When I still say nothing, your smile falters. I've hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. But I still can't find any words.

"I'm sorry. I should have told you I was coming." Your voice is soft, subdued. You shouldn't be subdued, you should be vibrant and happy and alive. Why can't I find the words? "I just... wanted to be sure you were okay."

You smile again, a shadow of the first, and start to walk away. No. NO! Please don't leave, not again, I can't lose you again... "Wait..."

//After all//
The word hangs between us for a moment. And then you're pressed against me, your arms tight around my waist, your face buried against my chest. I fold my arms around you carefully, afraid this is some dream. But your body is warm and solid and real. I bury my face in your silk-soft hair, breathing in your scent.

I don't know what happens next. I don't care. We'll figure that out as it comes. For now, this is enough.

//You're still you//

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