More Jokes about Men and Women

Why A Man Can't Win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation, but if you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism, but if she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you are a wimp. If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you are achauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's aliberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert. If you don't, you are a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist. If you don't, you are unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain. If you don't, you are a slob.
If you are proud of your achievements, you are conceited. If you don't you are not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she is tired, If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you are oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Women do not belch,
Women do not snore,
and
Women do not fart.
Therefore:
They must BITCH or they will blow up!

Women!!!

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ESTROGEN ISSUES.

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Being a woman

Age 8: Looks at herself and sees Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty, etc.

Age 15: Looks at herself and sees Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader or if she is PMS'ing: sees Fat/Pimples/UGLY ("Mom I can't go to school looking like this!")

Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/tootall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she's going anyway.

Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/tootall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going anyway.

Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/tootall, too straight/too curly" but says, "At least, I'm clean" and goes anyway.

Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes where ever she wants to.

Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a red hat and goes out to participate in the world.

Age 90: Can't see and so doesn't worry about it! Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends.



A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you have set it free.......
You either married it or gave birth to it.

Brains!!!

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you'll have to pay for the brainyourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded,

"A female brain goes for $2,000.

A male brain costs $5,000.

"The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why does the male braincost so much more?"

The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said to the entire group, "It's a standard pricing procedure.

We mark the female brains down because they're used."



If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?



A WOMAN IN THE SHOWER VS A MAN IN THE SHOWER:
 
A Woman:

1.  Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according to lights and darks.
2.  Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.  If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3.  Look at your womanly physique in the mirror-make mental note must do more sit-ups.
4.  Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5.  Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6.  Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7.  Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with
natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8.  Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
9.  Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10.Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs.  Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14.  Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.  Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15.  Get out of shower.  Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18.  If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
 
 
A Man:

1.  Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2.  Walk naked to the bathroom.  If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3.  Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no).
4.  Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
5.  Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6.  Wash your face.
7.  Wash your armpits.
8.  Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9.  Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10 Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11.Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar. >
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.  Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist.  If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
22.  Throw wet towel on the bed.  Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Click here to find the perfect woman{or man}

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME:
Show up naked.


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